A wise human once said, "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."
He was absolutely right, though it would have been better worded (in this case) as: "A psychotic alien with a Napolean complex trips over a gallon of orange juice, and somehow he and the borderline schizophrenic kid who he thought was his mortal enemy get together because of it."
But let's not get ahead of ourselves.
…~…
"AAAAAAAAGHHH!"
Zim lay on the floor where he had fallen, clutching his foot in agony. "STUPID, STINKING, SMELLY, ORANGE, HUMAN BEEEEVVVEERAAAGEEEE! CURSE YOU! CURSE YOUUUUUUUUU! "
"WHEEE!" Gir shrieked. "WE'RE SCREAMING!"
"GIR!" Zim sat up and held up the cursed object. "What was THIS doing in the middle of the floor?"
Gir looked around the kitchen, as if searching for the answer to the question. "Erm…I dunnnnooooooo…"
"Gir! Answer!"
The robot suddenly perked up. "Ooops! Sorry, master, I gotta go. My show's on!" It zipped out of the kitchen, leaving Zim with the juice.
Zim growled something in Irken, then walked over to the refrigerator. He flung open the door. The sight of three hundred or so packets of bacon greeted him. He repeated the Irken phrase, this time at a considerably higher volume than before, and began trying to fit the juice in amidst the meat. As he did so, he tried to remember what it was he had been thinking about before encountering the evil orange spawn of doom. His plan, of course. But what was it? It had been a great plan, he knew. A well thought-out, thoroughly evil plan. It had been amazing, completely foolproof.
And he couldn't for the life of him remember what the hell it was.
He suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to bang his head against the wall. So he did. It didn't help.
"GIIIIIRRR!"
Zim shoved the juice in the refrigerator, slammed the door shut immediately after, and marched into the living room. "Gir!"
Gir looked up. "Hi, master!"
"Do you know what you have DONE?"
"Noooo…"
"You, by leaving that smelly orange liquid-drink for me to trip over, have made me COMPLETELY
FORGET MY PLAN!"
"YAY!" Gir cheered.
"No, Gir. That's bad. And I am EXTREMLY VERY NOT HAPPY WITH YOU!" Zim glared at the little robot, hands on his hips. Gir gazed at him innocently.
"Want some taquitos?" he finally asked, holding out the tray.
"NO!" Zim knocked the tray to the floor. "I want my plan! I need my plan! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH WITHOUT A PLAN?"
Gir's eyes filled with tears. "Mah…mah taquitos…" he whispered, looking sadly at his fallen snacks.
"GIR!" Zim yelled, then, "…Gir?"
Gir suddenly began to cry. "MAH TAQUITOS!" He threw himself to the floor.
Zim made an irritated sound. "All right, all right!" He knelt to the floor and picked up the taquitos, putting them back on the plate. He tapped Gir's head impatiently. "There, it's fixed."
Gir stopped crying, looked at the plate of taquitos, and flung his arms around Zim's neck.
"Aaaghh!" Zim tried desperately to extricate himself from the robot's hug, but failed miserably. Gir finally let go.
"Will you watch the movie with meeee?" Gir asked sweetly.
"No, Gir, I have to go down the lab and think of a new PLAN."
Gir began wailing again. Zim let out an exasperated sigh. "Look, Gir, I can't just –"
"WAAAHHH!"
He tried again. "I can't –"
"WAAAHHH!"
"I have to –"
"WAAAHHH!"
"I –"
"WAAAHHH!"
"FINE!"
"YAY!"
Gir jumped up onto the couch and patted the seat next to him. Zim sat. "Taquitos?" Gir asked, offering him the plate once more. Zim started to refuse, then thought better of it, and took one. He looked it over. It had dust on it from the floor. Gir gazed at him expectantly. After a brief hesitation, he popped it into his mouth. Chewed. Swallowed.
"You liiiiiiiike it?" Gir inquired.
"It's okay–"
"HAVE SOME MORE!" He upended the entire plate on Zim's head.
