Some fluffy angst just for fun.
-D-
25 March.
I love to write the first page in a empty diary. It's like you are introducing yourself to someone new. Someone who is going to be a close friend.
Well, I can start by writing a little bit about my self. My name is Duo Maxwell and I'm sixteen years old. I live with my parents and two younger sisters... -brb- Okay, where was I before mom called me? She wanted me to clean up my things from the living room. Bla, bla, bla. I was going to do it. No need to nag. Anyway, back to the introduction. I have a cat named Go-go. There is a story behind that name, but it's pretty long. What I can tell you is that it involves a stray dog, some porn magazines and my very embarrassed boyfriend. Oh, I didn't tell you I was gay, did I? Oh-no the shock, the horror! No, not really. It's not like it's such a big deal. It's just that it's such a small town. It's not like there is a lot of gay guys to choose between. But I have Wu. Wufei Chang, Wu-wu, Feily, Wu-kitten, my very own little Wu-bear.
So how did we get together? Well it's not such a great story. I guess I started dating him because he was the only gay guy in our school. That I knew of anyway. Don't get me wrong, his nice and cute and all that but it's not like he's my dream guy or anything and I'm definitively not his version of a perfect boyfriend. I'm not the sharpest pencil in the box and I'm not the prettiest. Well, anyway, he's a bit geeky I guess. (I wonder if geeky and smart go hand in hand? Probably.) He's pretty quiet around others since he's not really a people person. He mostly likes to read and other things that involves being quiet and sitting still. You would think that for someone with a brown belt in Ju-jutsu, he would be a lot more exciting, but that's the way he is. I guess we're not that much alike, since I'm about the opposite to smart and quiet.
We met through a friend of mine, or maybe you can't say we met then. I mean, it's a pretty small school so we had already met, but he was just another guy in my class.
Hilde had a party at her house where she told me that the guy who was walking up to me was gay and available. So that was the first time we met, knowing that the other one was gay. Anyway, so he asked me out, I said yes, we started dating and thats it. The end. Not the greatest love story of all times, but it works. We have been together now for... about two years... Damn, mom is calling again. See you later.
-D-
13 April
I saw this really hot guy today. He's new in town. Someone told me that his stepfather used to live here and that they moved here just a couple of days ago. I wouldn't mind showing him around. Especially the janitor closet, if you know what I mean. Because damn, he was fine.
I finished my English essay today. It didn't quite turn out like I wanted it to but it's ok. At least it's one less thing to do this week. Wu is here. He's helping me with math. God, it's sooo boring. I can't believe he likes this subject. Well, he doesn't look like he enjoys it right this minute considering he's asleep on top of his book right now. Awww, he looks so cute. I think I'm going to wake him up with kisses.
Later. -D-
15 April
OMG! The really, really hot guy is GAY! I was like "What?!" when I found out. Hilde (who else knows everyones else's business) knows this guy that's a friend of he's that knew that he's single (dumped someone back wherever the hell he came from) and GAY! There is justice in the world! Happy days. His name is Heero and he's on the football team. He has these really dark blue eyes and brown shaggy hair. Not to mention the muscles he has on that body. Lovely, just lovely. Se ya.
-D-
18 April
I'm thinking about dumping Wufei and going after Heero. He's so hot. I had gym with him today and he was running around in these really sexy spandex shorts and a tight green tank top. I was drolling the whole way through. Unfortunately I didn't have the guts to shower at the same time as him so I don't know how he looks under those shorts. I bet he's big. With a body like that, he would have to be. Mmm, I want to find out.
-D-
19 April
It was a bit harder to break it off with Wufei then I thought it would be. I mean, it wasn't like we were that serious. Right? He looked pretty sad. I didn't really think that he was going to be that sad. I mean, it's not like we were in love or anything. I tried to tell him that it wasn't because of him. That it was me and not him... it mostly sounded cliché. I don't think he believed me. But it wasn't because of him! He's like the sweetest guy ever. He's thoughtful, and generous and nice, and- and he's alway there when you need him. Even if it means that he's going to fall asleep on top of his books because he's been working double shifts at his fathers restaurant. But I just... I wanted to be in love. Like really madly in love with someone and be loved back. I think that's where I'm going with Heero. I didn't want to hurt Fei. But I think I did.
