DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Potter universe, it is a playground made by JKR, and we authors are playing in it.
A/N: This story is basically, the diary of Lord Voldemort, a jorunal he kept after he was resurrected (not the Horcrux), containing the problems he faced in his goal of world domination.
Written to be humourous, like the movie, 'Baby's Day Out.' If you find it stupid then don't bother.
Chapter 1: The Companion Exchange Day
This book is the property of Lord Voldemort
Location: Voldemort's Hideout.
Time: 11:30pm
Dear Diary,
Today was a stressful day, If I knew I would have to endure such incidents to achieve my goal of world domination, I would have committed suicide long ago.
For now I am lying on one of my couches, in the drawing room, thrown out of my room by a hell cat of a girl, reasons for her being in my room will soon be apparent.
Today started as a normal day, I first woke up at 5:30 am, I rolled over and looked at my Mickey mouse clock on my bedside table, it was too dark in my bedroom, and was feeling too lazy to pull out my wand from under my pillow, I asked my clock, "What time is it?"
It replied, "5:30am, go back to sleep." And I promptly fell asleep again.
I woke up at 11:00am, sunrays were falling into my room, I stretched and yawned, I dismounted from my bed throwing back the flowery covers, and put my feet in my fluffy slippers, I like those slippers they make a very pleasant squishy sound when I walk, It's sad I can't go out in those slippers, have to maintain the appearances, being a Dark Lord is no easy matter.
I looked out of the window, it was a beautiful day, perfect for catching up with my plans of world domination. I pulled on my pitch black, dark robes, I don't like these robes, I prefer pink or yellow but damn the previous Dark Lords for starting The Black Wardrobe Tradition.
According to the tradition anyone who didn't wear black robes, can't take any followers and proclaim themselves as Dark Lord.
Well I left my room and cast a very strong locking charm on the door, and put some nasty wards, it wouldn't be desirable for any of my followers to find out my Teddy Bear collection.
As I turned, I saw Avery coming out of his room, still looking sleepy but he too had his black Death Eater robes on, It was a tradition in our place to drink two cups of coffee before brushing, we always had breakfast first thing in the morning, after we are fully awake, some of us who hadn't brushed for a long time went to the bathroom and brushed, I for one just cast a, "Scourgify," and went about my business.
Avery approached me and said sleepily, "Good morning my Lord." I nodded and stopped on the top of the stairs, waiting for him to bend and kiss the hem of my robes, Avery bent sleepily and stumbled into me, I tried to hold the railing, but then I remembered that there was no railing on the stairs, the funds were running low, and we were not able to fix the railing, so I did the only thing I could,
I shrieked and fell down the stairs, Avery on top of me, both of us yelling and banging on each step, I struck a step then another, "AAh, Ouch, Ohh, Damn, EEEE, Oww…."
I and Avery struck every stair and fell into the kitchen, "CRASHHH."
I pushed Avery away from where he was lying on top of me and panted, then I saw Severus Snape sitting on a chair on the dining table, I had forgotten it was his visiting day, to provide me with information about that old fool Dumbledore.
Snape was sitting on a chair reading the Daily Prophet, at my crashing into the kitchen he lowered his paper, looked over at me, lying on the floor, I tried to look dignified, as much as I can while panting on the floor, Snape took a sip of his coffee from his personal Batman mug, and again hid his face behind the paper.
Barty Crouch who was working on the stove, wearing a flowery apron looked over at me, "Good Morning my Lord," and then went back to preparing Sandwiches. Barty was an excellent cook, however his self-proclaimed apprentice Bella wasn't.
I had stopped sending Barty on missions, because then Bella had to prepare food, and it made me sick.
However, seeing me on the floor, Bella rushed towards me and jumped over my chest, "My Lord, are you alright?"
I choked, I wanted to say, 'No bloody woman I am not right, I have just dropped from a bloody flight of stairs, broken 50% of bloody bones, and you are sitting on my bloody chest.'
But I can't say any of this because she was sitting on my chest, so I did the only thing I could, I choked and sputtered. She leaned into my ear, caressing my chest, "Talk to me my Lord, Talk to me!"
But I can't say anything, her hands were running up my body, and my lungs were squashed under her weight. I tried to push her over myself, but she grabbed my collar, and shook me, she looked at the death eaters surrounding us, "I think our Lord has fallen unconscious."
