BITTERSWEET BUTTERSCOTCH
A fanfiction written by elusivemelody
Disclaimer: I do not own anything of Prince of Tennis
Now you see me, now you don't. (:
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From the start when we joined the Seigaku tennis club, my impression of you was that you were the quiet type, though I knew that would be pot calling the kettle black. Kawamura's power, Kikumaru's flexibility, Oishi's accuracy and Inui's analytical skills. With all those unique members I did not see you as someone who stood out much. No one had really expected you to be able to play, especially with your frail-looking body and delicate features. But you hid yourself behind that smiling facade, deliberately misleading us. An angel shrouded in mystery.
But gradually after time, you slowly started showing your talent, little by little, and began to give everyone a glimpse of the lion sleeping inside of you, the very tip of the iceberg.
The first time I really noticed you was when one of the aspiring freshmen had accidentally smashed a ball over from another court. The ball was headed a little way off from you. Your magnificent sapphire eyes were opened a fraction as you gracefully sprinted exactly towards where the ball would land with your back facing it. Effortlessly, you hit it back to the freshman with precision and skill that would surpass even those of professional ranking.
Your eyes then slid back into its usual smiling state as the rest of the freshman marvelled at your flawless aim, or rather what they claimed to be luck.
Even your friend, Nishi Hideto, immediately dismissed it as a fluke. But Yamato-buchou (1), Inui and I knew better. That was no fluke.
Training had ended, and I started picking balls alone in the courts. My sharp ears quickly picked up slight shuffling sounds as you joined me in my activity. I frowned, but didn't look up.
"Tezuka-kun," you said delicately, "you're really left-handed, aren't you?"
Surprised, I looked up. My chocolate brown eyes met your enigmatic cobalt eyes.
"How did you know," I asked, narrowing my eyes. "Not even Ryuuzaki-sensei should know."
Instead of answering me, you evasively got to your feet and picked up the basket of lime green balls.
"You're worried about senpai-tachi (2), right?" you smiled serenely, "because if you got serious and used your left hand, you'd win easily."
I frowned at your perceptiveness, wondering what else was you were hiding behind that untouchable smiling facade. "You're quick to pick up on things."
There was a brief moment of silence. The severeness of the situation hit me then. The destruction of the facade I had taken time to build was dangling from a thread as fickle as your moods. My breath quickened as I waited tersely for you to lay out your conditions. The price for you to keep my secret to yourself.
"Let's go home now," you replied evanescently, deliberately skirting the topic and effectively drawing that converstaion to a close. My keen eyes sharply followed your graceful movements as you slowly strolled away from me while I remained rooted to the spot.
"... or else the school gates would close."
That night, just as I was about to go to bed, my phone vibrated and I glanced at it, picking it up from my study table.
Now you see me, now you don't. (:
I closed my eyes, and the day replayed itself in my mind again. How cryptic, how infuriating. If it's a challenge he is proposing, it's a challenge I'll take. Continue lobbing me balls; I will gladly take the smash.
By our second year, just the slightest murmur of your name, Fuji Syuusuke of Seigaku, sent shivers running down your opponent's spine.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
This is how I show my care for you.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
I woke up with a start, sweat glistening on my forehead. I controlled my breathing and lay back down on my bed with a muffled thud, staring blankly up at the whitewashed ceiling of my bedroom. Shivering, I smelt a faint whiff of butterscotch lingering in the air, as if you snuck in during the night and left shortly before I awoke, watching me with those mesmerizing turquoise eyes of yours that haunted my dreams every night.
I tried to go back to sleep, but it soon became apparent that sleep wouldn't be coming anytime soon. Not with those magnificent cerulean eyes in my mind.
I walked out of the door, frowning when you weren't already at the gates, waiting silently for me. It was rather annoying at first, when you stuck yourself to me like bees to honey, but it had soon became part of my routine, and I had gradually acquired a soft fondness for it. It felt odd, walking to school without you by my side.
School was dreary, I went to the rooftop during lunch as usual, but you weren't there. Halfway through lunch, the rest of the Regulars burst in, and I offhandedly looked around for you. The subject of your absence was finally brought up.
"Eh?" Momoshirou scratched his head. "No one has been poisoned with wasabi yet."
