"Fredka."
"Aw, man, this belt is really weird, why do you wear it?"
"Fredka."
"No, seriously, help me get this off-"
"Fredka."
Alfred finally looked up. "Yeah?"
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to get your clothes off." Alfred went back to fiddling with Ivan's belt. "It's not easy, could you lend me a hand?"
Ivan gave him a skeptical look. "I thought I was supposed to remove your clothes?"
"Nope. The top gets to take off the bottom's clothes, we agreed on this-"
"Yes, and I am the top."
Alfred looked up and kept his gaze there. "Thought I was."
Ivan sat up and reached for Alfred's shirt. "No, you are not, so I should be doing this-" He was cut off when Alfred grabbed his hands.
"Hey. Explain to me," Alfred sat on the bed, "exactly why," he crossed his legs, "I'm not topping tonight even though I'm obviously so much more heroic than you."
Ivan took a deep breath. "Well, firstly, I am bigger-"
"Oh, you are not, we measured, remember?"
"Yes, I am," Ivan continued mildly, "and you topped last time and my governmental system is better than yours. So there." He knew it was childish, but he stuck out his tongue a little anyway because Alfred did all the time and Ivan let him get away with it.
Alfred chose to ignore Ivan's third point completely and said, "Well, did you like last time?"
"… Yes."
"Was it good?"
"Yes."
"Was it super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot?"
Ivan rolled his eyes but said "Yes" anyway.
"Exactly! So I should top again!"
"Ah, but Alfred, I believe the last time I topped was, as you said, the super-mega-foxy-awesome-hottest. So."
Alfred looked a little affronted. "I did not say that!"
"You did, Fredka."
"Communist lies!"
Ivan chuckled a little. "Typical capitalist denial."
"I got to the moon first!"
"Well, I got to space first."
"I have aliens!" Alfred looked really proud of himself. "And I can talk to whales!"
"I have General Winter. And talk to bears."
"Oh, you do not," scoffed Alfred.
"Yes, I do, and I-" Ivan looked for something that would really shut Alfred up (a task which he knew to be nearly impossible, but he persevered like a true Russian regardless). "I have blini!"
"Well, so does Francis, and he at least puts Nutella on his, and besides I have maple syrup-"
"No, that's Matthew-"
"-You shut up, everybody forgets Vermont, and I invented the milkshake! So I should be on top!"
It was at this point that Ivan began giggling uncontrollably.
"What? What?"
"Milkshakes?" Ivan snorted again. "Milkshakes mean you should top?"
"Well, do pancakes mean you should?" Alfred grinned, and then began to laugh as well. "That's like- that's like the shit Matt says when he's baked!"
"Hm?"
"Yeah, he's all like 'my pancakes bring all the boys to the yard', it's really weird- he actually sings it, and then he starts yelling about being 'king of the banana boat', you should see it, Ivan."
Ivan made his strange giggle-snort noise. "Does he talk to whales too?"
"Hey, don't knock the amazing powers of whale-speech!" Alfred suddenly looked cunning. "Hey, since you started laughing first…"
"No, it does not mean that you get to top. Besides," Ivan leaned in close, "I can make you come first."
Alfred grinned. "Wanna bet?"