The Final Straw
One of the best days of Anna's life was coming to a close as the light started to fade. She reluctantly began to tell her prince goodbye.
"I had an amazing time today, one of the best of my life. Aside from the day I met you of course." A smile played around the edges of her round lips. They were sitting in her driveway, on the squishy front seats of Tyler's old black truck.
"I'm glad you enjoyed it, I did too. It sucks it has to end, but it's time to let the fair lady sleep. Goodnight, have sweet dreams about me." Tyler grabbed Anna's sides and tickled. He laughed, his smooth infectious laugh, as Anna's light, chiming one joined in. A sudden spark went through the truck and all went still and quiet. Anna was already in Tyler's arms, which made it easier for them to gaze into the other's eyes. They sat for a moment, barley allowing themselves to take a breath, and then Tyler pulled Anna closer, and softly touched his lips to hers. Tyler pulled his arms from around her and gently placed one under her thick hair, and the other on her smooth face. The motion of their mouths in unison started slow, building. When the pace started to quicken, Anna then took Tyler's large hands and moved them behind her back, willing him to pull her closer. He obeyed, and while he did, Anna wrapped her fingers through his hair. The kissing intensified and Anna pressed herself against Tyler's warm body. She was subconsciously running Tyler's hair through her fingers. It was in moments like this where Ana felt all at peace with the world. When she felt like things were finally fair.
When all the light had gone from the sky, and the stars were shining, Anna decided it was time to go in. Before she broke the embrace, she thought it would be fun to tease Tyler a little bit. She pushed him flat onto the seat. Lying on top of him, she kissed up his neck and put her lips to his ear.
"Goodnight. I love you." She swiftly sat up and pushed the creaky truck door open. As Tyler began to straighten himself out, he sat up and looked out the windshield at Anna. She smiled her radiant smile at him and he shook his head in return. He rolled down his window to speak.
"That was not nice." Anna sprinted to the open window.
"Gotcha!" She growled. She grabbed his shirt and pulled his ear to her mouth. "I love you." She put her mouth to his for a final goodnight kiss. She went to turn but Tyler pulled her back. He gazed deep into her eyes and replied.
"I love you, too." Anna smiled and reached her arms into the truck's window to hug him. Like usual, his sparkling blue eyes had dazzled her.
"Okay my mom is going to be wondering where I am. I will talk to you later." She pecked him on the cheek one last time and strode towards her undersized home. She giggled to herself as she pushed the heavy door open. She felt elated and almost the happiest she had ever felt. She was excited to tell her mom all about the carnival.
Anna had smelled the odd aroma in her home but had thought nothing of it.
"Mom," Anna passed the living room, she could not see her mom lying on the couch because the back of it was facing towards her. Instead, she trudged off towards her mother's bedroom. "Mom I'm home, it was amazing. I want to tell you all about it." She turned the 70's style brass doorknob and peered into her mother's room. Empty. Bewildered, Anna tromped back to the living room.
"Mom? Where are you?" This time Anna went all the way into the living room to look at the couch. At first glance, it appeared as her mom was sleeping, because a pillow had fallen over her face. Anna had become anxious and was afraid to lift the pillow. After a minute of convincing herself that her mother was just sleeping, with shaking hands, Anna lifted the pillow. It was one of those moments where everything seemed perfect, and then the whole world suddenly came crashing down. The pillow tumbled to the ground almost instantly, like Anna's world. Anna startled back and hit the wooden coffee table. Her legs buckled, and she found herself sitting on the table in wrappers and dirt. Shock had come before anything as she looked into her mother's wide-open eyes. Anna stole a quick glance around the room and saw a needle lying on the stained carpet next to the couch. Anna was numb; she could not process what she was seeing. She could not register emotion; too much had already happened to her. She had to deal with this before, but not with someone she cared about as much as her mother. She stumbled to the grimy kitchen and grabbed the phone. She tried to dial 911 numerous times before she got it because her hands were shaking. When the person answered, Anna could not say any words properly. She was stumbling.
