A/N: It's been a while, ffn. /tips hat/
I thought I was done with writing fanfiction, but apparently my muse has other ideas. Before the ends up sounding cocky, let me explain: in the past few years, the excitement of writing fanfiction has waned for me. I hit a bad case of writer's block and that, combined with a lack of time to really write anything at all due to my studies and progressively busier life, took me away from the site. I never stopped reading fanfics, but I stopped reviewing (I'm an awful person) and the thrill, the rush of writing my own stories and sharing them with you... It vanished. I don't know why, but I found myself a few years back with a void when it came to writing anything - no want to write, no inspiration or motivation, and ultimately a depressive feeling when I tried and failed to produce anything at all...
But then I spent this past year in Japan; I evolved as a person, gained experiences that have no words to quite express their value, and for the first time in a while I was motivated to do something productive that related to my future - because yes, being a writer is still the end goal for me no matter what direction my life takes - and finally... this happened. Most of my fandoms are Japanese mangas and anime, and being in the wonderful country that gave birth to these works reignited my love for them. My skill has hit a serious low from lack of practice, but ffn was and will always be my main stage to gain such practice and insight to improve, so I'm back and hoping to better my writing more than before.
So here we are: you, the reader, faced with my most basic attempt of fanfiction that is probably riddled with errors, and I, the writer, filled with nerves as to how my first fic in years will be received and who will humbly accept any criticism you deign you bestow.
Without further ado: I own nothing but the muse in my head.
The Changing Heart
1. Introduction
The first time they met had, quite literally, been an accident – not looking where she was going, Ushiromiya Jessica had ploughed straight into the quiet boy who had been standing silently admiring Rokkenjima's rose garden for the first time, resulting in (what she would later come to call a curse) his first words to her being that of an apology.
2. Love
She'd indignantly told Shannon that thirteen-year-olds just didn't fall in love, that her friends were crazy for making such claims, and that she would never ever feel that way about a stupid boy.
3. Light
One month into his job, Kanon was called to fix a blown bulb in Jessica's room; he had left half an hour later riddled with self-loathing and shame when, after trying and failing to switch the bulb a grand total of sixteen times, the young heiress had sighed and finished the task for him.
4. Annoyance
Kanon had been with the Ushiromiya family for only two and a half months, but already his constant boring, brooding attitude was starting to irritate her…
5. Dark
…And it hadn't taken her long to realise that the dull clothing he had chosen as his uniform seemed to match that dreary, melancholy mood almost perfectly.
6. Cold
So for the most part, Jessica simply ignored him.
7. Grey
"But Shannon, really, apart from Grandfather, who's hair is actually that colour?"
8. Seeking Solace
She may have disliked Kanon, but when she'd been unable to locate Shannon in the servant's room following another tense argument with her parents and had instead stumbled across him, she'd forsaken her aversion for some much-needed comfort.
9. Innocence
That afternoon had made her realise that she'd had him pegged all wrong; yes, he was dull and emotionless on the surface, but underneath… perhaps he was capable of caring after all?
10. Drive
Jessica was determined that from here on out, she was going to give Kanon a second chance and do her best to actually get to know the real him.
11. Breathe Again
Despite his stoic, unfazed appearance, Kanon had been a wreck of nerves at the prospect of having to spend any amount of one-on-one time with the young heiress – but after the first couple of hours he found, to his amazement, that he was actually beginning to relax.
12. Memory
"Look, I know I've been a little… cold towards you these past few months… but how about we forget all of that and… um… start over – y'know, if you'd like to, that is, Kanon-kun?"
13. Insanity
Jessica's fourteenth birthday had been Kanon's first experience with the rest of the Ushiromiya family and, although he had somehow managed to handle it, he had gone to bed that night completely exhausted and utterly confused.
14. Misfortune
Upon stepping into the foyer of the mansion, soaked to the bone and creating puddles at his feet, he had been immediately assaulted from above with a heavy, blanket-like object; looking up, he saw the blonde heiress leant on the banister, trying her best to restrain her laughter over his sorry state.
