I didn't want to go to the cafeteria that night, didn't want to eat, didn't want to see the look on Uriah's face, and didn't want to have to thank Tris for pulling my little brother off a roof. I was quite happy with Tris being no one but the Stiff whose foot I once stamped on in an elevator. Except now she isn't a weak Stiff, she saved my brother. But…I'm not grateful, not as grateful as I should be. I feel like a terrible person, but there will always be a part of me that thinks I would get over it if my brother did fall. Don't think about her, Lynn, for God's sake you're in public.

I see Zeke wave Tris over to his table. Uriah is sat there. I can't look at him, so before I lose my nerve, I approach her. My speech I had planned about my gratitude toward her for saving Hec, how me and Shauna couldn't be more relieved he isn't hurt goes out the window when I look at her and I find myself biting my lip to hide it's wobble. "um.." I forget my planned words and look from left to right. How hard is it, Lynn?! Just say 'thank you' and walk away! "I can't look at her, either. "I really… I miss Marlene". There. I said her name. "I've known her for a long time, and I…" I abruptly stop before my mouth runs away with me. Am I really ready to share my biggest secret with a Stiff, of all people? I remember what Mar once said about the Divergent having special brains. Tris can probably tell what I'm thinking.

That the grinning, long haired, flirty Dauntless born who had thrown herself off a roof last night had been my best friend since I was six. The only person who I had ever cried in front of, and I had only cried because of her. The girl who's arms I would fall asleep in when we stayed at each other's apartments as kids, who's bed I felt safe in just because it smelled like her. The girl who I stole Dauntless cake from the kitchens with. The girl who loved baking, and once spent a night crying telling me she felt too kind to be Dauntless because she was nice to everybody. That broke my heart. No one should ever have to be ashamed of a trait like that.

But she was indefinitely Dauntless through and through. She was fearless as she threw herself off the zip line. We climbed all the way to the top of the statue outside the school. She was always the first one to start a paintball war. She said yes to every stupid dare Uriah and I ever asked her to do. She was forever getting kicked out of class for cracking jokes. She climbed onto the roof of a train once whilst it was moving. Once, she hijacked an abandoned truck on a trip to Amity's orchards when we were seven and took me and Uriah on a joyride. And she was flirty and brave and didn't care who was watching. She was the girl who loved fighting in a dress and flashed lacy black underwear every time she did. She was fearless, she was Marlene, and I miss her so much.

I was in love with her. I was desperately in love with her and she never knew.

I snap back to the present. Tris is still stood there. I shake my head. I cannot tell her any of that, as much as I'd just like to get it out somehow.

"The point is, don't think that my saying this means anything about Marlene"

Oh, it hurt to lie like that.

"But thanks for saving Hec"

I quickly throw one arm around her in a hug and then stiffen and walk away. At least I said what I planned to.

HHHHHdffd