Merlin – Morgana

Crossroads of Destiny

"Morgana."

His voice isn't that loud, but somehow seems to echo through everything. His footprints have left a long trail in the dust, breaking some of the large spider webs that cover everything in their path. Large shadows creep over his face, fueled by the eerie light that comes from the glowing staff in front of me. He draws short, haggard breaths as he comes to a halt. The calm, serene faces of the statues, carved out of stone and attached to the high pillars behind them, are in clear contrast to his expression. I can't move. I am rooted to the spot, my heart pounding in my chest as the lean, familiar form of Merlin starts moving into the vault.

"Morgana," he repeats, and this time I can hear the pleading tone in his voice. I look up at him, straight into those brilliant cobalt blue eyes, the colour of a fresh blue spot, cool and deep and determined. Those eyes, which used to be calm and reassuring, now stand begging and desperate, and there is something else in them too, something which I can't exactly pin down. He must have known it was me all along, he must have suspected it. He just hadn't let himself admit that yet.

"You should leave now while you still can," I say, giving my voice as much a menacing tone as I can manage. I want him gone. I want him to run, to go back to wherever he came from so that he stays away from me. Even now, I can still remember the warmth of his hands on me, I can still remember how cool and sweet his lips tasted and how his skin smelled of fresh rain. And I can vividly remember that night when the tears streamed down my face as I saw him close that door behind him. I want him, his hands, his lips, his skin, all of him and all the memories of the pain and hurt that come with him, gone.

I see the hopelessness wash over him. He must have prayed so hard for me having been forced into this, for me being used by Morgause somehow. He must have hoped that I didn't know what I was doing, pretended that I wasn't perfectly aware of what terrible consequences my actions would have. Merlin would have done anything to keep himself from admitting the truth. He didn't want it to be me. He never wanted it to be me, he never wanted me to be the one he has to fight. Because he can't.

"Morgana, please, I beg you."

A loud noise thunders through the vault. Stones break loose from the ceiling and crash, sending a wave of dust around our feet. Panicked voices and the sharp ring of swords echo through the vault. I can't help but smile. Soon, this will all be over. No single magical being will ever have to feel scared or unwanted again, I'll make sure of that. I defensively move in front of the staff. Merlin holds my gaze pleadingly, eyes that seem to pierce through my very soul. His red shirt is torn and dirty, his scarf dark with sweat.

"Women and children are dying, the city will fall!" He emphasizes every word, desperation running through his voice. I wish that I can shut him off, make him stop talking. I know what he's doing. He's trying to change my mind, to reach that part of me that still cares. He isn't even that close, but his presence alone causes an empty, hollow feeling in my stomach. I hate him being here, hate the power he still has over me. Whenever I look at him, familiar pangs of ice shoot through my chest, making me gasp for breath. It hurts me, knowing what he's done and that pain, that pain is with me all the time. But that's not even the worst part. What I hate most of all, what I absolutely can not stand, is that I still crave for him beside me. Though I can hardly admit it to myself, I still miss him. I miss his fingertips running down my neck and his voice meeting mine in the dark. I miss his nightly kisses and his smile like the bloom of the morning whenever he saw me. I crave for that tiny world we made, with just me and his arms and his whisper and my trust.

I try to keep my face cold, like a mask. I refuse to let him see what effect he has on me. I want him to give up, to show him that I don't care, that he can't get to me.

"Good!" I snarl at him. For a moment we stand in a stunned silence. The only sound we hear is the slow drip-drip of water falling to the ground. Whatever answer he expected, it wasn't this one.

"No…you don't mean that," Merlin says eventually, but there is a hint of insecurity in his voice. God, he really can't see it, can he? However he twists or turns it, there will always be a massacre. Whether it's a knight or a druid, someone will always end up dead. Every minute that Uther is alive, my kind is being slaughtered one by one. If I stay on Merlin's side, stay on Uther's side...I'm next.

"I have magic, Merlin. Uther hates me and everyone like me, why should I feel any differently about him?"

"You of all people could try and change Uther's mind! But doing this, using magic like this will only harden his heart!"

I scowl. Uther's hatred of magic is stronger than anything else. It completely consumes him. Even if he cared for me that deeply, I wouldn't dare to test this love. Merlin doesn't know how it feels. He doesn't know how it feels to be confused and afraid, desperately seeking help only to find out that you're completely on your own. He doesn't know how it feels to be unable to trust anyone or anything, to be disgusted with who and what you are. He doesn't know how it feels to wake up one morning and discover that you have become that one monster you have always feared and loathed.

"You don't have magic, Merlin. How could you hope to understand!"

Merlin throws up his hands exasperated, like he can't believe I've just said that. "I do understand, believe me!"

"Believe you?!" my voice cracks, and I hate how vulnerable it sounds. Hurt and anger flash through me, alternating. "I did, Merlin… I believed in you….for years. I believed you when you said I could trust you, when you knew my secrets and kept your promises. I believed you when you drew me close, your arms folded around me, whispering that you would protect me."

Merlin moves uncomfortably, startled by the sudden sting in my eyes, and I struggle to keep my voice even. The words keep pouring out of me but I can't stop them. "I believed you when you visited me at night and lay next to me, just lay there next to me, to watch me fall asleep, promising to keep the nightmares away. I even believed you when you said the druids would help me, and they did, and I trusted you when you begged me to come back, back to the uncertainty and fear of Uther's hatred. You were the only one I truly believed in, the only one I trusted completely. And then, when I had let you in, when I felt connected to you with every inch of my being, when I actually believed I could get through it all with you beside me, you stopped believing in me."