Notes: the characters aren't mine (except for the antagonist), and the story is! This is my entry for the Speedwriting Challenge; my line was "I'm too frightened to be scared."


Marya's arrival in Stalag 13 always seemed to bring about a variety of emotions across the camp—utter vexation from Hogan, elation from LeBeau, and sheer horror for Klink and Schultz. As always, she had brought along her latest flame—some decorated officer named Colonel Versteckt.

Knowing that this would be shaping up for another long night, Hogan gathered his core team around the coffeepot bug—with a bottle of scotch on hand.

"Colonel Versteckt is one of the top cryptologists, Klink-darling," Marya purred. "He is right now in the process of breaking the British code! Soon, all of their communications will be known!"

It was Baker who was the first to let out a quiet curse. Even if she always brought trouble in her wake, Marya had given them a warning they had needed to hear; their communications to London would no longer be secure if Versteckt made any further progress.

"While this is all very interesting," Klink said, stammering in her presence. "I fail to see why this would have anything to do with Stalag 13."

Versteckt let out an annoyed grunt.

"There is one element of the code that eludes me," he said. "But Marya has revealed to me that one of your prisoners would know the code."

And now it was Hogan's turn to curse.

"Every time…" he muttered. "Every time! She just has to drag me into it to make things more 'interesting' for her!"

"Who might this prisoner be?" Klink inquired.

"Why, the British corporal in Hogan's barracks, of course!" Marya exclaimed. "Peter Newkirk is his name, da?"

Newkirk spat a mouthful of scotch across the room as Hogan and the others stared at the coffeepot in utter befuddlement.

"We do have a prisoner here by that name," Klink said. "But are you certain that he's the one you're looking for? He's only a corporal, after all!"

"Corporal or not, Marya was most insistent on the fact that he is the key to breaking the code," Versteckt said. "I even made inquiries to Major Hochstetter; he recalled something about the corporal claiming he had been a cryptologist prior to his capture. Once I break the code, my promotion is assured."

"Your… promotion…" Klink said, bitterly. "Yes, of course."

"So you can see why we are here, Klink darling?" Marya asked. "We wish to have custody of Corporal Newkirk."

"Just like that?" Klink asked. "You wish to have me sign over one of my prisoners to aid in your personal gain?"

"Personal gain!?" Versteckt exclaimed. "Colonel, think about the war effort—about what it will mean for us to break this code! I need that corporal!"

"Well, when you put it that way…" Klink sniveled. "Perhaps something can be arranged…"

"Don't let them take me, Guv!" Newkirk pleaded to Hogan. "Tell them I escaped! Tell them I'm deathly ill! Tell them I got shot! Tell them I got shot while escaping while I was deathly ill!"

"Mon pote, relax," LeBeau said, gently placing a hand on Newkirk's shoulder. "There is no need for you to be scared."

Scared, he says, Newkirk thought. I'm too frightened to be scared.

"Even if le Colonel cannot find a way to stop Versteckt, Marya will be there," LeBeau continued. "She will look after you."

"That does nothing for me nerves," Newkirk stated.

"Alright, hold it," Hogan said. "There's no prize for guessing why she wants Newkirk in on this; she wants me to go along with whatever plan she's got cooking, and this is her way of making sure I don't resist."

"This isn't really like her, though," Carter observed. "Using one of us to reach you? Usually, she just singles you out and we're the ones who go along with the whole thing trying to help you out of the jam."

"That's just it; she's been pointing me out too many times now," Hogan said. "It's amazing that Hochstetter hasn't caught on as it is; she had to single out someone else this time. Newkirk just ended up being the unlucky one this time around."

"Begging your pardon, Guv, but that does nothing for me nerves, either," Newkirk said. "What am I supposed to do!?"

Before Hogan could respond, the sound of Schultz entering the barracks had everyone scrambling to hide the coffeepot as the sergeant entered and, with a look of regret, insisted that he had to bring Newkirk to Klink's office right away. A candy bar convinced him to let Hogan go along.


"As the senior officer of the prisoners, I must register a protest," Hogan was saying, as Versteckt surveyed Newkirk. "It's against the Geneva Convention to force a prisoner of war to work for the enemy—"

"Hold your tongue!" Versteckt snarled. "I could care less if you report my actions to the Red Cross; there will be little they can do. By the time they act on your protest, I'll have retrieved the information I need to bring the war to an end!"

