Hi guys,
Sorry it's been absolutely ages since I lasted
posted anything HPish. I've already got three chapters of this fic so
I'll be able to update this fairly soon, and I've even started
writing OotP the Musical again! And might even re-upload Albus
Dumbledore's Inbox!
I wrote this last year before Half-Blood Prince came out, and then JKR had the gall to write a book that totally ruined the fic. Never mind, eh? Since I spent so much time working on my beloved fic, I though I'd upload the first chapter anyway and see what you think. Obviously, no HBP spoilers. I don't even give away Blaise Zabini's gender.
Disclaimer: Characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The music (not the words!) comes from Joss Whedon's "Once more with feeling", my favourite ever episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
More Snape, With Feeling!
Chapter 1: Goon today, Heir tomorrow
The trouble
began after the first package from Fred and George Weasley. It
contained little parcels for all their old friends - although most of
these old friends were wise enough to leave their parcels alone.
Lavender and Parvati, however, flattered that Fred and George even
remembered them, let curiosity get the better of them and opened up
their parcels.
A number of different sweets and candies fell out.
Most of them had familiar labels - Skiving Snackboxes were there, and
so were Canary Creams. They also each had a little foil wrapped
chocolate with a note attached.
This is a special chocolate
we're importing from Brazil. Of course, normally we just sell our own
stuff, but this could generate serious interest. It's known as an
'Instant Date' because the eater of it will suddenly become more
witty, more charming, and somehow even more beautiful without
changing at all.
Whoever she then asks for a date will not be
able to refuse. Tell us if you like it - F & G.
"Well
of all the... the cheek of it!" Lavender burst out. "As if
we can't get boys on our own."
"Eloise Midgen might have
a use for it," Parvati said disdainfully. "But I certainly
don't."
They both went to lunch feeling distinctly
offended.
---
Such things, however, prey on the mind.
There was a Ravenclaw guy - Chaser in the Quidditch team - who was
gorgeous. Parvati couldn't stop thinking about him - and if
she didn't get a move on, Padma would get him first. And no matter
what a girl did, she just couldn't let her sister get a boy before
she did. And of course she was already attractive enough, of course
she was much more interesting than Padma and obviously much more
courageous, but Padma had the distinct advantage of not only being
just as pretty as her, but also in Ravenclaw. And... well, the
chocolate couldn't hurt, could it? Fred and George had said that she
wouldn't really change at all. No one would know... not even
Lavender.
It wouldn't do any harm. She ate it when they'd finished
lunch.
Lavender had a different problem, and it was in the shape of Seamus Finnigan. That boy really was terrible at getting his act together. After all the hints she'd dropped he still hadn't gotten any closer to realising that she fancied him. Why hadn't he asked her out? It couldn't be - oh it surely couldn't be - that he didn't find her attractive... The chocolate surfaced in her mind. She couldn't eat it... that would just be pathetic. On the other hand... Well, she only had one of them. The effect would probably wear out after a while... Surely it would. But it might last just long enough to persuade him that she was the one for him. And there was really no harm in that. She looked up and peeked at Seamus down the table. Why not? She ate the chocolate.
So Parvati had approached the Ravenclaw table, full of confidence, and invited the Ravenclaw chaser, Hank Baxter to Hogsmeade with her at the weekend. Hank had seemed taken aback, but had readily accepted. She couldn't wait to see the look on Padma's face!
And Lavender had boldly approached Seamus, smiled the smile she knew would be even more dazzling than ever, and asked him to Hogsmeade. He agreed instantly. Ah, things were going well.
---
In their
afternoon Potions lesson, neither girl could resist making
particularly girly giggles. Everything just seemed so funny. How was
it, for example, that Neville Longbottom was still doing Potions
despite Snape being his self-confessed greatest fear? How was it that
Harry hadn't yet done the decent thing and got contact lenses and
huge muscles? Heroes were supposed to do that!
And Snape. How
could anyone find him frightening? He was so greasy, beaky and
sarcastic. Lavender and Parvati didn't understand why they'd ever
found him intimidating. They also couldn't understand why they'd
wasted so much time following instructions. Snape had actually got
them making furniture polish...
Lavender sniggered in a most
ungirly fashion.
"What?" Parvati asked.
Lavender
pointed to a page in another part of the textbook. "Look..."
Parvati
looked.
Jelly Polish
How to make polish that renders
every wood or metal surface into a jelly-like consistency...
The
recipe that followed was rather close to that of the furniture
polish. Parvati wondered why the recipe was so appealing. Normal
furniture polish was boring. Wobbly furniture definitely
sounded like fun...
