It wasn't often that Spongebob Squarepants turned up late to work, even if only by seven seconds. Squidward Tentacles, therefore, couldn't help but wonder about the cause of his usually diligent co-worker's tardiness, and looked up from his copy of Frown Digest the moment he heard the restaurant doors burst open. The sponge strode towards the cash boat, uncharacteristically poised and self-assured. He looked incredibly pleased with himself.
"What's with you?"
"I've got a date," replied Spongebob, clearly very proud of himself. He wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.
Squidward snorted in disbelief. "Oh, really?"
"Uh-huh."
"What's her name?"
"My date isn't a girl, Squidward!" exclaimed Spongebob, chuckling slightly and blinking up at the cephalopod as if this were the most obvious thing in the world.
Squidward paused for a moment, allowing this revelation to sink in. "Alright then. What's his name?"
"My date isn't a boy, either."
"Wait. Hold on," said Squidward, raising a tentacle, "You're telling me that your date is neither male nor female?"
Spongebob nodded. Squidward's head hurt.
"So … what's it's name?"
"How should I know?"
"Oh, this is going well. Your date is androgynous, and on top of that you don't even know his/her/it's name?"
"Well, I'm sure if he/she/it could talk he/she/it would tell me."
"And why can't he/she/it talk?"
"He/she/it doesn't have a mouth."
There was a pause as Squidward closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead.
"What exactly does your date look like, Spongebob?"
"Kind of shrivelled … and sticky."
"Well, I can see why you fell for him/her/it," drawled Squidward, his voice dripping with sarcasm, "He/she/it sounds good enough to eat!"
"I know, right?" Spongebob pulled the shrivelled, sticky fruit out of his pocket, threw it in the air and caught it deftly in his mouth.