Hey guys... This is a kind of serious story that I am dedicating to someone that I knew very dearly. I am not going to say who they are but she was an amazing female who shone a light in everyone's life. She's not dead but she moved away for a while and I miss her a lot. When she comes back, she promises to take me and our friends out for a girls' day. I am currently counting down the days into the year 2018.
Disclaimer: I do not own Camp Rock so let's get some ice cream and cry about it. I also do not know much about Bipolar or depression but I have known people who suffer from both.
This story is a dedication and if you are experiencing from either Bipolar or depression, I hope that life gets easier for you and know that I am by your side xx
Caitlyn's POV
A stage crew man made his way over to me, helping me attach a microphone to the lapel of my shirt. "So when Chloe calls for you to come up, you enter from the left and take a seat on the left." he instructed, patting my lapel as he finished.
"Okay, thanks." I breathed out, wiping my sweaty palms on my Calvin Klein jeans as the crew member walked away. I turned when I felt a presence beside me.
"You'll do great. Just tell the world your story and how you battled with your demons." Mitchie whispered, putting an arm around my shoulders.
I cocked my head in her direction. "What about you, Miss I-Cut-My-Wrists-and-Suffered-From-Bulimia?" I whispered back. Mitchie only smiled.
"You know I can't spread stuff like that. I have younger fans." Mitchie replied.
Nodding, I agreed with her. "Thanks for being here. Nate promised that he would come but something obviously came up." I sighed. Connect 3 had recently started working with a pair of artists that were sisters. No surprise when Nate and Shane had both dated one.
"He loves you. Don't worry about Charli and Cherri." Mitchie mumbled, obviously thinking about Cherri and Shane.
"How can he love me? I am a depressed, Bipolar, unattractive girl." I sighed, sitting down on a couch near the buffet table.
Mitchie sat beside me, putting her sunglasses on. She always did this lately when she wanted to be serious and didn't have her reading glasses nearby. "I beg to differ, Caitlyn Gellar. Your face is plastered all over the world on billboards, album covers, movie shots and the likes! You're better than Dana and Charli put together. You're an successful singer, actress and dancer and Nate loves you for you. He was even the first one to know about your depression and Bipolar yet he stayed with you for all these years."
"But we only started dating last year." I pointed out.
"He was with Olivia for quite a while and maybe he didn't see you how you saw him until recently but even when he was with other girls, he loved you. He needed you by his side at concerts, interviews and awards ceremonies. You are his constant and if you were to think that you weren't then... why are you with him?"
"Because I love him."
"Exactly. And he loves you. Now get your ass up there and tell everyone how hard it is to have such a public life and struggle with your demons."
I was about to cry from happiness but I settled for a tight hug. "I love you, Mitchie."
"Love you too, Caitlyn."
"Introducing the one and only, Caitlyn Gellar!" Chloe Evergreen announced, making me quickly stand up and walk model-like on the stage as the audience applauded. I hugged Chloe and she whispered words of encouragement in my ear before we broke away and sat in our seats. Mine's the left.
"Thank you for having me on your show, Chloe." I thanked her. Chloe Evergreen was a talk show host who mainly focused on the dark secrets and struggles of celebrities. Occasionally she would have normal people tell give their own testimonies but I had personally asked to be featured in today's episode on how to deal with Bipolar and depression. Chloe, being 37 and having suffered from depression herself, had started this show and quickly rose to fame. She was now one of my closest friends.
Chloe smiled at me, her eyes twinkling in acceptance. "No, thank you for coming on. I know it's hard to admit to these kind of things that you wouldn't normally want people knowing." she said gently.
"Well, I just want my fans to know the real me. And to also tell anyone out there who suffers what I am currently suffering from that things do get better and yeah, you have good days and bad days."
Chloe sighed blissfully. "You're so young as well, my love. You're only twenty-two."
"I'll be twenty-three soon." I smiled, making everyone cheer.
"You've been in a relationship with Nate Gray from Connect 3 since last year, right?"
I nodded. "Right. And he's been there throughout my struggles for as long as I can remember. We've known each other for twenty years now."
"That's a long time! I'm glad you have the support of him and other celebrities out there and as well as your family. How did your parents take the news that you had Bipolar?"
