A/N: Before you start trying to tell me about how CB and PF are Sues/Self-Inserts, we do know, honestly. XD This is more of a subtle parody or mocking of the "so-and-so falls into the HP/LOTR world and then saves the day!" plots. So read this with an open mind, available sense of humour and more than a pinch of salt. ;D Also, wtf, I can't get the dividers to look nice so I used the fugly default ones. woe

Summary: Two girls stumble across a mysterious store, where they buy mysterious amulets and receive mysterious warnings. When they ignore these words, they literally "fall into" the Harry Potter world. Hilarity and hijinks ensues.

Disclaimer: Nothing from the Harry Potter series belongs to me; it all belongs to the wonderful J. K. Rowling. Pocketfish (Isaviel Bates) and Cheerbear (Theoli Runkle), however, belong to myself and Rusty Nail, respectively.



So Sue Me: A Tale of Two Self-Inserts

Chapter One: The Amulet

"Fish... what are you doing?"

Isaviel jumped at the sudden voice, which was rather unfortunate since she was currently under her bed looking for the purse she had throw under it in a fit of rage the previous night. Groaning, she slid herself out from under the bed, tossing the purse to her side before rubbing her forehead as she looked up at the visitor. Theoli Runkle is Isaviel's best friend; they met in 'the system' as they were sent from house to house in search of a home and thankfully they had been placed with families that lived relatively close to one another. As their friendship grew stronger, they gave each other nicknames that nobody else would ever understand - hell, even they don't understand where the names came from - and now Isaviel is referred to as Pocketfish and Theoli as Cheerbear.

"Giving myself concussion, apparently. How long have you been there?"

"Not long. Your mum let me in," she replied, picking up the fallen purse, sitting at her friend's desk. "You ready yet? Or do I need to wait while you make sure you didn't damage your perfectly proportioned skull with that impact?"

"Don't make me throw lint at you," Isaviel threatened, pushing herself up from the floor and dusting her trousers down. "I wish I'd remembered where that damn thing was before I'd got ready."

"Or you could just not throw things under there. Are you sure nothing lives under there?"

"Thanks, CB. Really. You're a great mate." She frowned. "I'll have you know Mr Waffles is very sensitive to light and harsh comments."

"You've named the monster under your bed."

"Yes. Yes I have."

Theoli rolled her eyes, tossing the purse to her friend before standing and heading to the door. "Come on, grab your necessities bag and let's get going, already.


The train into the town center had been late, as per usual, and had actually stopped for half an hour en-route 'due to the signals' - whatever that meant - so a journey that would normally take around half an hour in total took an epic hour and three quarters. Needless to say, the girls were a little less than impressed when they arrived at the other end, after having been refused a refund. In order to recover from their ordeal the pair had settled for an early lunch before browsing the shops. Neither girl really needed to buy anything, so by the end of the day both had remained empty handed, having found absolutely nothing that struck their fancy, which was impressive, considering Isaviel's a self-confessed shopaholic who'd buy something just because it looked pretty. Having been to practically every shop in town twice, they were just about to head back to the station when Theoli noticed something out of the corner of her eye. "Hey, have we been down there?"

Isaviel glanced over to where her friend was pointing and saw a small alley between two shops which was easily missed among the bright lights and alluring shopfronts around it. "Don't think so." Before Isaviel could say anything Theoli had made a beeline right for it and Isaviel had to jog to catch up. The small alley seemed to lead to an antique shop with an aged green door, paint flaked from years of neglect.

The girls exchanged glances.

"Well," Isaviel remarked. "It says 'open'. So make with the entering."

A soft bell chimed as the door swung open, revealing a dark room crammed full of bric-a-brac and small decorative items all set out on glass tables and display cases. The two girls glanced around themselves in awe for a moment before the sound of the chime again as the door closed brought them back down to earth.

"Wow," Theoli whispered as she walked down the tight aisle, kneeling down to look at the small crystal pieces in a lower display shelf. "How did we not know this place existed?"

Isaviel shook her head as she walked, carefully, around the tables delicate pieces of china stacked precariously high. "I have no idea, but dude, awesome."

The sound of someone clearing their voice caught their attention. There was a little old lady sat at the counter placed at the far end of the shop, and she smiled to the two girls as they approached her, cautiously, being extra careful about accidentally knocking something over - the shop was so crammed there wasn't room to swing a cat. When the girls got close enough she said "Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Oh, no, we were just looking, thankyou."

"Yeah, we didn't realise there was a shop here," Theoli commented, glancing over her shoulder to look at the street through the glass window at the front of the shop.

"Not many people do," she said, sighing. "People are so distracted by the bigger shops with the latest gadgets; who needs something so old?"

"I think old things can be interesting," Isaviel said, defensively, then blinked. "Wait, I didn't mean-"

The old lady laughed. "I know what you meant." She then paused, looking at the ceiling as if deep in thought (the girls assumed she was thinking since they looked at the spot she was staring at and didn't see anything of much interest). "Wait here a moment, I think I have something you'd like." She then shuffled off into the back, leaving the two alone for the moment. When she returned, she was holding two small, velvet-covered boxes that could fit into the palm of a hand.