15. Smile
She greedily snatched the inhaler out of the hands that offered it, turning only once she had recovered her breath to discover that it was Kanon who stood, shocked and concerned, beside her - and she couldn't help the soft, sweet smile that came over her lips.
16. Questioning
School had been rough, her mother relentless in her lecture over her daughter's far-from-perfect grades, and she had homework piled up to her ears – so when she plonked herself down in the servant's room, much to the surprise of both Shannon and Kanon, she shushed their alarmed questions immediately and instead revelled in the company of what she now referred to as her two friends.
17. Silence
She had come to rely on his quiet nature, and when she was in a bad mood she would often seek him out and simply sit watching as he carried out his tasks, appreciating the comfort and privacy his silence gave her.
18. Blood
The cut he'd received whilst tending the rose garden was only small: he didn't understand why she was freaking out so much.
19. Rainbow
Kanon hung his head, confused as to why she'd become so angry when he had reminded her that the beauty of such things was wasted on furniture such as himself.
20. Fortitude
The furniture thing was already starting to grate on her, but despite how adamant he was about it, she was determined to make him see otherwise.
21. Vacation
Usually Jessica was excited by the private family trips her parents insisted upon – yet as she lay beside her mother on the warm Fukuoka beach, she couldn't help but feel slightly lonely without him there.
22. Mother Nature
Shannon winced as she watched the vein in Jessica's temple begin to pulse: of all the days he could have brought it up, Kanon just had to pick the one where the young heiress was…
23. Cat
She twirled then bowed, grinning proudly as Shannon applauded – but her smile faltered when she saw Kanon's obvious disinterest in her Halloween costume.
24. No Time
Between madly trying to organise her middle-school's winter festival, make it to rehearsals for the Christmas carol service and attend the overbearing prep classes for her high-school entrance exams, Jessica barely had enough time to say hello to him before she collapsed, exhausted, into the lounge's stiff sofa and promptly fell asleep.
25. Trouble Lurking
He bit his lip and tentatively reached out to pat her shoulder; he knew how she'd had her heart set on this place, but it seemed the asthma attack she'd had during the exam was about to crush those dreams.
26. Tears
She'd come to him crying on and off for the past couple of weeks, so when she approached him once again with tears trickling down her cheeks he assumed she wanted consoling – so he was surprised when, instead of the usual defeated frown, a smile graced her lips, her eyes lighting up as she informed him she'd actually been accepted.
27. Foreign
It had only been the briefest of touches, but the sensation of her fingers brushing his had been so strange and new to her that it had caused a soft blush to colour her cheeks.
28. Sorrow
It struck her one day that she had not yet once seen him smile.
29. Happiness
The beginning of May brought with it the blooming of both the cherry blossoms and a new feeling in Jessica's heart.
30. Under the Rain
Despite her mother's warnings, she had defiantly stepped out into the raging storm that rocked the island; not five minutes later he was beside her, telling her she was being foolish and pleading with her to retreat to the safety of the mansion.
31. Flowers
Jessica rolled her eyes at how obvious George was being, bringing with him a bouquet of Shannon's favourite flowers as his visiting gift and feigning surprise when the maid commented on their beauty – she thought it was ridiculous and cliché and secretly she wished that Kanon would do the same for her someday.
32. Night
The mansion was always eerily silent in the predawn hours, but somehow he found that it was during the nights she wasn't on the island that he was more on edge.
33. Expectations
Over the years, Jessica's asthma had worsened, and so it had come to be an unspoken rule that Kanon carried an extra inhaler on him at all times – just in case.
34. Stars
It was unusually cold for such an early winter evening, the crisp, clear air turning her breath into a fog of snow-white mist in front of her face – but, she thought, it was a small price to pay when it meant she could just stand with him like this and stare at the stars above.
35. Hold My Hand
He'd noticed her shiver and had made to slip off his jacket to give to her, but before it had even fallen from his shoulders he alarmingly found her sudden mitten-clad hand in his own.