I gulped. It ran in my mother's side and it was one of the reasons why hers and my father's marriage failed fourteen years ago but they had moved on since then. "My mom was absolutely shocked. She herself has Bipolar and she didn't want me nor my siblings to suffer from what she had. She's an actress so her life has pretty much been plastered on the media and she dealt with it pretty well. I want to be like her. She has come to terms that we're going through the same thing and we are closer than ever. My dad on the other hand was..." I sighed. "He didn't take it too well because his marriage to my mother failed because of this illness so he was afraid that in the process, he would lose me." I whispered.
"Are you okay now?"
I shrugged and nodded. "I guess. He too has come to terms with it and it's still an ice-breaker in our family."
Chloe smiled, placing a hand on my knee. "I'm happy that your family are supporting you. Who have you brought along today with you?"
I grinned. "My best friend, Mitchie Torres." I turned to the direction of the excited audience.
"As in the singer, Mitchie Torres?" Chloe gasped as Mitchie briefly waved as the camera pointed on her behind the scenes. "Well God Bless her for being her and being such a good friend. Okay, this might get too personal but when did you last have a major depression spell?"
My breathed hitched in my throat and I could see Mitchie holding her own breath from the corner of my eye. Chloe subtly shook her head and placed her hand on my knee again.
"Should we move on-"
"No." I found myself saying as soon as I could breathe. Mitchie stared on, her fingers gripping her necklace. "I was thirteen so this was nearly ten years ago. I, uh... I wasn't feeling too happy. Nate wasn't there and I felt that I couldn't really talk to my sister since she was twenty years old, nor my brother because he didn't understand what I was going through and the only person who could understand was my mom who was busy filming a new movie so I went up to the roof of our three-storey home in California and I..." I took a shaky breath as Chloe handed me a glass of water. I took my time, sipping as I blinked tears away. "I jumped."
There were gasps around the room as it was stunned into silence. "You-you jumped?" Chloe asked gently.
I nodded. "I had the intention of killing myself. I only succeeded in a broken arm and a broken leg. My mom... I would never forget the day my mom yelled at me whilst crying. She was so angry yet so caring as he arms hugged me tight as if I was going to disappear. Then, I realised that I had to get better otherwise I would be the death of my mother."
Chloe bit her lip. "Oh my God. Have you had any, uh, Bipolar spells recently?"
I nodded. Chloe had allowed Mitchie to sit beside me on the couch and hold my hand. I gripped it for dear life. "It was three months ago. I hadn't seen Nate in almost five months and the calls weren't enough. Mitchie and I had gotten into a stupid argument and she was ignoring me. Since we live together in an apartment, we can't really avoid each other so she went to stay with her parents for a while." I took a deep breath as Mitchie gripped my hand. "I had no one to talk to when in reality I did. My sister lives ten minutes away but yet I didn't want to call her up because she was with her family. My brother was in London promoting his band's new album and Mitchie and I weren't on speaking terms. I could have called my mom or Nate but they were both out of the country and unable to console me. So eventually, I decided on a nice hot bath to take away the pain for a while. But I found myself turning on the shower, taking my shoes off and going into the bathtub with my clothes on. I just sat there, crying and I didn't know what was happening to me. I kept repeating that I was 'normal' and 'okay' and everything was 'going to be alright'. I didn't think there was anything wrong with me. I wasn't the problem." I felt my throat close up as tears started slipping down my cheeks. Times like this, I wished Nate was her and not busy. I started full on sobbing as Mitchie hugged me tightly and Chloe gave me tissues. I listened and calmed to Mitchie's soothing whispers of sweet things. When I had calmed down, I wiped my eyes. "Mitchie forgot something and came home to find me. When I didn't acknowledge her, she called my sister who asked if I was taking my meds, if I was hurt... That was the first time I scared Mitchie and that brought us even closer together and enough to forgive each other for the stupid argument we had."
Mitchie quickly butted in so I could have time to control my emotions. "I knew of Caitlyn's illnesses when we met. She was always happy or normal but seeing her like that, like a child, I freaked out and I hoped that I hadn't caused her to breakdown. When Cornelia was talking to her, she wouldn't answer she would just rock back and forth saying that she was 'okay', 'normal' and I, myself, started crying. I love her like a sister and I never want to lose her. I just kept thinking that what if she was going to be like this forever? Would we have to send her somewhere to sort her out? I would never ever want to lose her so I just did as I was told to make Caitlyn better. I even apologised first and I didn't care because I meant my apology and I wanted my best friend back."
