There I was. There I was, the only bespectacled, nerdy loser I knew. I had brought shame upon not only my family but also my entire race. Never before have I let my friends down so much, never before have I been such a horrendously terrible disappointment to the Mimiga race, never before have I been lazy enough to just outright let King and Toroko, my bestest little friends in the whole wide world, die at the hands of that freaking megalomaniacal tyrant, that equally bespectacled son-of-a-bitch they call the Doctor. NEVER BEFORE HAVE I-
"Jack, can we please take a break from storytelling? I'm trying to sleep, if you don't mind. Also, I'm all out of Cheetos. Could you please get me a refill?" Mahin interrupted Jack's epic script-reading performance, yawning and rolling over in his jail cot to face Jack.
"You stupid idiot! This was supposed to be your BEDTIME story! Do you know what a BED TIME is? That's what I wanted this to be, a damned BEDTIME story!" Jack ranted, throwing his narrative script onto the floor. "AHEM! Let's continue this story, shall we? It's not like we have anything better to freaking do when we're locked up in this stupid godforsaken prison cell!"
Jack picked his script back up and continued reading. "NEVER BEFORE HAVE I ALMOST STARVED TO FUCKING DEATH BECAUSE THAT GODDAMNED FAT BASTARD MAHIN ATE ALL THE STINKING ROTTEN FOOD! YOU KNOW WHAT? FUCK IT. I QUIT!" Jack yelled, crumpling the script into a ball, throwing it back on the ground and stomping on it. "Worthless piece of junk..." Jack growled under his breath, picking the ball of paper back up and throwing it at Mahin's fat face. "NOW GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP, ASSFACE!" he yelled, going to bed himself as well.
While in bed, Jack suddenly began to spastically twitch and convulse with his own uncontrollable madness; for quite some time, he had been having one nightmare after another, but never before had it gotten THIS bad. He had recently started hearing the voices of King and Toroko's ghosts inside his head.
"K-King? T-Toroko? Hehhehheh (cough, cough, wheeze)...SPEAK TO ME. PLEASE, JUST SPEAK TO ME. WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, W-WHY NOT J-JUST E-END M-MY S-S-SUFFERING? HA HA HA HA HAA...MAYBE IF YOU JUST SIMPLY...TERMINATE MY PATHETIC, WORTHLESS, EXCRUCIATING EXISTENCE...THEN THE PAIN WILL STOP! HAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA!" Jack rambled psychotically, twisting and turning in his sleep.
"Jack, why didn't you save us? Why didn't you save us? WHY DIDN'T YOU FREAKING SAVE US? FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHY DIDN'T YOU FUCKING SAVE US?" King and Toroko chanted.
"Was it because you were jealous of my superior status?" King asked. "You know it was, you goddamned pussy!"
"Or was it because you just couldn't be bothered to take responsibilities into your own hands like a real man and instead decided to just let Mr. K do EVERYTHING for you?" Toroko taunted him.
"NO! NO, IT WASN'T! YOU'RE NOT MY REAL FAMILY! GET OUT OF MY FUCKING HEAD!" Jack screamed, tears streaming down his face as he writhed on top of his cot. Mahin just watched in amazement, his jaw dropping regularly.
"Punish the fat one." King encouraged Jack. "Make him suffer. Teach him a lesson about what people will resort to when you starve them close enough to their deaths. Maybe then he'll realize how LOYAL a hungry best friend REALLY IS."
"Make him SQUEAL! Make him SQUIRM like a pitiful little gummy worm! Chew him up and spit out his bony things!" Toroko laughed.
"Yeah...YEEEAAAHHH..." Jack moaned, ramming a sleeping pill straight down Mahin's throat.
Picking up a butcher knife from off of the floor of the jail cell, Jack slowly advanced, on his adorably chubby little bunny tiptoes, toward Mahin, creepy grinning slasher smile in tow. "Looks like it's about time I made you SQUEAL, piggy..." Jack whispered, creeping closer still.
"YES! TEAR HIM APART LIMB FROM LIMB!" King laughed psychotically.
