The Many Failed Romances of Link
by Galaxy Girl and Saridaru-Chan

A/N: No offense to romance lovers, but frankly, we can't stand them. LOL... Saridaru and I will alternate chapters on this one, the first two being done by yours truly. (Galaxy Girl) Also, thanks to Matt Groening and the Simpsons crew for the spirit guide inspiration.

~*~*~*~*~* Chapter One: Link and the Divine Bovine *~*~*~*~*~*~

"He's around here somewhere, you guys!" screams a high voice from far over the hills.
"We won't let him get away that easily!" adds another.
"Hey, Look! Footprints!" another points out.
The comment struck a pain into Link's gut... The Hero of Time ducks farther into the bush where he has taken shelter from the rampaging hormonally-driven females.
If I hadn't gone to that party in the first place, I wouldn't be in this fix now... He thinks to himself, breaking a cold sweat.
"When I find that guy, I'm going to squeeze him until he pops!" a new voice yells.
Link watches the bouncing torches and flashlights emanating from over the hill. Oh crap... they're getting closer!
Zelda just HAD to propose to me at that party, didn't she? And now all of them are after me to see who I really want to marry...
Good grief, why did I have to be born handsome?

The torches gradually move away, and soon they fade altogether.
Link dares to move his cramping leg. Rustle, rustle...
"I HEAD SOMETHING!" one of the girls shrieks.
I THOUGHT THEY WERE GONE!
Without stopping to think, he stands and dashes away as fast as he can towards the trees of the forest.
"THERE HE GOES!" screams a girl.
"AAGGGGHHH!" he lets out, about-facing and running like a scared pony.

Over miles and miles of trees and bushes and grass and hills Link runs, until finally, he feels that his lungs are going to explode for lack of air.
He stops to take a breath for only a minute, and he hears the advancing pounding of horse's hooves.
It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that Malon had found one of her father's horses.
"COME BACK HERE, SWEETIE!" she screams, spinning a rope above her head to envy even the best of cowboys.
Link ducks under a fence and trips, but regains his balance and races off again.
The sun is just starting to duck under the hills of Hyrule for the night, and Link knows that if he can ditch the girls until dark, he'll be able to rest peacefully for a while.
Malon has other ideas.
"YIPPEE-TI-TI-AYYY!" she shrieks, and sends the rope flying towards him.
"EEK!" he gasps again, ducking just before the rope snags him like a calf at a rodeo.
Instead, the rope snags an inconveniently placed rock, and as Malon's horse takes off running again, the pretty red-haired Hylian girl is yanked off of horseback and thrown into an even more inconveniently placed puddle of mud.
Sputtering and spitting mud from her mouth, Malon directs her comrades, who are quickly approaching. "HE'S HEADING FOR THE LAKE!" she screams, as the girls take off after the quickly retreating figure of their lover-boy.

Leaping two fences in record time, Link arrives at the serene Lake Hylia. Not-so-serene anymore however, what with the wailing shrieks of girls racing for their reluctant boyfriend.
Left without any other choice for retreat, Link dives into Lake Hylia and treads water, hiding behind the large jetty on which the lake lab is placed.
He can hear the girls right above him, searching for him.
"Where did he go?"
"He can't have gone far!"
Link suddenly realizes that he has eaten too much at the annual Goron City Chili Dinner earlier that day...
Oh no! Must... not...
"FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!"
He winces, and suddenly six pairs of eyes stare down at him.
"THERE HE IS!" shrieks Zelda.
"Get him!" Saria yells, equally loudly.
"Just WATCH THIS!" yells the voice most feared by Link, as Princess Ruto swan dives into the glassy lake and zips after him.
OH NO! RUTO'S A ZORA! Link suddenly realizes, as he hears an outboard-motor approaching behind him. Actually, it was the wake of the water behind Ruto's fins, capable of 60 mph travel in the water.
If I can reach the shore, I can head for Gerudo Valley... But the problem is getting there!
"I'M COMING, LINKY-POO!" shrieks the overzealous Zora.
Link reaches the island in the center of the lake, and sees the torches of the landlubber girls heading his way over the bridge. Ruto is rapidly approaching by sea.
"I must do what I must do!" he shrugs to himself, as he saws away at the ropes supporting the suspension bridge from the shore.
Nabooru, out in front, skids to a halt. "NO! LINK! DON'T CUT THE-"
SPLOOOOSH!

