1.
The worst part of a war is not fighting a war. It's the cleanup, the aftermath. The trying to return to a normal life after having seen and done horrible and terrifying things.
Zell feels like he doesn't even remember what a normal life is supposed to be like. The others are better at it - or at least, they're better at pretending. But the mere weeks that have passed between making SeeD and fighting the sorceress in that awful future world seem to him to have been longer than the whole first part of his life.
It's not the little things that escape him. He remembers to eat three square meals a day and to go to bed at ten and get up at six. He remembers to leave his gloves behind when he goes out, to not stuff his pockets with curatives, he's only going to the library, he won't need all that. He remembers to check in with his friends so they don't start thinking he's avoiding them, even if he'd rather. He remembers to visit his mum twice a week or she'll fret over him. Maybe that's a big thing.
What he can't remember is how to properly live. The way he's pretty sure he used to. Laughing and having fun and not thinking every moment about how damn hard it is to just act freaking normal.
2.
Quistis has to beg him to go with to Deling City.
"I can't handle him on my own, Zell," she pleads, looking even more tired and worn six weeks after the war than she did while they were fighting it. "Squall is too busy and Rinoa says she won't go and I just… I need someone to come with me…"
"My being there's not going to make him cooperative," Zell tries to argue.
"No, I know, but…" She heaves a sigh that seems far too heavy. "Maybe just if he thinks that someone wants him to come back, I mean besides just me, he won't believe a word I say…"
"I don't want him back here. He'd never buy that. And I don't know why you do," Zell adds harshly.
"It's not about what either of us wants personally," Quistis replies. Her lip is trembling and Zell really hopes she's going to hold the tears in, because she's come to him crying a fair few times in the past weeks. He wants to know if she cries in front of anyone else, but he's not brave enough to ask. "He's got to come back to Garden. If he's not at Garden, Cid can't protect him. And if Cid can't protect him, he'll be k…"
She bursts into tears without finishing her sentence. Zell takes her by the shoulders and pulls her into an embrace, letting her sob on his shoulder as he resigns himself to going with. Her crying isn't a ploy to guilt him into it - Quistis isn't that manipulative - but it accomplishes that feat all the same. He strokes her hair gently to try and calm her. "It'll be okay, Quis," he says, which is a complete lie. "It'll be fine. I'll go with you, we'll bring Seifer back. It'll be fine."
3.
"He ought to be groveling in there," Zell says meanly, listening to the quiet, undistinguishable murmur of the two men talking in the next room.
Squall, on one side of him, says nothing; Quistis, on the other, only shakes her head. They're all on edge, waiting for the results of Cid's meeting with Seifer. Zell knows what the deal is that Cid is planning to offer; whether or not Seifer will take it is impossible to say.
It has all been explained to Zell, he's heard the logic, but he can't grasp it with a sense of reality yet. That Seifer should be allowed to come back to Garden at all is an atrocity. But the fact that Cid is in there beggingthe traitor to return to Garden makes Zell sick to his stomach.
"Cid's going to be hated for this," Zell mutters, thinking out loud.
"He'll get past it. He's a good headmaster," Quistis says.
"He doesn't have a choice," Squall inputs, speaking for the first time all morning. "If Seifer doesn't take Garden's protection, he'll be hunted down by every government in the world before the year is out. He'll take self-preservation over pride. Cid knows that."
Zell grits his teeth. Squall's remark only fuels his anger. He's itching to punch something, but his knuckles are still scabbed over from that brick wall he assaulted in Deling City, so he has to hold back.
4.
"Honorary SeeD, huh?"
"Yeah," Seifer says, looking up from his book as Zell approaches. "Pretty pathetic, isn't it?"
"God damn right it is!" Zell huffs.
Seifer has been at Garden for a few weeks now, but it still angers Zell every time he thinks of it. Everyone else seems to be adjusting quickly - maybe due to the fact that Seifer's keeping a low profile, or maybe because most of the people who knew him before have left Garden by now; only a handful of SeeDs stuck with Balamb Garden after the war. Zell wonders every day why he's one of them.
