Living For You
If I had ever imagined that I would be living my life fully out as I was because of a request made to me by him of the people in the world…I would have once laughed insanely at you. It still wasn't sunk in that he was gone; that he was dead, and that I survived past him.
That everything I once knew had shifted; morphed from thing to another in a matter of months. That I had come to adore him; to love him, and now that love was causing me to crumble inside because he wasn't there beside of me any longer. Like some part of me had vanished and hadn't been found.
Verdant emerald eyes sparkled now in sadness as tears formed and he tried not to allow his emotions to show through.
I had fought my whole life against him practically; fought against him, his ideal and his goals for what I perceived as his insanity, darkness and corruption. I fought and bled to preserve what I believed was the right thing.
Now, I am not so sure that I did what I should have.
Everything changed for me after he took me captive. I was taken captive, but I wasn't imprisoned as I had expected. Nor was I tortured or harmed in any fashion; just left alone until he came to speak to me the first time.
When I spent those months in his home; protected, yet isolated from the world. He spoke to me of his views; more in-depth than I had ever been told of before or had bothered to try and learn on my own. Ones that both were surprisingly similar to mine with several large and obvious differences.
He came to respect me and I him; each to the other for our own power as wizards. A thing neither of us ever thought to be possible. That respect then turned into a familiarity we grew comfortable with and allowed us to co-exist without butting heads so often.
Then, he had somehow returned himself to a more human body and I remembered clearly of the first time I saw him as himself. I was twelve and he would have been sixteen; but, he was also not wholly real as a memory.
I had always known that I preferred the company of my own gender; it hadn't ever bothered me, nor had it worried me. My relatives never found out and the magical world was far more accepting of that than the muggle world was.
But even so, at twelve; I was still naïve to relationships. I was starstruck by the older teenaged version of him. When I learned who he had become; I forced myself to act and do as I needed to do. I pushed the thoughts away for years, and then he went and did something that allowed the memories creep back in.
I smiled sadly as tears poured down my face.
I recalled so easily and vividly that he noticed soon enough that I was acting oddly while around him. Oddly, and in ways I hadn't before. Ways that had confused him for a little while before he clued in.
He noticed that I fidgeted as if awkward or uncomfortable whenever he was near, or that I flushed brightly whenever he smirked in his way at me. It wasn't too long after that; that he knew what was bothering me, and decided he wanted to tease the ever-loving hell out of me because of it.
And somehow, in between all of the teasing and all of the torment he gave; we both fell for the other. I came to see his darkness as necessary for change, and he respected my desire to retain some of the light he felt inside of me that had drawn him in.
Wracking sobs choked out of me as I knelt to the ground now before a blank and unmarked grave; nothing on it to tell who was buried there if you hadn't already known. My eyes distant and too full of memories to voice any words. Words that were never needed to be spoken aloud. For I knew that he would have already known; our connection to the other just that strong regardless of what others believed of it.
Hot breath ghosting my neck as our bodies pressed against the other; the warmth and safety of being there with him wasn't something I was used to feeling with anyone else. I had never allowed anyone this close to me as I had to him.
'Please' I had begged of him
I felt him pause to my plea; then I could feel the smirk of his lips against my torso as I squirmed underneath his arms and he chuckled low. Sending shivers through me and reminding me of why I could never have forgotten or replaced him with another.
I sobbed as I knelt there before this grave; he had done many horrible things and I wasn't ashamed that I could freely admit it. He even had murdered my parents and many other people, but I couldn't; I could never forget that he saved me and my soul when I felt as I was drowning.
Blood ruby eyes looked to my emerald ones with tenderness he showed no one else; his lips quirked into a smile as dark hair fell before his face and I moved my hand to shift it aside.
"My soul." He whispered, "You have been and always will be my soul, Harry James Potter. No matter what happens in the days to come; you will always be mine and you will always be the keeper of my soul."
I eyed him and smiled now, "I kept your soul for years as a child without knowing I did so. I kept it safe through my school years when everyone knew I was different. I keep it now and for forever if you allow it, Marvolo."
Marvolo. The name he allowed me and no one else to ever use. Too much of a reminder of what his younger life had brought to him in pain and suffering. He freely admitted that when I used the name; he felt different about it and was why he allowed me to use it.
The memories were the hardest part of all this; some days I felt like a shadow of myself. But I pulled myself through. For him, I would now say I would do anything.
I had betrayed those I once cared for; they in turn betrayed me. Unwilling to listen and thought to detain me; I fought back and proved too strong to be held. But my fight also brought danger to him. He hadn't reacted well when he felt my suffering; he came to me.