They exchanged looks. Lavender went to grab
the extra ingredients.
By some stroke of luck, the potion
looked perfect by the end. Lavender doubled up her normal furniture
polish for Parvati, and then they both saved some of the jelly
polish. Snape was away from his seat, berating Neville as usual.
Parvati grinned. "Are you thinking what I'm
thinking?"
"What?"
Parvati nodded towards
Snape's chair. Lavender handed her a brush.
As they reflected afterwards, it was truly amazing how Snape's chair had remained stable, right until the point at which he sat on it. It was also quite amazing how he sank slowly, not quite realising at first what was happening, then his calm expression turning to horror as he fell right back. The sound was also truly melodious, like a gong ringing, wavering around a pitch. The aftermath wasn't particularly nice - he'd given Lavender and Parvati detentions for giggling, and Harry and Ron detentions for apparently doing the dirty deed, but the two friends still could not stop laughing.
---
After the Jelly Polish, more and more ideas came. Lavender charmed Harry's glasses to make him appear cross-eyed. Parvati sneaked her Canary creams into the staff room. Lavender put a 'Kick me' sign on Filch's back. Parvati charmed Hermione's hair to stand on end. Pranks were so much fun! In the common room that evening, they reflected on the day they'd had.
"It's strange," Lavender said, "I
never realised messing around was so much fun."
"It has
been weird. Still... You'll never guess what."
"What?"
"Hank's
coming with me to Hogsmeade!"
Lavender tried to share her
friend's excitement, but handsome and intelligent Quidditch players
just didn't match her sweet Irish lover boy (yeah, it had to be
love). "That's great, Parvati! I'm going with Seamus!"
"You
asked him then?" Parvati queried.
"Oh yes. Of course..."
She chuckled. "I didn't need any sweet to do it
with."
"Oh, me neither," Parvati said
airily.
---
Monday became Tuesday, and Lavender and
Parvati had a very fun Divination lesson. Professor Trelawney had
strangely become very boring recently, but it was such fun to write
long and ridiculous horoscopes that involved baguettes, boys called
Hilary, poodles and feta cheese. Lavender, however, became
concerned.
"Parvati?"
"And then the aliens will
abduct your feta cheese and carve it into a poodle shape, which will
be revered as a god by all Aries Hufflepuffs... Sorry, what?"
"We've
got three detentions already. What are we going to do?"
"Amazon
women armed with sharpened baguettes will plunder your cottage... I
don't know."
"It'll go on our permanent record."
"Our
permanent record doesn't seem to matter that much anymore, you know?"
Parvati said. Lavender had to admit that she agreed, but this was
slightly disturbing.
"Parvati... Don't you think we've been
acting weirdly lately?"
"The moon in the eighth house
foretells that your wasp infestation will turn nasty and start
demanding room service... Yes a little, I suppose. Isn't Hilary a
really silly name for a boy?"
"Like Blaise,"
Lavender said. "Is Blaise a boy's name? You didn't happen to eat
anything in that parcel Fred and George sent us, did you?"
Parvati
went tight lipped. "No, no, why do you ask? Did you eat anything
from it, Lavender?"
"Er... No, of course not,"
Lavender said hurriedly. There was a silence.
"You ate the
chocolate, didn't you," Lavender accused, suddenly. Parvati was
indignant.
"No, of course not!" She looked at her
friend. "You ate it, didn't you!"
Lavender went pink.
"No! Why would I? I can ask Seamus out without a
chocolate!"
They looked at each other grimly.
"They
tricked us," Parvati said.
"Yeah, they did... Who can
help us now?"
---
There is only one person who can help you in such a situation.
"Hello Hermione,"
Lavender said brightly. Hermione stared at Parvati uneasily, as she
had only just restored her hair to its usual state. "Tell me you
haven't just graduated from the Alfonso Cuaron school of
Hairdressing."
"I'm sorry about that," Parvati
said. "I really am." Actually it had been hilarious but a
little insincerity would probably help their cause.
"We've
been tricked," Lavender said, getting to the point. "Fred
and George did something to us, and now we've been acting..."
"Like
Fred and George," Parvati completed.
"How strange!"
Hermione said. Her eyes lit up at the chance of having an
intellectual challenge. "I'll go to the library."
She
returned an hour later, and placed an obscure potion book down in
front of them.
"It's an Intellectual Heir Potion."
"A
what?" Parvati asked.
Hermione put on her most intelligent
face. "It was created by Daius X Makina in the seventeenth
century. It requires bicorn horn, Doxy teeth, and a drop of the
maker's blood... Essentially, Lavender and Parvati..."
"What?"
"You
are acting like Fred and George... Because you are Fred and
George."