"It's simple, Dincht," Seifer explains. "There's nowhere else for me to go. Why the hell would I come back here if I had any other choice?"
"I know that," Zell hisses, feeling nettled.
"What's more pathetic," Seifer continues, closing his book and getting up from his seat, "is that you do have some place else to go." He strides past Zell, and his lips hint at that superior smirk he always used to wear. "And yet you remain here."
He exits the library, leaving Zell to stand in the aisles by himself, fuming.
5.
He doesn't hear from the others much anymore.
Selphie went back to Trabia to help with the restoration right after the war; she didn't want to return to Balamb at all. Zell gets an occasional email or overly-emoticoned text message from her, proving that she's her usual cheerful self - or that she's determined that they think so, anyway. Zell can't say he's unhappy about her absence - cheerfulness is something he just can't abide these days. Not that he's happy about it, either. He doesn't really feel much about it. Or about anything.
Nobody seems to ever know what Irvine is up to, so Zell has quit asking. Squall is back to his normal quiet self - except when Rinoa's around, and it becomes sickly obvious how in love they are, which is more than enough to put Zell off hanging around them. Not that it's often, anyway, because Rinoa isn't allowed in Garden for the most part.
Quistis has pulled away from him, too, after initially clinging to him with such desperation. Zell figures she needed someone to latch on to, she was so frail for so long after that last battle, and for whatever reason it was him. Zell couldn't number the nights where she cried herself to sleep in his bed, which had suited him fine, since it gave him an excuse not to sleep, which he wouldn't have done anyway. But those interludes became fewer and far between, and eventually stopped altogether; Quistis was recovering, pulling herself together. Or maybe she'd just found someone else's shoulder better suited to her.
Zell doesn't care much either way. He's not jealous, and he doesn't pine for her company, which was mostly depressing during those times anyway. He doesn't feel much of anything at all.
6.
"Good morning, Zell," Rebekah says to him with a smile, the same way she does almost every day when he shows up at the library.
He nods in greeting, and sets a few books on the counter. Rebekah starts to scan them back into the library computer system.
"Oh, Zell," she says before he can take off into the refuge of the quiet aisles of books, "I, um… I have something for you."
She pulls something out from under the desk and hands it to him. Zell stares at the little card for a moment or two.
"It's a library key card," she explains, when he doesn't say anything. "It's so you can come and go, you know, without having to wait for me to open up in the morning. Or if you feel like staying late, you can lock up when you're done. I asked my supervisor and she cleared it."
"Oh," is all Zell can say, feeling a little bewildered. Sure, he spends a lot of time in the library these days - it's one of the few places in Garden he can be assured of some quiet - but he didn't expect Rebekah would take notice like this. Even if everyone was saying she had a crush on him.
She's waiting for him to reply, eyes wide. She's pretty. And sweet. And nothing else.
"This is great," Zell says, trying to sound enthusiastic. "Thanks. I was sure you must be sick of seeing me hanging around every morning."
"Of course not!" she scoffs, her cheeks pink. She beams at him; he can't quite work up a smile in return, so he just nods, tucking the card into his pocket.
7.
"Have you ever thought about teaching, Zell?"
"Teaching?" Zell repeats. "Um… I guess I haven't, no."
"A lot of our graduate SeeDs are considering it nowadays," Cid tells him, sipping from a cup of tea. "There's so few real-world missions nowadays for you lot. And with the recent influx of new students, our teaching staff is being stretched a bit thin."
Zell doesn't know why Cid is telling him this. He fidgets in his seat, feeling awkward. This isn't an official meeting of any sort; just a cup of tea with the headmaster. But Cid obviously has something to say to him.
"A lot of our SeeDs find that taking on a class or two helps fill up some of their downtime, so they don't get too bored here."
