Disclaimer: Don't own Erik, sadly own the Sue, the "When life gets in your way" quote is from Luthien Noldor of Slytherin's profile.

Dedication: To the Clarineteer, who was the only person to review my fic "Phantasy and Reality". Thanx!

A/N: Happy 2007, everyone! My first upload of the year! R&R, the next chappie will be better... Written while I was high on old candy canes.


So Last Century: The Book in the Window

She tugged on the zipper of the pink designer skirt. Damn thing! It was stuck… It must be! There was something terribly wrong with this skirt!

A manicured shop assistant wandered by, looking vaguely concerned at the sounds of fierce exertion emitting from the dressing room. "Excuse me ma'am," she said in a helpful monotone. "You've been in there quite some time…"

Stupid woman… leave me alone! thought the panting young woman crossly. Her palms were damp with sweat, she panted from the strain, and… was a lock of her floaty angelic tresses drooping?

Occupied as she was, she never could have seen it coming. What the shop assistant said next chilled her to the very bone, made her experience real terror.

"Ma'am? Are you sure you wouldn't like to try a size two?"

OooOOo

Lizella Marcia Jasmine Susana Hazel Mansfield Rochester Truman Roseheart III pierced the night with a bloodcurdling shriek as she leapt out of her luxury water bed, landed on the plush carpet, and yanked open (well she would never be so undignified as to yank)… flung open the mahogany doors to her well-stocked, tasteful, and comfortingly size zero wardrobe.

Gradually, her breathing slowed to normal… she calmed herself by looking in the mirror at the vision of beauty that had so suddenly arisen from deepest slumber. Her shape was perfect down to the last toenail, her eyes were arresting (if almost unnaturally large), and her hair was not merely the plain blond that so many women wear…

No, her hair was a starlit fantasy of pale waves, the envy of every woman within miles.

She turned, surveying the luxury suite that was her domain. Two thoughts occurred to her. One was Man, I ought to put that king sized bed to more use… I just can't imagine why no one's keen to get in it… and the other was of the one thing she didn't have.

The Phantom of the Opera.

Well of course, she had bullied the film version out of her parents, but every girl with a brain had that.

She wanted the real thing. The genuine Phantom of the Opera. She could share the pain of a deprived childhood with him… If there was one thing she was good at, it was childhood angst.

That… and seducing people. It was just that she was too virtuous to lead that many men astray. Right?

So anyway… she could provide nurturing and love to the poor man… as long as he matched the outfits she had just bought.

The problem was, she didn't know how to get into The Phantom of the Opera. Word was, common Mary Sues were doing it all the time nowadays. If she didn't hurry, he would be miserably married to some other girl, and then where would she be?

Liz pouted as she got ready for battle in a revealing white top, a pink miniskirt (it fit perfectly), and a pair of shiny black high heels.

Well, she might as well start her quest.

A very wise person had once told her "When life gets in your way, be a girl and shove it down the stairs!"

That… or she had just seen it on someone's fanfic profile.

She wasn't exactly sure what it had to do with the situation, but it had a snappy ring to it.

Liz decided that the wisest course of action would be to wander through the city streets looking for a way into The Phantom of the Opera… as wise as wandering through the city streets on New Year's Day while wearing high heels could be.

OoooOOo

She had been wandering for about an hour without luck when she finally slammed into another person.

"Watch where you're going!" Liz shrieked. "You almost ruined my hair!"

The Clarineteer straightened up. She DID NOT like being slammed into... or having small objects thrown at her, but that's another story…

Clari narrowed her eyes while Liz stood there looking –insert one of 57 synonyms for beautiful here-.

"Hey…" Clari asked thoughtfully, "why are you wearing last year's shoes?"

Liz turned pale. "I… I haven't had time to buy new ones yet!" she stammered. Then, she turned and ran for it.

Clari shook her head. Running in five inch heels… definitely a Sue she thought, getting her friend Sword Pen on the line.

"I think there's another one coming your way. Be on lookout… you can't miss her." Before Penny could give a lecture about alcohol being the root of all evil, she hung up.

ooOOoOo

Meanwhile, Liz had stopped outside a bookstore. It wasn't as if she was out of breath (she was never out of breath) it was just… that the danger… had passed… for now…

Normally, she never would have looked in a bookstore window, but almost as if by magic, her eyes were drawn to a large, hardback volume labeled The Phantom of the Opera.

There's a BOOK now? she thought incredulously. She knew they had made a stage version out of the highly successful movie, but the idea of a book was something entirely new to her.

One thing was certain, she had been given a gift by divine providence… now what the hell was she supposed to do with it?