-D-
20 April
I keep seeing Wufei's sad eyes in front of me whenever I try to sleep. This sucks.
-D-
22 April
I talked to Heero today. Or more like I talked at him. I hope I didn't embarrass myself too much. I didn't come out and say that I was gay and interested but I hinted at it. I'm going to work on it.
-D-
25 April
Guess what I was doing a couple of hours ago? I was making out with Heero Yuy! It was so hot! It was after school and he just got out from the changing room after football practice. I walked up and started talking to him about, you know, random things. But after a while he told me to shut the fuck up and then he pushed me up against the wall. I was like 'oh shit, I'm going to get my ass kicked.' And then he kissed me! Like a -lot-. This is the best day of my life.
-D-
27 April
I'm dating Heero Yuy! Isn't that the coolest thing you have ever heard?
-D-
28 April
I saw Wu today. He was talking to his sister over by her locker with his back to me. I was going to go over and see how he was doing but then I meet his sisters eyes over his shoulder. She was glaring daggers at me, like I was the single most horrible person in the world and I didn't deserve to live. I turned on my heel and left. He couldn't have been that upset, could he? Sure he looked sad when I broke up with him, but it's not like he was crying or anything... on the other hand, I don't think I have ever seen him cry. He's more into the whole suffer-in-silence thing. So maybe he was more hurt then he let on. Well that sucks. I didn't want to hurt him. He's one of my best friends and I love him. Not love -love- him, more like... I don't know, I just love him. I've never really been in love. Not that kind of love that blows your mind. I want that kind of love.
-D-
1 May
I hate sleeping alone.
-D-
2 May
I miss Wufei. I haven't talked to him since I broke up with him. I think we are avoiding each other. I don't know if I really thought about it or if I didn't realize that this was going to happen. I just thought... I don't know what I was thinking. I just opened my mouth and broke up with him.
I never realized how big part of my life Wufei was. He's just been there every day and every minute. I've picked up the phone twice today to call him before I remembered that I couldn't. Not any more. I can't call him up and tell him about something that happened or something I'm thinking about. I didn't really think this breaking up thing through, that we might not be friends any more. We had gotten pretty close. Maybe I should call him some day. Just because we broke up doesn't mean that we can't be friends, right?
-D-
3 May
He won't answer his cell phone. Wufei always answer when I call... or he used to anyway. Yeah, it's all about having the cookie and eating it. Shit. I'm going to give Heero a call. Maybe he would like to do something.
-D-
5 May
I tried to call Wu again but he wouldn't answer. A couple of minutes later Meilan (Fei's sister) called me. She was really pissed and told me that if I ever called Wu again she was going to rip my nuts off. I always knew she could be pretty scary. Wu and I used to make bets on how many people she could intimidate whenever we went somewhere with her. It was hilarious. Only it's not so funny when it's directed against you and it's even worse when you know that you just might deserve it. God, I'm a idiot. I'm like the worst person ever. Of all the people on the planet, Wu was like the last one that deserved to get hurt and I was the one who hurt him. I suck.
-D-
-:-:-:-:-:-:-
20 May
If I hadn't broken up with Wu then this would have been our two year anniversary. Two years is a pretty long time when you think about it.
-D-
28 May
Heero is ignoring me. Or at least he does when other people are watching. He's like all over me when we're alone but when we're not, he won't even look at me. Wufei wasn't the most touchy-feely guy ever, but at least he would hold my hand in public. I miss hand holding.
-D-
29 May
I found one of Wufei's shirts on the bottom of my closet. I was thinking that I could use it as a excuse to talk to Fei. But then again, he doesn't want to talk to me, or at least that was what his sister told me when she called me. And if I did use it as a excuse, I would have to return the shirt. I don't want to give it back.
-D-
31 May
I dumped Heero today. It just got too much. He was always ignoring me among people and he never listened to a word I said. He just told me to shut up and to use my mouth for better things. But I could handle that. I mean, I know what it's like to be in the closet and I never say no to having some fun. But what I could -not- handle was overhearing my so called boyfriend's scornful laugh as he called me a cock sucking fairy in the middle of the school corridor. Fucking idiot. I fucking hate him. But the worst part was that when I got home, my first instinct was to call Wufei. But I couldn't. Because I choose Heero over him. I lost one of my best friends over that piece of shit. I hate Heero. But even more, I hate myself.
