Chapter 1: Scary Stuff
"Birdman has done it! He's done it again! For the tenth time, he's won the 99th Annual Smash Bros. Tournament! I'm Pablo the Fag and you're watching the Nintendo Channel, live from Starshell Stadium!"
Birdman looks to the crowds and is surprised how much people have supported him for the past 10 years. He looks to his bodyguard, Gio, who seems to be nodding. Birdman knows what this is, so he leaves the stadium to backstage when Pablo the Fag comes out. "OMG, OMG, OMG! It's Birdman! I'm gonna touch you!" yelled Pablo. Birdman jumped back. "Gio, kick his ass," Gio did what was told and kicked Pablo's ass. "OWWIE!" Pablo ran off.
"What Gio?" asked Birdman. "Nothing, just nothing. Let's go back home," They drove back to their home and found Birdman's pet Kirby, Bert, jacking off to internet porn. "Jacking off, jacking, j-jacking off... AHHH! Birdman, why so early!?" exclaimed Bert. "Bert, what did I say to jacking off to internet porn?" "Only jack off when you jack off first, I know," responded Bert. "Exactly,"
Birdman jacked off a little bit and went to the living room with Gio.
"Ahhhh. Who would've thought ten years ago, I defeated the legendary BowWow in that championship, huh Gio?" asked Birdman. "Who would've thought you turned out to be so annoying?" exclaimed Gio. "Bitch. Anyway, I lost in a bet with Bert, so I'm gonna take him to McDonald's, alright? Mind holding down the fort?" asked Birdman. "Sure..." Birdman grabbed Bert and left the house. Gio quickly jumped out of the couch and to the computer to jack off.
"YAY! McDonald's! I hope I see Ronald McDonald!" exclaimed Bert. "He's dead," Bert started to cry. "WAHHHH! WHOEVER KILLED HIM IS GONNA GET BITCH SLAPPED!" "He went suicidal," said Birdman. "I'm still gonna bitch slap Ronald McDonald," "You are one messed up Kirby, you know that?" "Thank you," "Anyway, we're next," Birdman and Bert walked up to the cashier. "Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" "Um, my Kirby would like a Happy Meal, please," said Birdman. "Aww, but don't you want one, Mr. Champion? After all, you did save my life," "HOLY SHIT, IT'S PRINCESS WHORE!" All the kids at ball pit quickly jumped out to their mothers. "RAPE! RAPE!" The manager came out. "Princess Whore, you're fired!" Princess Whore began to cry. "If I ever see you Birdman, I'm gonna rip your skin off, wear it and rape Bert so that he thinks it's you!" "But Bert already knows it'll be you, so you gave yourself away," "YOU BITCH!" The manager gave Princess Whore a shot. "Alright, you take care of McDonald's, I'm taking her to an asylum,"
For the next hour, Birdman and Bert waited for the manager when a stranger with a trench coat and a fedora came in. "I'd like..." "Like what?" "YOU!" The stranger took his coat off and began to beat the crap out of Birdman, KOing him. "You're next, you Kirby!" "Nope, I'll just throw myself into your bag," "Why thank you, you're the first one to ever do that. Tell you what, I'll let you go in a week, how about that?" asked the stranger. "Hmm, tempting offer. I'll accept your terms as long as you rape Birdman. Say what's your name?" asked Bert. "My name is Sexy Snake and I like to Squirtle all over girl's Jigglypuffs," "Cool. Alright, into the bag I go!"
End of Chapter 1