The Phantom Anus

"Yes, this is it!" Nightmare exclaimed, lifting Soul Edge in the sky as his armour combusts. Nightmare began coughing violently as the smoke disappeared. Just then, a sudden light appeared before him, revealing a familiar form.

"What the hell?"

"Hey, what's going on?"

A Japanese man began looking around the place with a spatula and a chef's hat. He looked at Nightmare as they stared blankly at one another for a minute.

"I am Nightmare, wielder of Soul Edge! The azure terror!"

"Did you interrupt me from my cooking session?"

"Uhhh... no."
"Haven't I seen you before?"

"Yeah, when NAMCO suddenly placed you in one of our series. Heihachi, I remember."

"Oh, yeah."

The Japanese man threw away the spatula and chef's hat, placing his arms in front of him; all he was wearing was a white mowashi, much to Nightmare's displeasure. Nightmare edged away a bit, feeling uncomfortable with the Japanese man's stance.

"What?" the Japanese man asked.

"Why in the hell are you wearing a large diaper?"

"For the sake of Kami... they're NOT diapers! This a mowashi belt, worn for traditional--"

"Diapers."

"At least I'm proud to show some skin. What about you, who's wearing that blue tin-can for twenty-four hours!"

"Hey, I wouldn't talk! With that pose, you can't tell if you're constipated or dingleberries are falling out of your diapers..."

"Oh, quit it with the diaper jokes! I've had enough from my gay adopted son."

"Oh, you mean Lee?"

"Yeah."
"He sucks. I hate it when he does that infinite kick combo."

"Not to mention in one of his endings, he has me in a thong."

"Yeah, that was something I haven't planned on seeing."

"Hey, don't blame me. Lee's gay, and somewhat incestuous."
"Wasn't he adopted, though?"
"Well, let's just say he's queer."
"Yeah..."

For a while, Nightmare and Heihachi just looked at the ground. A moment passes, and a tumble weed rolls past them. Out of boredom, Nightmare lifts Soul Edge on his shoulders as an idea pops in his head.

"Want to kill people?"

"Will it involved throwing boys in volcanos?"
"Yeah. And I will kill them with my Soul Edge! Bwuahaha!" Nightmare boldly lifts up the weapon in the sky.

"That looks like a galley oar."

Nightmare looked at the 'weapon' he held in the air. After noticing its shape, he lowered his shameful head, shaking it.

"Eh, let's go get something to eat."

"Sounds good to me. I was in the middle of Iron Chef anyway."

Meanwhile, in a distant land far from wherever Heihachi and Nightmare were...

A Teutonic knight stands in the middle of an pentagon-shaped arena, lifting his right hand to meet his face. With a zweihander sheathed on his back, with the width nearly as wide as his body, he begins to look into the setting sun.

"Father... I will live on. To live... that is my redemption."

Slowly, he turns around to exit the grounds. But as luck comes about, he slips on a banana peel, causing him to land flat on his face.

"I shouldn't have eaten before I fought Night Terror."

Flashback to ten minutes ago.

The Germanic knight sits on his zweihander's body laid flat, munching slowly and loudly like a retard on a banana with delight; his eyes closed in ecstasy of its flavor, his head lifted up as he savors the taste in his mouth, smiling and moaning once in a while before Night Terror arrives.

"Mmmmm. Nanana," he says with a mouthful.

He throws the banana peel away randomly, resuming fighting position.

End of flashback.

Getting up, he begins to hear voices speaking indirectly. Out of the blue, a ghost appears in front of him. The knight stands pale-faced before the entity, holding back a shriek. Unfortunately for him, he shrieks which causes yellow liquid to drip out of his armour.

"Oh, my God! Bob Dole!"

"Siegfried, you dumbass. I'm your father!"

"Noooooooooo!"

"What the hell?"

"I mean, you died. I killed you."

"Yeah, remind me to blame your mother on that."

"Why?"

"She had a habit of trying to kill me when I tried to surprise her with gifts."

"Like the time when we played Find-The-Tushie under the blankets?"

"You what..."
"Mama and I used to find things under the blanket. At first, I felt uncomfortable when she told me it required us to be naked."

"Damn... the... whore..."

"What was that?"
"Nothing. Anyway, what I came here for was to congratulate you."

"Hey, thanks!"

"Anyway, I have to get back to Heaven; Jesus is throwing Moses a birthday party."

"Isn't he Jewish?"
"How am I supposed to know? I'm Mormon."

"Bye, daddy!" Siegfried waved his hands frantically.

After giving Siegfried an irritated expression and a raised eyebrow, the apparition disappears into nothingness. Siegfried returns his seriousness, grabbing his zweihander as he begins to travel away from the grounds.

"Father... I will live on!"

"I know! You told me three minutes ago!" yelled a voice.

"Oh, yeah. Well, no use being here anymore," Siegfried says, skipping away while singing the opening theme song to 'Teletubbies.'

Some place.

In the busy streets of Tokyo, a group of teenagers take a stroll around the region. The loudest one, with orange hair, continues babbling to a Japanese man, whose spiky hair is covered with the protection of his hood. A group of girls consisting of one Chinese, one Japanese, one Brazilian and one Native-American, gossip behind the Korean orange-head, the silent Japanese, and the blond British man.

