Bartessa

By Mark Kochan 16/4/2009 (Chapters One and Two)

It was a somewhat windy fall morning in Springfield. Already the trees had changed from green to a yellow-brown color, and the leaves had begun to fall and make a thin carpet upon the ground. Recent rain had dampened the ground and as it was still overcast the ground was still wet. The moist leaves clung to the shoes of a girl of the age of sixteen who was standing, shivering a little from the cold wind, beside a removal van. The girl wore black clothes and had a impatient expression upon her face. She checked a silver watch on her left wrist, which stated that the time was 8:35. She remembered the events of that morning, as she daydreamed whilst the delivery men carried furniture and other items into a normal suburban two storey house of brick, of the long drive in the car parked nearby with her father.

They had started early in the morning, around 3 am, and had arrived at Springfield a few minutes earlier. As the delivery men returned to get some more things, the girl, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz by name, thought of what her father had said about the decision to move from their old home town of Danville. She clearly recalled him saying how she needed a change of surroundings, a fresh start, and how he had been nervous and restless- blaming himself for Vanessa becoming cynical and nonconformist. He had for some time been having regular meetings with his former wife, and after a while they had begun to fall in love once more. They pushed aside all the little things that had distanced them, and Doofenshmirtz promised if she would come back to him and move to a new town and give Vanessa a fresh start he'd give up his business and get a simple clerical job at a regular office and devote his time to his daughter. Doubts had been raised about whether she wasn't beyond help, whether she wasn't already too old and too set in her gothic lifestyle, but eventually they had agreed that the best thing for her was to be normal and move to a normal town with normal parents. Vanessa remembered bitterly how he had said her friends were strange and how, in his evil villainy, he had forgotten the importance of normalcy. And yet, Vanessa thoght it just didn't add up. She was sixteen, sixteen- far too old to have a 'fresh start'. And her father had never shown any bitterness or even mild resentment to her gothic habits, indeed he seemed quite blissfully unaware of her social life, rather he would treat her as an assistant with his various schemes when they were together, and would often neglect to ask her about her everyday life. It was for these reasons and more that Vanessa suspected some alterior motive at play. And it had only been during the last few hours that she had been aware of just what that motive was.

During the trip from Danville her father had turned on the radio, and at the first words of the broadcast he had gone pale and shivered slightly, as if affected by some deep guilt. The news speaker has announced that a heroic secret agent had died in a battle with an evil villain and that the villain had fled the scene. Forensics experts believe that the death may have actually been an accident but that the villain had fled due to fear of the law. It then became obvious to Vanessa that her father was that evil villain and that the whole excuse of giving her a fresh start was all an act put on by her father, who had probably got some sympathy from his former wife, who, as Vanessa knew all too well, didn't believe for a second that Heinz was evil to any extent and would believe him when he came up with the excuse of giving Vanessa a fresh beginning, for she thought Vanessa was insane in her beliefs her father was evil. And so, after thinking for a few more moments about her fathers nemesis Perry the platypus, and whether or not her father would turn again to villainy in Danville or rather keep up this act of a fresh start in life doing good and leading a normal suburban life, Vanessa went inside the house, as the removalists stepped into their van and drove off. The damp autumn conditions had stuck a leaf to her right boot, and, carefully peeling it off on the doormat, she threw it onto the lawn. For a moment she thought she saw someone looking at her, but then she thought she must be mistaken. Could it be Perry? No, surely not... He surely did die in the battle. And yet she could have swore she saw two eyes staring at her from behind a bush.

Charlene and Heinz stood in their new living room, admiring the neatness and cleanliness of it all. Vanessa stood behind them in the hallway, and thought she had completely escaped her parents attention until her mother and father turned round, and her mother beckoned her to come into the living room by a motion of her hand.

"Don't you like your new home, Vanessa dear?" she said in a cautious voice.

"It's... nice. Very... normal" replied Vanessa with a tone of indifference thinly veiled by attempted interest.

"You'll have a new school of course" said Vanessa's mother, pulling a brochure from her pocket and handing it to her daughter.

