Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII and I don't make money with this writing.
Chapter betaed by my dear Natila! Thank you Nat-nat!
Chapter 1 - Beginning / Loz's point of view.
Sometimes I can't sleep. Not even when I take some pills. It just doesn't work for me. I don't know why. The only thing in the world that could make me sleep safely is odd and funny: the scent of Yazoo's hair. I think about it and I have to laugh , though it is true. I need to smell my brother's hair to finally sink in to a peaceful sleep.
When I was eight we moved from Wutai to Midgar .Yazoo was five and Kadaj wasnt born yet. Kadaj was born along the way, a little ahead of schedule. I was very happy when I cuddled that tiny bundle with big green eyes for the first time. I was not the first brother to embrace him, but I spent all the free time that I had with Kadaj in my arms. Sephiroth was the first to meet him. Actually, Sephiroth was the first person Kadaj look at in this world. Mother passed out during labour.
We were flying in our jet when Mother felt the pains. It was not the correct time, she had planned Kadaj's birth in Midgar's best hospital. None of her doctors were available, Mother would never let any ordinary doctor lay his hands on her and Kadaj was in a hurry to get out. So, my big brother had to help delivering baby Kadaj. I believe this is the reason why their relationship is more like father and son than brotherly. Sephiroth used to take him on his long journeys in the Shinra Army, from the moment he had started to talk. Mother didnt like it, but he did anyway I was a little envious in the beginning, but Im not anymore. Me and Yazoo bonded forever ago and even loving my brothers, Seph and Daj, equally I know that this affinity goes way beyond.
But going back to Kadajs birth. Yazoo was frightened. He was with Mother when she cried out in agony. I remember embracing him tightly and calming his fears by explaining that our mother would not die. It was just our baby brother coming out. Yazoo stared at me with those huge green eyes, already swollen with tears and he whimpered that I would not love him anymore and as much as I would love our younger brother. Maybe when Kadaj was born, Yazoo felt lonely because of the excessive attention Mother showed to the new baby. Kadaj was weak and needed special care. Sephiroth, though a guy hardly showing any emotions, was concerned for Kadaj. A different kind of affection that Yazoo had ever gotten from Seph. But anyway Sephiroth had to go back to his career. So, the tasks of taking care of the baby and helping Mother fell on me. Sephiroth, gentle as a rock, came to me and glared straight at me.
"Loz, you will be the man of the house. If something bad happens to any of them, it will be your fault. Get it?"
How couldnt I?
Yazoo`s feelings toward Kadaj were mostly his concern that he was not the baby brother anymore. Pure vanity...Surely he loved Kadaj and would do anything on earth to see him happy. Years later he told me he was not jealous of Mother or Sephiroth attention but of mine. He was scared to lose my attention. Possessive and silly! I belong to him forever, though I have to prove it to him all the time ! I understand Yazoo's insecurity. He is not a charismatic leader as Kadaj will certainly be one day, not as powerful and idolised as Sephiroth is and will forever be, not as strong and easy to deal with as I am -( I still don't know if it is a quality...) He sees himself as a fragile creature. Although he is not. He is clever like Mother and more than anyone that I have ever known, skillful in fighting and shooting, extremely sophisticated and . observant and accurate. The most beautiful face and the hottest body that I ever saw and ever knew on a person, male or female. He is gorgeous. . Although if I don`t assure him of these qualities he says that he doesn't feel loved. "I need you to notice me, flatter me, cuddle me and love me Loz. That`s all I need. I don't care for the others." My heart melts in tenderness, love and lust when I hear his soft and deep voice speaking to me like that. Yazoo is a giver. At least for me. He needs to be pleasured and needs most of all to be assured of my love. I really don't know if he needs it from Mother, Sephiroth or Kadaj. At least he doesn't show it. I know he is a little selfish. But I can't help it, I love him anyway. The kind of love that brothers shouln`t feel for each other, but I feel it and dont think it is wrong. It is pure and strong. And I show him and tell him about my love, every single day of my life, willingly and with utter bliss . I love him. My life may go through changes but my love for Yazoo is above everything, eternal and unbreakable. And I know he feels the same.
I had been dating Tifa, for almost six months when we broke up a few weeks ago. I like her, but I felt awful to have to lie and I love Yazoo. I am ashamed to admit it but my personal heaven would be to have both of them. Like a happy threesome. Yazoo would never agree to this and Tifa... She would kill me and then gossip to all Midgar that we are a really psycho family. As if anyone didnt already know it...