Isaviel gave the old lady a curious look, to which she received a rather toothless grin in reply. "These are two very special amulet necklaces - more like lockets, if one wanted to be pedantic." She opened the boxes one at a time to reveal two beautiful lockets, around an inch and a half tall: one made of gold and on a gold chain, encrusted with rubies and amber; the other made of silver on a silver chain, with green and turquoise stones. The girls gawked, unsure as to what to say. "Since I like you girls, I'm willing to let these go for a lower price than usual."

"Oh wow," Theoli breathed. "I'm so there."

"Seconded."

The girls paid for their necklaces and had declined the small carrier bags, opting instead to wear the necklaces immediately. As they were about to say their goodbyes the old woman's face turned very grave. "Now, there's something that I must tell you; those two amulets were made as a set, and some say that you can lock them together when you put them back to back. But, and you must heed this warning, you mustn't do this." She stopped and waited as if inviting the girls to question her.

"...err, why?"

"Because," the woman continued, satisfied. "Because it will bring about your DOOM!"

A silence fell between them. The girls glanced at each other, then back at the old woman. "...our what?"

"Your DOOM!"

"But what actually happens?"

"DOOM!"

"And, what if we just-"

"DOOM!"

"But we want-"

"DOOOOOOOOM!!!"

The old lady seemed a little out of breath after the last one, so the girls nodded slowly, not wanting to be the cause of her having a heat-attack. "Okay, we won't..." Then, smiling all the way, they made their escape from the shop. Once they were outside, the girls burst out laughing, and for the whole way home they took turns pretending to be the "doom bringer", shrieking about random people's impending DOOM.


Theoli decided to stay over that night, with permission from Isaviel's carers, and over the course of dinner and the movies they had all watched together the strange exchange between the girls and the little old lady were forgotten. It was only as they were getting ready to go to bed that Theoli suddenly got an attack of the giggles over it.

"How weird was that woman?"

"What, the DOOM woman?" Isaviel snorted. "I think she may not have been all there."

Theoli picked up her necklace and looked on the other side. "Do you think it's true?" She laughed at the look she got from her friend. "I mean, do you think they go together?"

"No idea," she replied, drying her hair with a towel. "But we shouldn't try. You know, what with all the DOOM we could bring." She grinned at the reflection of Theoli in the mirror, seeing that she was grinning too. She then hung the towel up and sat beside her friend, looking at the back of her own necklace. "It looks like they go together, what with all the grooves and stuff."

"Wanna give it a go?"

"If we get DOOMed, I am blaming you entirely."

Theoli rolled her eyes. "I wouldn't expect anything less."

They put the necklaces together, back to back, and as they pressed the two locked together with a slight 'click'. For a while nothing happened, and the two girls both sighed, slightly disappointed that they'd built themselves up for a fall; that old bat had completely and utterly tricked them. After a minute, they began to feel slightly dizzy.

"...uh oh. Doom approaching?"

"I think-"

Isaviel never got to finish her sentence. At that moment the floor had seemingly turned to a viscous liquid and the girls had begun to sink, slowly; Isaviel tried to pull her hand from the melting floor but couldn't move it, as if it was actually grabbing hold of her and pulling. As she sank further she realised that they would fall through the ceiling to the kitchen below but found that her voice had abandoned her - they could do nothing more than just sink with increasing velocity. When floor level reached her face Isaviel held her breath and closed her eyes tightly, hoping that they didn't hurt themselves when they landed on the hard stone floor.

But the pain never came.

When Isaviel's eyes fluttered open, she found herself lying on the grass, staring up into the tree canopies. Far above her there were birds flying in the daytime sky. Smiling, she closed her eyes again, satisfied that they were in a safe place.

Wait. She sat bolt upright, then choked as the chain around her neck stopped her halfway, causing her to give a rather uncouth 'GACK' and fall back, hitting her head on the ground. Groaning, she looked to her side and saw Theoli, and then the necklaces which were still attached. Isaviel's actions had woken her friend, who was rubbing her eyes and yawning as Isaviel separated the two amulets.

"Wha-happen?"

"No clue. We're... in a forest."

Theoli blinked, then looked around. "...so we are. How odd."

Isaviel stood up and brushed herself down, noting that they were wearing normal day-wear instead of the pyjamas they were in moments earlier. Then again, they'd just fallen through the floor into a forest.

"Are you sure the necklaces didn't have secret crack compartments or something?"

"I think we'd have noticed," Isaviel said, offering Theoli a hand. The other girl took it, then shrugged. They turned and looked deeper into the forest. "Know where we are?" Then when Theoli gave her an incredulous stare, "...sorry."

"Ah, girls," a voice said, scaring them both out of their thoughts. They turned in unison to see who was there and saw an old man with a long, white beard and half-moon spectacles smiling at them. He was wearing a robe in a rather obscene shade of purple, with a hat that matched it perfectly. "We've been expecting you."