I felt sick, sick from anticipation, sick from the guilt that churned in my stomach refusing to let me forget my actions. Then there was the fear, fear not for my own physical security but fear of the inevitable consequence of my actions, I deserved it really, deserved to be left alone, I'd brought it on myself. I knocked on the door quickly, I needed to do this before I lost my nerve. Every inch of my body screamed at me to leave, to run and to pretend that everything was fine, to lie. She opened the door and as I met her eyes so warm and inviting I knew that I could never lie to her, she deserved the truth, she deserved more than me.
"What's wrong?" She pulled me into a hug and for a second I let myself relax into it, feeling her warmth, the comfort she offered. I felt tears burn my eyes as I blinked rapidly trying to contain them, I didn't deserve to cry. I pulled away quickly, I couldn't meet her eyes as I muttered the words as loud as I dared,
"We need to talk" I forced my eyes to hers and saw the fear she felt, I wanted to reach to her and hold her, to tell her everything was fine but she deserved more than that.
"Ok" she took my hand pulling me toward the couch as she sat beside me, waiting patiently.
I caught his gaze from across the room, he'd been looking at me for the whole night, I'd been aware of his curious glare from the moment I entered the crowded club. It was only now however, after hours of avoiding his glances that I allowed myself to meet his eyes, I couldn't deny the curiosity I felt toward him. The glance was lingering on both parts, I watched as he licked his lips and I couldn't deny that I was attracted to him. Not only to him physically but to what he represented. Things had been tough with Jade lately, we'd been together for so long now, coming up to three years and I couldn't deny that things had changed. There was none of the excitement I felt when we had first gotten together. I no longer felt butterflies whenever I was with her, her touch didn't heat every inch of my skin like it used to. She never looked at me like he did anymore, his eyes were full of desire, he wanted me in every sense of the word and although I know it shouldn't I couldn't help but feel a warmth begin to spread through my body under his glare. I sent him a small smile, almost immediately he made his way over to me. I watched him slowly make his way through the sea of people as I leant against the bar, my drink resting beside me. He reached me and I could see the lazy grin on his face grow, the music was loud and he used it as an excuse to invade my personal space. He pressed himself against me, his lips finding my ear. I felt a small shiver shoot through me as he asked me to dance, I nodded and he spared no time in taking my hand and leading me to the dance floor.
"What's going on Perrie? You're scaring me" I was trying to form sentences, to think of the best way to tell her. I twisted the words in every formation I could conjure attempting to cushion the blow I knew Jade would feel.
"We've been together for a while now" she nodded slowly, trying to understand where I was going "You know I love you Jade, you're my first love and these past few years have been great. You've taught me so much about myself throughout that time and –"
"Perrie are you breaking up with me?" I turned to her, I could see the start of her tears and I cursed myself for skirting around the edges, for making her think that she could have possibly hurt me.
"No, you haven't done anything Jade. It's me, I'm the one who's fucked up" she frowned slightly,
"Why, what have you done?" I could hear the fear in her voice. My palms were becoming clammy, I rubbed them across my jeans as I started to feel the sick feeling rise again in the pit of my stomach. I spurred myself to say the words, to tell her.
We'd been dancing for hours, a sheen of sweat coated both of us, our breath was ragged, our movements rushed. He stood behind me, feeling every inch of me, memorising every curve of my body and I in turn pressed myself harder against him moving to the music, letting the beat control my body. I felt his lips against my neck and I couldn't help the moan that escaped as he nipped every slither of skin he could reach. I didn't know what was happening, it felt as though a haze had been pulled over everything, not an alcohol induced haze though, one of lust, of longing. I turned around so I was facing him, I pressed myself against him lacing my hands behind his neck. I felt his hands run down my sides over my waist and rest against my arse, the way he touched me was the complete opposite to Jade's small delicate hands and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a turn on, I liked him being assertive. I liked him taking the dominant role as we danced and I let him take the dominant role as he leant down and captured my lips with his own. His kiss was different too, it was quick and rough, he didn't take his time or ask for permission. I pulled away panting slightly and although I hated myself I couldn't help the small smile that spread across my face. He kissed me again before asking if I wanted to leave with him, there was nothing deceptive about his request, it was blunt and truthful, leave and have meaningless sex. I pushed the thought of Jade into the depths of my mind with all my forgotten memories and nodded in reply smiling as he pulled me closer before dragging me from the noise of the club.
