Sephiroth Sexy Time II: Second Cumming

An AZN Production

Prologue: Loch Ness

Eet was a dark night at da Loch, I was rowing out in me row boat wit'one hand and dumping potassium chlorate into a fifdy gallon dah-rum of gasoline an' Tijuana bottle rockets. I turned towards the shore, knocked the wayward-pinches of potassium clorate off of my hands an' into the mix, an' waved to me Pa and Ma. They returned the gesture an' me Pa put his arm around me Ma's shoulder pulling her into his wool coat against the cold Scottish bite. I turned back to work and struck a match to light mah cigarette. I took a deep breath, absorbin' the smoke into my already Black lungs. I worked like a conductah, movin' mah hands back and forth, crossing wires back and forth, over and under, forming and haphazard web of fuses and timers. Then, I felt it, wave rippled against mah boot and bubbles rose from the grimy depths.

Me excitement rose from my feet to my hands, muscles firin' off electrical impulses causing arrant-twitches. I gestured over me creation towards the center of the Loch, my parents applauded. An arrant twitch shook my hand, knocking the ash from me smoke off the butt downward, I followed it down, it knicked one of the fuse wires and fell to the ground. I froze solid, like a weary git. The fuse took off criss-crossing under unburned wires as I went to snuff'er out, I patted at the fire, but other wires had caught. The bubbling intensified and I made for the barrel, hefting it up to toss into the depths. The sudden weight shift caused me to stumble back, and I lost my greep on dah barrel and it flew up into the sky. I watched in horror as it landed on the coast, me parents tried to run, but they were engulfed in a brilliant flame.

Red filed me right eye and I fell back into me boat, I turned over to look into the water. I could see somthin'. A damn scuba diver poked his yellow-hardhatted head up and looked me in me eye.

"Don't worry buddy, I solve problems, not problems like, 'What is beauty?', because that would fall within the purview of your conundrums of philosophy. I solve..." Me world went to black to the smell of brimstone and death.

I awoke tew a sound of feetsteps around me, I cracked me good eye open and saw a average man with a superman-style haircoot tending to a shrapnel wound in me leg.

"Ah, das iz gud, you have awoken! I am ze doctor, Doctor Von Medicstien."

"Well, I'm just a black Scottish cyclops with a manky eye, they got more cocksucking Asian dykes with two dicks and three balls than they got the likes of me."

"Vat?"

"Are me parents dead, Medic?"

"Ja, there was no medicine that could save them." I went for a needle and made to plunge it into me vein, injecting air into my bloodstream, but the Medic stopped me.

"Z'at is not medicine! Zat is doctor-assisted homicide!" I let the needle go.

"Danke, Dummkopf! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have other patients to kil-I mean-treat. Cheers, ahem, I mean, see you later, hahahahaha." The medic left the room laughing to himself.

I was alone for a moment before a knock rattled the open door. "Yeah?"

"You okay, demoman?"

"Yeah."

"You want to talk?"

"Talk?" I stiffened, sittting up in me bed. "I got something to tell you, a grim, bloody fable, with an unhappy ending with a whiff of brimstone. Are ya cock-sure, with you head full of eyeballs that ya can handle it?"