Jocelyn sits in her room, by herself for once. Luke is outside with Clary and her friends by the lake, leaving the farmhouse all to herself. He probably thinks her to still be asleep, but she hasn't been able to get much sleep in a long time. Losing a son does that to a woman.
In his final moments, Jocelyn got the son she'd been looking for. The one who wasn't tainted by his father's wanting, the one who might have been so much greater in another world. She had her green eyed, pale haired son who had a heart and had the blood of angels running through his veins. The son who was reasonable and just... good. Something he would never be anymore.
Jocelyn pulls out another sheet of paper to add to the stacks.
My dear son,
It's another day without you. I didn't get to write to you in the past two weeks. I'm married! I want to think you'd be happy, but I'm not sure. The only side of you I honestly had the chance to know was the demon side that I didn't want. The side that didn't make sense, but made so much. I guess in your final moments, you didn't want him either.
I don't know what else to say to you. I don't know how to begin my apologies still, even if I'm tried to write them down for so many years. Looking back now, the first attempts don't make half of what I feel now. They don't sum up exactly how I feel about my previous mistakes, about what I should have done. I could have spared you of so much pain had I just...
I'm a terrible mother to you, Jonathon. You were never wrong about that, even in your gentlest moments where I was in your thoughts. Instead of trying to raise the child I wanted and give you some sort of salvation, or at least a chance at it, I wanted to destroy the monster I created. I didn't love you, but I loved who could've been. I'm so sorry, my son. I failed you. I hope you forgive me.
Jocelyn puts down the pen, and bites her lip. On certain days, it gets ten times worse than it normally is. Today just happens to be even more so than normal...
Because she recently found she's pregnant with another child.