"So who do you have crush on, Christie?!" the young Chinese woman skipped along, her pig tails bouncing along with her.

"Um…. I don't want to say…" replied the well endowed Brazilian, biting her lower lip slightly.

"Ewwww…" the Japanese woman began to stretch her hands over her head, the gloved fingers intertwining, her partially zipped up jacket exenterating her chest. "I bet it's that Marduk guy, isn't it?"

The Brazilian began to blush, "What?! No! No, it's not him! It's… err… Eddy! Yeah! Eddy Gordo is the love of my life! Oh God! He's so cute! Yeeeeah! Eddy!" she had gone into a loop, as though trying to prove she was in love with Eddy and not Marduk.

"What do you think, Julia?" Asuka turned around to speak to the supposed 'Native' American, but found herself facing the back of said Indian. Her hands were clasped together, brought just in front of her chest. "Spirits… Give me strength."

"Seriously, Julia… Do you have to do that EVERY TIME someone says something to you?!" Julia stared at the girl for a moment, then turned around and asked the spirits for strength again.

"Yeah! Well I think Christie likes ME!" the fiery haired Korean boasted. "After all, I'm smart! I'm funny! I have red hair."

"You wear fucking goggles, mate." the British boxer seemed rather annoyed with the Korean. "Besides… all the ladies want me."

"Don't be so coy, Steve…" Jin muttered from beneath his hood.

"Jin… do you even know what 'coy' means?" replied Steve.

"Well…. Okay, you caught me!"

"Hey guys," Xiaoyu seemed to be pouting and looking around frantically, "Has anyone seen Julia?" In the distance (about three blocks back) could be heard the voice of the young woman. "SPIRITS, GIVE ME STRENGTHHHHHHH!"

"What... the... fuck?" the group stared at Julia spreading her arms in the air, attracting unwanted attention. They walked away from her because of embarrassment, pulling their collars up their face.

Just then, Julia came running up to the group. It seems like she caught up from their little escape plan. She began throwing punches in the air with rhythm. All of a sudden, "Eye of the Tiger" from the Rocky series started playing, just as she jogged past the group.

"It's the eyes of the tiger.

It's the thrill of the fight.

Rising up to the challenge of our rival!

And the last known survivor--"

Steve punched the girl on her face, making her skid on the floor all the way to an adult video shop. It took her a minute to regain consciousness and scream out of the store. She stomped over to the laughing group, kicking Hwoarang's groin, totally mistaken the person responsible. He fell on the floor, wincing in pain.

"That's what you get, you Korean poo-poo head!" Julia screamed.

"Poo-poo head?" the others asked.

"Maybe she's a virgin," Asuka whispered to Xiaoyu who gasped.

"My mother said I can't say 'shit' or I'd get in real deep shit," Julia explained. The group stared at her stupid comment. They went back to traveling.

Somewhere in England.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh, God, that feels so good! Don't stop!" an English woman screams.

"You like that? Tell daddy what you want!" yells her old-aged butler.

"I want daddy to rub all the honey on my foot!"

And as she requested, the butler paints the English woman's foot, making her squeal and moan from the tickling fervour. She clutches on her bed sheets to try to contain herself, all the while making the pleasure more... pleasureable.

"Now can I go for poker night, Countess Valentine?"

"Did you finish your homework?"

"Yes."

"Wash the dishes?"

"Yes."

"Scrub the toilets?"

"Yes," he says as he holds up a plumber, a shower cap and an apron wrapped around his waist.

"Fix my Siegfried shrine with a wooden stick so I can have imaginary sexual intercourse with him because he thinks I'm a psycho so I have to make an adequate model of the German hot stuff?"

"Yes," he said, fixing the head of the wooden model of Siegfried Schtauffen.

"You can go."

"Yipee!" the butler screams, jumping for joy.

"Meanwhile, that wooden double has some business with me tonight. As... Wonder Woman!" the English woman known as Ivy Valentine strips her usual dominatrix-esque outfit, taking a new attire which was a stolen suit from Wonder Woman's lair. Or invisible jet.

Wonder Woman inside her invisible jet.

"Clark-honey, have you seen my suit?" Wonder Woman pokes her head out of the bathroom with a towel on.

"Did you check the drawers?" Superman calls out from the jet's bedroom, wrapped in invisible blanket.

"I have drawers in this thing?"

Back at the mansion.

"Oh, Siegfried will sure love this!" Ivy adjusts her bra, revealing more than they should, but she's too buxom anyway, it couldn't contain their size so they showed everything but her nipples.

K-Mart waiting line.

Siegfried stands with a cart filled with Herbal Essence, Star Wars lightsabers and Puppychow. Then he sneezes.

"Ugh. Somebody must be thinking of me again," he says, rubbing his nose.

At the mansion.

"Now is the time to have Siegfried come to me! Or on me." Ivy jumps out of her window, soaring in the sky because she somehow learned the ability to fly. The crew from NASA smiles and give thumbs up.

"Orbitz. The fresh way is the greater way," Kurt Cobain with a British accent says for the NASA crew.