"RIP HIS EVER-LOVING CHOLESTEROL-LOADED HEART OUT OF HIS STUPID FAT FUCKING CHEST AND EAT IT!" Toroko laughed even more psychotically.
"I've spent all this time going through all of this fucking crazy-ass, horrifying shit, one goddamned thing after another, things that absolutely no child should ever have to go through...and THIS is the thanks I get?!" Jack ranted angrily, pointing at Mahin's disgusting, unclean, bloated, acne-dripping, ketchup-stained, hairy-nippled, yellow-toothed, snot-nosed face.
"This little piece of shit ought to be ASHAMED of himself!" Jack spat. "But not nearly as much so as the Doctor! He's the damned reason why you two are both DEAD! And also the reason why you both live inside my poor fucking head!"
"Hey, that rhymed!" Toroko giggled.
"Enough fucking around." King reminded him. "Now is the time to make this damned cheapskate pay for all those fucking times when he stole your precious peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches and ate them!"
"My...PRECIOUS..." Jack hissed, raising the knife and readying himself to swing it with his right arm.
"COME ON, JUST FUCKING DO IT! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" King yelled at him, kicking him in the nerve endings.
"OWW! SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!" Jack wailed, clutching his head. "OH MY GOD, I'M SO INSANE IT HURTS! IT HURRRRRRTS!" he screamed in painful agony.
"King, Jack, both of you, NO! Just...NO! PLEASE don't do this! I-I've changed my mind! I won't let you kill my friend, even if he is a giant, festering, dripping sack of lard! STOP!" Toroko interrupted, pulling the emergency lever in Jack's behavioral control center.
Suddenly, just as Jack was swinging the knife straight down into Mahin's forehead, his eyes suddenly crossed at an awkward angle and his arm instinctively froze in midair, inches from its target. "Oh, come on, for fuck's sake, why won't my goddamned arm work? What in the hell are you assholes doing in there?"
"I baked a cookie cake and ate it with my best buddy King! Too bad YOU couldn't be there to enjoy it with us! Tee hee!" Toroko giggled. "Why not just kill yourself and become one with the ghost world?" she asked.
"Later." Jack answered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some BONES to pick with Mahin."
"That joke was absolutely terrible." King scolded him, facepalming.
"Let's see YOU come up with anything better!" Jack dared him.
"Umm...why did the Jack refuse to cross the road?" King asked.
"Ugh...fuck if I know." Jack groaned.
"He was too fucking CHICKEN! BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK!" King laughed, falling over and rolling on the floor.
"That is the single worst line of dialogue I have ever heard." Toroko said flatly, rolling her beady little eyes.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" King yelled, smacking her upside the face so hard that she started crying loudly.
"I SAID SHUT! THE FUCK! UP!" King continued to yell at her, stomping her head into the floor brutally. "Now if'll you'll EXCUSE me, I'm going to pull this emergency 'giving a fuck' switch back to the OFF setting!" he concluded, resetting the switch.
"ARRRGH!" Jack screamed in pain, clutching his head with tightly clenched hands. "IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN! MY BRAIN! MY HOT, STINGING...BRAAAIN! AAAAAA! AAAAAA! AAAAAA!" he shrieked, his tortured and tormented screams echoing into the night.
THE NEXT MORNING...
"Ahh, what a feast. I feel at least twenty pounds heavier now." Jack sighed with relief, reading the newspaper as he took a fat shit on the municipal toilet. "Anyway, I guess the good news is that everyone might as well be dead! Isn't that right, Toroko?"
"You betcha!" Toroko replied.
Suddenly, just as Jack exited the bathroom, the evil witch Misery teleported herself into the jail cell out of nowhere. "Time for a doctor's appointment!" Misery informed him, teleporting both herself and him into the Doctor's throne room on the balcony on top of the floating island which this game took place in.
Pulling out a patio table and two chairs, the Doctor sat down on one side of said table and sat Jack down on the other side. "So, before I turn you into one of my...personal bodyguards, I'd like to just sit down and have a nice little...chat with you, if you will. So...what exactly is troubling you?"
"I'M FUCKING BLIND! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?" Jack yelled irritatedly, pointing at his big ol' green-framed spectacles.