"Fshuu," Kaidoh hissed in annoyance, "baka (3), that's because Fuji-senpai..."
Kaidoh trailed off, knowing to keep his mouth shut lest you heard about this.
Everyone turned to Kikumaru.
"Fujiko isn't in school today," Kikumaru pouted, making a face. "Nya, he had caught a flu bug and started to vomit whatever he ate."
Simultaneously, everyone thought about to trip to the Bowling Alley we had been to the other day.
"Ii data," Inui mumbled, "so Fuji's stomach has a very low tolerance of chemical XXX which was used in Aozu."
I glared at Inui.
That explained your disappearance, though it did not fill up the emptiness in the space beside me which was usually taken by your intoxicating presence.
"Tadaima (4)," I said habitually upon reaching home, even if there was no one else at home to hear.
I went to the kitchen, skimming through Mother's cookbooks. I vaguely remembered her saying that chicken soup was good for flu. Finally flipping to the recipe I wanted, I frowned. It takes approximately seven hours to brew chicken soup.
Before I left the house the next morning, a object that looked like a tennis ball caught my eye. I hesitated before tossing it into the plastic bag. Just in case. After all, apples were said to keep the doctor away. Perhaps apples which were branded with your name would work better. I walked to Fuji's house, feeling odd carrying a plastic bag that contained a pot of steaming soup and a Fuji apple, wondering when had the roles reversed. You were just getting out of the house, declining Yumiko's (5) anxious offer for a lift.
I watched silently as your smile broadened when you saw me.
"Tezuka," you said jovially.
"Fuji," I greeted, relief washing over me as I handed the plastic bag to you. You took a peak inside and I held my breath.
"Arigato (6) Tezuka," you smiled, before teasingly adding, "Saa, I didn't know you cared about me so much."
Heat immediately rushed to my cheeks and I frowned, looking away as I realized that you would be bantering about it for weeks to come.
I never realized until then how much my life revolved around you.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Ne, do you miss me?
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
The wind played with your honey brown hair as you idly threw the tennis ball up into the air and catching it as it dropped down, up and down, up and down. I kept my eyes fixated to the ground, unable to face your reaction to my abrupt announcement. You abruptly stopped playing with the ball.
"Germany, ne," you said airily, a slightly wistful edge to your voice.
I had nearly expected an outburst like the one you had during our freshman years when you found out my arm was injured. Or at least, some display of emotion about my departure for Germany. Never had I expected your voice to be that nonchalant, and something inside of me was disappointed.
"I'm not worried," I replied firmly. "Even without me, Oishi is still here at Seigaku."
There was a slight pause.
And so are you.
"You too," I added, feeling the need to voice out my thoughts as I sneaked a glance at you from the corner of my eyes.
You looked up at the azure sky as an aeroplane whizzed by, seemingly playing about with an idea in your mind.
"How long are you going to be there?" you asked softly.
"I don't know," my heart raced in uncertainty. "Until I fully recover, I intend to focus on rehabilitation."
"When you come back, you would be a perfect Tezuka Kunimitsu, ne?"
"Yeah, and I'll be able to play matches in my best condition."
I paused for a while, before continuing with much more determination and vigour, putting emphasis on the words, to remind you of the promise. To have a match with you after my arm had fully recovered. Our promise.
"With whomever."
You gasped softly in surprise and turned to look at me.
"With whomever?" you asked uncertainly as if you couldn't believe your ears.
I looked straight at you, my eyes piercing yours as you stared at me in shock and surprise.
"Yes, with whomever."
You looked down, and a barely noticeable cheery tone entered your voice.
"I see," you smiled and began tossing the ball again, a genuine smile playing on your lips. "I'm looking forward to it."
And so am I.
Just as I stepped off the plane, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I fished it out and my heart skipped a beat as I saw who it was from.
Ne, do you miss me?
Oddly enough, I think I do.
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Will you remember me?
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Click. Click. Click.
"Ne, Tezuka," you smiled drowsily, unslinging your camera from around your neck.
I kept silent, waiting for you to continue.
"When you become a professional," you said idly, "will you remember me?"
I replied with a short "hnn", resisting the uncharacteristic urge to roll my eyes.
