Screwover
"You know what?" Miley said, handing Lilly a tray full of gummy worms. "I think I'm going to give up on being Hannah Montana."
"But why?" asked her friend.
"Well, I think I'm getting a crush on Ashley."
"But we hate her!"
"Do you have to commence ever question with 'but'?"
"No," Lilly said, scowling. "I just thought—"
"Lilly, it's time to move on. Have you ever had lesbian tendencies?"
"No, actually I think only guys will ever attract me."
"Are you certain?" Miley asked. "Because I know something that will induce you to change your mind."
"Really? What?"
"Sit in that chair over there," Miley said, pointing to a black loveseat.
"Okay," Lilly complied.
Miley planted her butt on Lilly's lap. "Now, Lilly, please don't freak out."
"Whatcha planning to do?"
"Something glorious, don't you worry a feather, dear!" Miley exclaimed, putting her index finger to Lilly's lips. Then she turned around.
A fart emerged from her butt and seemed to engulf Lilly. The latter wanted to scream but felt love bubbles bursting in her belly. So this was what it was like to crush on a girl…why hadn't she noticed how spectacular Miley was before? If only she were her girlfriend and not just her best friend…
"See what I mean?" Miley asked. "It always does the trick."
"But it was a f—" Lilly could not bring herself to say the word.
"Farts are beautiful, Lilly. It may take you a while to understand that, but it's true."
Then Miley got off Lilly lap and swayed her hips, dangling her butt as if it were a delicious fruit. Lilly wondered what it would be like to kiss her friend's posterior…
What am I doing? Lilly thought. I'm supposed to like Oliver, not Miley. But her fart is so luscious! It wouldn't be wrong, would it?
The next day at school, Amber was sick, leaving Ashley alone. Miley went over to comfort her, and Lilly stayed away. Lilly watched as Ashley and Miley farted on one another, their butts placed adjacently on the table. Why didn't anyone else notice? Looking closer, Lilly saw that Miley had put on cosmetics that made her look uglier than her normal self. Ashley actually appeared to be prettier today. And Lilly could see that Ashley was farting on Miley more than the latter released on the former.
After school Miley joined Lilly and laughed her heart out. "Man, that was the most fun I ever had! Ashley is such a great farter—why couldn't she fart on me all the time?"
"I'm sure she'd like to," Lilly said in a hurt tone.
"Oh, Lilly, don't tell me you'd like to fart on me too? I mean, I'd be perfectly fine with it. You shouldn't be upset, my dear."
"I wouldn't know if I was farting right," Lilly said, modestly.
"I can show you, if you'd like. Especially since I'm not going to be Hannah Montana anymore. I have so much extra time."
"Yes, show me."
Miley took Lilly to the broom closet at the local cinema and showed her how to sit so that the fart came out nice and smoothly. She had to demonstrate several times before Lilly understood. "There are more complicated farts," Miley told her. "But let's save those for another day. Some of them are illegal."
"How can a fart be illegal?"
"Well, the woman who invented this love from farts, Natalie Sweesy, was really a sadomasochist, which means she received pleasure from both inflicting and receiving pain. An illegal fart is one that causes pain to the person it is done on. For instance, the Quao makes you fall desperately in love with the butt of the girl who performs the Quao."
"Is this only a girl thing?"
"Yes. If guys did it it would be disgusting. But for us girls it really is love. Now, let me show you an illegal fart."
Miley moved her butt in an abnormal way and bent her head prayer fashion. "Here it comes!" She released her fart and it felt as if three daggers were being thrust into Lily's chest. "Oww!" Lilly exclaimed.
"Sorry, Lilly. Guess that was a little extreme."
"Teach me how to do that!" Lilly demanded.
"Not yet, some other time. But I have homework to do. Catch you later."
Lilly went home thinking about illegal farts. Wouldn't it be fun to do those on Miley? Or Amber? Or Ashley? It would indeed. She smiled maliciously.
A week later, Miley was found screaming in Ashley's basement. Lilly happened to be walking by the house at the time, and supposed it to be due to an illegal fart. She had to find out. So she had no qualms about bursting into Ashley's house and discovering what horrors her friend was enduring.
