Ch 1
Abby sat on the top corner of her bed and cried. She hated crying she hated
everything about it. The way your eyes get puffy and your nose gets stuffed
up. She hated all of it. She believed crying made you weak. Even if
everyone says it's good to cry Abby didn't believe it. She was so used to
hiding her emotions that on nights like this when she did break down she
hated herself even more then usual.
' God Abby you are such a loser.' she told herself 'you don't deserve to cry stop it now. I don't care if you had a bad day; I don't care if everyone's mad at you. You deserve it.' Abby continued berating herself until she forced herself to stop crying. She thought about all the times when she was little that she forced herself to not cry, times when there was hardly any food in the house and little Eric was hungry when she fed him and went hungry herself. All the times Maggie would lock herself in her room for weeks at a time and she would have to be in charge of Eric. She remembered several times when Maggie begged her to stay home from school because she didn't want to be alone.
'God you really are a loser Abby you were the one who raised Eric. Look how he turned out. You couldn't protect him from her and now he's as bad as Maggie is. You haven't done anything right your whole life. You couldn't keep your marriage together you couldn't even keep your baby you didn't even try to have your baby you don't deserve anything.' Abby got out of bed and crawled down to the hardwood floor in from of her bedroom window. It was freezing near the window but Abby didn't care. She hated herself. God she was upset over a few stupid arguments at work shed dealt with BI polar disorder, not having a mother, raising her brother, alcoholism, and a failed marriage but a few arguments at work could make her cry.
'God you are so dumb Abby thought as she sat on the freezing floor. She liked the feeling of the cold on her legs she started shaking from the cold. 'Who cares if you're cold Abby you don't deserve to be warm you're a horrible person and you should be cold.'
Abby looked out the window and watched the snow fall slowly outside. She thought about how beautiful it was even the worst pats of Chicago looked pretty in the snow. She wished she could just go outside and let the snow cover her maybe the snow could cover all the ugliness in her. 'Yea right come on Abby there's no way you could get rid of your ugliness you know that why are you trying to fool yourself?'
Just then her phone rang she stood to answer it but she couldn't move her feet she didn't want to answer it she was afraid whoever was on the line might be able to tell she'd been crying and she didn't want to answer any questions right now.
Abby heard the answering machine pick up. "Abby? Abby it's john are you there? Ok well you must be sleeping I was just getting off I wanted to say goodnight sleep well I'll see you tomorrow I love you."
Abby heard the machine click of and had to fight back the tears again. 'God you're such a jerk' Abby thought. 'Carter just wanted to say goodnight and you cant even answer the phone. Maybe if you push him away enough he will stop loving you. I mean god I don't know why he loves you now all you do is push him away.' she told herself.
" I know I love him," Abby thought.
'So who cares if you love him? You don't deserve to love him. I can't wait till he finds out your little secret he won't love you then and he will find out Carter's not like the others he loves you he cares about you he's gonna find out and when that happens it will be your fault he gets hurt. You're a freak and when he finds that out he will leave you in a second. But who cares that will be good because it will hurt you, and hurt is the only thing you should feel. Your so selfish being with him he deserves better then you and you know it.'
"Stop it stop it!" she told herself. She sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the phone.
' God Abby you are such a loser.' she told herself 'you don't deserve to cry stop it now. I don't care if you had a bad day; I don't care if everyone's mad at you. You deserve it.' Abby continued berating herself until she forced herself to stop crying. She thought about all the times when she was little that she forced herself to not cry, times when there was hardly any food in the house and little Eric was hungry when she fed him and went hungry herself. All the times Maggie would lock herself in her room for weeks at a time and she would have to be in charge of Eric. She remembered several times when Maggie begged her to stay home from school because she didn't want to be alone.
'God you really are a loser Abby you were the one who raised Eric. Look how he turned out. You couldn't protect him from her and now he's as bad as Maggie is. You haven't done anything right your whole life. You couldn't keep your marriage together you couldn't even keep your baby you didn't even try to have your baby you don't deserve anything.' Abby got out of bed and crawled down to the hardwood floor in from of her bedroom window. It was freezing near the window but Abby didn't care. She hated herself. God she was upset over a few stupid arguments at work shed dealt with BI polar disorder, not having a mother, raising her brother, alcoholism, and a failed marriage but a few arguments at work could make her cry.
'God you are so dumb Abby thought as she sat on the freezing floor. She liked the feeling of the cold on her legs she started shaking from the cold. 'Who cares if you're cold Abby you don't deserve to be warm you're a horrible person and you should be cold.'
Abby looked out the window and watched the snow fall slowly outside. She thought about how beautiful it was even the worst pats of Chicago looked pretty in the snow. She wished she could just go outside and let the snow cover her maybe the snow could cover all the ugliness in her. 'Yea right come on Abby there's no way you could get rid of your ugliness you know that why are you trying to fool yourself?'
Just then her phone rang she stood to answer it but she couldn't move her feet she didn't want to answer it she was afraid whoever was on the line might be able to tell she'd been crying and she didn't want to answer any questions right now.
Abby heard the answering machine pick up. "Abby? Abby it's john are you there? Ok well you must be sleeping I was just getting off I wanted to say goodnight sleep well I'll see you tomorrow I love you."
Abby heard the machine click of and had to fight back the tears again. 'God you're such a jerk' Abby thought. 'Carter just wanted to say goodnight and you cant even answer the phone. Maybe if you push him away enough he will stop loving you. I mean god I don't know why he loves you now all you do is push him away.' she told herself.
" I know I love him," Abby thought.
'So who cares if you love him? You don't deserve to love him. I can't wait till he finds out your little secret he won't love you then and he will find out Carter's not like the others he loves you he cares about you he's gonna find out and when that happens it will be your fault he gets hurt. You're a freak and when he finds that out he will leave you in a second. But who cares that will be good because it will hurt you, and hurt is the only thing you should feel. Your so selfish being with him he deserves better then you and you know it.'
"Stop it stop it!" she told herself. She sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the phone.