"So," Chloe gulped, sniffing as she wiped her eyes. "Would you say that being Bipolar and having depression has brought you closer to your friends and family?"
I nodded, unable to speak. I was glad when Mitchie did for me. "Caitlyn still has little moments when she's frantic and hyper but we're closer than ever because only someone you love and know can experience stuff like that with you, you know? Now, every morning when I have my vitamins, she has her meds and we both take them at the same time as if we're doing shots. We even link out arms and after we would be giggling like little schoolgirls. We understand each other."
"Do you ever forget taking your meds?"
"I think that day when I had my breakdown, I had forgotten. I hadn't been feeling too well and I had been pushed to the limit with getting a song out, working on my album and filming a new movie so that day I had forgotten and my friends had been commenting that I was hyper, drained and acting strange. I obviously didn't want to admit it but I knew that they were freaking out because I was never like that and I always took my meds not caring who saw me within my friend group. I don't forget taking them except from that one time but I stop when I'm either testing new meds out or when I am unwell like when I have a cold or flu."
Chloe nodded, smiling. "Right, this new song is to do with your struggle. It's on your new and true album, Bipolar Queen."
"Yeah, 'Good For You' is a bit about myself and my relationship with Nate. I do want to be good enough for him and sometimes I wish I wasn't ill but Nate always comforts me because he too is not 'normal' as we put it. He has diabetes and it's real and it's hard for him to get by and when we are together, we remind each other to take our meds, insulin etc. We're good for each other but me being mentally unstable as some would put it, I want to be good for him because he's good for me. We both have our off days and our on days and we are always there for each other no matter what. This song, also being about myself, is how I see myself. My doctor is always telling me that I should say good things about myself so that's where 'normal' and 'okay' come into place because that's the words I would use when I'm having a Bipolar meltdown. I would say I'm '14 carats' and a 'marquise diamond' so I feel good about myself."
"Well you're going to sing it for us after the break, aren't you?"
I giggled, nodding.
"Well that's it for now, join me with Caitlyn Gellar and Mitchie Torres, after the break.
"And... cut!"
Chloe immediately hugged me, whispering things into my ear. "You're a diamond. You shine brighter than anyone I have met on this show."
I smiled as we pulled away. "Thank you, Chloe."
"No, thank you." Chloe smiled, kissing my cheek. "Also, Mitchie Torres... thank you for being here with her. Will you ever share your story?"
Our eyes widened. "I-No-How?"
"That photo and the caption 'gummy bracelets are a bitch'? I can see through it. I was like you, Mitchie."
"I can't anyway. I have younger fans and it's the parents who buy the tickets."
Chloe nodded. "I understand. But both of you along with your men and your families can join me at my villa in Spain on a 'find yourself' journey."
"I would love to but I kind have made one for myself in Hawaii." I said. "I'm going to surf a large wave in honour of my recently passed grandmother and myself from not going into a dark place and becoming depressed."
"Good on you, my love." Chloe smiled. "Will anyone join you?"
"No. I will travel the ocean myself and surf the wave on my own as well as leave flowers for my nana."
Mitchie stepped in. "We would see her off for her journey of three days."
"Well I wish you all the best." Chloe said, taking her seat again as the stage hand counted down from three. "And we're back again with Caitlyn about to sing her new song sans her featuring artist."
I stood up and made my way to the microphone on the side stage and closed my eyes as the opening beats started.
I'm on my 14 carats
I'm 14 carat
Doing it up like Midas, mhm
Now you say I got a touch
So good, so good
Make you never wanna leave
So don't, so don't
Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight
Do my hair up real, real nice
And syncopate my skin to your heart beating
'Cause I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
Let me show you how proud I am to be yours
Leave this dress a mess on the floor
And still look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
I'm on my marquise diamonds
I'm a marquise diamond
Could even make that Tiffany jealous, mhm
You say I give it to you hard
So bad, so bad
Make you never wanna leave
I won't, I won't
Gonna wear that dress you like, skin-tight
Do my hair up real, real nice
And syncopate my skin to how you're breathing
'Cause I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
Let me show you how proud I am to be yours
Leave this dress a mess on the floor
And still look good for you, good for you,
Uh-huh, uh-huh, ah...
