SETTING: Towards the middle of "Becoming Part II." Set in the library right after Principle Snyder tells Buffy that she's expelled.

A/N: I hope you enjoy. This was a lot of fun to write because it's nonsense. Please read all the way through. I think it's worth it.

COMMENTS: Mmm-hmm! Yes please!

Love-Hate Relationship

So it had come down to this. The proverbial "damned if you do, damned if you don't" seemed rather appropriate at this point. Buffy had just been expelled from school and Principle Snyder stood with a rather 'snide' smirk on his round face, his arms crossed in a defiant gesture. It seemed to scream "Bring it on, Summers. You want to see what else I can throw at you?"

There eyes were locked in a glare of undisputed hatred; they had been mortal enemies from the beginning. Screw Angelus--- This was her destiny: To take down Principle Snyder.

From somewhere in the background, the music from an old western showdown stuck up. Tumbleweed did its thing and tumbled between the two contenders as they prepared to engage in mortal combat. This was the end. Tonight would finish this childish feud--- And there would be only one survivor.

Although Buffy wielded supernatural strength, agility, and training, Principle Snyder had unusually large ears... That had to mean -something-. His somewhat stubby stature would be an asset for maneuvering around the gangly-in-comparison-Slayer.

Buffy cast a wistful glance over at Giles's weapon cabinet before deciding to do the deed with her own hands. The crunch of his neck beneath her vice-like grip would be most satisfying and likely would cheer up a rather dismal day.

They began to circle each other, each picking up their legs and placing them bowlegged back on the ground like an obese sumo-wrestler. An unbidden image of Principle Snyder in one of those bow-tie thongs leapt into Buffy's mind, momentarily disarming her. The moment her defenses were obviously down, Snyder grabbed the opportunity by launching himself at her.

"You're mine, Summers!" The dialogue was to die for.

Snyder's little Chiclet-like teeth bared themselves, creating him to greatly resemble an overly large guinea pig. He and all of his 179 pounds of Principleness landed roughly on the Slayer, sending them both into a heap on the ground. Buffy quickly recovered and grappled with Snyder for the upper hand; the sniveling man was a scrappy fighter, and even with her additional strength it was hard for her to do.

Finally she managed to flip him over on his back, pinning him under her arms and legs. His chubby face was flushed in fury and his mind was too overheated to conceive any of his usual snarky remarks. Lacking a better retort, he eloquently 'hocked a loogy' in her face.

Buffy sat back, disgusted. What a vile, hateful little man! She shrugged the green-tinted good off her face against her shoulder before returning her attentions to her most trying of enemies. Truly she had met her match.

Always preferring an advantage in any battle, Buffy decided to try her hand at subterfuge. Something unexpected, completely out of the blue. Something that Snyder would -never- see coming (and with those beady eyes of his, it's a wonder that he could really see anything)... Something... Something...

That was it!

Buffy released her death-grip on his wrists and cupped his face in her hands, bending over to savagely kiss the disgusting Principle. After a moment, she was surprised, shocked, grossed and -wigged- out to discover that she -liked it-.

ENTER Groupy wearing a "I'm a Bad, Rude Man" t-shirt, holding a "Go Spike!" flag and a "Kiss the Librarian" cup with its rim lined with blood. To be recognized as Spike Groupy.

"Wait! Stop this insanity! Not only is this disturbing, but it's in NO WAY Spuffy related! What are you doing to me?! I only came to read this story because of the Spike/Buffy implications! I'm ruined, do you hear me? RUINED!" the Spike Groupy yells, while wildly gesturing with his arms.

ENTER Sense-Making Author. To be known as SMA.

SMA shakes her head sadly and addresses the Spike Groupy.

"The thing that I've noticed is that it's not so much the Spike/Buffy pairing you guys are into... (You guys being the Spuffy addicts) ...Instead, you only want to see Spike happy. See, what would make Spike the happiest is if Buffy all of a sudden realized that she was completely, irrevocably, 101% madly in love with him and he would finally know that his love for her wasn't unrequited. So it's more you guys wanting to see him happy than -really- wanting to see Spike and Buffy together."

The Spike Groupy stares at SMA for a moment, slowly absorbing the information. After a long pause, the Groupy raises an eyebrow and speaks:

"Yeah... So?"

SMA shakes her head in bewilderment. Was the Spike Groupy really that dense (well, they tend to be...)?

"Don't you understand that it'll -never- happen? -EVER-?" SMA inquires. More looking blank from the Spike Groupy. Finally comes a:

"Why not?"

Again, with the head shaking.

"Because Spike and Buffy both have -way- too many hangups. I believe what Clem said about Buffy "Phew, -issues-" also applies quite nicely to Spike. They're too dysfunctional. Secondly, Spike is the only one with real insight into the grey lines of life. Buffy is still thinking too much black and white. She wants to put Spike into the "evil" category and be done with it, but she can't for obvious reasons. Buffy has the mind set of Giles at the end of 'Lie to Me.'"

SMA then proceeds to pull out a script and begins to read.

"'Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.'"

SMA tucks the script into her back pocket. Amazing how it fits. She clears her throat and then continues.

"Buffy also doesn't want to admit any feelings she has for Spike to herself because then she'd have to rationalize and defend those feelings to her friends. And I mean, let's face it: she's just not smart enough to think up a good enough excuse for being in love with a 'soulless monster.' She's also very allergic to judgment of any type. She enjoys her self-righteous riff and is insulted when anyone else pops her bubble."

With SMA's monologue complete, the Spike Groupy stares. Finally, he dumbly nods in understanding.

"Der... Ok, I got that."

A pause.

"But why did you turn this into a Buffy/Snyder fic if you wanted to express your opinions on Spike's salvation and redemption? Couldn't you have effectively done that with a nice Spuffy fic instead?"

Both SMA and Spike Groupy look over at the maudlin image of Buffy and Snyder making out which appears to be frozen in time. SMA shrugs.

"I thought that people should learn to broaden their horizons a little more. Experience new and different things, not just stick to the tried, true, and -boring-."

Another pause.

"Plus," SMA continues, "It's a great way to lose weight. You can eat and then come read this fic and lose your lunch in 10 seconds flat. It's called marketing."

Spike Groupy nods in agreement and he and SMA walk off into the sunset hand in hand, leaving Buffy and Snyder in their heated embrace.

The End