Vanessa looked at the brochure. On the cover was a high school, regular looking, three storeys, of reddish brown brick. The words 'Springfield High' were written in black on the pale blue background of the sky. She opened the brochure and saw pictures of the Principal, teachers, classrooms, science lab equipment, the sports field and gym, and pretty much every nook and cranny worth photographing in the building and without in the grounds.

"Seems pretty nice" she said, in an attempt to sound interested and happy.

"Of course" said her mother, looking now almost frightened, "you'll meet new friends... I hope?"

"I'm sure in a town of this size there's got to be some people like me" replied Vanessa honestly. After all, the goth subculture wasn't exactly rare these days.

Vanessa's parents continued looking around the house and then entered the backyard. It was mostly lawn with two small flower beds, filled with azaleas and other ornamental plants. Then, after going back to the front of the house by way of the driveway, they came to where Heinz's car was parked, a normal mid range sedan of white. Vanessa had to admit her father had pulled all the stops in his plan to start afresh in a normal way. Then they went back inside and Vanessa went up to her room and started unpacking her things. It was now just past 9 am and the overcast conditions had got a little brighter, although the ground was still damp. It being a Saturday, Vanessa wasn't at all surprised whilst unpacking some gothic candlestick decorations to hear the sound of children laughing and playing outside in the street. That morning when they had drove up the street Vanessa had seen the sign which read 'Evergreen Terrace'. It was all so normal. She placed the candlesticks on either side of a photo frame which depicted in photographic form a boy she had liked in Danville. Vanessa flashed back to their parting, which had been painful for both, but they agreed to keep in touch, and Vanessa felt in her pocket a slip of paper with his phone number written on it. She smiled, but only momentarily, as she heard her father calling for her to come downstairs.

"What is it dad?" asked Vanessa.

"We're going to meet the neighbours. If we're to make a fresh start living good, normal lives, we must be polite to our neighbours"

Vanessa noted her father and mother were wearing regular clothes, and that her father had combed his hair flat so as to look more respectable. She, whilst happy her father wasn't evil anymore (although having quite a few doubts as to the assured longevity of this change), was also not very happy about the move, and was feeling that her parents were taking things too far. However she thought perhaps it was for the best, and after all, her father spending more time with her but not doing evil had to be a plus. She just wished her friends were still close to her. Still there was always the internet and telephone calls. By the way she had come to thinking about when she would call her friends they had gone around the low brick dividing wall that separated their house from their neighbours house. The house was occupied by an elderly couple who seemed very pleased to have new neighbours.

"It's not often we have something to cheer us up at our age" said the lady, "the former residents of 741 Evergreen Terrace were so loud and noisy"

"You mean the current occupants of 742" commented the man in a tone that suggested he was not on good terms with said residents.

"Oh but they weren't living next to us... And those young fellows at number 741 with their loud music and reckless skateboarding outside were more than a bit of a nuisance"

"The boy seemed to like them"

"Hmm... he would. The boy would, of that I'm sure. Never was there a more devilish creature on this Earth than that Bart Simpson"

Heinz interrupted "The Simpsons... Are these the residents of 742 Evergreen Terrace? They'd be our neighbours like you"

"Yes" said the lady, with a tone of warning, "and you'll not find worse neighbours in this world. Why, the father was only yesterday chasing my poor cat about the street because it had stolen a donut from him playfully"

Heinz, Charlene and Vanessa listened to some more complaints about the Simpson family until well past 9:30 when their neighbours said goodbye to them and gave them some small gifts of some home baked cookies. They then went to number 742. Heinz knocked on the door. It was opened by a middle aged man, bald and obese.

"Yes?"

"I'm Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and this is my wife Charlene. We've just moved in next door"

"Oh, you'll be the new neighbours. Come in, my wife's been expecting you"

The Doofenshmirtz's, minus Vanessa, entered, and found themselves in a similar house to their own, though more sparsely furnished and untidy. They were invited to sit down on the couch in the living room. The television was on and a baby and a young girl were seated watching a show. The boy, so infamous in those parts, was nowehere to be seen, and was, thought Heinz and Charlene, probably outside playing with his friends. The man returned with his wife, an average looking housewife in a green dress with tall blue hair. They greeted each other and had some coffee. After telling their story the Doofenshmirtz's listened to the story of the Simpson family, and were told about Springfield. Then the two couples discussed their children and it was then that Marge Simpson had an idea. She informed the Doofenshmirtz's that she and her husband had been wanting to spend a few days together on holiday without the kids, and that they'd be grateful if Vanessa would babysit them. Heinz turned to Charlene and then back to the Simpsons.

