The Táin Bó Cuailnge

The Last Battle1

Medb is almost killed

Medb had set up a shelter of shields to guard the rear of the men of Ireland. She had sent off the Brown Bull of Cuailnge to Cruachan by a roundabout road, with fifty of his heifers and eight messengers so that, whoever escaped, the Brown Bull of Cuailnge would be got safely away, as she had sworn.

Then Medb got her gush2 of blood.

"Fergus" she said, "take over the shelter of shields at the rear of the men of Ireland until I relieve myself."

"By god" Fergus said, "You have picked a bad time for this."

"I can't help it." Medb said. "I'll die if I can't do it3."

So Fergus took over the shelter of shields as the rear of the men of Ireland and Medb relieved herself. It dug three great channels, each big enough to take a household.4 The place is called Fual Medba, Medb's Foul Place, ever since. Cúchulainn found her like this, but he held his hand, He wouldn't strike her from behind.5

"Spare me," Medb said.

"If I killed you dead," Cúchulainn said, "it would only be right."

But he spared her, not being a killer of women.6

How Zoë sees it:

Medb had set up a shelter of shields to guard the rear of the men of Ireland. She had sent off the Brown Bull of Cuailnge to Cruachan by a roundabout road, with fifty of his heifers and eight messengers so that, whoever escaped, the Brown Bull of Cuailnge would be got safely away, as she had sworn.

She leaned down to pick up her sword and saw little trickles of blood running down her legs… she had been wondering why she'd been getting those horrible pains in her stomach over the past few days.

"Uh, Fergus." She said standing up and feeling the blood flow become heavier. But the large man hadn't responded, "Fergus!" she snapped. He turned to her, " You better take over the shelter of shields at the rear of the men. It's that time of the month and its heavy."

"Ah man, Medb, you sure as hell chose a good time for it."

Medb eyes burned with irritation and she snapped, "I'm sorry, I'll just wind my body block and ask my uterus to wait a few days shall I!" Her tone was threatening and sarcastic.

Fergus knew better then to attempt any reply he simply nodded and took over the shelter of shields at the rear of the men.

Medb found a quiet place and attempted to clean herself up. Nothing spectacular happened, nothing gushed, no channels were formed, not even tiny ditches, and any place name that arose was out of pure coincidence.

Cúchulainn found her like this. He raised his sword, but found his curiosity was getting the better of him, the woman before him was squatting, but he couldn't make out why, he then saw the blood on her legs. It took a moment for things to be shuffled around in his young mind. "Eeeewwwww!" he squealed, when it made sense, "Gross!"

Medb flung around in shock, and saw the great mass of a man cringing and hopping about behind her.

"That's sooo disgusting." He wailed

"Oh c'mon." Medb said, "Its just a little bit of blood, its not like you haven't seen tonnes in your time."

"Yeah." he cringed, "But its got chunky bits… and it's coming from your…" he shuddered "Eeewwwww!" He clutched his sword and ran away making grossed out noises all the way back to his camp.

1 This extract was taken from Thomas Kinsella's edition of the Táin Bó Cuailnge, published in Mountarth by The Dolmen Press, in 1985… I just dun wanna get sued…

2 I dunno how many times I gotta say this… we don't gush… we drip

3 Riiiiiiiight…

4 Now isn't that the grossest image you've ever come across

5 Yet he kills tonnes of people from behind with his sling… a stone in a sling that gets tossed.

6 Yes… he doesn't kill women; despite the fact he slaughtered Idunnohowmany of Medb's handmaids thinking they were her. And he swore to kill Medb the moment he set eyes on her