It started out as innocent sparring. And then she found herself on top of him. The hum of biotics was so intense she could feel it ripple down the back of her neck to her thighs, back up again, repeat.

"Shepard, I…" he started, his voice thick. He didn't finish his thought.

She didn't respond. Afraid of what her own voice might sound like. Afraid that what would come out of her mouth would be a declaration of apologies and regret for the suggestive position they were in now, and then the moment would be over. Afraid that it would instead be a declaration of how badly she wanted him on the floor right now.

So she kept her tongue in check, which wasn't too difficult, considering how heavy it had become. She tried to read his eyes, but they always said two different things. Uncertainty with a dash of lust. Or was it love? He is a romantic. What was he going to say? That she was his commanding officer, and he was still unsure about complicating the chain of command? Probably. Such a good marine. Kaidan Alenko, her moral compass. Always her head, and now her heart. She promised herself not to let anyone get close after Akuze. So why him? It's selfish.

But looking into his warm brown eyes speckled with green and gold, smelling his musky scent heightened by sweat, feeling his firm body underneath hers and thinking about how he had this ability to make her feel like she was a person and not just 'Commander Fucking Shepard,' she knew exactly why him.

Kaidan Alenko. My head, my heart. Fuck regulation, she thought as she closed the distance between their slightly parted lips. Slowly at first, and then deepening the kiss by tracing his lower lip with her tongue. She released his arms to intertwine her fingers in his thick, dark curls and trace his jaw with her other free hand. His hand mirrored hers in her own hair, pulling her closer. The hum of their biotics seemed to harmonize and strengthen as they kissed more hungrily.

A groan escaped from the back of his throat, which just gave her more incentive to keep going. She wanted to say his name. Kaidan, Kaidan, Kaidan. Wanted to make him say hers. She dragged her hand from his jaw to his stomach, stopping where the hem of his shirt met the waistline of his pants. She rested her finger tips lightly on his hip bone but the slightest skin on skin contact caused a jolt of biotic energy through both of them causing them to moan in unison.

"Kaidan," she murmered against his lips, moving to rest her whole hand on his stomach to feel the warmth of his skin. Memorizing every inch of his mouth as their tongues intertwined and lips moved passionately against each other.

"Shepard.." he murmured back, but it wasn't quite what she was expecting, First, his eyes, and now his voice held two different meanings; 'I want this' and 'hold on.' She pulled away and opened her eyes. They were breathing heavily and their hearts thudded painfully. His fingers were playing with a strand of her hair.

"Shepard, this isn't a private place."

So it wasn't. The biotic hum made her forget her surroundings. That was one reason they were trained to block them out. Too distracting. Anyway, she couldn't decide if his statement meant he wanted to continue or if it meant she had gone too far. Too far. Way too far. Images of Mindoir and Akuze flooded her mind. She didn't respond except to remove her hands from his stomach and hair and stand up quickly. A spell of dizziness hit her that she tried to shake off by closing her eyes.

Kaidan sat up on his elbows with a confused look. "Shepard?" he asked uncertainly.

"I…."she started. She could still feel his body beneath hers, but tried to block that out along with mental images of her dead family and friends. "I'm sorry, Alenko." Back to the name game. "I probably shouldn't have…" Declaration of apology, regret. Shouldn't have what? Kissed him, or fell in love with him?

"There are regs." Didn't she just tell herself 'fuck regs?' And hadn't she already used that line before?

He cleared his throat. "I know that, Shepard."

She hesitated, deciding whether or not to leave or stay. Leaving would probably just muddy the situation even more so. Instead, she held out her hand to pull him up, which he thankfully accepted; except it brought his face close to hers once again. She took a deliberate step back, though she didn't drop his hand and he didn't drop hers. She stared at her feet, trying to form words from her incoherent thoughts and feelings.

"I have never let anyone get this close. At least, not since Akuze. Hell, not since Mindoir. Everyone I care about seems to die around me." She paused and he opened his mouth to respond but she interrupted. "No, wait, please let me finish. I care about you Kaidan. I really do, but I can't handle the thought of losing someone else…I can't handle the thought of losing…you. But I can never tell how you feel about me because you're always so hesitant."

"I just always leave myself a way out," he said quietly. "You know that. Sometimes I'm not sure what I am to you; Kaidan or the Lieutenant."

"You're Kaidan, always Kaidan. You're my best friend. You're supportive, but you tell me when I make mistakes. No one has ever done that before. I…." she paused, trying to get the right word but not finding a substitute. To hell with it. "I love –" she felt his breathing stop and she took a deep breath to just charge on through this emotional bullshit. "I love that despite everything you've been through, you're still the most level-headed person I have ever met. I love that you're too proud to admit when you can't go on missions because of a migraine and I have to force you to stay in bed and rest. I love that combat with you is naturally like a well-choreographed routine and how you subconsciously stand close to me during decontamination. I love coming off that battle-high and smelling your sweat and blood and biotics in the air and feeling at home." She had never poured her feelings out like that to anyone before. It was such a foreign feeling that she was scared out of her mind.

"My feelings for you haven't changed. They never will. But I don't want to rush this."

"Your head needs to give your heart a little room to breathe."

"I know. I'm still working on that loosening up bit. I don't want to be a distraction to you either, ma'am."

"You already are; you have been since the moment we met. But the good kind. And there you go backpedaling your words again," she joked with him."But I guess I didn't need to say all that when all I mean is, 'I'm glad you're here with me.'" She smiled at him.

He smiled in response."I'm glad you're here too, Shepard."