"Okay honey; try to speak slow and clear." Anna was fazed, lost in a warp of time. Flashes of her many other losses were streaming through her mind. Her father, her grandmother and now her mother. She tried to calm her mind enough to focus on the situation at hand.
"My, my, my mom, she, I don't know, there's a needle, and I think she's, she's. I think she's d-d-dead." Anna's voice broke. Everything was starting to tumble down and reality began to crash down on her.
"Okay sweetheart, tell me your address." What was her address? Anna couldn't think.
"Umm, uh..." It took a few solid minutes of thinking and blurry memory before Anna could remember.
"Thank-you sweetie, an ambulance and police have been dispatched." All the walls that Anna had put up to block out the pain of her other losses had been obliterated. All the memories she had made herself forget had come back like a powerful, rushing river. At that moment one previously blocked out, painful memory flooded back to Anna.
"Anna, baby, don't go too far." The ambitious ten year old Anna wanted to beat everyone to the punch line. She raced ahead of everyone. She wanted to be the first one in her family to swim in the Pacific Ocean. She ran as hard as she could across the grainy sand. Anna enjoyed the sensation of the sand between her toes. She was too far ahead of her parents for them to be able to see her.
"Anna, don't go into the water! You don't know what's in there! You need your water shoes!" It was too late she had already ran into the water. The next thing Anna's parents knew their daughter's screams filled the air.
"Anna? Anna what happened?" Now her parents were running towards her. They found Anna sitting in the wet sand, the tide pushing against her. She was bawling, tears streaming from her eyes. Her parents rushed over. Her father, with the same black hair and stormy eyes, fell to his knees next to her and asked her what had happened. Tears still streaming from her eyes, Anna pointed to her foot. Her father soothingly pulled it out of the water. He gasped at what he saw. Anna had stepped on a shard of glass and it had been driven into her foot by the pressure of the step. Only the end was visible out the bottom of her foot, and the wound was pouring blood.
"I'm not going to be able to help this. Lydia! Call an ambulance. Hurry, it might get infected and I don't know where the nearest doctor is!" Anna's father ordered her mother. She immediately ran to the nearest payphone.
"It's going to be all right princess. You should have listened to your mother and not ran into the water. "
Anna's parents did not know that the ambulance would cost a fortune and Anna's family barely had the money to pay for the trip that they were on. Her parents had saved every extra dime they had for five years to be able to pay for the trip. Anna had cost them almost as much for the ambulance as they had paid for the trip. Her parents had had to borrow money to pay for it. Anna had ruined the trip.
The memory had been from right before Anna's father had left. Until the day he left, he never let her forget how much she had cost them. How much of a burden she had become. The thought of her lively, effortlessly beautiful mother stung. Anna had not seen her like that for years. Now there was no chance she ever would. All her memories of pain and loss were now blurring together into a massive tidal wave. She thought back to her mother on the couch and she experienced the worst pain she had ever felt. With the thought of her mother, Anna's thoughts were brought back to the person on the other end of the phone and what had caused the painful flashback.
"No I can't afford an ambulance. I don't have any money." Anna could hear the panic in her voice, her mother already had problems paying the bills. Now she would end up living on the streets. She had no family left, nowhere to go.
"It's okay honey, we will figure something out, but I have no choice, I have to send one now." Anna's mind was mush. The pain she felt was unbearable and yet she was still living. She was stuck in a chasm of endless torture, yet the image and actuality of what had happened had not yet set in. Thinking of her mother on the couch was like a distant nightmare, with reality seeping in at the corners. Anna could not bear to go back into the living room. She just plummeted to the tiled floor of the grungy kitchen and sat there, not able to absorb what had happened, but still feeling the pain. She held the phone against her ear, but no longer could hear the words of the person on the other line. Anna thought about her mother and the treatment that she had received from her ex-husband. Another painful memory had rushed back.
"It's your fault we don't have any money! Half the time you don't go to work and I'm the one stuck paying all the bills! Where the hell is all the money going? Tell me Lydia!" Anna's father's voice boomed in a way hers never could, or would. She ran to her bedroom and slid under the bed. Her parents fighting had always scared her. Her house was dirty, like usual. She saw a shadow of a bug cross in front of her nose. She did not cringe. She was used to bugs by then. Her mother's soft voice started to reply with unusual volume. Anna stuck her two index fingers into her ears to block out the sound.