I tried to say, 'Get off my chest woman.' But all that came out was, "Air."
Lucius was staring at me, "Dark Lord's face is turning blue, he needs some air."
I said in my mind, 'Thank you Lucius.'
Then Lucius said, "Bella, why don't you give him some air?"
I thought, 'what? NO!,' But Bella was nodding her head, "You are right Lucius, our Lord needs some air, I will give him some air."
I tried to speak, but the bloody woman clutched my throat in one hand, I tried to get up but she had straddled my chest, I looked around wildly and noticed my wand lying a foot away, I shot my hand towards it but Bella had pinned down my arms, "Don't wolly my Lord, Bella will take care of little Voldey," she said in her mocking baby tongue.
I looked around helplessly and caught Severus's eye, he seemed to be enjoying himself, I promised to myself I will give him a slow painful death.
I saw my doom approaching, Bella caught my neck and pressed her mouth to mine.
I never experienced a dementor's kiss but it certainly was better than this, and free of saliva.
I tried to keep my mouth closed but that bitc… I mean witch bit my lip, and as soon as I screamed she pushed her tongue in my mouth, I was a Parseltongue, but it doesn't mean any stupid witch can stuff her serpant in my mouth. My focus was only on one thing, not to swallow the woman's saliva, which she was spewing by liters in my mouth.
Behind me I heard camera flashing, I promised myself to give a slow painful death to Rookwood too, he was a photo maniac, taking pictures of everything.
Ten minutes later I was lying on the floor, gasping and spluttering, it seemed that Bella had suck whatever air was in my lungs, and taken my lungs away to boot.
Everyone was complementing Bella on her life sucking skills, she basked in the attention, gotten from 'Saving' their lord.
In a daze I slowly picked myself from the floor and a smirking Snape handed me a towel. I said in my mind, 'Soon your usefulness will end then you will die a horrible death Snape.'
But all that I said was, "Thanks Severus."
Then I took a chair, and smiled evilly at my followers, it came out as a grimace, my ribs were still hurting. Bella tried to spoon feed me but I ignored her.
I munched my toast, "After you all have breakfasted, meet me in the throne room."
Dolohov muttered, "More like a chair room."
I said, "What did you say?"
"Well my lord, it does not contain any throne at all, all it does have is a chair."
I pulled out my wand, I was dying to this since I woke up, "Crucio."
Dolohov who had just taken a swig of pumpkin juice, screamed and spattered Bella while spitting out juice, Bella drenched in his spit and juice, screamed and threw her plate at the screaming death eater, who dropped to the floor in agony of the curse, and the plate hit Severus in the head.
Severus slowly removed the eggs from his head and looked at the woman in a mounting fury, he pulled out his wand, a flash of light, and Bella ducked behind Avery, who was pulled into the air by his ankle, Avery's robes dropped to his head and his skinny, pallid legs and Superman underpants were visible.
Soon a food fight started, I ducked a pastry thrown by Peter at me, Flash, I heard Rookwood hard at work, taking photos of the incident, Mulciber was yelling, Crabbe and Goyle were throwing chicken legs at everyone in sight.
I turned to see a Strawberry pie, heading towards my head, I tried to duck, but Strawberry pies were my favourite, I hesitated, and SPLASH, I ducked under a table and sneakily tried to lick the cream on my face but then, Flash, I yelled, "Rookwood."
I sneaked a glance and saw Severus banishing plate after plate at Bella who hid behind her husband and his brother, Lastrange brothers were trying to parry the plates, until a screaming Dolohov kicked them, they fell to the floor and a plate struck Bella, who shrieked and ran towards Snape, who promptly cast a disillusion charm on himself.
Bella looked around, then begun throwing eggs in every direction.
Bang. The kitchen door opened, "What is going on, in here?"
Everyone froze, Barty had gone to get milk from the supermarket nearby, and he had returned, he looked around at his beloved kitchen, everything and everyone was covered in food, Bella was in the process of throwing eggs everywhere, Crabbe and Goyle stopped throwing chicken legs, Avery stopped strangling Mulciber with sausages, only Dolohov was still screaming, I hastily waved my wand, "Finite."
Then Snape appeared, an egg dangling in his hair.