36. Precious Treasure
Even as a servant of such a wealthy family as the Ushiromiya's, Kanon's salary could afford no more than a small, decorative tama*for the heiress that year; still, much to his surprise and relief, she loved it and continued to twirl it into her hair each day for over a month.
37. Eyes
She'd come to notice that whatever she was doing – whether it be eating, studying, whining to Shannon about how much she hated her life – so long as they were in the same room, his eyes would be trained upon her.
38. Abandoned
It had happened the day she had returned home from school a mess of smeared mascara and choked sobs, and found both her parents and Shannon to be out; with no one else to turn to, she had appeared at the door to the servants' room and, much to Kanon's stuttered protests, had flung herself into his arms and bawled.
39. Dreams
Before Jessica had had the chance to blink, half of her junior year had passed, and with only eighteen months left it dawned on her that the future she'd so desperately hoped for was slowly falling farther and farther out of reach.
40. Rated
The entire summer vacation she had spent listlessly moping around the island – until one day, just shy of autumn, when he handed her an old, chipped guitar pick he'd found whilst cleaning under her bed.
41. Teamwork
With Shannon in Okinawa, Kanon's workload doubled and though he struggled he most definitely did not need – crash! "Ah! Kanon-kun, I dropped it!" – the blonde heiress' help.
42. Standing Still
Not being allowed to wander the forests of Rokkenjima alone thanks to an overly-cautious Natsuhi, Jessica had quite literally dragged Kanon out of the mansion and towards the closest cluster of trees the second she glimpsed the reds and golds of the momiji*, and, as they had with the stars the previous winter, the two of them simply stopped and stood and stared up at the beauty of the changing leaves.
43. Dying
"Y'know, Kanon-kun, I have a theory and, um, well it may be stupid but… I think that when the leaves change colour, it's not that they're dying, but more like a grand finale of a show – the showstopper, the encore, the promise that they'll be back next time with something even more incredible – don't you think?"
44. Two Roads
She was a member of one of the wealthiest families in Japan and he, though it pained her to admit it, was just a servant – what hope would they have together when they had walked two completely different paths of life and had nothing in common?
45. Illusion
Shannon was an idiot to rely on Beatrice; her relationship with George now clung to nothing more than the twisted illusion of love, and Kanon knew that contrary to all of Shannon's hopes, mere furniture like they were could never rise above their birth-right to become a being worthy of the heart of an Ushiromiya.
46. Family
When her mother cornered her after dinner, Jessica expected a tongue-lashing for the mediocre science test she'd brought home; never had she imagined she would receive a scathing warning that her little crush on Kanon was getting out of hand.
47. Creation
It was no secret that Eva was looking into potential marriage suitors for George – the idea that Eva would one-up her combined with the fear that her daughter would elope with a servant had created a frantic, hysterical beast out of Jessica's once composed mother, and had led to the abrupt declaration one evening several weeks later that as soon as Jessica had graduated high school, she was to be betrothed.
48. Childhood
There were but weeks left before she was to start her senior year, and with it would come the final months of her childhood and the last of the days she could continue to foolishly believe she and Kanon still had a chance.
49. Stripes
Her smile was brighter, her laugh louder – but Kanon had also come to notice that, more often than not, there were delicate, almost invisible lines that adorned her cheeks, almost as though she had been…
50. Breaking The Rules
Jessica didn't care if anyone saw them – damn society and its expectations of her – because right now she needed him, his touch, his warmth, his stuttering comforts that quickly turned to panicked shouts of concern as her sobs deteriorated into choked coughs; because this care, this protection – as he hastily retrieved her inhaler from his jacket pocket and planted it in her hands, curling her fingers around it – was all she needed, was everything she could ask for and more, and goddammit she loved him.
* tama – a traditional Japanese hair ornament in the shape of either a single or two prongs, often with a floral-patterned or coloured ball on the end.
* momiji – the Japanese term for the changing of the leaves in autumn. Because Japanese is so incredibly nature-loving that yes, there is a word for it.
KO xoxo