"I don't know where it's going. Maybe you didn't't notice how much you spend on alcohol every week!" It was a constant row back in forth, as it had been for months, since Anna's accident. Like usual after the screaming match, Anna's father left. The difference this time was that he packed up everything that was his and loaded it into the family car. On his way out, he gave Anna a bone-chilling look that she would never forget. He spoke words that would torment her for the rest of her life, no matter how much her mother had contradicted them.
"This is your fault. Everything was fine until you were born. You stupid accident, we should have gotten rid of you a long time ago!" He oozed malice and hate. Anna always had opposite traits. For his last words, Anna's father directed them at both Anna and her mother. "Don't ever expect to see me again. I will send divorce papers, and I expect you to sign them." He pointed his finger at Anna's meek, blonde mother. With that, he slammed the door and was true to his word. Anna never saw her father again.
Memories of her father that Anna had sworn never to remember had seeped back into her brain. It brought tears to her eyes. Then she thought of her mother lying on the couch at that very moment and it felt like she had been stabbed. She was dead. She had had a horrible life, and now Anna could never make it better. The memory of her father hurting her mother just added rage to the heaps of emotions Anna felt. She sat in the filth of the floor for at least fifteen minutes. The person on the other end of the phone kept trying to get her attention but thought they had lost Anna and hung up. Anna just sat; transfixed with making herself believe it was just a nightmare. Just a cruel, torturous nightmare. She sat until she heard the sirens of the ambulance and police cars. She then pulled up her heavy body. It felt as if it was made of lead. She had passed the living room without looking in it, and stumbled out to her front yard. She just stood out on the grass; everyone seemed to be running past her in a blur. She was too devastated to move. Her body seemed to be on the lot but her mind felt a million kilometres away. She just stood there as everyone rushed past her. She stood dazed, until a man shook her. She could not make out what he looked like, but she could hear his deep, husky voice.
"Are you okay? Kid? Are you okay?" He seemed rude and that made Anna reluctant to answer. She answered anyways; she needed them to know about her mom. She needed them to help her.
"No, I, my mom..." She began but could not finish. She could not think of the words that she wanted to say. Tears burned her eyes and she felt alone. It was the first time that the vision of her mother had started to sink in.
"I understand. Hun, I need to know your name. Can you tell me your name?" Anna was being conquered by pain and guilt. "Anna Rodriguez, m-m-my mother w-was Lydia." Anna figured she would save herself the trouble of having to say it again after. Anna knew what question was coming next and braced herself for it.
"How did you find your mother? When?" Even though she had briefly prepared herself for it, the question had hit Anna hard. Tears started to pour from her silver eyes. She clutched her sides because it had begun to hurt to breathe. Anna had to use everything she had left to squeeze the words out. The words came out quiet and almost inaudible, but they came.
"I had just gotten home. I was at the carnival with my boyfriend. I just found her on the couch." She felt hollow. Anna did not even know how her mother had died. It shredded her heart to tinier pieces than it was already in when she found out.
"How long had your mother been doing drugs?" Anna was baffled. Her mother never did drugs. At least not that Anna knew of. Her mind went back to the needle that was lying next to the couch. Anna gasped. Earth began to spin around her. Only it wasn't't Earth. It was her, she was spinning, falling. She fell to the hard ground. She had sunk into the darkness around her. Nothing happy was left. Not even Tyler. The light that he had filled her tunnel with had dimmed. She was no longer blind. His light had dimmed enough for her blindness to wear off. Enough for her to realize they had been naive and stupid. Enough for her to realize that god had obviously wanted her off Earth a long time ago. He would not have done all these things to her if he hadn't. As her father had said, she was a mistake. The police officer gave up on trying getting answers from the broken girl. Instead, he left her and went to help with the investigation of the home.
