A Shaggy Dog Story...

A short piece of whimsy in the Family Guy fanon. Light relief after another 6,000 words of the masterwork, Slipping Between Worlds, which if printed would dwarf a typical James Clavell brick.

At home with the dysfunctional Griffin family.

Brian Griffin is a dog with a mission...

"Lois!" Peter Griffin demanded. He was a man with a terminally short fuse when it came to frustration.

"Where the freakin' hell is that freakin' dog? I mean, I gave it an instruction ages ago and he's freakin' well disappeared! A man demands respect and obedience from his freakin' dog, right?"

Lois Griffin sighed. She knew the signs.

"He had to go out for something, Peter. Look, if you're feeling cold, put your day shoes back on?"

"That's not the freakin' point, Lois! The point is that freakin' dog freakin' well disobeyed me! I am so going to kick his freakin' ass when he gets back!"

Lois sighed. More obedience classes for Brian, then. Who she had to admit was a unique dog...

The manager of the shoe-shop on Quahog Main Street blinked. He looked at his assistant.

"Debbie, there is a dog in the shop!" he said, un-necessarily. A large white dog with a red collar was standing on its hind legs, looking up at him through un-nervingly intelligent eyes.

"Debbie, get rid of this dog!" the manager demanded. Then the dog spoke.

"Yeah, there's a godamn dog in the store." it drawled, lazily. "And what's more, it's a dog with a freakin' credit card. Which makes it a customer, right?"

"Right... said the store manager, uncertainly.

"Yeah, right. And this dog's got a mission. Its so-called owner sent him to fetch slippers. And even if the so-called owner is a great fat lardass lazy f{BLEEP!}k with no brains, an owner gives a dog a command, that dog has to deliver. I've been to Obedience School, buddy. I know the contract."

(We might cutaway at this point to a scene in a formal office somewhere. On one side of the desk is Brian Griffin and his attorney. On the other side is Peter Griffin and his attorney. Brian's attorney is poring over a contract. He looks up.

"I'm afraid this is the best deal we're going to get, Brian. I advise you to sign."

"Is the clause still in there about being able to sniff Lois' crotch?" Brian asked.

It is, Mr Griffin."

"Give me a pen."

Brian signs, then hands the contract to Peter, who also signs.

"We've got us a deal."

They shake hands.)

Back in the shoe store, the manager looks at Brian's credit card. He nods.

"How can we serve you, mr Griffin?" he asked.

"Men's slippers, lard-ass takes a five. No, better make it a six. Any color. Can I have a receipt for my accountant? Thanks!"

Debbie, who is young and pretty, looks at Brian, amazed.

"Hey, Peter did tell me to fetch him slippers. You gotta obey." he said.

Then he looked up at Debbie, more appraisingly.

"I bet it gets kinda close in here, right? Can't be much fun for a girl, havin' to handle people's sweaty cheesey feet all day. Bet you get lots who ain't washed their feet or they're still wearin' yesterday's pantyhose, right?"

Debbie shuddered.

"Thought so. Hey, you doin' anything later? We could have lunch..."

I've not seen every episode of Family Guy, but to the best of my knowledge they haven't doin this gag, so it's fair game for fanfic, I think.

Right, back to the Discworld...