"Colleen! Let her go!" Collens scream echoed in her head and then the overwhelming sound of the rifle going off….
Staring at Tom on the operating table she could not believe how close it had been… she might as well have killed him. She shook off the creeping feeling of despair and insecurity and concentrated on the task before her. She could not allow herself to break down now. She was first and foremost a doctor – a preserver of life, and she would do anything in her power to save the young man before her even if he had broken into her home and attacked her daughter.
Meanwhile Matthew was roaming the woods looking for Sully. He was shaken. His sister had been attacked, and Dr. Mike… he hoped he would find Sully soon. The expression in her eyes after sending away Brian and Colleen told him everything. "I'll get him" he had said. She did not need to tell him to fetch Sully. She needed him… despite their quarrel some time back, it was clear to Matthew that his foster mother and Sully shared something special. In many ways it was indescribable, and even though she had clearly been mad at him – he had heard their heated discussions more than once – she also needed him. In many ways she and Sully complimented each other's personality while at the same time being completely opposites. Now he just hoped he would find Sully in time. He could not bear the thought of her breaking down.
Michaela was suturing up Tom's leg praying her work would allow him to keep it and to live. Mechanically her fingers moved across the tissue, and her mind went to Sully. She had sent Matthew off – that moment she had met the eyes of her son, she had felt an immense need to have the strong mountain man close. Matthew had seen it. Her need and her despair – and he had known. However, here in the clinic, with Jake administering the chloroform, she was the professional – the preserver of life, not the taker, at least not if she had a say. She would have to deal with those feelings later.
Matthew roamed around the woods when he finally spotted a familiar figure crouched by a small fire near the creek. "Sully.." but the familiar figure before him had already heard him, and got up. "Matthew what brings you out here?" Sully looked at the young man before him, and continued "what happened?" "Tom broke into the cabin… he hurt Colleen, and Dr. Mike had to shoot him" Sully raised his eyebrow in surprise. His heart was pounding. Michaela… she had shot a man, was she okay…? she had to be upset… and Colleen… the thoughts were running through his head.
"Colleen is okay, he grabbed her, but nothing happened." Matthew stated reading Sully's reaction. He put a hand on Sully's shoulder and looked him in the eye. "But… She needs you…" he said in a firm voice, and Sully nodded. "We better go."
When Jake announced "She saved him" and she heard Dorothy's relieved sigh before she went into the clinic with Loren at her heels, Michaela was torn. She had saved Tom… yes. But she had also almost killed him. "I'm real proud of ya', Michaela" Hank's words sunk in, and she swallowed hard before answering him. She had nothing to be proud of. It was only luck that her actions had not been fatal. Who was she to play God like that –to interfere with the course of Life? Maybe she could have talked him out of it or… something else. Maybe there could have been another way to resolve the situation?
Approaching the clinic with Matthew he spotted her immediately. She was leaning against the door frame and looked exhausted. He wanted to increase their pace to go to her quickly, but he suddenly felt a little unsure of his position. After all they were in public in the middle of town, and she had said she could not be with him right now, so he did not have the same privileges as before.
She felt his presence almost straight away, and she looked across the street where he emerged with Matthew at his side. He had that questioning loving expression on his face, and she moved toward him never diverting her eyes from his. She needed to feel his arms around her, to get lost in his strong sturdy embrace. He would understand her.
When she approached them, Matthew reached for her to show his support, but she slid into Sully's arms like it was the most natural thing in the world. He smiled to himself. This was a good sign. He had not seen her so affectionate toward Sully since Catherine had been in town. It was obvious that Sully was what she needed right now.
Sully willingly held her close as she asked Matthew to check on the children. He ran his hands down her back and along her arms. "We'll be right back…" were her final comment to Matthew, and he knew he needed to get her away from the prying eyes on the street.
"Matthew told me what happened" he said soothingly still caressing her arms and back to show his support. She finally spoke "Sully, I almost killed a man" Her eyes darted down, and he felt her spirit reach out to his for advice. "But you didn't" he insisted looking her straight in the eyes. "Please understand Michaela" the blue of his eyes pleaded.
Finally being with him after the arduous night of terror, shock and relief settled her emotions. His reassuring words "you did what you had to do to protect your children" and the way he looked at her saying "But you didn't" calmed her down. Sully was the most just and truthful person she knew, and she loved him for that. He always knew when to step in… yes she realized –she loved him still – even after Catherine, and he was the only one she could truly rely on. For the first time since then her need for him – his support – had been physical. Her body and mind had craved him – his presence – and she understood that no matter what she had said in the past, she relied on him in times of need. As a friend, as a companion and as a lover. He truly understood her. He was her rock.
He hugged her tightly. For the first time in a long time she let him in and gave him access. He felt her relax against him, and for a while it felt like old times when he had had more privileges, and he would have kissed her and caressed her cheek. Yet, he knew he had not earned them yet, and they were still trying to find their way back to each other completely. So for now he had to settle with feeling her snuggling into his neck, and soothingly caressing her arms. "You'll be alright" he whispered. "I'm so glad you're okay."