After everything that Anna went through, after everything that had traumatized her, she had learned to hate herself. She had started to blame herself for everything bad that had happened in her life, started to believe it was her fault. Anna could not imagine having to live the rest of her life with the endless amount of guilt she felt. Anna could not consider the idea of waking up every day of her life with the image of her dead mother lying on the couch, branded into her brain. She could not envision every day remembering herself walking into her home, smelling the putrid odour, and seeing the needle on the ground next to her mother's dead body. She could not do it, it would hurt too much. The pain would kill her if she did not do it herself. It had only been twenty minutes and she was already paralyzed by it. The pain would take away the ability for her to ever enjoy herself again, or be happy.
Derek had driven up just as Anna's thoughts had been coming to a dangerous point. He took one look at all the police and paramedics and let out a throaty laugh.
"I heard something had happened. I guess your family is even more screwed up than I thought!" He paused for a second to think sarcastically. "Wait wasn't't your mother the only family you had left? Ha, well it looks like you're left to fend for yourself! Serves you right, scum like you don't deserve to live! I bet it was your fault, you always screw everything up. You're just a screw up!" Derek put his fancy silver car back into gear and drove away. He knew he hit a nerve, but did not know which kind.
Tears had welled up into Anna's eyes, and the usually defensive girl had been quieted. The words had reminded her of those from her father. Tears had poured from her eyes like a waterfall and her whole body shook. He was right. She didn't't deserve to live. It was her fault her father had left, and if she had been home more, she would have known her mom had started drugs. Heroin, according to what she had heard a police officer say. It had been the only word that had broken through her stupor. She could have stopped her mom, made her go to rehab. She would have prevented her mom from overdosing, from dying. She had seen the change in her mom, weight loss, odour, but had never related it to drugs. The guilt and pain took over once more, it was her fault. She had sunk back into the depression she had been submersed in before she had met Tyler. Anna sat on the frigid, hard ground and thought about how horrible her had life had been. Thought about how much she had lost, and how she could not handle losing anything, or anyone else. That thought brought her to think about how she almost had nothing left to lose and how it was her fault she lost everything that she had. Lost everything except Tyler. She had to fight. Fight the pain, the suffering, for Tyler, to keep him from getting hurt. The more she thought about him, the more a terrible feeling had started growing in the pit of stomach. She couldn't't handle losing him too, and he was the only thing she had left.
After the police had left with the body and the pain had risen to a peak was when Anna had made her decision. Her and Tyler had been crazy ever even consider that anything would get better. Things just keep getting worse, and never by just a little bit. She loved Tyler with all of her heart and hoped her coming actions would not tear him apart, but she had to do it. She had thought about how it would affect him, but he was strong. He could find someone new to love. The thought tore her from the inside out, but finding her mother's body on the rotting couch had been the final straw. Derek had just cemented her following action. Her mother's death and Derek's words had been worse than her father leaving, her grandmother's death, all the rest of Derek's torment, or living in poverty. Anna had known life was not fair, but it was not supposed to be like this. It was not supposed to be filled with torment, grief, pain, hatred and guilt. Anna thought if guilt was not enough reasoning to justify her coming act, than traumatisation was. Anna could not handle life any longer, no matter how much brighter Tyler had made it. His light had gone out and she finally saw her situation clearly for the first time since she had met him. It was a black hole filled with emptiness, loss and despair. She did not belong here. Maybe she belonged in heaven, or wherever people went when they died. As long as it was even a little better than here, she would be okay. Anna clutched at her side again. She could not go back into the house. She could feel the memories burn, they would throb even worse if she went anywhere near the house. Instead she walked, thinking about how she would go through with her plan. Did she have the strength to do it? The memories of all her losses and images of what she still had to lose flashed through her head. As her eyes began to burn, she came to the terrible conclusion that she could do it. She had no other choice but to live, and that option had become unbearable, impossible. Anna thought of all the many ways she could remove herself from the Earth After contemplating it, she came to a decision. One that she thought would be the fastest and the easiest. She started to run back the way she had come in the cool night time air. The horizon was starting to lighten; the police must have been there for longer than she had estimated. She ran back to her tiny home, she felt the intense burn of pain as she entered, but she ignored it. She slammed into her mother's door to open it. She ran past the unmade bed to the nightstand. She lightly pulled open the drawer and grabbed the weapon she would use. She let the tears well up into her eyes as she looked at it. She sunk onto her mother's messy bed. She pulled her knees to her chest and put her head in-between them. The tears that poured from her swollen eyes soaked the knees on her jeans. Anna had made her decision, she was completely alone. Not even Tyler could understand her situation or reasoning, and that is why she would not tell him her plan until the last minute. She was a hollow shell of pain. A waste of space that had never deserved life. That thought and the one of her now being alone, with no one to talk to and only one person to care for made her final decision for her. She would do it, but not right now. Instead of just sitting there, Anna went to the green park, took off her shoes and dug her toes into the coarse sand. She tried to think of what there was to miss, but she drew a blank. She sat there, on the swing, and let her troubles melt away- for the time being.
