Star Trek: Voyager

The Musical

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anybody here. I do not own Star Trek or South Park in any way, shape, or form. Well, I do have a uniform, two pairs of combadge earrings, a bag of Cheetos the word "Cheetos" replaced with the words "Cheesy Poofs" and a fish named Cartman. I really don't hate Canadians (just Anne Murray) and did kind of steal that song from South Park. But the Star Trek songs I wrote myself. Once again, I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING BESIDES THE SONGS!!! ALL PRAISE TPTBP!!! NO, DON'T GET THE CATTLE PROD OUT! I REMEMBERED THE WORDS! NO, NOT THE CATTLE PROD! And, yes, I do know this was posted out of season. Christmas in July, anybody? Rather A/U.

(We go to the bridge where HARRY KIM, TOM PARIS, TUVOK, and a couple of RANDOM RED/GOLD SHIRTED ENSIGNS are in their positions. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY are missing.)

HARRY KIM: Where's Mom-the Captain?

TOM PARIS: Come to think of it, where's Chakotay? (Snickers)

HARRY KIM: What's so funny, Tom? If you don't tell me, I'm telling Mo-the Captain!

TUVOK: Your thought patterns are illogical, Mr. Paris. The Captain would never do-

(He is interrupted by the breathless entrance of THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY. They are disheveled, and their rank pins are wrong{She has his and vice versa} They sit down.)
THE CAPTAIN-Sorry we're late, we had to finish some, um, ah,

CHAKOTAY- Performance Reviews! Yeah, that's it, Performance Reviews.

TOM PARIS- Yeah, right. (TOM PARIS begins to sing.)

I saw Janeway kissing her X.O.

Right outside the ready room last night.

It was graveyard shift on Deck One,

I popped in for some fun,

And lo and behold,

Something you won't see on our show.

I thought that it never end

It seemed to go on and on, that's right.

Now I know I shouldn't talk,
But it gave me quite a fright,

When I saw J and C making out last night!

CHAKOTAY: No, you didn't.

JANEWAY: Do shut up.

CHAKOTAY: (Pulls out phaser and fires. He misses TOM PARIS, who ducks, and hits the first RANDOM RED SHIRTED ENSIGN.) Oops.

HARRY KIM: Captain, sensors have detected a wormhole leading to the Alpha Quadrant!

THE CAPTAIN: (In a patronizing tone of voice) Good boy, Harry, where is it?

HARRY KIM: About half a light-year from here.

THE CAPTAIN: You're joking.

HARRY KIM: No, really! (HARRY KIM jumps up and begins to sing.)

Almost heaven,

Alpha Quadrant,

Neutral zone fights,

Klingons rage and rant.

Life's easy there, no Borg or Heirogen, no Kazon to rob us, no Vidiaans to take our skins. Mr. Wormhole,

TOM PARIS: (Spoken) Mr. Wormhole?

HARRY KIM: Take us home, to the place,

We belong.

Planet Earth,

Alpha Quadrant,

Take us home,

Wo-rmhole.

I hear at nights,

Subspace transmissions from heaven.

All the pictures on the walls

Remind me of

My home

Far away.

And flying Delta space,

I get a feeling that I should've never

Left at all.

Left at all.

Mr. Wormhole,

Take us home,

To the place,

We belong.

Planet Earth,

Alpha Quadrant,

Take us home,

Wo-rmhole.

Mr. Wormhole,

Take us home,

To the place,

We belong.

Planet Earth,

Alpha Quadrant,

Take us home,

Wo-rmhole.

(All of a sudden, a red light by HARRY KIM'S console blinks)

HARRY KIM- (mumbles)

THE CAPTAIN- What, Harry? What do you mean, It's a fake! Are our sensors screwed over again? Well, don't be an idiot, call Be'lanna!

HARRY KIM- (mumbles)

THE CAPTAIN- What do you mean, the comm system's down again? Alright, what did I tell you about those buttons!?! YOU DON'T PRESS THEM!! Bad Harry, bad Harry! Aw, crap! Continue on the regular course, Mr. Paris.

(HARRY KIM'S console explodes.) And take Harry to Sick Bay.

TOM PARIS- What's the point? He'll just keep dying again and again and again and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and aga-

CHAKOTAY: ENOUGH! Just take him to Sick Bay!

TOM PARIS: Alright, alright, already. (He picks up HARRY KIM and drags him off the bridge

Sick Bay. THE DOCTOR is at his desk. When TOM PARIS and HARY KIM enter, klaxons go off and music starts

THE DOCTOR: Unda, gleeten, glauben, globen.

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: (Lifts his head) Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

I swear it wasn't me, I do not know,

I can explain!

(Bridge)

TUVOK: Un, deaux, trois, quatre, cinque, cinque, seix!

CHAKOTAY: You know it's kind of hard to live on Voyager today,

We're falling apart and home is seven years away.

Now what could make it worse,

What could make our lives more hell?

Well, he's smarter than leola, but still dumber than Chell!

(Spoken) What the hell am I doing? Oh, that's right. Sorry, Mr. Teleprompter Man! I know my stupid lines aren't your fault. They're the fault of some fourteen-year-old kid on a caffeine high at two in the morning! Hey, don't hit me with that! Hey!

(Sick Bay)

TOM PARIS: We're all gonna die,

Have you seen this guy?

He's the Captain's pet,

And he still can't get it right.

Giving Seven heck,

In astrometrics,

He's there all day,

He's there all day,

And he just won't die,

Yeah, just comes back to life,

Even though we've tried,

He will never say good bye.

But the ship needs idiots,

So, hey, say hi to Harry Kim!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

I swear it wasn't me, I do not know,

I can explain!

(Engineering)

BE'LANNA TORRES: Now he needs to find a girlfriend,

Not just any will suffice,

He's looking for a vampire,

Or a Borg whose heart is ice.

He never will find one,

Who likes him as he is,

But like he said about the dead chick,

It's none of my biz!

(Tri-scene)

CHAKOTAY, TOM PARIS, and BE'LANNA TORRES: We're all gonna die,

Have you seen this guy?

He's the Captain's pet,

And he still can't get it right.

Giving Seven heck,

In astrometrics,

He's there all day,

He's there all day,

And he just won't die,

Yeah, just comes back to life,

Even though we've tried,

He will never say good bye.

But the ship needs idiots,

So, hey, say hi to Harry Kim!

(Space)

Q and Q2(Q2 is optional): When he's working on the bridge,

Now that you should see,

Nine times out of ten he's on

Exploding console duty.

When they rush him down to Sickbay,

And the Doctor says he's dead,

They just give him 'bout one second 'till he starts to lift his head.

Q: (SPOKEN) Hey, why am I singing? I don't sing!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

I swear it wasn't me, I do not know,

I can explain!

ALL PREVIOUS SINGERS MINUS HARRY KIM: He's not doin' well,

The ship is goin' to hell,

Red-shirt ensign,

Harry, does that ring a bell.

He really should die,

He isn't a useful guy,

Just shoot him now,

Just shoot him now.

He tries to call the shots,

We really hate him lots,

He's a little p'taq,

And on top of that a snot.

But the ship needs idiots,

Yeah, Voyager loves an idiot,

So let's get our little idiot,

And hey, say hi to Harry Kim!

THE DOCTOR: (Emerges from office) Now that that's over with, please let me revive Harry. (Goes over to table, where HARRY KIM is laying) Exploding console?

TOM PARIS: (Nods.)

THE DOCTOR: (Gives HARRY KIM a HYPOSPRAY. HARRY KIM wakes up.)