"When you climb Mount Fuji," you said, looking through the many pictures you had taken of the landscape as it whizzed past, "will you remember me?"
"Would I have any reason to forget you?"
"Saa," you replied softly, yawning.
Soon, your eyelids started to droop, the smiling lines in your face smoothening as you fell asleep. Your head dropped onto my shoulder, and a mellifluous butterscotch smell captivated me. I turned my head towards your face, closer, closer, temptingly soft, pulling away abruptly when you stirred slightly. I closed my eyes, pursing my lips, trying to clear my head. Your face looked so pretty, so peaceful...
I tentatively took the camera from your loose hands.
Click.
--
With college exams coming, we started to see each other less and less. You no longer waited for me every morning as you studied late into the night, and all seniors were exempted from their extra-curricular activities to give them more time to study. Lunch in the senior's hallway was deathly quiet, broken occasionally by the flipping of a page or by the soft scratching noises as pen was put to paper. Studying 24/7 was proven to make one extremely cranky, and the freshman and sophomores had taken to avoiding the senior's hallway at all costs.
Occasionally, we would pass each other in the hallway, muttering a brief greeting before going on our way. There was not much time for talk anymore.
I didn't understand how we could have started to argue over something so superficial. It may have been the separation, or more likely, the pressure of the oncoming exams that had gotten into us.
Either way, both of us snapped.
We were both at fault, and yet neither refused to admit.
Neither backed down, and soon words that were necessary were left unsaid.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Do you love me?
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
I never thought I'd ever be in a situation like this: Trapped under the rumbles of a train, in which every breath I took into my lungs was a struggle and yet a relief, a sign that I was still living. It would do no good to panic; panicking would only make things worse. Barely four minutes have passed, but I felt as if I had been trapped under the rumbles for hours.
My phone vibrated.
I reached out for it wearily, jolting with a start when I realised who the sender was. I blinked away the dampness in my eyes as I read it again and again, tears slowly welling in my eyes.
Do you love me?
Short and concise. Rather unlike the perplexing nature of the sender.
I knew I had held back for far too long, afraid of the rejection, of the pain it would bring. I had intended to tell you just after our college exams, when all the tension and pressure was gone. Yet, that trivial argument held me back. But now things have changed, I'm not sure how much time I have left. I would hold on, hold to the last reserves of energy for as long as I could, for there was someone waiting for me.
I panted heavily, feeling my life sapping away like a ticking clock; the battery sign at the top of the phone screen started blinking in warning. And so began my countdown.
Y, the first letter. Already my arm was trembling uncontrollably. The phone nearly slipped from my sweaty grasp. My will steeled, my grip tightened. I would not give up, not until I pushed myself to the end. Two more letters to go.
E, the second letter. From a dull throbbing sensation, my head began pounding mercilessly. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. Faint, yet still there, there was still hope. I can't give up now. This may be his last chance. No matter how antagonizing painful it would be, he had to hold on.
S, the last letter. I smiled wanly. S, for Syuusuke. Syuusuke. How I yearned to hear that soft mellow voice, yearned to smell the soft fragrance of butterscotch, yearned to run my hand through his soft, silky tresses of honey-brown locks, yearned to see those enthralling pair of azure eyes that never failed to mesmerize me.
Yes. How ironic. Now that I'm on the brink of death, I'm allowing his mind to wander. I must have been losing my touch, letting my guard down like that. Or perhaps, it was just Syuusuke rubbing off on me. Syuusuke had always been able to slip past my defences. And he was the only one able to do so. Fuji Syuusuke.
The phone suddenly blacked out and slipped from my rapidly weakening grasp, falling to the rumbles with a dull thud. The finger that had originally lingered over the send button was now limp and unmoving.
The message had yet to be sent. And it was too late now. We had been too stubborn, and I had waited too long.
I had let my guard down.
Darkness gradually numbed my feelings, shutting down my senses, and overwhelming my mind, my body.
My guardian angel, my fairy, hear my prayers.
Fuji Syuusuke.
I love you.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
A secret tauntingly whispered, unable to be heard.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-
My wish never reaches you.
The rain pelted again my skin, drenching my clothes, dousing my soul. I clenched my fist, raw crescent marks forming on my abnormally pale skin as I ran aimlessly in the rain, blinded by the tears forming in my eyes. Soon, my tears mingled with the rainwater. My untramarine blue eyes glazed over in melancholy. I wasn't sure which was which anymore. I didn't care.
