Author's Note: Recetly I was cleaning out my computer, and I found a story I had written a while ago. I challenged my friend to a "book-off," to see who could write a better story in a semester. I had loosely based my story on Resident Evil, just to make it easier to write. So, some themes and locations might be familiar, such as the Ecliptic Express, but instead of RE characters I used my friends and other people I knew. Parts of it you might not understand, and parts of it will downright confuse you. The geography is all from my memory, so nobody other than the ones who personally know the areas will recognize any of the details, and I would never expect you to. The more clever of those who read this might spot the allusion and understand the parody. If you know RE well enough, this story should eclict a few laughs, but this is by no means a gigglefest. I use a subtle sense of satire, and the story gets progressively darker as it goes on. Anything could happen.
I do not own any of the RE-related events woven into the fabric of the story, or the "load screen" text based loosely off of the games. And, since the characters are real people, I do not own any of them either. Cameo appearances belong to whatever mind thought them up in the first place, or to themselves. The original plot involving the takeover of the world is entirely mine, however, and may not be used without my express permission.
Without further ado, here it is.
Chapter one
The Harrowing
"Are the echoing footsteps those of survivors?"
I was doing some writing assignment for Mr. Boldt during homeroom. Most of the class was on the terrace above the gym; it was just me, Loden, Philip, Vivek, Wyllis and Mr. Boldt in the "mezzanine room". Vivek and Wyllis were playing soccer with a volleyball and Loden and Philip were talking about pickles and trying to steal the ball whenever they had the chance. Mr. Boldt was watching the students on the terrace, and (though he wouldn't admit it) the PE homerooms playing noodleball.
Suddenly, there was a scream from below. Philip just dismissed it as some sissy getting whacked too hard with a noodle. In my protagonistal wisdom, however, I suspected something much more sinister. I rushed to the railing to see what was going on, but it was too unclear. Panicking, I rushed down the stairs and across the terrace. Mr. Boldt yelled at me to come back, but in my urgence I didn't hear him. I careened down the second stairwell and turned a corner into the gym. I rushed forward, asking what was going on. Mr. Lopez stopped me and explained that nothing was wrong. As it turned out, some pansy really DID get hit too hard with a noodle. Some guy named Abdar Woogerg had swung too hard and hit himself on the back. The wiffleball had then hit his head, causing him to scream and cry like a schoolgirl who had just broken her favorite toy.
Disgruntled, I started back to the "mezzanine room". When I was crossing the terrace, I heard another girlish scream, this time from above. Yet again I rushed toward the source, hardly touching the stairs as I ran up them. I saw that Philip was crouched on the ground, the others huddled around him. Mr. Boldt turned around and briefed me.
Philip had tried to steal the ball from Vivek, but tripped and hit his arm on a desk.
"Ouch. Mr. Boldt, I think I need to go to the nurse," said Philip.
"For what?" asked Loden. "All you have is a bruise!"
"It's a big bruise! My arm really hurts!" Philip was starting to wail. Just then the window exploded and a panda garbed in ninja regalia jumped through. He pulled Philip's other arm off and ate it.
"Now my other arm hurts! Ow!" We were just standing there, speechless, as the panda kicked forward and snapped his spine.
"Never mind. Neither arm hurts anymore. Hey, what are you guys staring at?" Philip said just before the panda swatted his head off. His body slumped forward and his head hit a desk which stopped it rolling. The panda looked right at us, and we ran like frightened rabbits.
We all made it through the door, but Mr. Boldt tripped on the stairs. We never did find out what happened to him. Once we hit the terrace, we started shouting for everyone to run for their lives. We then ran to save ours.
Angie and Celeste were the closest to the door, so they died first. Celeste got her stomach slashed open. Angie was doing better, but that was only because she was so short that the panda kept missing her. Irritated, it fell forward and crushed her. It kicked Angie's corpse off the railing, and it hit Abdar. The fall was... cushioned, however, and he hadn't even noticed when the panda followed.
The rest of our class managed to get away, as well as Mrs. Anderson's. Mr Lopez' and Mr. Lomasney's classes were massacred.
Both surviving classes were running towards the doors when two more ninja pandas entered through them. Half of us were dead before we even knew what was happening. When we had realized what was happening, we headed for the library. A panda jumped in front of Talisha, but Chris pushed her out of the way and got his throat sliced open, spraying blood all over the floor. Vivek then slipped and fell right at the panda's feet. I still have nightmares about what happened to Vivek.
Talisha was caught off-balance, but I caught her and we all ran like fury. The pandas cut down any stragglers like rodents with lung infections. When we reached the library, we quickly locked the doors and barricaded them. There were no classes in the library at the time, though a gruesome bloodstain on the carpet clued me in on their fate. Everybody walked around, trying to calm down enough to think rationally.
We counted the survivors: Me, Loden, Talisha, Wyllis, Carly, Ellie, Josh, Sumit, Michael, Alyssa, Sara and Scott. Everybody else was dead, and probably were being eaten at that moment. We were starting to plan our escape when the doors started rattling. Sumit pulled a little remote out of his pocket and pressed the only button on it.
"Sumit! What are you doing?" Wyllis yelled. "We're about to DIE!"
"I know!" Sumit responded. "I just called for help from my hero!" Before any of us could ask him who his hero was, a hole was cut in the ceiling and a curly-haired geek dropped through.
"What seem to be the emergency?" he asked in an over-emphasized monotone voice.
Sumit responded before any of us could. "We're being attacked by pandas in ninja costumes!"
"Ninja pandas? Ugh! Not again! I just got back from an Alaskan hunting trip where I had to save my cousins from wolverines with my sweet bo-staff skills! Gosh!"
"How many did you kill?" asked Wyllis.
"Like fifty! What would YOU do in a situation like that?" Moderately miffed, he walked over to the door and tried to get out. He moved the barricade right when the panda slammed into it. The panda saw him and sliced his legs off.
"Now I can't show off my awesome dance moves! Jeez!" The panda stabbed him through the heart.
We tossed Sumit at the panda and ran for it. The panda exercised its ninja skills upon his body.
"Man," said Loden, "Karma's a (expletive)." We set a ladder up under Napoleon Dynamite's hole in the ceiling and climbed through before the panda saw us. Alyssa was last, and she lost her balance on the ladder, and both fell. She was immediately pounced on. We shimmied across the roof as quickly as possible. Along the way, I had a frightening vision... OF FLYING NINJA PANDAS!