"Well I'm sure she'd love to"

After returning to their new house the Doofenshmirtz's went upstairs to talk with their daughter. Vanessa received them into her room and listened to their proposition.

"Sure... I'll babysit Bart Simpson" she said with a bored air.

That night Marge and Homer Simpson left in their car, after telling Vanessa what to do. Bart still hadn't returned but Vanessa was told he'd be back any minute. Vanessa took Lisa back inside. It just happened that Bart was closer than his parents thought. He had spent most of the day at his friend Milhouse's place, but, having earlier spotted a removal van, had returned and watched the Doofenshmirtz's with interest. And now, climbing the tree outside his bedroom window, he entered the house ready to make his entrance. He opened his bedroom door and went down the stairs and into the living room where Vanessa was with Lisa, having put Maggie to bed. Vanessa observed Bart, and Bart observed Vanessa.

"So" thought Bart, "this is the new babysitter, huh? Well aside from her good looks let's see her other virtues if any"

"So" said Bart, "you're my new babysitter eh?"

"Yes Bart. I've heard quite a lot about you"

"I thought you were new here?"

"Yes... who told you that?"

"Oh... nevermind that. So... where are you from?"

"A town called Danville. It's west of here by quite a distance"

"Why did you come here?"

"My dad... had a career change"

"Uh huh. Any siblings?"

"No... You ask a lot of questions Bart"

"I like hearing a lot of answers. You into skateboarding?"

"No..."

Lisa stepped in.

"Don't pester Vanessa, Bart. She's new in town. We should make her feel at home and welcome, not badger her and interrogate her"

"Your sister's right, Bart. Give me a break"

"I'm only saying what i'm thinking. If you can't take me being real then-"

"It's not that Bart... Look I'd love to get to know you and all... But I've just moved here and... I haven't made any new friends or seen my new school..."

"What school are you going to?"

"My parents told me it's a place called Springfield High, heard of it?"

"Yeah, 'course I have. Worst school in the state"

"That bad huh?"

"Well... I said worst school... I meant worse high school. I go to Springfield Elementary. I tell you that place is falling apart. Bullies rule the place... Just yesterday Jimbo Jones beat me up just because I didn't agree with him that High School Musical III was better than High School Musical II"

"This Jimbo sounds bad"

"Yeah... he's the baddest. But he aint real like me. He thinks he's cool but he's not. He just acts all cool but deep down he's just a coward"

"I'll remember that... So Bart..."

"Yeah?" said Bart, beginning to like the new girl somewhat more.

"You have any friends my age?"

"Well... not really. My best friend is called Milhouse Van Houten... and he's ten like me... But I'm sure a nice girl like you will find it easy to make friends"

"Yeah... maybe"

"You're alright Vanessa. You're pretty cool"

"Thanks Bart"

Lisa looked up from her weekend homework.

"Doofenshmirtz... Doofenshmirtz... That's an odd name... Are you from germany or Austria or something?"

"My father comes from Drueselstain, it's around that area i think..."

"Drueselstain... Ah yes, we did a report on any European country last year and I chose Drueselstain. Remarkable for it's natural resources and castles"

Vanessa put Bart and Lisa to bed at 8 pm and then went to sleep on the couch.

"Well these people aren't so bad really..." she thought to herself, "that Bart isn't so bad, and whilst the Simpsons are pretty dysfunctional I bet deep down they're real nice people"

Meanwhile at the Doofenshmirtz's, Heinz was getting on his workclothes. Charlene didn't think it too odd that he worked a night shift, and was perfectly comfortable with Heinz's explanation that he wanted to spend the day with Vanessa and her. But of course Doofenshmirtz, once a villain and always a villain, needed to exersize his evil muscles. Sure, this wasn't the tri-state area, but Springfield was still a worthy place to take over. He kissed his wife goodbye, and, tie and suit and polished work shoes on, he took his briefcase to the car parked in the driveway. He then set off towards the city centre, where, amidst the tall buildings, was a skyscraper, the regional HQ of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated. And, as he drove towards the building, his evil mind full of joy at a fresh challenge, a shadow passed above him, and, looking through the windshield and squinting Heinz could have sworn he saw a platypus using a hoverjet fly in the same direction. No... Surely a trick of the light. As much as he missed Perry, he knew that he had killed him in battle. He cried a few tears of sorrow for his old enemy and drove on.