But I couldn't bear to see Yazoo sad. I wasnt just messing around with her, I was really dating her. Mother liked Tifa and her family. She was a constant presence at our house. It was getting serious and Yazoo was getting furious. He never made a scene or called me a cheater, but I knew he was sad and miserable and he didn't understand why I was doing this to him. Me neither. Once, during one of our countless arguments, I told him to do the same. To find someone else and try to be happy, because we were wrong and it wouldnt work. He did. He started to date a friend of us, Aeris, and she was a great girl. Mother liked her, her parents had some huge business going on with Mother and they had a lot of influence in Midgar. Good alliance, she said. I was not allowed to feel jealousy or anger. I pretended indifference and didnt say a word to Yazoo.
Yazoo didnt look for my company anymore. I didnt want to stop our encounters but everytime I tried to get closer, he would slip away from my touches like water. He would not even stay at home alone with me. But it was bearable, he was trying to live his life, I was doing the same. And also, acting like lovers instead of brothers made me feel afraid for Mother and my other brothers. Afraid of the gossips that could harm them. Sephiroth`s power and fame were increasing, our army was the best on the planet. He was the best General, of the best army, of the best company of the world. Which happened to be our company as well. Shinra Power. Jenovas Energy and Reactors owned Shinra. It is ours. I couldnt let anything destroy the image of my family. Mother always taught us where our place was : at the top, but out of spotlight. And so I broke up with Yazoo. And I almost broke my soulI moved to the Army Academy with Seph while Yazoo stayed in Midgar to finish his high school.
We had stealthy and sad moments together. His jade green eyes looked at me like sharp blades, blaming me for his pain. Our brotherly friendship had gone away and this was my fault. I retaliated stupidely. I became distant, cold and rude with my love. This was a hard time for our family. Kadaj was seeing a shrink, Sephiroth was harsh as ever and he had had some troubles related to his appetite for parties, wine, girls- not so legal- and drugs- definitly not legal. Mother spent more time at Shinra or traveling than at home. Suddenly Yazoo broke up with Aeris. That didn`t surprised me and it even pleased me. My crazy foolish mind just saw the opportunity of getting a new chance with him. It could be a way to make him understand my point of view, to get him to accept Tifa as a part of my life, not my entire life as Yazoo was , only a little part of it.
But Yazoo started to date a man. I saw them. He was a close friend of Aeris. Reno. Yazoo said they were just friends. No they were not. I felt miserable and jealous and everything a man can feel seeing his love with another person. I went mad thinking about this man touching his hair (mine !), kissing those pink fleshy lips (mines !) or the worst; this still makes me cry now ; touching his body (mine) as I had touched it and giving him the pleasure that I was not allowed to give anymore. I had nightmares of Yazoo naked in all his splendor on black silk sheets with Reno licking his body, putting Yazoo in crazy positions and thrusting hard in his ass (mine !) while my Yazoo cried out that "he had never felt so good in his life". It was awful. And the more I got parted from him, the more I had this dream, the more I felt unhappy and unable to deal with Yazoo and our fucked up situation. It was hurting me so much that not even Tifa was helping. I failed in bed with her a couple of times during this period. I kissed Tifas mouth and I saw Yazoos face. I parted her legs and I saw Yazoos legs clenching my waist, I kissed her breasts and suddenly the image of a flat chest was on my mind. Oh and dont tell me that an ass is an ass anyway, because I tried too with Tifa. And it is not! I was going insane.
I had never worried while he was seeing Aeris. I didnt feel any real feelings between them. Their relationship carried an air of purity and chastity. But with that guy...I was panicked at the idea of losing him. On the brink of madness and paranoid about Yazoo intercourses with Reno. I noticed from the corner of my eyes, every time we were together at the same place (deliberately planned from my side) the lustful gaze that Reno gave Yazoo. He stared at Yazoo with those narrowed blue eyes and more than once I saw those filthy hands squeezing Yazoos waist and back. I saw my brother blushing when this guy whispered things in his ear. Urgh! I wanted to kill Reno. I also had dreams about this. Yazoo was mine. Selfish but true. I had been the first to claim that ass, I had sucked and marked that skin, I had claimed that body as mine. He was mine. Period. He is mine. Eternal and constant period !
We argued, cursed, and wounded each other emotionally and even physically. But for God's sake Yazoo loved me and we forgave each other and sealed a pact: we would nevermore hurt each other. One do insane things when one is afraid. He is a guy, he is my brother and I need him in my life ! We talked about it and to my relief he hadnt had sex with anyone. Not even Reno. Oh... the selfish relief I felt. "I didn't do it with anyone Loz. I tried, but I couldn't. Only you own my heart, my soul and my body."