"Forgive me for mentioning the corporal, Hogan-darling," Marya said, her lip turned down into her usual pseudo-sad pout. "But Colonel Versteckt was so persistent; I just had to tell him."

"You will find that I can be very persistent," Versteckt agreed, bringing his face close to Newkirk's.

"I reckon I'll see that for meself soon…" the corporal muttered.

Versteckt sneered at him, and then turned to Klink.

"Have my car brought around; we leave immediately."

"Immediately?" Marya asked. "But, darling, I am so tired, and it is so late. Can we not leave first thing in the morning?"

She gently flicked Versteckt's collar back and forth until he relented.

"Very well. I shall be taking the VIP quarters; Marya, you may stay in Klink's quarters for the night."

"M-My quarters?" Klink repeated. "But where am I to sleep?"

"That is no concern of mine!" Versteckt said, waving a hand in dismissal. "But I want this corporal locked up in solitary confinement to ensure that he will not escape!"

Klink was so put out by the sudden usurping of his quarters that he didn't even bother to mention Stalag 13's no-escape record. As Versteckt left the office, Marya sashayed into Klink's quarters, prompting Klink to just sit down at his desk.

"Schultz…" he moaned. "Take Newkirk to the cooler."

The big man gave the corporal an apologetic glance; Newkirk just looked at Hogan with a help me look as he was taken away. Hogan was certainly determined to do what he could.

"So much for the Iron Eagle," the American colonel said, rounding on Klink. "Look at you—all washed up by some new guy who just muscles his way in! He doesn't even outrank you; you're both colonels, and he still manages to walk all over you!"

"Hogan, please…"

"Don't bother trying to plead with me. What's Burkhalter going to say when he hears about this? You know how he hates other people interrogating your prisoners! No, Sir; he's going to decide that it's time to have a commandant who can hold his own here. And you know where that leaves you, doesn't it?"

"Don't say it…."

"Aboard the Stalingrad Express!"

Klink winced.

"I can think of a lot of other generals who aren't going to be thrilled by this turn of events!" Hogan added. "The Inspector General, for one—you know he likes things in order. General Kammler—he won't like that you're letting this guy push Schultz around! And General Reifschneider…" Hogan trailed off, an idea coming to mind as he listed off one of Carter's aliases. "Well, you know all of that already. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to write a letter to the Red Cross!"

Klink let out a quiet mmmph in response.


Despite the seeds of a plan sprouting in his mind, Hogan was in no mood for pleasantries when he took the tunnel to Klink's quarters. Marya had been waiting for him, silently extending her arms as he emerged from behind the small stove.

"I just want to know one thing," he said, coldly. "Why?"

"What else was I to do, Hogan-darling?" she asked, giving another false pout. "I needed you to be aware of Versteckt's progress, and I need help giving him a false code to send to his superiors."

"And you needed Newkirk for that?"

"I would have given the name of my lovely small one, but Versteckt would not have believed that a Frenchman would know the British code."

"But why Newkirk? Why not drop the name of any other Englishman?"

"Because there is more to be done than to give him a false code," Mayra admitted. "Aside from the fact that he will be very useful to the Allies as a prisoner, his superiors will not be pleased when he sends them a false code. Once he finds out, he would vent his frustrations on Newkirk. Versteckt cannot stay in Germany."

"And so you want us to take him prisoner," Hogan finished. "Just like that, huh?"

"Your skills are legendary, Hogan-darling," Marya purred. "I know you can accomplish this."

"And what happens to Newkirk?" the colonel asked.

"You will find some clever way to rescue him just before the rigorous questioning—as you always do," Marya said, with a wave of dismissal. "And then, you will take Versteckt prisoner."

"You make it sound so simple."

"But it will be for you, Hogan!" she said. "I can tell that even now, you are already planning the next step. So, I will tell you this—Versteckt will be taking Newkirk to his headquarters in Flensheim tomorrow morning. I, of course, shall be accompanying him—and shall await your timely arrival."

"I'll bet. How long will it be before Versteckt starts working on Newkirk?"

"He will start with simple questioning first," Marya said. "Depending on how Newkirk does, there may be a delay before Versteckt goes down the unpleasant route."

"Thanks, that helps a lot," Hogan said, with a roll of his eyes.

"Don't worry; I will make sure that Versteckt does not harm him," Marya said. "I have ways of distracting him; you saw how easily I was able to convince him to stay at Stalag 13 overnight. Now, what are you planning?"

"Why should I tell you!?"

"Because if I know what you are planning, it will allow me to coordinate things so that Newkirk is not harmed," Marya said.

