Novelization of the YouTube short "Magic Cupcakes." Sorry it's not in second person, but eh. I'm trying. Altered ending for no particular reason.
There's always a certain thing about typing anyone could love. You could take the most frustrated, enraged organism in existence, sit them in front of a computer with a keyboard, and in no time they'll be in cheerful conversation. Even if it isn't cheerful, it'll still be a major improvement from 'WELCOME TO THE DARK CARNIVAL MOTHERFUCKER.'
Where did that come from? Nowhere? Probably nothing.
It was that calming sense of a keyboard Karkat enjoyed about typing. Even if the receiver is getting capitalized hatelike messages riddled with questionably named references to body parts, it still helps him cope with the annoyances of the day-
squeak
Oh, for FUCK'S sake! Karkat gets almost no alone time nowadays, and that damn honking wasn't even coming out of anything. There would just be honking sounds whenever Gamzee was being the shit-faced clown he was, and as far as Karkat knew, he wasn't using an actual horn.
Maybe... if he just ignores Gamzee... he might go away...?
HONK
Fucking JEGUS
"Pssssst," Karkat heard in his ear. Whatever the shit had to say today, he just didn't want to deal with it. "Best friend." Nope. Just keeping typing. Just. Keep. Ignoring. "Best frieeeeend." The patience in Karkat's thinkpan was already growing thin, and Gamzee wasn't helping. "Best friend. I made cupcaaakes."
He didn't JUST make cupcakes. He's BEEN making the damn things since he figured out how to bake them. Karkat's refused to acknowledge them up to this point, but there's no avoiding it. "I KNOW you made cupcakes," he retorted. "You've been bugging the FUCK out of me since you made the shitty things!" Gamzee's face, however, remained unchanged. Maybe if he gave him what he wants, there could be a chance of getting some peace. "If I eat just one, will you leave me the fuck alone?!"
"HoNk," was all he got in reply. Frustrated, Karkat grabbed one of the cupcakes. Honestly, they didn't look too bad. They seemed to have nothing on them, but-
Oh god. The taste. Karkat almost immediately spat the piece he bit right back out. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN THESE?!" They tasted like absolute SHIT! And this was coming from someone who deals with absolute shit on a daily basis. "Okay," the clown said, "So like, I found this recipe for some motherfuckin' Faygo cupcakes, right?"
"Oh," Karkat replied. He looked back down at the cupcake. The taste was extremely sudden when he bit into it, but... now it kind of made sense. "Well, I guess for Faygo cupcakes they aren't that bad-"
"THEN I thought," Oh, fuck. "Since I have some fuckin' pie left," Oh, not that sopor-shit, "I could throw that in too! And everyone loves them!" Regardless of what Gamzee had said, Karkat's mind had gone full 'FUCK' on him, and he froze. "You... what-"
"Kk," the small voice said. Karkat didn't even have to turn around to know it was Sollux. He paused before repeating "Kk" again. Even John could have been able to tell Sollux had one of Gamzee's cupcakes. Sollux crept slowly up to the troll, and Karkat knew he was going to either be mentally scarred or extremely pissed. Where was that damn keyboard? "I can't... find... my handth..." Sollux moved uncomfortably close to Karkat's face, and if it were anyone else he probably would have sucker punched them so hard they would have a fist-shaped bruise on their face for sweeps. But, Karkat just stood there, silently hoping this would pass.
"Where... where are they? I can't... theem-" Sollux suddenly reached for Karkat's face and had just about no sense of personal space and what the fuck was going on. He barely remembered the cupcake he was now crushing in his hand. "Wait... Oh here they are, they... they were on your fathe..." The bipolar's hands suddenly went for Karkat's face WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. "What... were they doiing... on your fathe?" Sollux was stifling a laugh, looking more shit-faced than Gamzee. "Why would they be... on your fathe? Did you... did you thteal my handth?" Karkat's face was probably candy red in pure anger. Not specifically at Sollux... Ok a lot of it was towards him, but Karkat was staring Gamzee down so hard, if looks could kill then Gamzee would have just exploded right then and there. He was SO going to get back at the damn clown for thi-
"Shhhhhhhhhh," Sollux's finger suddenly shot up in front of Karkat's face, effectively not disabling him from talking. Nonetheless, Karkat kept quiet, worried anything he would say would lead to a fight. Not that Sollux nor Gamzee would put up much of a fight, but it would be better to avoid altogether. "It'll be... our thecret..." Sollux was WAY too close now, his face practically right up against Karkat's, but not even two seconds later (What a damn shock) Sollux moved and got real low, as if to keep Karkat from hearing. "Gamthee," he whispered. "Gamthee." Finally, the troll turned his thousand yard stare towards Sollux, curious. "Kk thtealth handth." "Oh, Shit," Gamzee replied. "I know..."
There was no doubt that in Sollux's lisp-riddled perspective, everything was... whatever the fuck Faygo and Gamzee's green as hell pie made someone see. It would be pretty damn pointless getting reason out of him, so instead he played along. "I'm SO sorry for stealing your hands," he said, "but could you help me by getting my keyboard?" Despite his accusation of Karkat 'thtealing handth,' Sollux happily - and painstakingly slowly - managed to unplug his keyboard and hand it over to Karkat. He thanked the shit-faced troll, and walked over to Gamzee. Keyboard raised high, he smashed it over the troll's head. Of course, it broke easily, but Gamzee was still knocked unconscious from it and collapsed in a depressing "HoOoOoOoOnK..."
Karkat immediately began stomping on what was left of the cupcakes, making sure they were so dirtied on the ground nobody with even half a thinkpan would dare eat them. He needs a serious talk with Gamzee about what the fuck his problem is. Maybe later.
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