I believed him. He is stubborn like a rock but he has never lied to me. Yazoo can have many flaws but he is not a liar and he is very straight to the point when its suits him. Though,since we were kids our life had been made of fights and make up. It is funny how all this mess began :
One afternoon, Mother, Yazoo, Kadaj and I were in the garden, in a rare lazy summer moment. Kadaj was taking his first baby steps, I was helping him to walk. So cute with those chubby feet testing the grass. Yazoo was reading near us on the blanket spread in the grass, watched by Mother's wise eyes. From time to time he narrowed his green eyes and glanced at us. When Kadaj finally fell asleep in my arms I gave him to Mother's care and asked Yazoo to join me for a bike ride around the neighborhood . He answered me harshly "Now that your favourite brother is off you want to play with me. No, I don't want to. Go alone and I hope you get lost." I tried to say something but he left the garden and didnt look at me or at Mother. I followed him inside the house and we started fighting when one of my favourite toy cars happened to "fly" through the window. At the end of the day Mother forced us to apologize to each other. Yeah I really had left Yazoo out when Kadaj was a baby. After that episode, Yazoo turned cold towards me and gentle with Kadaj. Until things changed again and this time I ran to Yazoo looking for comfort.
We moved from Midgar to Nibelheim. Our company owned a factory there and Mother should manage Jenova's Energy straight at the center of the mako- reactors. There we went again for another year of life's readjustment. Except Sephiroth. He was riding his celebrity status as General at the center of Shinra's headquarters and he stayed in Midgar. But he always payed us a visit. He was already a celebrity, something that Mother didnt approve of I was thirteen, Yazoo ten and Kadaj five. The new house was great, it was much smaller than the one in Midgar but I liked it that way, we were closer, sharing the same room and objects and we became more protective of each other. We didn't know anybody in the city. We spent most of the day in the private school of the firm, with strangers that treated us with deference but no warmth because we were the president's sons. We felt lonely in that city, even Mother, we saw only in rare occasions. Most of the time she was at the labs. When Seph arrived it was like a party. Our brotherly bonds made Mother proud of us. It was the start of the sweet time of puberty . Gosh I 'm a talkative person...We slept together like snakes in a bowl since we had moved out, both Yazoo and Kadaj wrapped around me.
The most delicious fragrances in the world for me originate from that time. The bubblegums scent of Yazoos silky hair. So good. I shoved my nose in that mass of silver threads and breathed in deeply the scent. Yazoo always complained, asking me to stop because the tip of my nose was tickling his nape. His low giggles got Kadaj to join the party, tickling Yazoos belly with his small hands. Beside the playing and the innocence I was feeling my body changing, and when I was laying in bed with the back of Yazoo against my chest and belly, the pressure on my groin was inevitable. Actually Kadaj pressed me more than Yazoo, and it was not rare that I woke up with my baby brother on top of me when I was in bed. But those throbbing sensations only happened with Yazoo. I knew what it was and in addition to my own shame I also feared that Yazoo would notice it. One night it was very obvious. He rubbed his back against me and my groin woke up to life. He did it again and I felt my cock jump out underneath my flannel's pants. I almost cried out in fear.
And to calm myself down, I had to nuzzle into that bubblegums scent, and if the sensation got unbearable, I had to run to the bathroom.
Much time later, Yazoo told me with that low laughter, that he had always noticed my erection in his back, but he was ashamed to say something, so he just tried to keep some distance from me. Though sometimes, he leaned on me to feel and figure out what it was and then, he felt his own groin getting hard and an impulse to stroke it. He also told me that, when he was sure that I was deeply asleep, he would rub his groin against my thigh. He had done this countless times and I never noticed it. And he only stopped because one night he came all over his pants and got terrified that I would notice it and tell Mother. So horny my Yazoo, even as a child. We still laugh about it.
We came back to Midgar the next year and things went back to the usual routine. Each one in their own rooms dealing with their own business. I missed the closeness with my brothers and especially with Yazoo. Not just the pervert time but our friendship, and I was wishing to have it again. One saturday morning we were in Yazoo's room, waiting for Mother to go shopping or something. Yazoo was brushing his long silver hair and the wonderful scent filled my nose. I told him how I was missing us, together sleeping in the same bed and how his smell had kept my fears away at night. I confessed how lonely and sad I was feeling. Of course my eyes could not hold back the tears. This is me ... Yazoo with that graceful calmness, took a step towards me and lowered his head to my nose level. He put one of his delicate hands on my shoulder and leaned closer to me without a word. I caressed a wisp of that silk between my fingers. So good, so comfy, so beloved. Those were the first sensations and then I lowered my face on the crown of his head and slid down, very slowly to his neck. I breathed in the scent from the top of his head to the thin and delicate hair on his nape, rubbing my face like a cat against that silver cascade .