The battlefield was smoking. The ground was charred black as flames were weakly flittering in places and the stench of death became prominent. I was wounded; badly. Bleeding and barely conscious; stifling a cry of immense agony while blood was tasted on the tongue.
"Marvolo…" I called weakly
I felt the rush of magic; I knew he had come. I never doubted he would; he had never broken his word to me. Not when it had mattered the most.
"Harry." He knelt down and pulled me close, "Let's get you out of here. I'm not letting you do something like this ever again. You foolish Gryffindor; you should have known better."
I laughed weakly as I coughed blood and he eyed me in concern, "I suppose I should have."
Then I tensed and Marvolo did too; we knew we weren't alone.
And we hadn't been. Albus and several others had snuck up on us and Marvolo refused to let them take me back with them. All of them had been surprised to see him as young man; with hair, a nose and emotions. They hadn't thought anything could change him, but I had done what no one else bothered to do.
I had bothered to care. I had bothered to allow myself to forgive. I had bothered to let him in; slowly and surely, and for this…Marvolo had accepted it and let me inside. To see beyond what was there.
I had watched in pain as he fought them all on his own; red eyes blazing with fury to their attack on us and his dark magic only serving to prove his point that he would do whatever he had to; to protect me and his goals.
I had been too injured and too weak to help; though I refused to let Marvolo do this on his own. I tried to stand and to fight, but he forced me to stay put and continually kept us moving inch by inch backwards and to safety.
Safety meant for me only; I realized far too late. Marvolo got me out of there at the cost of his life. I screamed in outrage and heartbreak as I was transported away by the port-key he had somehow slipped me and watched them destroy him. His red eyes glanced to mine sadly with acceptance of the fate that awaited; I felt his contentment that I was safe and would live.
His devotion to me was clear as day to all there who witnessed it; some not believing the genuine emotions for what they were.
'Live well my soul. Live the life you and I deserved, but never had the chance to experience. Live long and live for me. Please my soul, live for me' He had communed to me as his last thoughts while I sunk to the ground as I landed where the port-key had dropped me and tears poured out of my eyes.
I had knelt in the foyer of the mansion that had been our home by that point. I cried out in rage and emotional turmoil as my magic exploded around me and left the place in near ruins. I was and had been his only soul-container that was left by then, but Marvolo; he had decided he wanted to remove it prior to the battle.
He had made himself vulnerable to death; no longer so opposed and afraid to die because he could no longer stand the thought of spending his immortal eternity without me there beside of him.
Just as I had done and decided with him.
He willingly sacrificed his immortality for me; and I kept the smallest sliver of his soul with me until he wanted to take it back. He called me his soul still; even as they dragged him away and I heard his last words in my mind.
I still felt like I was his soul's keeper. For I was the only one who bothered any longer to remember he had been a person that existed. That he had been the one to bring about the changes our world now experienced because of what he had done.
His followers knew of his existence still of course; but they ignored the fact they had served, and when I eyed them all in fury...they shuddered and turned away. They didn't understand my emotional side to this and were wanting redemption. New lives that they could rebuild with and new power they could grow and begin to use again. Those who had served like Bellatrix had; she and all of them like her had died in the final battle.
I had been spared; Marvolo had protected me. The Light side couldn't find me now; not unless I let them, and those occasions were few and far between. Now, as the rain began to pour down around me, and my body was emotionally numb…I smiled somewhat and eyed the grave with both sadness and remembrance of happier times.
"Marvolo…I miss you." I told him softly, "I know you wanted me to live for you, but this is harder than anything else I have ever done. I can still feel you here in everything around me; no matter where I am.
The mansion and all the things it remind me of you and I."
I smiled softly as tears came again, "The lake we shared that picnic at despite how odd I thought you were acting then, and later how I let you teach me to dance there amid the soft ripples of water and breezes.
The forest reminds me of our long walks and conversations after I first was taken. When you wanted to show me the truths of the wizard world. It reminds me of when you formally introduced me to Nagini, and of how you had to quickly react to keep her from trying to eat me."
Harry scowled lightly, "I still can't believe you once promised to let her eat me after you'd killed me, Marvolo."
I shook the thoughts away, "They remind me of the times she teased us mercilessly and shared her jokes with us in a way only we could have done with her. Of how she told us not to be sad for death after you removed your soul-fragment from her, and then you told me of what Nagini was and of her history. How you met her and why she decided to go with you."