"I'm not… really the teaching type," Zell says.
"Are you sure? I'm not suggesting you go for full instructorhood," Cid explains. "You wouldn't be a preceptor or anything like that. Maybe a defense class, or something like that. One or two days a week. You're the only martial artist we have around here right now, so your expertise would be invaluable."
Zell knows what this is about. Cid can see that he's drifting. He's had a lot of downtime over the last six months or so; real SeeD missions were few and far between. Zell has failed to find anything to fill that void, and Cid has taken notice.
"I guess I can… think about it," he replies with a shrug.
"Good, good," Cid says, smiling warmly at him. "More tea?"
8.
In summer, the beaches around Balamb are always full of people. The ones near town with tourists and locals enjoying the weather; the ones further out, with cadets and SeeDs from Garden taking advantage of the terrain to do some training. Zell doesn't go to the beach once that first summer.
But when autumn rolls around and the nights start getting cool, and the ocean breezes sharp and cutting, he makes it a habit to get out once or twice a week. Sometimes during the day, but mostly at night, when it's so dark and quiet out on the sand that the roaring sound of the waves seems to become Zell's entire world. As a kid, he always loved the beach, would swim in the ocean for hours. These days, it's all about the solitude, the quiet, the feeling of being a tiny person in the face of a vast, vast universe.
Once in a while he finds other footprints besides his, wandering up and down the dunes, or just going down to the water's edge and then back up again. But he never runs into anyone else down there in the dead of night. Which is perfect.
9.
"Are you doing anything for Christmas, Zell?" Quistis asks him, in line at the cafeteria one day.
Zell pauses. He's so sick of that question. "Just going home to see Ma," he answers, and Quistis smiles and nods.
"If you're going to be free for New Year's, we're having a little get-together," she tells him, loading her plate with salad. "Just the usual gang and a few others. Cid's letting us use his office. You ought to come," she suggests.
"I'll probably be out of Garden," Zell says.
"That's too bad. None of us see you much anymore," Quistis replies, and the unspoken disappointment in her tone sets Zell's stomach to churning.
He'd really like to not have to lie to her. But she's too distant lately for him to feel safe confiding in her. Even his mum wouldn't understand, would be hurt if he told her all he wants to do over the holidays is to sit alone in his room and read or listen to music, to not be disturbed. So he'd lied to her, too. He's getting to be a pro at it.
10.
Christmas comes and goes without incident.
Ma sends his present in the mail: a set of long-sleeve thermal shirts for the unusually chilly Balamb winter this year, and a framed picture for his room of her, Zell, and his granddad, taken just a few months before he died. One practical present, one sentimental - she does the same thing every year. Zell stares at the picture for a long time, studying his carefree kid face and trying to figure out exactly what it is that is present in the picture that the war robbed him of. He can't decide where to display the picture, and eventually just sets it facedown on his desk.
Quistis comes by the day before to give him something as well, which surprises him. He feels shameful admitting he didn't get her anything, didn't really even think about it. "Please, don't worry about it," she tells him, looking embarrassed. "I didn't get anyone else anything. None of us really did the present thing this year. But I just… kind of wanted to give this to you."
He opens it, and it's a book - not a new one, a well-used one, the corners worn away, the spine faded. "It's my favorite book from when I was a teenager," Quistis explains. "I know you like to read, and the school library doesn't carry it, so I thought you might like it."
"Thanks," Zell says dumbly after he finds his voice again. "It's very… thank you."
Quistis only shrugs, like she hasn't just given him something extremely touching and thoughtful. Zell doesn't even know what to say to her. The fact that she did this for him, when they haven't been close lately, moves him in a way that has been unfamiliar to him for a while now.
"I'll see you after the new year, then," she says to him as she's leaving. "Have fun in Balamb!"
He assures her that he will, and shuts the door. And then sinks down to the floor, still clutching the book, feeling horribly guilty and hateful.