She cherished this moment they shared. He evoked such feelings of security and passion in her that no other man, not even David, had done. Being close to him, trusting him and letting him in… was what she had pointed out as the big insecurity in their relationship. The incident with Catherine had damaged the trust between them, yet now she realized how much she missed it; their intimacy and confidence in each other. He was the only one who really knew her – only he could be allowed to see her true face of insecurity, remorse and doubt. And only he could help her fix it.
With this knowledge in mind she kept herself busy looking after Tom the following days. However, soon a greater cause of insecurity would cause her to doubt not only her actions but herself as a professional.
Morphinism… the word stuck to her mind the moment she read it in her journals, and slowly like a snake it edged its way into her self-consciousness. What if she had caused Tom to become addicted to morphine, what if she was hurting others rather than helping them? She was lost in thought when Sully's gentle knock sounded on the clinic door.
"Hi… do you have time for a walk?" he asked taking in her appearance. She still looked troubled. "Yes…" she looked around in the empty clinic. "I'll be right there."
They slowly walked down the main street side by side. Every now and then their hands bumped into each other, but neither made a move to hold hands. Sully knew he needed her permission – that she would have to come to him. Her words: "I simply cannot be with you right now" had haunted him for a long time, and he knew there was a long way ahead of them. However, her behaviour the other day; snuggling into him and confiding in him made him hopeful. She would come around eventually, and he would wait as long as it took.
"What's on your mind?" they had reached the edge of the meadow by the church, and there were fewer people around. She offered him a small smile before she started talking. He had always been very good at reading her, and sometimes he knew she needed to talk before she did.
Explaining to him about Tom's situation, she felt the doubt come creeping in again. But before she managed to take it any further, he interrupted her "don't go doubting yourself now. You're a good doctor." His voice was warm and firm, and she knew better than to contradict him, because he was right. "Maybe you should see Cloud Dancing?" his suggestion made perfect sense, and she agreed ready to take off almost instantaneously.
"Wait, I wanted to talk to you about something. That's why I came in the first place" he stopped her in her tracks. "It's Colleen she's not well", "She said she was fine?" "Well she's not" "Don't you think I'd know if something was wrong?" she questioned. "You've been too wrapped up in what's going on in town…" she met his eyes… and she knew he was right. She had been preoccupied with Tom and her own doubts trying to reason with herself. She was still doubtful, but in Sully's eyes she saw his concern and his worry, and she knew she had to put herself aside for a little while.
She also realized that only Sully had the courage to confront her like this, and had it been anyone else she might have exploded –but not with him. He had always been a part of the children's lives, and a long time ago even before they became an item they had settled on a mutual understanding. He was the father figure, the role model, the children had never known, and she had become Charlotte's substitute, their mother. He had helped her seeing that just as he was helping her see Colleen's pain now. In spite of the differences between the two of them they both loved the children and therefore he had special rights when it came to the children and to her role as their mother. He trusted her to make it right by Colleen, and his coming to see her was a sign of commitment – if not to her then to the children.
They rode to the homestead in silence. Michaela had a slight frown on her forehead, and Sully patted her knee, and she gave him a small smile. "You'll do fine", he knew she worried about how to tackle the situation. "I'll stay with you, if you want to." Their eyes locked, and she felt a little lost in them. "I'd like that," she agreed, and leaned into his shoulder a little. "Thank you, Sully."
Sully smiled to himself. It felt good to have her leaning close, and when they arrived at the homestead he swiftly lifted her down maintaining contact just a little longer. She felt his thumbs on her hips, and bit her lip a little. Normally he would kiss her, and she could tell he was thinking the same. But now was not the time. They had to see Colleen.
"Colleen it's us," Michaela and Sully emerged in the doorway, and Colleen broke down in tears while Sully quickly secured the rifle she was holding. Michaela felt her heart go out to her girl, and her thankful gaze told Sully he had done the right thing to talk to her. Now they needed some privacy, so he went outside.
Some time later Michaela appeared. Her eyes were a bit puffy from crying with Colleen. Sully looked up, and she gave him a vague smile. "She's sleeping…" she sat down on the porch, and Sully joined her. "Thank you, Sully" she met his eyes. "I didn't notice how bad it was… it looks like I need your help with these things." "That's what parents do." "That's how you see us?" she swallowed hard and looked down on her feet. It was only after he had said the word that he realized the connotations it carried, and he shuffled his feet around a little on the ground. "Yeah… I guess so." She blushed at his words. Of course he still felt responsible for the children, but the way he had said it suggested a stronger connection. She didn't know what to say, so they sat in silence for a while leaning on each other.
The dusk was setting in, and he finally found the courage to ask "Are you going to stay mad at me forever?" He still didn't meet her eyes, but felt her shoulders slunk a little. He had asked her this before, and she had rejected him. Now she sighed deeply "no… I'm not mad… I just feel… I… I'm not sure how I feel. It's so confusing" her voice was a whisper, and she met his eyes. "I still love you…" he said softly. "I know." Her eyes were brimming with tears. This incident with Tom and Colleen had made her realise that she needed him to be around, but she also needed to dare let him in and open up to him again. "It takes time, Sully." She gave his hand a squeeze, and he could not help but kiss her knuckles. "I know…I know." He repeated and put his arm around her shoulder. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to let go just a little. It felt good have him near. She missed these moments of them being alone together like this.