Now to stop Ruto! Link sighs, staring at the fin sticking out of the water like a JAWS movie.
Dun duh... dun duh... DUNDUHDUNDUHDUNDUHDUNDUHDUNDUHDUNNNNNN...
"SORRY RUTO!" he yells to her as he loads an Ice Arrow onto his bow.
"NO LINK!" Ruto sputters, poking her head out of the water. "You really... REALLY don't wanna do that..."
WHAM!
CHINK!
Ruto freezes into a solid block of ice and sinks into the lake.
Link quickly dives in again and swims back to the main shore, just as the rest of the girls wash up like barnacles or dead jellyfish, or something like that.
"LINK! COME BACK!" Impa cries.
"WE JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU!" Anju yells.
Then he's off again, this time heading back to the forest where he'll be safe.

Panting and gasping for air, Link stops near Lon-Lon Ranch, and stares at the rising moon.
Too bad it's a full moon tonight... I could have snuck home under cover of darkness... Hey wait. It's ALWAYS a full moon here!
In a panic, he sees the torches coming from Lake Hylia once again. He's got to find somewhere to hide... and QUICK!
Spying the lights from Lon-Lon Ranch, Link receives a shred of hope. If he can sneak into one of the cattle sheds at Lon-Lon, he'll be hidden until the morning...
Quickly scaling the outer walls of the ranch, Link sneaks across the empty horse pasture to the cattle shed at the far end of the ranch.
To his luck, he finds it abandoned.
They must have moved all the cows into that new fancy barn by the house... He sighs, closing and locking the door behind him.
"There's no windows in here. No way will they EVER find me!" he laughs.
Link grabs a lantern from the corner and turns up the juice. Soon the dark cattle shed is lit and rather cozy.
Pulling a bag of chips from his pocket, Link eats them happily, savoring the sounds of silence.
"Boy, how can anyone stand to have a wife?" he laughs. "With those girls around, all I'd ever get is nagging... Hey... I kinda have a headache... Woo... Heh heh heh, wow... I've never seen spots THAT color before..."
Unfortunately, Link had forgotten the number one rule about burning propane lanterns. ALWAYS use them in an area with proper oxygen flow, or you'll get carbon monoxide poisoning, pass out, and slowly suffocate to death. Uh oh...

What happens next could be described as... Well, a wongo dream.

Link opens his eyes to find himself in a huge, lush desert. Sand is blowing all around, and huge rainbow-colored cacti are sprouting up wherever he looks. The night sky is littered with stars (never before seen in Hyrule... heh heh heh...) and a bright full moon.
"Wow... something weird must have been in those potato chips." Link says to himself, scratching his head. "This doesn't look like any desert I've ever seen."
He stands up, and looks around him. There seems to be a large structure of some sort to the north, and everywhere else looks barren and well, deserted.
"HELLO!" he screams out.
"HELLOOOOO!" Link's voice echoes back.
"IS ANYONE OUT THERE?"
"IS ANYONE OUT THEEEEEEEERE?"
"STOP IT!"
"STOP ITTTTT..."
Link sighs, and decides to walk towards the structure. So he does.
(I bet you saw that coming...)

