Title: Say It Ain't So!
Author: Reyn
Rating: M cuz I said so.
Disclaimer: Jest cause I play with them doesn't mean I own them.
Warnings: The chapters in this will be ranging from ridiculously short, to just plain short, so if you sign up for email alerts on this story, please try to refrain from getting too excited. Because I, as an author, don't handle the disappointment of my readers very well, especially if they make it known in a nasty review (as in I take the bad review and talk smack about it with my beta, not get depressed and mopey, mind you)
Author's Note: This is my pathetic attempt at a crack fic. However, I'm pretty sure I missed that mark and landed squarely on 'satire', which happens to rest in the darker recesses of my mind. Not much thought has, nor will, go into this story other than the quick 'now what can I base the next chapter on? Mwahahaha.'
As a result of me shutting my brain off, there may be a teeny-tiny chance of the characters being OOC. If this, or any other content in this story offends you, let me take a moment to apologize now: My bad.
Chapter One
The sky was perfectly clear this night, a full moon looming overthe edge of the Forbidden Forest. Eerie shadows were cast as the light of the moon brightened everything in its blood red glow. Somewhere off in the distance, a creature howled. Closer still, the galloping of hooves could be heard.
But he wasn't worried about them. They weren't his prey.
Crouching low on the branch he was perched on, he inched back a few steps, making sure he was completely hidden by the foliage. After all, it wouldn't do well if he were spotted, now, would it?
A soft breeze kicked up a few dead leaves and the gentle tinkling of chimes sounded off. He grinned. It was here.
Legs tensed, ready to spring, he held his breath, listening intently as the tinkling drew nearer, waiting for the exact moment to- NOW!
With a slightly muffled, yet triumphant cry, accompanied by an indignant squawk and a flurry of feathers, followed by a thud as he hit the ground, Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World, obtained the goal of his mission: Interception of the Owl Post. Unfortunately, this did not signify the end of said mission, for now he had an extremely pissed off eagle owl attacking him with all of Hell's fury.
Clambering to his feet, Harry dashed off down the hillside towards the school's side entrance over the lake, used mainly on the first night of the school year for the admission of the first year students. It wasn't the safest escape, and it certainly wasn't the nearest, but it was the only one he could use without causing a scene. Plus it was after hours, so he wasn't as likely to get caught if he came bursting in, screaming bloody murder like he was now.
A sharp peck to the head caused him to lose his footing and he tumbled down the rest of the hill, unable to stop himself as he reached the small drop off by the waterside and was launched into the lake by the built up momentum of his fall.
Momentarily dazed by the shock of being completely wet thanks to him now being submerged in a large body of water, as well as the fact that he could no longer breathe, Harry found it rather nice to simply allow himself to float for the meantime. That mangy owl couldn't reach him down here, and he was no longer rolling down a bloody mountain at 100 km/hr.
However, a white rectangle drifting by caught his attention and pulled him away from his blissful thoughts. His eyes widened in recognition. It was the post he stole from the owl! He could NOT lose that letter!
Reaching out to snag it, Harry kicked for the surface, his lungs burning for air. No sooner had he gulped in his first precious breath that he was under attack yet again. Swimming for all he was worth, the Gryffindor made it to the stone docks inside the castle in record time. Talons raked at his head as the owl refused to give up, causing blood to drip down into his left eye.
Blasted owl. He'd hex the damn thing if he didn't need it alive and unharmed.
Reaching into his robes once he was completely on dry land, he pulled out the decoy envelope and tossed it behind him, hoping the bird wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Sure enough, the owl caught the letter, but this only meant its beak could no longer peck. Its talons were still very much free to do additional damage.
Quickly climbing the steps that led him away from the canal, he burst through the door and slammed it shut behind him, smirking at the thud that came soon after, followed by the sound of beating wings and scratching claws as the bird tried to break its way through the door.
Sighing in relief now that he was out of immediate danger, he took the time to look himself over, and noticed that the water dripping off of him was a very dirty red.
Ah, he must be bleeding.
Deciding that the amount of blood that he seemed to be losing might be cause for concern, Harry trudged through the halls towards the Infirmary, unable to stop himself from grinning like an idiot.
Mission accomplished.
Father, Sirius, Remus…I hope you're proud of me, Harry thought as the world around him grew fuzzy before fading to black.
Doodle-eh-doo! Doodle-eh-doo! Doodle-eh-doo!
"I fell," Harry repeated stubbornly when Madame Pomfrey repeated her question for the fifth time.
"Fell on what? A rampaging hippogriff?" the nurse demanded, cleaning his few remaining cuts with more force than necessary.
"Yes."
"Tch, will you please make up your mind, Mr. Potter?" Pomfrey asked harshly as she drew back and placed her hands on her hips. "First you told me you fell down a flight of stairs, then when I pointed out the leaves stuck in your hair you said you fell out of a tree, then when I pointed out all the dirt stains you said you fell down a mountain, and then when I pointed out the fact that you're soaking wet, you said you decided to fall into the lake, and now I'm pulling feathers from your clothes and you're telling me you fell on a hippogriff?"
"That's about right, yeah."
The nurse sighed in defeat. "Mr. Potter, you really are the worst liar…"
"But I fell!" Harry insisted.
"Of course you did, dear," Madame Pomfrey said, obviously giving up on trying to find out the truth.
"And I didn't choose to fall in the lake."
"Mhmm."
"Or the hill."
"Of course you didn't."
"I only wanted to fall out of the tree," he explained.
"Naturally."
"And it was a bit smaller than a hippogriff."
At this, Madame Pomfrey snorted. "Oh? Was it a baby hippogriff, then?"
Harry scowled and decided he wasn't going to share anymore information with the nurse.
Waiting until she was gone, the Gryffindor pulled out the hidden envelope and proceeded to rip it open to learn of its contents. Damn. The parchment was soaked straight through. A few words and sentences were smudged here and there, but the handwriting was still definitely familiar.
Quickly scanning through the parts he could make out, Harry's eyes widened as his suspicions were confirmed.
This couldn't be true! There was no way he would allow such a thing to happen! That backstabbing bastard!
Tucking the letter away, Harry slipped out of the hospital bed and headed down to the library. He now had to start making plans for Operation Force the Underestimating, Cocky, Kiss ass Malfoy from EVER Following this Asinine Idea That He had.
Operation F.U.C.K.M.E.F.A.I.T.H. for short.