Uh-huh, uh-huh, ah, mhm...
Trust me, I can take you there
Trust me, I can take you there
Trust me, I, trust me, I, trust me, I
I took a deep breath as the instrumental part took over my swaying body. I smiled slightly at everyone dancing and bopping their heads to the music.
My smiled widened when I saw Connect 3 sneak in and watch.
I closed my eyes for the final chorus and gripped the microphone tightly.
I just wanna look good for you, good for you, uh-huh
Baby let me be good to you, good to you, uh-huh
Let me show you how proud I am to be yours
Leave this dress a mess on the floor
And still look good for you, good for you, uh-huh, uh-huh, ah...
I opened my eyes and smiled.
Uh-huh, uh-huh...
Trust me, I, trust me, I, trust me, I
I grinned as everyone applauded, Chloe and Mitchie in a joint-lead at applauding the hardest. I mouthed to Mitchie who turned and grinned before turning back to me with a thumbs up.
"That was absolutely amazing, don't you agree, guys?!" Chloe asked, making the audience scream louder and me giggle. Chloe and Mitchie joined me on stage. "I want to thank the wonderful Caitlyn Gellar was telling her story today and I want to thank Mitchie Torres for supporting her throughout this. I have been Chloe Evergreen and this has been The Evergreen Truths. Thanks for watching and good day!"
"Cut!"
I rushed over to the boys with Chloe and Mitchie following and I launched myself at Nate. "I thought you couldn't come!"
"I wanted to surprise you." he said, kissing me.
"Surprise, I was." I smiled, leaving his arms to hug Shane and Jason. "Thanks for coming guys."
"We had to support you. It wasn't easy." Jason said, hugging me tightly. "We heard the whole interview. Did you really have a meltdown because of an argument with Mitchie?"
I nodded, biting the inside of my mouth. "We didn't want to alarm you guys but Nate did find out." Mitchie said for me.
"Connect 3! Pleasure to have you here." Chloe announced, shaking their hands. I looked at her and she nodded, accepting my thanks. I just wanted to stop talking about my illness for once.
"Sorry we aren't interesting enough to be on your show." Shane said, making everyone laugh.
Nate blushed. "I could come on, in the near future?" Nate said, looking at me as he put an arm around my waist. "Having Caitlyn tell everyone how she's getting through makes me want to tell everyone how I am coping being diabetic. I have before but that was when I was fifteen. I think I need to renew that story a little."
Chloe grinned. "I would love to have you on. Whenever you're free, I can slot you in."
"Thanks." Nate said, pulling me into his side. "Now if you guys don't mind, Caitlyn and I have to meet up with her mom and her fiancé to talk wedding plans."
I groaned. "Why did she put me and Cornelia as joint-maid of honour?" I asked as my friends laughed to my displeasure.
"I can't wait to see Caitlyn in orange!" Shane said.
"It doesn't go with her complexion." Mitchie stated to Chloe who laughed.
"I feel sorry for the bridesmaids. They wear peach!" Jason said. "In Summer!"
We all gasped dramatically. "Major fashion faux pas!" Chloe pointed out.
"Tell me about it." I mumbled. "Well, thanks again for having me on your show." I said, hugging Chloe.
"Do come back and visit me!"
I smiled, nodding. "Of course."
As we got into Nate's car since the guys all arrived separately due to doing different things, Nate turned to me. "Are you okay?"
"Better than I'll ever be." I whispered, smiling to him. "I sometimes hate being like this."
"But who would I call my beautiful Bipolar Queen?" Nate asked gently, making me blush bashfully. "I know it's weird and makes you insecure but think about Bipolar being blue. You're cold yet stunningly beautiful."
I could see where he was going and kissed him. "I love you."
"I love you too, Caity." Nate replied, kissing me.
Some of these events did really happen to my friend. She has given me full permission to use them in this fanfiction. Please, please do take other people into consideration and stay strong guys!
Bex xxx