His hand touched the stone marker as his hurt was clear, "I just want you here with me, Marvolo. You gave up so much for me; too much if I am to be completely honest. All to protect me because you came to love me.
I sometimes feel I caused this. I know you will scowl at me for that, but others always used to tell me that I seemed to love to court danger. I would scowl and tell them that I didn't go looking for it; that danger just seemed to find me.
However, I was too injured to help you that night, and you and I both knew it."
His green gaze softened, "I will always love you, Marvolo. I will continue to live as you wanted me to. Fighting forward as I have always done."
Harry stilled suddenly as he felt magic surround him as a familiar warmth seemed to encase his body. As if those arms still were there and wrapped about his body.
You are and will always be my soul, Harry James Potter. So long as you exist in this world; so too do I.
His eyes widened, "Marvolo?" he questioned
Never forget to live, my soul. I am with you always.
Harry then closed his eyes as he tried not to crumble before the gravestone. Marvolo had always been the stronger of the two of them. The pillar Harry had needed to get through his days, but had denied needing for too long; and now he wasn't there, and Harry had to learn to stand on his own again.
He hadn't let the Light side come and take him back; nor to try and mold him against his wishes. Not that they wanted to either; they all were still reeling and angry for his betrayal. For falling in love with a man who had done much harm to the world.
Not understanding that they had caused just as much hurt to Harry over the years from actions he didn't like to think of.
"I will never forget." He whispered, "My soul was and still will always be yours. My body was yours, and now my very life continues to exist solely because you demanded it of me. If I had my way; I would have followed you to death."
He smiled now, "There is only ever going to be one person who will know me like you have. And that person is you; I can't bear taking another, not after this. The world cannot expect me to do as they want me to; I refuse to let them."
"I am living for you, Marvolo." He told him, "I will continue as you would have; they can burn for all I care."
His magic surged with pain and rage as the warmth then suppressed it and Harry cried out as if he had lost something very important.
No. My soul, please don't do this like this; even for me. Live your life for both of us instead and do all you can to be happy. Raise our daughter to be strong and as beautiful inside as you are. I learned so much from you; things I never thought mattered before, and I can't bear to see you like this.
I would come back to you instantly if I could; you know that. But I chose to become mortal again; I chose to make myself vulnerable in order to protect you and I do not ever regret that because you and our only child are alive.
Harry nodded, "I know; my emotions are all over the place these days. It's just hard; I didn't expect to rear her on my own nor for her to not have her other father. How are you speaking to me, anyhow?"
His voice rumbled in mirth as he knew Harry was confused
"We were bound; we still are and always will be, my soul. My remains are buried here, and they have strong magic because of who I was in life. In places of such magic; like here or in the mansion, you will be able to come and speak to me.
As will our child when the timing is right.
Our bond goes beyond time and space. Beyond fate and destiny. Beyond Life or Death. We are eternal to the other and will always find our way back to each other eventually."
Harry nodded to that; he should have known and remembered. He and Marvolo had always felt that their bond was more than it had appeared to be. They had had many discussions over it; sometimes arguing topics so long that they ran out of ideas to retort with.
Harry then saddened, "I need to leave Britain for some time. I need time to heal and with the way the wizard world is acting; I cannot remain and stay calm. Nor do I feel safe to stay once they learn I am pregnant.
Made worse by the fact that I am now six months in; so, there is only one logical conclusion as to who the other father is. I was still considered as kidnapped then.
I promise to return home when I feel I can, and you know that I will always remember you. I will remember to live for you and to stay for our daughter; even if I am not here where your spirit is strongest."
"I know my soul; I would never deny you the right to heal. Ironic; considering how I acted before we fell for the other, but I know you and I am aware that you will do what you feel you must. Just…be careful and don't return to me too soon.
There is only one thing that I regret Harry; I regret not being able to be there now for you and to support you. I regret that I will never be able to physically hold our child, to teach her and to play with her. That my death has deprived her of one of her parents; something we both know the pains of.
I regret not being able to see you growing through this time. To be able to place my hands to your stomach and to feel her growing inside of you."
Harry's eyes sparkled as he stood slowly while his knees trembled. He turned to walk away in silence. He paused at the edges of the forest while a hand rubbed a swollen stomach gently; green eyes reflecting vibrantly against the lush spring scenery and tree cover as his eyes shined, "Goodbye Marvolo." He whispered
No answer was returned as Harry walked away, but he felt a lightness that hadn't been there for days and knew that Marvolo knew what he intended.
Living for him as they never had the chance to do together; finding healing and peace for one soul who had been left bereft of his other half.