Zim was about to threaten Gir with certain death, or the robot equivalent, when something on the TV caught his eye. Happy music was playing in the background, but what the two humans were doing to each other onscreen definitely did not warrant happy music.
"They're…they're EATING each other!"
"Awww," Gir cooed. "They're kissing."
"She's eating his face off!"
"Kissing!"
"Why isn't he running away? Why isn't he struggling? Run, man! Run before she DEVOURS YOU!"
The humans on screen pulled away from each other. "Oh, Edward! I love you so much!" the woman exclaimed.
"And I love you, Bella," the man, presumably Edward, answered.
"Love?" Zim wondered. "What is 'love'?"
"Baby, don't hurt me! Don't hurt me! No more!" Gir sang out.
"Gir! What is this 'love' of which they speak?"
"It's when you like someone a WHOLE lot, and you hugs 'em and kisses 'em and gives 'em flowers and wants to be with 'em forever and ever."
Zim stared at him. "That sounds…stupid."
"I will do whatever you say!"
He whirled around. "What's this?"
The woman on screen continued, "I will follow you to the end of the earth! I will kill all of your enemies! I will construct any and all sandwiches you can imagine! As long as you promise to love me as much as I love you, I will be your slave for eternity!"
"Um…ok. I promise."
"OH, EDWARD!" They began kissing once more.
"That's…ingenious," Zim whispered. "It's brilliant! AMAZING!"
"BACON!" Gir cheered.
"I have a NEW plan!" Zim announced, springing off the couch. "I will kiss the humans and make them fall in LOVE with me, thus making them my SLAVES! Oh, it's just BRILLIANT! WONDERFUL!"
"What the HELL are you doing, BITCH?"
"Heh?" Zim said, turning.
A man had walked onscreen. He did not look happy. "Edward? What's going on here? Who is this?"
"Um…this is Bella," Edward answered, looking uncomfortable.
"Why is she kissing you?"
"Um…well…you see…I…"
"Edward?" Bella asked. "What's going on? What's Jacob talking about?"
"Um…I…uh…"
"I can't BELIEVE it!" Jacob screamed. "You're CHEATING on me!"
"Look, Jacob, this isn't what it looks like…"
"Wait, you and…Jacob?" Bella inquired. "You were cheating on me with JACOB?"
"Well –"
"You BASTARD!"
"Look, I –"
"I thought we HAD something!"
"We do! I –"
"I thought you LOVED me!"
"I do! I love –" he looked around nervously, "both of you…"
"Oh, bullshit!" Jacob sneered.
"Let's kill him, Jacob!" Bella declared, pulling a hatchet out of her pants.
"Let's!" Jacob answered, pulling a chainsaw out of his own.
Zim winced at the carnage that followed.
Gir clapped. "Yaaaay! Violence!" He shoved several taquitos into his mouth.
"Damn," Zim hissed. "I knew an amazing plan like this was too good not to have a catch. So I'll have to pick just one human to be my slave… or I'll end up like him." The him in question was now cut up into bloody chunks, which Bella and Jacob were blithely tossing into a nearby sewer.
"But who should I choose?" he mused, pacing the floor. "I'll have to choose wisely…" He paused, thinking. "It's too bad I got rid of Keef. He would have been a perfect candidate for this."
"What about Dib?" Gir inquired.
"What about Dib?"
"For your plan!"
"What?" Zim sputtered. "Are you INSANE? … don't answer that question."
"He seems nice."
"Nice? Dib? Think, Gir! Think with your brains!"
"But I don't have any," Gir replied.
"Well, then think with whatever you have in place of brains!"
"This taco?" the robot answered, pulling a taco from his head.
"Yes," Zim answered after a pause. "Think with…that taco."
"Hmmm..." Gir tapped his chin thoughtfully. "I still think Dib's a good choice." He took a bite out of his taco.
