Summary: Edward looks back at his original plan to ignore Bella. Oneshot. Breaking Dawn spoilers.

You'll Never Know

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They say follow your heart
,
F
ollow it through,
But how can you
when
it's split in two?

And you'll never know...

"Face to Face"- Siouxsie and the Banshees

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Honestly, I had never meant to fall for her. It wasn't natural for my kind to befriend humans in such a manner. When I first smelt her blood I had almost lost control and slaughtered the whole class just so I could taste her. To this day I marvel that I managed to hold myself back.

After that first smell, I had made a vow to myself: I would avoid Bella Swan completely, and whenever I caught a trace of her delicious scent I would stop breathing so that I wouldn't be tempted. Bella doesn't know this, but those first few days of being without her were pure agony for me. The whole time I was struggling with myself, torn between my loyalty to my coven and family, yet some innate part of me was screaming that she was vital to my very existence. I was being pulled two separate ways but was stuck in some indecisive limbo.

It was Tyler's van that settled the matter for me. I risked my secret-- my family's secret and their well-being—in order to save her from being crushed under that van. No matter how much I later tried to rationalize my actions, I realized that I had done it solely because I loved Bella Swan. I, a monstrous vampire, loved an innocent human girl. I had been sickened by myself at first; there was no way I could ever have a relationship with her. The amount of self-control required for that would be astounding, and more likely than not I would just end up murdering her. But I couldn't stop myself loving her, and eventually I just gave in to my feelings, hoping I was doing the right thing.

Now, staring at my beautiful vampire wife cuddling Renesmee in her arms, I can't believe how foolish I had bed been back then. To think that I had tried to shut Bella out of my life! If my plan had succeeded...I shudder, thinking of how I would still be alone now, with neither Bella nor Nessie to carry me through my eternal existence. Bella does not know the extent to which I struggled against her or how much pain I was in those first few weeks.

But having Bella as my wife is certainly worth it. This, I make sure she knows.