-D-
1 June
Just because the outside is pretty doesn't mean that the inside is worth a thing. Yeah, hindsight is the greatest ever.
-D-
5 June
I talked to Fei today. A little. He dropped a pencil that rolled in under my desk. I got it out and held it out to him. He wouldn't look me in the eye, but he did say 'thank you' and I said 'your welcome.' He was wearing that soft blue sweater, the one that I love to pet. I had to stop myself from reaching out and stroke it like I used to. I miss lying next to him, with one arm around him and the other one just touching him, to have him touch me. I hope he drops more pens.
-D-
6 June
I got to touch the sweater! He was wearing it again today and I got to touch it. It wasn't on purpose, I swear! I didn't even see that it was him at first. I was running late and I ran into someone around a corner. I just grabbed a hold of the arm in front of me on instinct, and when I looked up I saw straight into those big dark eyes. I love his eyes. But he looked away, muttered a quick 'sorry' and left. I thought about going after him, but I decided not to. He wouldn't have wanted me to. And isn't that a scary thought, that I know him so well that I knew that. I really took him for granted, didn't I? Yeah, I did. I miss my Wu-bear.
-D-
9 June
Wufei has really nice hands. They are soft in some places with hard calluses on others. I used to run my fingers over his to feel it. It might sound strange, but I really want to hold his hand more then anything. It's such a simple thing but it really feels so good.
-D-
11 June
It almost feels like I'm stalking him. I don't really go looking for him. It's just that I'm very aware of his presence and I make the most of it. So I watch him. I miss him. I miss him so fucking much. I'm the biggest idiot on the planet.
-D-
12 June
I think I'm in love with Wufei and I think I've been in love with him for a pretty long time. I was just to much of an idiot to see it.
-D-
17 June
I'm back together with Wu-bear!! I love the world. I love my life. I love -LOVE- my Wu.
I'm so happy I can hardly hold the pencil!
-D-
27 June
Sorry, I just realized that I never put down how we got back together. Well it went something like this.
I found out through Hilde that Wu was in the principals office for fighting. I almost thought she was joking. I mean, it's Fei we're talking about, he never fights anyone outside of his training. So I asked around and found out that he had been fighting Yuy of all people (Heero is like twice his size!). He had even (according to the rumors) broken his nose. But what really blow my mind was the reason for their fighting. Apparently Heero had been talking shit about me -again- the only difference was that this time, Wufei had heard him and the crazy -sweet- boy decided to defend my honor by beating Yuy's face in.
So, I skipped class and ambushed him outside of the principals office. I had so many things that I had planed to tell him, but when he looked at me I forgot every single one of them. He had a gigantic bruise on his jaw, most likely from Yuy's fist. I asked him why he had done it and he answered that he thought that was pretty obvious. We talked back and forth until I said something like "Your only reason for dating me was because you knew I was gay. It wasn't like you had to many guys to choose between."
And then he just looked at me like he was thinking 'I can't believe you said that.'
Then there was like there was a floodgate opening. He told me that he had a crush on me -years- before we got together and how the party we had gotten together on had been a sett up by his sister and Hilde. He told me how scared he had been to talk to me and how happy he had been when we started dating.
He went on and told me how happy he had been while we where together and how much he loved me. Only that he never told me that because he was afraid that I would feel uncomfortable and leave him. God, and then he told me about how he felt when I dumped him for Yuy. I don't even want to write down what he said to me. It was bad. Really bad. If I thought I was the biggest asshole in the universe before, it was nothing compared to what listening to that made me feel. He loved me so much and I dismissed him without a thought.
I had everything without knowing it.
So I begged and pleaded for him to take me back, and he did! My angel took me back. I'm never taking my Feily for granted again. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go and pick up my boyfriend and then I'm going to sit through almost five -hours- of modern art film about lost pencils, alcoholic lesbians and gods know what with him. But I'm going to do it with a smile on my lips, because I will be holding his hand.
-D-