"The Dib," Zim muttered. "The DIB! Why on Irk would I choose my arch-nemesis as my love-pig? That doesn't make any –" He stopped suddenly, staring into space. "No, wait!" he continued. "It DOES make sense! It makes BRILLIANT sense! Gir, you're a genius!"
"Yay!"
"I will make Dib my romance-slave, and in doing so, earn a valuable minion and eliminate my greatest threat! HA! YES! IT'S AMAZING! I must inform the Tallest of my incredible PLAN!"
Zim hopped into the trashcan and slid down the tube to his base. "COMPUTER!" he screeched.
"Yeah, yeah, what do you want?" the computer replied.
"Open a line of communication from me to the Tallest. AND QUICKLY!"
"Mm, okay," it answered. There was a low hum, then, "Sorry, can't do it."
"WHY NOT?" Zim demanded.
"The Tallest aren't responding. Guess they're busy."
"Busy? With what?"
The computer emitted a heavy sigh. "How should I know 'with what'? They just are."
"Damn! Well, I suppose there'll be time to tell them later. GIR!"
Gir jumped off Zim's head and stood at attention. "Yes, master!" His eyes glowed red.
"I will need to learn more about this…love thing before carrying out my plan, so I want you to gather informative broadcasts for me to study."
Gir's eyes turned blue again. "Romance movies!"
Zim waved at him dismissively. "Yes, yes, very well. We will watch…romance movies."
"Yaaay!"
"Now, bring back as many as you can find. And hurry, GIR! THERE IS MUCH WORK TO BE DONE!"
Gir screamed with pure joy.
...~...
"ENOUGH!"
Zim hit the pause button on the remote. "I am done watching this. Two days is plenty."
"Aww…." Gir gestured to the piles and piles of DVDs by the door. "But we still have 3,979,502 left!"
"You can watch them, Gir. I'm finished."
"Yay!"
Zim got up from the couch. "I am leaving now, Gir."
Gir glanced at the clock. "But, it's –"
"SILENCE! You will watch the base while I'm gone. Don't let anyone in. Do you understand?"
"Okeedokee!"
"Good." He opened to door. "I'll be back."
Gir giggled manically.
He shut the door.
...~...
There should be a law against running a 'Mysterious Mysteries' marathon this late, Dib thought.
"Can't…watch…anymore," he moaned, sprawled across the couch, eyes slowly closing. "Too…tired…cannot…keep…eyes…open!"
"Shut up!" Gaz snapped, frantically pushing buttons on her game console.
Dib opened his left eye. "Oouuuchh," he continued. "My brain…so weary…from…television –ow!" He rubbed his shin.
"I said shut up," Gaz repeated.
"Dad!" Dib yelled. "She kicked me!"
"Be nice to your brother, Gaz," Professor Membrane replied, not looking up from his work.
"Whatever," Gaz mumbled.
The doorbell rang.
"Someone get the door," Membrane called.
Dib nudged Gaz. "You do it."
Gaz turned away. The doorbell rang again. "Somebody!" the professor repeated. Dib sighed, got up, and opened the door.
And came face to face with Zim.
"ZIM!"
"I am Zim!" Zim confirmed.
"What do you want?" Dib snarled.
"I have an announcement!"
Dib sighed. "Look, Zim, it's 1:00 AM –"
"I LOVE YOU!"
"That's great, Zim, I really don't –wait, what?"
"I love you," he repeated. He suddenly produced a bouquet of flowers from behind his back, offered them to Dib, and knelt. "And I always have."
Dib stared at him. "Is this one of those 'Candid Camera' things?" He looked around. "Are you recording this?"
"There are no cameras, Dib!" Zim leapt to his feet, grabbing Dib by the collar and pulling his face close, until they were mere inches apart. "There's just…us."
Dib began to feel lightheaded. "Um," he managed to say, "I think –"
"SILENCE!" Zim laid a finger across Dib's lips. "I am sick of your voice."
And with that, he threw his arms around Dib's neck and kissed him.
