Disclaimer: The title is from Lana Del Rey, she's amazing. I don't really get how serious this whole disclaimer thing is so...
(Leigh)
I pressed my lips hard against her hand feeling her soft skin brush across my lip, my tears were falling freely now. I'd given up on attempting to wipe them, it was useless. I closed my eyes briefly pretending that when I opened them again the scene in front of me would be different and I would wipe my tears and smile. I relished the thought for a moment while I found rest in the darkness; slowly however I re-opened my eyes immediately accepting everything I saw.
She was too thin, not how she used to be. I remember her strong, funny and happy. I've come to learn that life isn't fair and it certainly wasn't to Jade. As my thoughts rushed through my mind and her name touched my thoughts I felt my heart break again. I took a shaky breath returning my gaze to hers.
(Jade)
I watched Leigh, watched each of her movements, every breath she took I watched it leave her so intently anyone would think the air leaving her lips were visible. She held my hand against her lips and would occasionally place a small kiss against it, each time she did I would feel a tug in my heart. I wanted to be ok for her, to laugh and jump up and leave this fucking place with her hand in mine. We could return to our lives as they were. We'd be leaving for our holiday tomorrow, it was going to be a chance to get away, to be a couple and just enjoy each other's company. My heart tugged again, I didn't mind any of the pain. Not the heart break or physical pain because I know that Leigh is suffering worse, she has to carry on.
I summoned my strength and willed the hand she was holding to tighten, to give her something no matter how small. Feeling it she looked at me again and attempted a smile, she tried so hard to keep it there but quickly a small whimper escaped her lips and her mouth dropped. I hated causing her this pain, I hated leaving her. I hated not being strong enough to get up and hug her, to tell her everything will be fine, that she'll be fine.
"I love you" my voice didn't feel like mine, it was rough and weak. She looked up at me sadly,
"I love you too, so much" her voice cracked and her eyes welled up.
"Come here Leigh" she glanced up at me,
"The doctor said…"
"Fuck the doctor, it's not going to make a difference" I took in a deep breath the short exchange of words was exhausting. Leigh-Anne got up off her chair and lay beside me, she rested her head against my chest and I wrapped my arms around her. She leant up kissing me softly before laying her head down again. I could hear my heart beating rapidly as I rested my head against hers. I was feeling tired now, my eyes felt heavy.
"Leigh I'm sorry, I love you so much" She looked up at me, her eyes widening as she saw me,
"Oh fuck Jade, I love you so much. More than I've ever loved anyone, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" her tears were falling fast now, as quickly as I was slipping. I leant my face down toward her searching for her familiar lips. The part of her that connected us, the part of her I called home. She lifted her mouth up to mine kissing me slowly but with more passion and love I'd ever felt in my life. I tried to show her my love through my mouth and movements but my body wasn't co-operating the way it should. I pulled back slightly,
"I love you, never forget it" it was a whisper, a croak but it was all I could manage. My vision was blurring, the colours blending and joining, contorting in ways that defied their true structure.
Slowly the colours became images, no a memory. Slowly a scene was playing in front of me, it was our wedding day. I looked over at her, I was over whelmed, she looked beautiful. Her dress complimenting her skin tone and made her eyes stand out clearer than I'd ever seen them. I looked to my side and saw Perrie and Jesy stood smiling at me. Jesy was crying and Perrie held her hand her own eyes watering. I looked back to Leigh-Anne. I couldn't hear the scene but I knew that I got to kiss her now. I felt it, the excitement building. I leant and kissed her for the first time as my wife, her arms wrapped around me as we melted into each other's touch. I broke free smiling like a fool, turning my head I saw our guests, everyone we knew and loved, family and friends crying and smiling and cheering. I felt pressure against me as I turned to see Perrie and Jesy pulling us into a group hug. I sighed, everyone I'd ever loved stood beside me, it was perfection.
The colours melted again forming a new scene, I found myself lay in bed with my head resting on Leigh's chest, her warmth flowing through me. We were tangled in each other, lying still just being. It was simplistic and yet heartbreakingly beautiful. It was our honeymoon, the first night we'd spent together as a married couple. The night was warm and perfect; we lay with just a thin sheet over our naked bodies. Leigh leant toward me kissing my lips and filling my soul. I sighed at the simple beauty of the memory. Everything began melting and morphing quickly now flashing scenes of my life, scenes of Leigh, of Perrie and Jesy and of family. I relaxed into the memories allowing them to wrap me in their safety promising happiness. I let them take me, carrying me far away to a place I've never known.
(Leigh)
"Jade?" I was crying hard now, everything blurring in front of me. My hands were on either side of her face shaking her, her eyes didn't open and her chest didn't rise. The room was silent aside from my breath, I felt trapped. She was gone; the love of my life was gone.
"No,no,no,no,no,no" It was like a mantra to me, if I chanted it enough she'd wake up. I felt frustration building fighting to escape. I moaned.
"Fuck! Fuck!FUCK!" I was screaming now, I had no control of what was happening to me. I moved back from her, back against the wall. My back hit the wall and my legs buckled as I sunk to the floor. I felt so cold, I felt numb.
"Please Jade… please" I had no concept of what was happening, everything felt fake. I saw the door open and Jesy and Perrie come in. Immediately Jesy knelt beside me pulling me to her, my head rested on her shoulder as I watched Perrie with no feeling.
She looked so white, paler than usual and her face was a picture of despair. She made her way to Jade as she reached a hand out and touched her face.
The sound that left her mouth was like nothing I'd ever heard, tears crashed down her face as she fell to her knees leaning with her head on the bed her forehead against her arms.
"No… Fuck" I could hear her pain but I couldn't feel it. I just felt empty, tears fell down my face but I didn't feel them, cries escaped my mouth but I didn't hear them. I could feel Jesy shaking against me but could do nothing to help her. I was useless; the one thing in my life that gave me purpose was gone. I didn't know how to function, to think, to breathe, to feel, to exist.