What is Love?

Author: Crystal

Disclaimer: Fruits basket is copyrighted to Takaya Natsuki.

Rating: PG, contains shounen ai.

Pairing: Inplied akitoxyuki, kyou+tohru, yuki+tohru

A/N: This is my first time writing from akito's POV, it was

unexpected and hopefully not too OOC. ^^; I might actually write more

of this fic. Please remember to tell me what you think! Good or bad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is love? I've heard that this is a question that many people do

not know the answer to, yet would give everything to know.

I don't know what it is, I never had a pure unadulterated taste of

it. Maybe they'll tell me that I am the only one they will be loyal

to, the only one to own them. But is their concern for my welfare an

indirect means of ensuring their own? If I was hurt on any of their

watches, heads would roll. It's a figure of speech but not too far

from the truth. Not that I care too much for their fates. "Please

don't go outside anymore, you are much too weak." "Remember, no

strenuous activities, or he may suffer a relapse. His condition is

not likely to improve when he gets older, it is a known affliction

his predecessors also had and would most likely worsen in time..."

I hold the fates of multiple others in my hands; nothing is allowed

to happen to me... Exhaustion and bouts of sickness plague me quite

often.

From then on I can only look out from the barred windows of my dark

lonely room at the world outside. It seems ever so bright, the bright

glowing colours of autumn leaves, red, orange and gold. So pretty...

Such a beautiful forest it seems so out of place in the dark world of

the Sohma clan. In my untried and inexperienced way I loved the

autumn, to others it may seem like a dead or dying season, only a

filler until winter and then spring. But it seems to represent every

moment of my life. I was born to die. This should be the season in

which I was born, because in a short time it will be winter and my

body will retreat silently into passivity, no longer undertaking the

normal activities that lends it the ability to move and respire.

No more the painful efforts to live day by day as if I have decades

of life left. No, I am not that privileged. Any who would say I am

are fools concerned with only the unimportant filigree of life.

Useless décor that fails to hide the rotting and veined heartwood

underneath. In the end none of that can be brought into the

otherworld with one into death. All materialistic treasures are left

behind when one reaches the grave. Even spiritual attachments may not

breech the cold void of death. Futile thoughts for one who has formed

none. If by chance some of those who serve me entertain emotions for

me other than glee and guilty eagerness to see me grow weaker by the

day, none would voluntarily come to quench my loneliness. Not even to

my dying day.

I will not try to fool myself. I only care for one person to do so.

And it shall not happen the way I want it. He would only ever look at

me with cold indifference, it would be his duty for I will call him

to my bedside. He will look down on me with pity and guilt for ever

wishing this upon me. Then once I leave this world, I and all my love

will be a closed chapter of his life, then for him it will be a new

beginning. While my body will be cool and still as the tomb enclosing

the remains of the cursed cat, his life will go on. A new victim of

this nightmare curse will be chosen.

I will have lived my life knowing only the bitterness of an

unrequited love. To have loved and lost... but I have never been loved

in turn. To say the truth the love I hold for this person is

following my body into decline. I know it cannot be. Yet I cannot let

him forget me so easily. I cannot let them forget me. It is my

greatest fear, that I will be one of countless deceased leaders of

this clan. When they look back on me they will see madness, but in

death all will seem to be forgiven. Memory of my short pitiful life

will be forgotten. I will not have made an impact in this frigid

world at all.

Do I need to be more cruel and fan their fear and hatred? Will I be

remembered then? The purpose of my life was to take the bunt of

theirs. The exalted position I claim is such a mockery of the reality

of my situation. I am a caged bird. All the authority I wield is

behind the bars of the prison made by the curse and the conditions

that came with being clan head. Such a prestigious position I hold in

life. But are not all equal in death? Then what will I be with none

of these titles bestowed upon me? Will I not be less than those other

estranged souls? I have accomplished nothing in my life, given raise

to nothing but fear and destruction. No other soul will be mourning

me on the land I leave behind, as will be the case for others who

have died.

Even as the cat will undoubtedly- for I will make it so- be

imprisoned in the cell vacated by the previous cat, I am the one who

has been entrapped all his life. The cell of my body will drag me

down into endless slumber. I cannot let go of that thought. Humans

are endlessly fascinated with the concept of death. I do not know if

I should be counted as human though. I am the kami of the jyuunishi

after all.

In the end the joy I wish I could have experienced is going to haunt

me unto my last breath. The loneliness will choke me and maybe that

will be the hell I will be dragged into.

Even with all the comforts bestowed on me, the only other person

whose life mine is comparable to, is that of the most despised member

of my clan. Strangely there is a balance. In this clan I own

everything and everyone, the one who should suffer the most, does,

but I know he does laugh and smile if only to that annoying, meddling

girl. I am supposed to have everything, and he nothing. But if one

takes out a scale measuring the fortunes and misfortunes of both our

lives, I'd imagine we would come out equal. The misery fated for me

is much the same as his. I will not let him get away from it either.

I will not be alone in my misery, I will drag him down with me. It

should be as a favor to him, no one would miss him much. At this

thought I am strangely pacified. I will not be the only one to be led

to such a lonely, pointless fate. I will not be alone.

The head and the cat of the clan are much the same.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At first the fic started out from Kyou's POV then it just suddenly

seemed more appropriate as Akito. ^^ So i wrote from Akito's POV from

then on. If i continue this fic then it will be shounen ai at least.

[And of course kyou will be included in the main pairings..]

That last sentence sounds funny.. .

Please remember to R&R!