The Beginning of the End
It is too easy to walk away. I feel nothing… and it scares me. I look back at the apartment Satoshi and I once shared, and all I can think is… I am so tired. I have cried all my tears already. Every time he slapped me with his words, every time he turned away… hardened me to him. The wound is no longer fresh, more like an old scar that aches from time to time.
I turn away and continue down the empty streets. It must be late I realize. The night is cold. I shiver uncontrollably now. I squeeze Togepi tightly and he chimes at me, uncertain as to what is going on. I feel like I can't breathe. A weight is pressing down on me. It gets heavier and heavier with every step I take. What will I do now? We built everything together. I no longer know where he ends and I begin.
I am walking away from everything.
It isn't long before I realize where my feet have taken me. While my mind wandered my feet trod paths well known. By now my breathing is laboured, I am panting as I mount the stairs. I punch the ring-in button in a daze. I stare at the name written there, not really seeing it. His voice washes over me… Soothing.
"Hello?" He sounds confused, even sleepy.
"It's Kasumi…" My voice cracks. It feels like I haven't talked for days. A pregnant pause…
"Come in." The door buzzes loudly, making me jump.
Takeshi answers the door before I even get there. He is waiting for me, standing there bleary eyed in a robe too small for him. Vulpix curls around his leg to peer at me from the darkness of his apartment.
"Hi Kasumi, did you forget something?" He rubs at his eyes, trying to adjust to the light of the hallway.
"No…" I can't say it. I am choking on the words.
"I left Satoshi." Breath. "Can I use your phone? I have to call Imite" The words come in gasps.
He blinks momentarily then steps away from the door. "Sure, of course you can."
The apartment seems different somehow. I was here only a short time ago, but it seems like forever has come and gone. He follows me in awkward silence. I perch on the edge of the couch and stare at the floor.
Silence.
Vulpix slinks over to me and stares back, questions in her eyes.
I glance up at Takeshi, he looks uncomfortable. I draw breath to speak…
"I'll be right back," he gushes. I freeze in place and watch him run to the bedroom.
Vulpix jumps up on the couch beside me. She sniffs at the now sleeping Togepi. I snort at him and think, some help you are, as I cuddle the two of them into my lap. I pick up the phone.
"Hello?" There is a question in her tone.
"It's Kasumi… Remember when you said that I could stay at you place anytime? I really need to stay over tonight…" The words hang in the silence between us. She knows. It is a relief to not have to repeat myself.
"Where are you?"
"Takeshi's."
"I'll be right there." I am trembling when I hang up.
The bedroom door opens and Takeshi come tumbling out, half dressed. He struggles to button his shirt without looking directly at me.
"Do you need a ride somewhere?"
"No, she's coming to get me."
"Do you want a drink?" I realize my mouth is dry. Very dry. My voice must be rough croak.
"Yeah, sure"
He bustles off to the kitchen. Vulpix jumps off the couch and follows him at a lazy pace. The sounds of him rattling around in there seem right. I can almost close my eyes and pretend that nothing has happened. No. It is about time something happened. I couldn't continue the way things were.
"Kasumi?"
I compose myself quickly and take the glass. It's good. I let it wash over my tongue. He sits down across from me. I take a deep breath and look him in the eye.
""Its been happening for a long time…"
He sets his jaw and nods once… "I knew… from what you told me."
It was my turn to nod.
"Look, Takeshi, I am sorry. You have the misfortune of being the closest. I don't want to make thing uncomfortable."
"No! It's OK!"
His voice is full of sympathy that I am not ready for. It's my turn to look away.
""I need a drink too…" He disappears leaving a void in his place. I feel so empty.
He settles down again just as the door bell rings. Togepi mutters a sleepy complaint, and I shush him as Takeshi busies himself with answering the door.
I hear whispers from the entry. I gather my courage, and the few things I gathered before leaving, and wander into the hallway. Imite is there, hair is in disarray, in her pyjamas, but there. She looks up and smiles at me grimly.
"Hello!" Her cheerful voice doesn't match the worry in her eyes. I make my goodbyes to Takeshi as she whisks me away. He stands in the doorway and watches us go. As we walk down the hallway she puts her arm around me. Her presence wraps around me like a blanket. "You know you have good friends to fall back on, right?"
I nod, but in my heart I am uncertain. All my friends are his friends. How can I ask them to choose?
The drive passes in near silence. She drives very carefully, giving the road her full attention. She asks no questions. I watch the road pass before me. It reminds me of journeys, so many journeys; some with happy endings, others that ended badly. As the memories flow, so do my words. I tell her everything. As I speak I analyse everything I said, looking for a mistake; for a reason.
After I am finished I know. I did all I could. Sure I made mistakes. No one is perfect, but I gave it all I had. It just wasn't enough. In the end I couldn't do it alone. There never was a "we." What we had was a "him."
As the car pulls to a stop and Imite helps me out of the car I realize… I never have to be alone again.