"No, I mean...what's been going on in your mind lately?" the Doctor asked him, hands clasped together on top of the table, looking down upon Jack.
"Well...(gulp)...well, from what I can see with your eyes closed, Toroko's watching horror movies in a bra and King is doing laundry on Jupiter..." Jack explained.
"WHAT?! Y-YOU'RE INSANE!" the Doctor realized, leaping backward into his chair and removing his own glasses in frightened shock.
"Sure I am. What's your POINT?" Jack asked him, leaping onto the top of the table and jamming one of his fingernails into the Doctor's exposed eye socket.
"ARGH! Why, you INSOLENT little-"
"Uh uh uhh!" Jack stopped the Doctor, pulling out a real magnum revolver from his belt pouch. "Don't make me use this!"
"Um, I'll just be going now..." the Doctor stammered, raising his hands up in the air while slowly walking backwards away from Jack.
"Don't you dare take one more stinking step!" Jack threatened him. "Don't take one more fucking step or I'll shoot, you hear me? I've had this gun since I was a CHILD! ALL you fucking gun-rights hipsters, ALWAYS trying to take it from me!"
"Well, you know what? I've had it! I've fucking had it! This chocolate-sprinkled world can go fuck itself! And for all you dandelion-snorting horse testicles out there, it is not I who am crazy! IT IS I WHO AM MAD! HA HA HA! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!" Jack rambled madly, shooting his gun to no avail whatsoever.
"Oh, well, shit, I guess it wasn't even loaded after all..." Jack realized. "Well, still, YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, YOU BESPECTACLED SON OF A BITCH! BYE-BYE!" he taunted the Doctor, running out of the throne room and approaching the cliff of the Balcony.
"Last one there's a stupid weeaboo!" Jack taunted the Doctor as the Doctor chased after him.
"Please, Jack, I beg of you, stop this!" the Doctor begged him as they both reached the edge of the Balcony. "I'll do anything for you! I promise you, your time serving me will be far better than anything that you could ever wish for!"
"This isn't about what I want. IT'S ABOUT WHAT'S FAIR!" Jack yelled, tossing his gun off the cliff and instead pointing his finger at the Doctor. "Life...dreams...hope. Where do these things come from, and where do they go?"
"To heaven?" the Doctor asked.
"TO FUCKING WASTE, THAT'S WHERE!" Jack yelled furiously. "You seriously fucking think that the word 'family' means ANYTHING to me anymore? Not after what YOU'VE done to me!"
"I...I'm sorry-"
"NO, YOU'RE NOT!" Jack yelled at him, clenching his fists and trembling. "I mean, seriously, just LOOK at the type of monster you've mutated me into! I am now far worse than any of your shitty-ass artificially created monsters could ever even dream of being!"
"It's just as they say." Jack continued. "No matter how far societies may rise, all it takes is one shitty apple to initiate Newton's laws of gravity and send the whole fucking shit-cake crashing down. YOU'LL SEEEEEEEEEEEE!" he suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs as he skydived off the cliff of the balcony.
"Good riddance." the Doctor spat.
As Jack was falling thousands of meters to the Earth's surface down below, he pulled out packets of sweet and sour Chinese take-out sauce from his hat and examined them, holding one in each of his hands, with the sweet packet in his left hand and the sour packet in his right.
"If there's one thing I've learned today, it's that life is literally the weirdest fucking thing on the planet." Jack realized, his hat suddenly blowing off from the intense wind current as he fell. "It's like a good Chinese dinner, ya know?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" King muttered, facepalming.
"As I was smiling with delight underneath the covers of Chako's bed...well, that was obviously the sweet." Jack said, grinning and winking at the audience.
"Ooo, I LOVE sweet stuff!" Toroko squealed with adorable happiness.
"And as I fell to my fucking death and suddenly realized in that exact moment that my entire adorable life was actually nothing more than a miserable little pile of blatant excuses to sell plush toys that never actually happened for some odd reason...well, that was the sour, I suppose!" Jack shrugged, looking down at the ground.
"And expanding even further upon that analogy, I have come to the official, ultimate conclusion that the true meaning of life is, in fact, fourty-"
SPLAT!
"TWO..."