Author's Note:

This is my first attempt at writing a fanfiction, figured I'd write about my favorite character in all of fiction, SANJI. Sanji always came across to me as someone who never says how he really feels, at least to the guys on the crew, and wanted to make this a character study on how I think he really does feel, framed around the Whole Cake Island arc with Sanji thinking back to the crew he's sacrificing himself for.

He could still hardly believe he was here, still wanted to believe this was a nightmare. But here, facing Judge Vinsmoke, his Not Father, he had to admit it was real. Judge asked him how he had beaten Yonji, and Sanji said, "I guess I'm just stronger than him!" He wanted to add without your damn science, I'm stronger than one of your precious successes. Me, the worthless little failure. He wanted to gloat how his Father's training had surpassed his Not Father's science. But he held his tongue, because a small part of him was scared, like he was a little kid again and he had to hold his tongue to avoid punishment from his brothers' brutal fists. Even though he was stronger now. Even though he could beat Yonji. He was still crippled by his childish fear. He was pathetic. Come to think of it, Sanji had never really broken the habit of holding his tongue, he just replaced the words he couldn't say with ones he could. He did it with the shitty geezer, Patty and Carne and all the other bastard cooks, and even his nakama. Replaced words of care and compassion with anger and sarcasm and kicks.

He did it with Luffy a lot. He glared at Luffy and told him to eat his damn vegetables, because Sanji cooked them and put them on his damn plate and you'd better eat every bite of anything he puts on your shitty plate you damn ungrateful rubber, and planted his foot on his face, when he really wants to say If all you ever eat is meat you're just gonna get weaker and weaker because you're not eating right, and if you get hurt in that state it's my fault because I'm your damn cook.

He did it with Marimo, too. "If you don't rest your shitty recocering body you're never gonna get better, and I don't wanna kick your ass when you're not at 100%, it'd be fucking embarassing." he says.

You need to rest because if you don't you're gonna fucking die and never become the World's Greatest Swordsman. I can't accept that. he wants to say.

He even did it to dear Nami-san. All ridiculousness and swooning, never allowing Nami-san to realize how serious he really was. That she truly was a goddess and he'd do anything for her, wouldn't hesitate to give his life. He didn't even exactly know what he wanted to say to her. He would never be able to find words adequate to describe his love for her.

He was rude to all the guys, he knew he was too harsh. Couldn't even say to Usopp that he'd give his life for him, too, not just Nami-san. Saying mean shit about being willing to sacrifice Usopp for Nami-san. He didn't even know why he said that one.

He just hoped his actions said the words he couldn't speak. That the crew didn't think he was just an asshole. Maybe if they did that would've made what he was doing right now easier, but he knew they didn't. Knew they all saw through his act. He was a shitty liar, certainly no Usopp, and his crew knew him too well to not see through all his anger and sarcasm. That's why he was still uneasy. He'd have to be as dense as Marimo to think his crew wasn't coming for him. He hoped Zoro would be able to convince Luffy the threat of Kaidou was more important, make him understand he can't challenge another Yonko right now. Had faith that Zoro would try. But the best he'd get is maybe splitting the crew up, SOMEONE was coming to get Sanji, he knew it. He just had to figure out what to say to make them leave.