I call your name, shaken and puzzled.
I abruptly skidded to a halt, splashing rainwater everywhere. It would have been an understatement to say that I felt drained. My body felt as if it was on fire, my eyes stung painfully, my lips were scratched and bleeding, my throat felt hoarse and parched, my legs trembled violently, my skin was flushed a deep crimson. And my heart was throbbing agonizingly. I panted heavily as I desperately blinked away my tears, trying to make sense of where my legs have unconsciously taken me too. The playground. How much I longed to go back to the carefree nature of those pleasant childhood days.
My feelings are just getting stronger.
What am I to you, Tezuka? I was confused. Confused and hurt. Did that frivolous argument put that much of a distance between us? Why didn't you come to school today? Was it really that hard to even reject me through a message? Were you really that anxious to avoid me? I thought you reciprocated my feelings, I thought you cared for me. I shouldn't have poured all my hopes into one message. Perhaps I had simply been too impulsive, too assumptious, too naīve. Poison tastes temptingly sweet at first, and now all hope is lost for me. My will disappeared, my heart broken. I don't want to hurt anymore.
To protect that smile, I'd risk my life.
I gazed up at the bleak overcast sky that shadowed all feeble rays of moonlight. A thousand shades of gray. I caught a few raindrops on my tongue, laughing bitterly as the cold wind lashed at my face. Angel's tears. Yet no one would see, no one would notice. And no one would care. A tiny imperfection in my seemingly imperceptible facade. It hurts to feel, it hurts to care, it hurts to think, it hurts to remember. I just want to forget, and let my tears wash my pain away. The next step I took, queerly, gave me the feeling of flight, as if I was tenderly being carried to air by silver wings. But all too soon, I was hurtling down. Down into the inky darkness.
I want to love you without hurting anyone.
I just want to forget.
--
I was lying sprawled on the cold wet floor at the end of the staircase that lead to the playground, feeling indescribably disorientated, seeing spots in the corner of my vision. I slowly got to my feet and trudged back home, extremely depressed and empty although I had no idea why.
I have lost my feelings
My numb fingers fumbled with my cold moist house keys but the door slammed open before I could even insert the silver key into the lock. I blinked, mildly surprised.
Yumiko was standing in front of me, her silhouette at the brightly-lit doorway slightly imposing. Her light hazel eyes wide with anxiety as she quickly steered me into the warmth of the house, looking at me worriedly. She quickly grabbed a towel while I waited wearily in the living room, dripping raindrops everywhere. I was too fatigued to move. Yumiko touched my wrist and yelped surprised as she flinched away instinctively, as if she had just been burnt by something scalding hot. My eyelids drooped wearily as Yumiko dried me in the warm fluffy towel that she brought back and ushered me onto that relaxing soft sofa.
I have lost my senses.
"Tezuka-kun, h-he's lying unconscious in the hospital," Yumiko stuttered, her watchful eyes anxiously searching me, as if waiting for some reaction from me.
I felt like I'd lost something, something important, and I couldn't even remember having it.
Yumiko barely caught the words that I mumbled out softly before everything started to spin wildly.
I have lost myself.
"Who's Tezuka?"
And everything turned pitch black.
The end. (:
Thanks to Yoshikochan and Lily Jade for constantly giving me support and encouragement. Acknowledgements to Hey! Say! JUMP for the some lyrics which I took from their song Mayonaka no Shadow Boy.
Mwahaha, I feel evil for leaving a cliffie. I finished this a while back but only posted it today as 0209 is a special day for me, somewhat. :DDD
Hope you enjoyed it. Please read and review. :D
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(1) Yamato-buchou : The captain when Tezuka was a freshman. Buchou is a surffix attached to the end of a name that was used to address captains.
(2) Senpai-tachi : Senpai means upper-class man, tachi is used as a surffix to say that isn't just one upper-classman but all.
(3) Baka : Idiot
(4) Tadaima : I'm back home. Often replied with Okaerinasai, which means welcome home.
(5) Yumiko is Fuji's sister. Not an OC, originally from the manga.
(6) Arigato : Thank you