it was a smoking hot summer day and you were drinking hot coffee on a hot day in a brown jacket over two wool sweaters. as you were taking a sip of your boiling hot brown liquid you SPLIT IT EVERYWHERE! just then a beautiful tall man with luxurious thick eyebrows came to your rescue and ripped off your jacket and two wool sweaters leaving your upper half exposed in a coffee shop. you felt chilled. he pulls a rag out from under his tiny hat and wiggled his eyebrows in concentration as he cleaned up the mess you had made on yourself. "who….are…..you….", you ask this mysterious eyebrow man. He waggles his eyebrows at you then responds, "I am Denmark! Who are you ms. beautiful young lady?" You blush red enough to make the tomatoes in your mom's garden that you accidentally squashed a few summers ago jealous. "I am (f/n) nice to meet you mr. Denmark but is that your REAL name?" You ask questioningly. "Thats what I f*****cking said" he answered. You gasp in surprise at his use of such vulgar language by a man with such a modest amount of eyebrow hair. "anyways… would you like to take me home i dont have a car it was stolen…..", you ask hesitantly. he chuckles deeply like a clown making you feel weird since you hate clowns but he agrees to take you home in his bright hot red mini van. not unlike those tomatoes in your moms garden that you smashed with a hammer. he throws you in the back of the van with a shotgun. "enemies are all around us, be aware" he says as he closes the van door. you almost regret this decision of getting a ride home with him but feel a rush of excitement as you hold this gun in your hands "what a fun man….." you clutch the shotgun as he drives slowly down the street. as he drives teh two of you slooowly down the street you feel nervousness building up inside of you….. HE yells suddenly slamming on the breaks then flooring it "AN ENEMY APPROACHES ON THE RIGHT SIDE!" HE SCREAMS! you grab your gun ready to fire and end this enemies life. you shoot and miss, but you notice the 90 year old enemy squabble onto the street as denmark accelerates and runs them over. after you take a closer look you realize the enermy is…..YOUR GRANDMA HARRIET! "THATS MY GRANDMA!" "whoops" he says. you start to sob. "we can buryy her body if u want idc." he pulls a shovel out from under his small hat. "find a flat piece of land" he says. "and dont take longer than 10 mins" after you bury your grandma, ypou climb back into the van and he DRIVED YOU TO HIS HOME AND LENDS YOU CLEAN CLOTHES TO WEAR. you are now wearing a smexy beetles t-shirt with some booty shorts you found in the back of his closet. you wonder whos booty shorts they are…"i hate the beetles" he says. "theyre...problematic." you stare at him confused "then why do you have a smexy beetles t?" he looks down not looking you in the eyes….. "it isnt mine it is my… exs….. t-shirt." for some reason, you feel jealous. YOU RIP OFF THE SHIRT AND THROW IT IN THE FIRE PIT "there." you are now shirtless again and regret the decision. you pull out a mumford and sons t-shirt instead. "i love mumford and sons." he says starting wide eyed at the shirt like he has never ever seen it before. "good." you say. " do you like coffee" he asks, as if yoy two didnt meet in a coffee shop. "well….. of course i do…. i love it so much i would take baths in it every day but sadly i have to resort to accidentally spilling it on myself once in a while…" you say in a very srerious tone. "REALLY?" he excalims. "no i was being scarcastic." "oh." it got very quiet…. the wind blew through the house producing a most beautiful sound as he looks you in the eyes and asks "so? coffee?" you nod…..and he pulls coffee from under his small hat. "if you could do that why would you visit a coffee shop" you ask. "idk." you sip at the hot stuff as you burn up by the fire. ah you just love the heat. the flames start to engulf his living room and the kitchen. "DUDE HOLY SHIT UR HOUSE IS OM FIRE?" you scream. he just stands there. "its happened befopre" "shpuld we leave" you ask. " ugh..fine" he says. he throws you over his shpulder and climbs out the window like a man-spider. he jumps out and sets you on the ground, but you collapse. "whats wrong?"" he shoiuts as you cough up a lunge. "i…. i.. into too much smoke *cough cough*" he GASPS! :Oc "i am *cough cough* dying *cough cough* i have… asthmha….." he holds you in his big skinny arsms and brushes the brunt hair out of your untouched face. "please…. dont leave me i was just getting to know you…. i dont know many people who like mumford and sons and spilling coffee on themselves as much as i do…" you cough again as tears flow out of your eyes. "lay me to rest near my grandmas grave… DEnmark i-" you die before you can finish your sentence and he screams out in agaony clutcing your body close to his as he gives his last farewells. then end.