Link whistles when he finds the structure to be a huge Mayan-style pyramid. He has no other choice but to climb up.
Every step he takes, the pyramid seems to get taller and taller, but finally, the exhausted hero reaches his destination. The top of the pyramid!
And there, he finds something amazing... something so incredible, so outrageous, it can only be described as...
Nothing. Absolutely Nothing.
"Well THAT was a waste of time," he groans, spitting over the side. "It is a nice view, though."
Link becomes aware of strange flute music playing from somewhere nearby, and he looks around to see exactly where.
There is no one in sight.
But Link grins when he sees a figure dancing across the sand, playing a flute.
"HEY YOU!" he yells. "WHERE ARE WE!?"
There is no answer, just more flute playing.
"ANSWER ME, PLEASE?!"
No answer, just more flute playing.
"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
The figure stops and looks up. Link gasps to see that it has no facial features. It's not even 3-dimensional, for cryin' out loud. It looks like a flat paper drawing, a neon purple caricature of a flute player with long wild hair.
"I'M PLAYING 'STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN', YOU DOPE!" the flute player yells back.
"Where am I?" cries Link.
"WHERE ARE YOU? THAT'S A LITTLE SELFISH, DON'T YOU THINK? AFTER ALL, I'M HERE TOO!"
Link groans. "All right, FINE. Where are WE?"
"BETTER!" the flute player shouts up. "YOU ARE IN THE SPIRIT REALM!"
"And where the heck is that?" Link calls.
"IT'S WHERE PEOPLE GO TO HAVE SPIRITUAL VISIONS OF INSPIRATION!" the flute player yells back, continuing its rendition of Led Zeppelin's classic song.
"Huh? Who the heck are you?"
"I'M KOKOPELLI, THE MYSTERIOUS FLAUTIST OF THE SPIRIT REALM!"
"Why am I here?"
"HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW? I ONLY ENTERTAIN AND MYSTIFY YOU. YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE THAT."
"Where's my Spirit Guide?" Link yells back to Kokopelli.
"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, THE DEPARTMENT OF MISSING PERSONS?" Kokopelli screams back, continuing the song.
"Um... how did I get here?"
"WHY WOULD I KNOW?" Kokopelli shrugs. "CHANCES ARE, YOU DID SOMETHING STUPID OR CARELESS OR GOT INJURED, AND NOW YOU'RE HAVING A SPIRITUAL VISION OF INSPIRATION IN YOUR UNCONSCIOUSNESS!"
Then Kokopelli, finishing "Stairway to Heaven", leaped into the air and vanished.

"This place is weird." Link sighs, shaking his head.
"Oh, you have no idea," a voice says.
Link jumps in surprise and spins around. "WHO'S THERE?"
Standing before him on the other side of the top of the pyramid, is a wild, brave, graceful and beautiful embodiment of Link's soul, a majestic cow painted with lovely designs of spiritual stuff.
Yes, that's right. A cow.
"Who are you?" Link gasps.
"I am your Spirit Guide. I shall guide you through the visions that you will see tonight, and I shall help you to influence your final decision, that will guide you through the rest of your life. Or, at least until your next Spiritual Vision," the cow explains.
"My Spirit Guide is a COW?" Link says, his eyes widening.
"Yes, pal, I AM a cow. You'd better watch it. I could just send you back to those hormonally-charged teen girls..."
"NO! NO!" Link gasped. "Please! Anything but that!"
"Good," said the cow. "You can call me Al."
"And you can call me BETTY! And you can be my long-lost PAL!" Link sings merrily.
"WHAT?" Al asks.
"Um... it's a Paul Simon song, and... er... never mind."
Al the cow shook his head and then looked at Link seriously. "You are here in the Spirit Realm because you are debating over something."
"What is that?" asks Link.
"Love. You have many female admirers, but you do not know which is right for you. You feel many outside forces tugging you to be with each woman, but you do not know if she is right for you at all."
"HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?" Link gasps.
"I'M YOUR SPIRIT GUIDE, YOU DOPE! Of course I know that!"
Link shrugs. "I knew that. Anyway, on with your spiritual rambling."
Al rolls his eyes. "You do not even know if you were meant to have a true love at all..."
"Exactly," Link nods, a bit more serious this time.
"Since I am your Spirit Guide, tonight I will help you to make your decision. Through the power of spiritual visions, you will have the experiences of being married to each of these young women."
"... Don't follow."
"It's not that difficult to understand. Listen. I will sed you into a dream sequence, and in that dream sequence, you will be married to one of the girls to see what life is like as her husband. You can only live one day in each dream sequence, and then when the night is over, you will know which girl is right for you." Al said solemnly.
"Oh COOL! This'll be like... 'A Christmas Carol'... or 'It's a Wonderful Life', or something like that!" Link grins. "Or even better... 'Bedazzled'! Elizabeth Hurley is so HOT in that movie, and..."
Al is staring at Link again.
"Oh, sorry Al."
"It's all right. TRY to pay attention now, PLEASE?"
"OK."
Al nods. "Yes. But before we can begin your journey, I have to give you the big four rules."
"RULES? I thought this was gonna be COOL!"
"It will be. But there are some rules you have to follow, too." Al says, handing Link a sheet of magic Spirit Realm paper with four simple rules typewritten on it.

