A/N: I got the idea for this when I was listening to Howie Day's Collide (excellent CD).
I'll try to update my other stories within the next few weeks. I'm preparing to take part of my medical licensure exam in a week and a half so I probably won't update until after that is over.
Hope you enjoy! -Jac
The sunlight is barely able to illuminate the room through the roman blinds hung on the windows. I'm awake; I have been awake for what seems like hours. I've been watching her sleep.
Her body is tucked against mine; our legs tangled together in a lovers embrace. I occasionally see her eyelids flutter, but I'm not sure if I want her to wake just yet. Everything seems so much simpler when she is still sleeping.
She's going to over-analyze the situation. She's going to run scared from what could be, what was, and what will never happen. I know that. I know it's because everyone else has done so much damage. They have cheated, lied, and lead her one. Sara's never had a normal relationship in her entire life.
She's told me private things about her family a few times. I asked if she was going to call her mother on Mother's Day. Sara said that she didn't bother anymore. Her mother is mentally disturbed. I guess talking to her brought back all of the memories that Sara was trying to forget. She listened to me talk to my mother, while we both lay in bed.
I'm not sure how this all happened. It's been almost year since we were first together, but we haven't bothered to define what the finer points of what 'together' means. I think of together as forever, but I'm still afraid that she will leave the moment that Grissom realizes what he is missing. I try to be hopeful that this is more than a friendship with benefits, but I still get sick to my stomach when Grissom waxes poetic about the relationship he has always dangled in front of Sara.
She's here now . . . that's all that matters. I've learned that it doesn't pay to live in the past. I've learned that all I have is today. My future always seems a little shakier than it should.
She stirs silently. I know she's partially awake wondering exactly how this happened again. It's part of a routine that neither of us can break. It's our way of feeling something other than all the feelings that we are trying to deny. I'm trying to ditch my new found cynicism; Sara's trying to be less angry. Three times a week, we drown those feelings in each other's company. It's a distraction. It doesn't make me forget.
She's called me a few times because she needed to hear a friendly voice. It scares me that I run to her whenever I have the nightmares. In a way, Sara is always on my mind. Love or lust or something else . . . I haven't decided yet.
She thanks me politely in the morning before she disappears for two or three days. Our situation doesn't affect our performance at work. No one seems to suspect a thing.
She wakes up still looking shaken from the case that she worked last night. Sara runs her hands through my hair and a long my profile as she pulls me closer to her. Somehow when we collide, the world seems to be a little simpler.
FIN