"I…" I tried to force the words, I wanted to tell her, to tell her the four words that would break our relationship forever. I turned my gaze to her's, her stare held an intensity that shone through her tears, her hands shook lightly from fear and I knew that I had to say it.
"Perrie, what did you do?" I knew the suspense was making matters worse but how was I supposed to tell her that I did something so selfish?
"I.. it.. it was a mistake Jade. A stupid mistake, I don't know what happened but he was there and he made me feel wanted." The words fell out of my mouth in a muddle, a rushed muddle of confession. Silence following seemingly stretching forever, I waited for her wrath, for her to hit me, to scream in my face, to do anything.
"Say it Perrie" her voice was filled with so much anger and hurt forcing the words from my mouth I accepted the inevitable, she will never again be mine.
"I cheated on you" I dropped my gaze to the floor hearing her draw a ragged breath.
We stumbled into his apartment, our lips leaving each other's only to catch our breath. He pushed me up against the wall kissing my neck as his hands fumbled with the zip of my dress, I groaned helping him remove my clothes until I stood only in my underwear. He stepped back smirking before pulling me toward the bedroom. I followed him accepting the inevitable and holding little consideration of any repercussions.
The sex was the complete opposite of the sex I had with Jade, he was rough and selfish whereas Jade was gentle and selfless. He held little consideration of my enjoyment of the experience as his heavy body moved on top of mine, I found myself staring at the ceiling trying to find some enjoyment in the situation but it was all wrong, everything about it was wrong. I didn't want him, I wanted her. I felt a tear roll down my cheek as his movements became quick and hurried, I heard him grunt before he flopped down beside me his chest rising and falling quickly. I felt dirty, I felt sick to my stomach at my actions. He rolled over to face me and muttered something that a few hours before would have made my head go dizzy with desire but now his words offered nothing more than a reminder of my colossal mistake.
"I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything, it was a mistake. I wish it hadn't of happened, I hated every minute of it, he just made me feel special, desired." I could hear her breathing beside me, laboured as she tried to speak, tried to form a sentence through her tears.
"Special? Desired?" her voice was weak to begin with but with every word that left her mouth the anger would grow and so would the volume "Do I not make you feel special or desired anymore? Three fucking years, three fucking years I have spent trying to make you feel special and desired." I couldn't bring myself to look at her as she stood staring down "Three fucking years I spent trying to show you the love I feel for you and yet you thought some dickhead could make you feel like that after a quick shag?"
"I just felt like our relationship was fading, like we were losing what we had in the beginning" I spoke the words quietly, I wasn't looking for a reason or to find an excuse for my actions I was simply clutching at straws.
"So you thought fucking some guy would solve that did you?" she screamed the words at me with such force and hatred, I looked up at her seeing the tears streaming down her cheeks "Why didn't you come and talk to me Perrie? We could have fixed it"
I allowed the tears to finally leave my eyes as I played out the scenario, the scenario I should have chosen from the beginning, the one that wouldn't have resulted in this mess, the one I had relentlessly been playing since I slept with him. "I don't know why I didn't. Afterward it was all I could think of, I wish I had of come and spoken to you but I didn't. I ruined everything Jade, I threw the love that you gave me back in your face and I truly am sorry. I know you hate me but I know that you deserve to know and that's why I told you" I stood slowly, I was feeling dizzy, I needed to leave, to run from my mistake not sit in the room with Jade and confront the reality of my stupidity, I wasn't ready for that yet. "I want you to know that I'm so sorry Jade, I understand if you hate me, hell I hate me"
"I don't hate you Perrie, I don't think I ever could but I do need time to think. I need time to think about all of this. I want to find it in my heart to forgive you Perrie, I really do but I don't really know if I'll ever be able to, I don't know how long it will take, if ever but maybe one day things won't be as painful." It was more than I deserved, more than I had expected and although my heart still broke and the pain didn't subside a tiny flicker of hope survived and I clung to it as thought it was the only thing that would keep me moving, keep me alive.