Just then a pie came flying and hit Barty on the face and Rookwoods came into action, "Flash."
"That's enough," Barty roared, and picked up a broom lying under a table, "Out, get out."
He started whacking everybody, Death Eaters shouted and ran from kitchen, it pleasured me greatly when he managed a good smack on Bella's backside, soon only Barty and I were left in the kitchen, I scourgified myself and said, "Good job Barty." He looked at me and said, "You too Voldy, get out."
"How dare you…"
"I said GET OUT." He raised his broom and ran towards me, I forgetting all the dignity ran from the room.
Bang. The kitchen door slammed shut behind me, I proceeded to follow my Death Eaters, to my chair room…. Err I meant Throne room.
Avery was walking in front of me, he pushed the door open and went inside, I thought he would hold the door open for me, I proceeded to follow him. WHAM.
The door struck me in the face, it is good I don't have a nose or it would have been broken, with watering eyes I stumbled in the room to see my Death Eaters standing in groups chatting, I cleared my throat, they turned to look at me and then again resumed chatting.
By God, getting good minions is very difficult.
I went to the raised Dias in the middle of the room, and looked at my chair, it was ornately gilded, comfortable arm chair, however not a throne, but I would die (again) before I admit it to Dolohov.
I turned and sat at the chair, "AAAHHH" I immediately shot up, rubbing my backside, I bent and picked up a nail which was placed on the chair, "Who did this?"
I looked at my minions, everyone's head was bowed, they knew I am a master legilimens, so they never met my eyes, however Dolohov snickered. I glanced at him and he only laughed harder. I tried some occlumency exercises, it wouldn't be good if the Potter boy entered my mind and saw me in such humiliating circumstances.
I had barely sat at the chair when there was a flash of fire. I jumped in surprise.
Dumbledore had appeared in the middle of my throne room, "Hello Tom, How are you doing?"
I looked at the old wizard, he was wearing bright pink robes, on which purple balloons were floating, I watched as a yellow hippogriff sauntered across his robes, I shook my head and looked at his feet, which were covered in fluffy slippers, on his head was a 3 feet high wizard's hat on which sat a phoenix.
His eyes twinkling he approached me, and my minions never even thought about taking out their wands, I however gave Dumbledore my best No. 2 sneer and said, "Why have you came here Dumbledore?"
Dumbledore stopped and pulled out his wand, at which two of my fearsome Death Eaters shrieked, one feinted, and three ran from the room, Dumbledore only twitched his wand and a revolving, comfortable chintz armchair appeared, I conceded it was better than mine.
Dumbledore looked at me over the top of his half-moon spectacles his eyed twinkling and said, "Tom, have you forgotten today is Saturday?"
I said, "Oh ofcourse, the Companion Exchange day."
The Companion Exchange Day, was a tradition between Death Eaters and the Dumbledore's army, for every Saturday and Sunday we exchange one or two of our members or students.
Dumbledore said, "Yes, if you give me permission, I will bring a new student, she wanted to study your Death Eater ways."
I sneered, "A girl, please Dumbledore, she will be screaming for you take her back by tomorrow."
"Now, now Tom, don't jump to conclusions, you tell me which of your Death Eaters will accompany me."
"Take Dolohov."
"Alright, Fawkes, bring Ms. Granger."
A flash of fire,
"What, a mudblood, no Dumbledore can't you send someone else."
"Tom don't be silly Ms. Granger is a wonderful girl, I am sure you all will enjoy her company."
Another flash of fire, and four of my Death Eaters made cat-calls, two whistled appreciatively, and three jeered.
I looked behind Dumbledore's head and saw a 16 year old girl, her brown, curly hair falling in waves around her face, she had put on mascara and light pink lipstick, a blue heart necklace nestled in her fairly nice cleavage which was a little visible through her sleeveless, cute tank top, pink in colour (my favourite colour), she was wearing blue shorts, barely 2 inches below her waist, her long toned legs on display adorned by high heels.
I gulped, and Rookwood's camera flashed madly as she sauntered over to my chair…. Err throne.
And she said, "Hello Tommy boy."
To be continued…..
A/N: My Second story, Do tell me whether you like it or not, I am writing two books I will update chapters alternatingly.
Those who have reviewed 'Harry Potter and Voldemort's Remorse', don't forget to review this one too.