Parvati recovered first. "What!"
"But
we're still us," Lavender cried.
"I know," Hermione
said. "But the point of the potion is to inspire someone to
finish the work you started - in the case of Fred and George, being
pranksters. You can't help but act like them because they've put
themselves into you."
"Yuck," Parvati said. "So
how long does it last?"
"Until you've left Hogwarts, I'm
afraid," Hermione said.
"But why us?" Lavender
despaired.
"Maybe because we're uninteresting peripheral
characters, and the series really isn't the same without Fred and
George?" Parvati suggested.
A passing Hufflepuff prefect
looked at them sternly. "No romantic irony in the
corridors!"
Lavender picked up the potions book ("A
Portfolio of Perplexing and Potent Potions" by Daius X Makina).
She flicked through it and her face lit up.
"Parvati... I
have a plan..."
---
"The Sound of Music!"
Lavender burst out.
"No." Parvati was firm.
"What
about the Pirates of Penzance?"
"I really don't want to
have him spitting everywhere trying to pronounce 'I am the very model
of a greasy hook-nosed psychopath'..."
"That's really
quite good."
"Nothing rhymes with psychopath,"
Parvati insisted. "But I do have an idea..."
Parvati
and Lavender had discovered some more of Makina's Perplexing and
Potent Potions. In order to get revenge on Snape for the twenty-four
detentions they had amassed during the last three days, Lavender had
discovered the astoundingly improbable Musical Moments
Potion.
"Essentially," Hermione explained, "It
induces the subject to express their deepest thoughts in song,
meaning that music accompanies them wherever they go."
Parvati
and Lavender both looked extremely perplexed.
"Hermione,"
Lavender said, "How did you get here?"
"Sorry,"
Hermione said. "It's just you needed an intelligent
explanation."
"Please go away whilst we're discussing
out plans," Lavender said politely. Hermione left.
They had
to pick a musical. After long arguments, despite the fact that they
were both purebloods who'd never watched Muggle television, they
decided on the obvious choice. It would have to be Buffy the Vampire
Slayer: Once more with Feeling.
Yeah, I know that's not
logical.
---
Severus Snape was in a state of angst even more heightened than usual. He had to face it - he was bored. The Dark Lord was making him do more unspecified diabolical acts, the Slytherins he was supposed to be favouring were being annoying, and he just couldn't get over his crush on Hermione Granger. There was no doubt about it - he couldn't go on. He had to get out.
In his sixth year NEWTs class (why on earth was Neville Longbottom still in that class?) he was actually struggling to maintain his usual composure. For one thing, there seemed to be some kind of music playing somewhere. For another, apart from Brown and Patil, he was having trouble finding reasons to take points from Gryffindors... And he'd cracked and given every single Slytherin apart from Blaise Zabini, the androgynous quiet one, a T in their last test.
Brown and Patil were giggling. He heard Brown whisper, "It's going through the motions!"
How strange.
Before he knew
it, he'd begun to sing. He actually had a rather nice baritone. Who'd
have thought? But I'm
stuck here teaching potions
"Every single year, the same dull students
I
have to try to enlight
Still I always feel they're just a
nuisance
As for Crabbe and Goyle, they can hardly write
I can't
make the news for boiling brews
That nobody can use
It's always been my part
When do I
get Defence Against Dark Arts?"
They were all staring at him, but he just couldn't stop. And for some reason, some Slytherins were dancing in the back row.
"I was always
cold and quite sarcastic
Now I find I'm weakening
Longbottom's
attempts are all craptastic
Why even begin?"
Longbottom contributed, "It's got lumpy bits in."
"Just shove it in the bin!"
The Slytherins started to
sing. Snape is tired of teaching potions
"He would scrub the floors with Gryffindors
But
now this torture bores
And
tests aren't what they were..."
Malfoy started. He had a stupid, weedy, girly voice. Hah!
"We're not
scoring quite as well as..."
He looked at his test paper,
and saw the 'T'.
"Sir!"
Snape found
himself pleading out loud.
"Will I teach this stuff
forever?
Telling Malfoy's boy he's clever?
Dumbledore
appeared out of nowhere.
"Severus, please stay!"
"Not
ever!
I don't want to be..." It was time for a grand
finale.
"Stuck here teaching potions
Losing my skin
tone
Albus can't you see
This teaching isn't me
Why don't
you all leave me alone!"
He stopped. What on earth
had just happened to him? He hated singing! He hated dancing! He
hated stupid made-up words like "craptastic"! And where had
Dumbledore come from? Brown and Patil were looking smug, for some
reason.
He ran out of the room.
------
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