Tyler had woken up as the light streamed in through his window. His first thought went to Anna. Like every morning, he wondered where she was and what she was doing. He slowly made his way out of bed, grabbed fresh clothing, and trudged to the bathroom. He tore his sweaty Pj's off and left them on the tiled floor as he climbed into a relaxing shower. As he washed the odour and dirt off his body, Tyler thought of his Anna once again. He could never get her out of his mind. He remembered the day he took her to the beach, and the way she had looked like a super-model when she had run out of the water. The sun's glow on her face and the breeze blowing her thick black hair. They had lain on the sand that day, just absorbing the sun, absorbing each other. It made him giddy to think about her. He was anxious to get out of the shower, no matter how relaxing it was. He had to hear her voice; it was the only remedy to his anxiety. The only thing that soothed his need. He turned off the water and jumped out of the shower, as soon as he knew he was clean enough. The tile floor was chilly under his feet, but he ignored it and dried himself off with one of the fluffy blue towels from the shelf. He pulled on the fresh spring-smelling clothing he had brought with him to the bathroom. He then quickly pulled a comb through his wet golden hair. As soon as he had finished all his basic grooming, Tyler opened the bathroom door and headed towards the phone. He picked it up and dialled Anna's number as he took his dirty clothing to the hamper. After five rings, it went to an answering machine. Strange, Anna always answered her phone. Tyler pushed aside a queasy feeling and decided she must still be sleeping. After a minute's deliberation, he came to the decision that he would just call back later. With nothing to do, Tyler sunk onto the sofa and turned on the television. He flipped through all the channels, not paying attention to what was on the screen. His thoughts were about Anna. What was she doing, she always answered her phone. What could be wrong?
Anna had spent a great deal of time deciding how she was going to tell Tyler. She couldn't't just go through with what she what she was going to do and give him no explanation at all. She could not just let him believe she did not love him or that it was his fault. She did love him with all of the heart that she had left, but it wasn't't enough. It would never be enough for him and that thought made her feel more alone than ever. She was empty; she had nothing left to give. Thinking about how Tyler would be better out without her soothed that aching problem. As she made her way back to her home in the heat, it dawned on her how long she had been at the park. She was lost in a warp of time and not a single thing could pull her out. Dawn had just been breaking when she got to the park and now the heat of noon hammered down on her, burned her black hair. The trip back seemed to take an eternity, as the concept of what she was going to do finalized in her mind. She slowly made her way back to the poverty-stricken part of town and the shack that she used to call home. Every inch of her burned with hatred as she stared at the eyesore. She walked towards the house with malice and disgust in her eyes. She walked over the browning grass and the mangled footpath to her front door. She pushed it open and was once again greeted by a nasty odour. Walking to her mother's bedroom, Anna was this time fuelled by hatred to go with her masses of pain. Hatred for this home, hatred for herself and hatred for life. She once more turned the aged knob and walked into the disarrayed room. She went back to the bedside table and carefully opened the drawer. She grabbed the weapon she intended on using, and headed back towards the grimy kitchen. Her plan was to call Tyler to say goodbye and to then finish everything in her bedroom. She took one last glance and the disgusting home and dialled Tyler's number.