Doofenshmirtz arrived at the regional HQ of Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and was greeted enthusiastically by his workers. Ascending via a lift to the top floor he found himself in a private room where he could operate his evil schemes. He switched on the fluorescant lights and revealed the giant chamber, three storeys high and as wide as the building itself. And then he sat down in a sofa chair and turned on his plasma screen television. The news was on, and a person called Kent Brockman was talking about a recent earthquake when Doofenshmirtz heard what sounded like footsteps. Turning casually around he got the fright of his life, when, lo and behold, there standing wearing the all too familiar fedora was Perry the platypus!

"I... I... I... But Perry! I thought you had died in that terrible disaster back in Danville!"

Perry handed Doofenshmirtz a piece of paper and Doofenshmirtz held Perry's hand as if to check he wasn't dreaming. Yes, there was his soft fur and pulse all right. Doofenshmirtz could hardly contain his joy.

"Perry! Perry the platypus! You're alive! Oh how wonderful this is! But... How did you escape? Oh... this paper must explain that"

Doofenshmirtz read the paper which was written in ink and signed by Major Monogram. It read;

Dear Doctor Doofenshmirtz,

We have information from Agent P that you believe to have killed said agent. This is untrue. Agent P informs me that after the explosion he ran away thinking all was fine and didn't realise you had mistook this for his death amid the thick fumes of the after effects of the explosion. I regret, along with all the staff at the organisation, that you were convinced of such an unfortunate event having taken place. In order to compensate you we have decided to send Agent P to Springfield to inform you of these things. We have also heard of your intentions to turn to the good side, and, once bitten twice shy, we will wait until some time to give you your complimentary hamper basket, say five weeks, just to be sure. I never got that hamper back Doofenshmirtz. That was a darn good hamper. I tell you, there was all sorts of great stuff... Anyway, I wish you luck in your endeavours having turned to the good side again... Hopefully this time for real-

Your good friend,

Major Monogram

"Oh Perry the platypus, it's so good to see you in one piece. But... are you going back to Danville?"

Perry nodded sadly and then began to walk away when Doofenshmirtz stopped him.

"Wait... If you won't be my nemesis... I'll have to really turn to the good side... But I can't do that..."

Perry shrugged his shoulders, unsure of what to suggest to his old enemy.

"Hmm... well at least stay with me one last night just for old times sake? One last night together as enemies? No battling or anything... We can order pizza and watch the Seinfeld marathon on NBC"

Perry smiled and nodded happily and sat on Doofenshmirtz's sofa as the doctor went to phone for pizza. Once the pizza had arrived they were already watching the second Seinfeld episode.

"You know Perry... I never go to Chinese reataurants myself because of the waiting time... Hmm... that gives me an idea!"

Perry looked up at his enemy sadly and held his arm with his hand.

"Yes... yes... no point in having evil schemes if no one's going to stop you... sigh... Oh no, not another news update. I want comedy, not tragedy"

Kent Brockman addressed the viewers.

"And in breaking news local billionaire autocrat C Montgomery Burns had announced plans to buy a monopoly of all convenience stores, and large mark-ups are expected. The government could do nothing in the face of hundred thousand dollar bribes. And now to sport. The Springfield Atoms defeated the-"

Doofenshmirtz turned off the tv and sat, thinking for a minute.

"Autocrat... doesn't that mean... leader?"

Perry shrugged.

"Hmm... This Burns... he seems powerful... If he can get away with having a monopoly of convenience stores that means the law is pretty lax here... Perfect conditions for a villain to-"

He looked down at Perry.

"No, it wouldn't be right... Best start anew as a good honest citizen"

Perry smiled. Just then his bracelet beeped. Perry shook hands with Doofenshmirtz and left in his hoverjet.

"Wait, wait! Come back Perry the platypus!"