RULES FOR DREAM SEQUENCES...

Congratulations! You have earned ONE (1) complimentary spiritual journey compliments of... Well, whoever decides to give you these things. In your journey, you shall live in seven different scenarios, each of which is modeled after a single day in the life of you, after you have married one of your current suitors/female admirers. However, we DO have rules about this sort of thing, so follow the rules and you will be 100% satisfied with your spiritual voyage.

1. A person experiencing a dream sequence cannot tell anyone in the dream sequence that it is a dream. This'll mess up the true flow of things, so don't make us warn you again.
2. A person experiencing a dream sequence cannot leave the presence of his/her wife/husband. You only have one day to live in each scenario, so don't screw it up by running away.
3. Remember, it's only a dream. You cannot truly die, be injured, or get any type of disease or injury that is terminal, chronic, or disfiguring. You cannot be eaten by monsters or anything else. But, you do feel pain in these dream sequences, for a realistic effect.
4. THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE: There is NO leaving the scenario before the 12-hour day is up! NOTHING will get you out of there before the time of 6:00 PM. Not attempting suicide, not pinching yourself, not even splashing cold water on yourself. You gotta hold out until 6. Sorry, but we have to pay for every hour of dreaming, and if you waste it we'll have been wasting our money.

Have fun, and most importantly: Be guided...


"No leaving at all? Even if it gets really, really bad?" Link asks Al.
"No leaving at all."
"Oh," Link sighs.
"Also, I will be able to speak to you in the dream and answer any questions you have, but no one else will be able to see me or hear me."
"But then I'll look crazy talking to you!" Link whines.
"Hey, you're in a spiritual dream. I'm a COW, and I'm your spirit guide, too. Isn't that crazy enough?" Al shrugs.
Suddenly, Link's feet are surrounded by a purplish-pink glow in a circular pattern.
"Whoa! What's that?" asks Link.
"It is time for your first journey," Al nods.
Suddenly, the theme song from "The Dating Game" begins to play, and a projector screen lowers from nowhere. Al points at the screen with his hoof.
"Our first lady comes from Hyrule Castle Town... a bustling blonde with superpowers and a heart of gold, she comes from wealthy backgrounds and says her hobbies are taking long walks through the garden, eating Chinese food, and drinking margaritas. Link, your first dream sequence will feature your future married life with..."
The girl's picture lights up onscreen as Al reads her name.
"PRINCESS ZELDA OF HYRULE!"
"Hey, she's pretty cute. This'll be great!" Link grins.
"Don't assume too much," Al warns.
"Huh? Whaddya mean, Al?"
"Oh, nothing... Now hurry up! You're wasting precious Spiritual Vision time!"
The light got brighter and brighter, and Link was lifted high into the sky.
Visions began to flash around him. First, a happy couple kissing on the beach... then a beautiful wedding ceremony, and finally...
WHAM!