It didnt feel wrong when I touched that patch of smooth and pale flesh with my fingertips. I kissed the skin near his neckline. It felt like the right thing to do. Unconsciously, I nested one of my arms around his waist and the other gently cupped his head while I started trailing small kisses on his neck, up to his earlobe. I just felt a heat on my cheeks when Yazoo gave a long low sigh and put his hand on my shoulder, slightly pushing me back. I continued with my neck kisses and his small hand on my shoulder strained. I should have stopped but I just couldn't. I took advantage of his weak effort to restrain me and tilted his head to the side, to gain more access to his throat. I licked it in an immense need to taste his flavour, as if he was an ice cream. So good. So warm. I noticed goose bumps on that marble skin and I caressed it with my fingers. Yazoo's breath was getting shorter , his eyes were closed, he was biting his lower lip, and a bulge developed in my groin . My dizzy mind didn't think and with one hand on his neck and the other on his cheek I closed his face to mine and kissed him on the lips. The best word to describe the feeling is blissful. Yazoo didn't push me away though his eyes were partly open and glaring at me.
This was our first kiss. Closed lips pressing against each other, eyes partially opened and hearts fast pounding. When we were just about to open our mouths and do as the actors in movies, we heard Mother calling us to come down. We broke the kiss as if a wave of electric shock had hit us. Yazoo put his hand on his chest while panting, cheeks apple-red and a stunned gaze in his eyes.I was shaking from inside and I saw our faces in the mirror . Flushed and ashamed. Blissful. Again, tears rolled down from my eyes. I was actually sobbing with my arms still embracing Yazoo's waist. " Don't cry Loz". And he wiped away my tears with his long fingers.
At this time I was confused and lost, because I liked girls, I kissed them, I touched them under their skirt and I almost had had sex with one girl from my school. Almost because in the last minute she decided that she didnt want to. But I had liked to touch Yazoo in that way and I loved to be with him. In fact, after this time I just wished to be with him all day long. I couln`t imagine myself far away from him. I had some friends from school and from the academy but nothing compared to the comfort, complicity and safety that I felt with my brother. I love him. Not in the same way as I love Sephiroth or Kadaj and believe me, I love them to bits. With Yazoo I can talk about everything without fear or restraints. Including about Mother. He knows me deeply, sometimes better than myself, and he never has judged me a crybaby or a burly ass even when he says with that soft voice "don't cry Loz".
We kissed again that same afternoon. This time with our tongues curling inside our mouths. I felt his body with my hands and he let me touch his neck, arms, those long legs and that smooth back. He cried softly before falling asleep. The next night we didn't stop touching, pinching , caressing and kissing each other. Though we still wore our pyjamas. This was the first time that I said I love you. Yazoo said the same to me and he also said that he was afraid. The following days we slept alone in our own rooms. I understood the seriousness of our situation and didnt push Yazoo. But a few nights later, Yazoo came to my room. We got naked under the covers. We kissed and I pulled Yazoo on top of me and stripped him off of his pyjama's pants. We kept the shirts on. Then he leaned forwards and we stayed in that position, cocks coiling, twitching and touching each other, until we came together. I didnt stop kissing him that night. In the morning, his lips were swollen and bruised. Thus, we began to make up the most amazing excuses for every bruise, scratch, hickeys that covered our bodies.
I explored with pleasure and bliss every little inch of his body and I let him do the same with me. One of his favorite games was to rub himself against my body and he loved hard nibbles on his thighs, ass and nipples. He still loves it. Something that I love is putting him on all four and bite and suck that small round ass. I have to do a big effort not to come just at the sight of Yazoo's pleasure, his half parted mouth, his hair disheveled and spread on the bed and his eyes squeezed shut. Oh and those throaty sounds. The sounds he makes when I rim his rosy entrance are purely delicious. And the way he sucks my dick and balls swallowing from the tip to the base and how he greedily drinks my seed. Oh God. I will go straight to hell for this. I love to watch my brother licking my come. Even Tifa didn't like to do that, but my Yazoo loves it and he never waste a drop of it. But this was a slow discovery for us. Sometimes it was very hard not to make any noise when we were curled like a shell, licking, sucking, and kissing each other in the heat of our lust. Although our hot caresses always ended with both of us coming hard, we had not had had sex properly at that time. It would happen years later. Well if by sex, only penetration counted. Yazoo was scared of the pain, and of stretching the limits of our brotherly chains to something with no return. What a nonsense...Well now Yazoo is in peace with our love but it was not always like this.