Realizing that she had a point, the colonel gazed heavenward for a moment.

"I was thinking of getting Carter to pose as a general; he's good at that," Hogan said. "He walks in, sees what's going on, takes custody of Newkirk, and orders Versteckt to come with him for questioning."

"Brilliant. You see? I never doubted you."

"It's easy enough in theory," Hogan said. "We don't know if Versteckt can be intimidated. And we have to time everything so that no harm comes to Newkirk."

"No harm will come to him," Marya promised. "You have my word. I will stall him long enough so that you can arrive in time before he uses any of his unpleasant methods."

Hogan gave her a long stare.

"Do we have to cut it that close?"

"If you want Versteckt to be caught in a compromising position, yes. Klink was right about Versteckt being in this for personal gain; he hasn't revealed to any of his superiors as to what he has found out—despite orders to keep them informed. Burkhalter will publically denounce him once word gets to him—but it won't matter; he will already be in London!"

"Okay. We move tomorrow," Hogan said. "But I want you get one thing through your head—I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this to get Versteckt off of Newkirk's back."

Marya gave him another pout; the colonel's response was to turn and retreat back into the tunnel behind the stove, hoping that this on-the-spot plan would work—for Newkirk's sake.


LeBeau been the one elected to deliver the news of the plan to Newkirk when he went to deliver supper for him through the tunnel that led directly to the cooler. The English corporal barely met his gaze, and didn't even make a move towards the food.

"Pierre, you must eat. I promise that it is not my bouillabaisse."

"It could be fish and chips, and I still couldn't eat a ruddy bite," Newkirk said, glumly.

LeBeau's shoulders slumped.

"Pierre…"

"Louis, please," he said. "I know what you're going to say—that the Guv'nor will come to my aid in time and that you trust your bird to stall until then. What if there's a delay? What if 'er silver tongue fails 'er? Versteckt only needs 'alf an excuse to get nasty, especially once 'e gets me away from 'ere."

LeBeau gave Newkirk a long glance. Absently, the Frenchman's left hand felt his own right thumb; he suppressed an involuntary shudder as he recalled his "questioning" prior to being sent to Stalag 13.

LeBeau thought for a moment, trying to come up with an answer to this conundrum. After a moment, he placed a hand on Newkirk's shoulder.

"Do you want me to stay here with you for some more time?" he offered.

"You don't want to miss bed check," Newkirk said. "You'll cause a stir if they think you've escaped. With Versteckt 'ere, that could lead to all kinds of trouble."

LeBeau blinked, glancing at the Englishman for a moment.

"Oui," LeBeau said. "An escape would be troublesome. Perhaps troublesome enough to get more than just the escapee in trouble."

"You'd better get going, then. Take the food with you; there'll be questions otherwise."

LeBeau only took the plate back with him because Newkirk's words had given him an idea. And as he clambered back up the bunk bed trapdoor entrance to their tunnel system, the Frenchman sought the American colonel out.

"How's he taking it?" Hogan asked.

"Not very well, Colonel," LeBeau said. "He's worried about what Versteckt might do to him. I must admit that I am concerned about that, as well."

"Believe me, LeBeau—I didn't want to go along with this," Hogan assured him. "It was your girlfriend's idea."

"Oui, I know," LeBeau said. "But I think I have an idea that will work just as well as hers and will not require Pierre to be in Versteckt's custody at all."

Hogan gave him a long glance.

"Say that again."

"I said that I had an idea that will work just as well as Marya's without Pierre having to be in Versteckt's custody."

Hogan crossed to the window of his office and glanced outside.

"Colonel?" LeBeau queried.

"I'm looking for flying pigs," Hogan said. "Seeing as though you're actually going against Marya's idea. Well, I'll look for them later; what've you got?"

LeBeau suppressed a mock scoff before telling Hogan his plan.


A few hours later, the quiet of the night was interrupted by a commotion near the front gates. A half-asleep Klink was fumbling down the steps of the kommandantur as Versteckt exited from the VIP quarters as Schultz hustled across the compound. Marya, wrapped in a fur coat, also stepped outside to see what the din was about.

"What is going on!?" Klink demanded.

"Herr Kommandant… Herr Kommandant…" Schultz mumbled, pointing towards the front gate. "General von Siedelberg is at the gate. He has apprehended one of our escaped prisoners."

"What!?" Klink bellowed, coming awake. "Why weren't you aware that there was an escape!? Why are you only-?" The colonel paled as Carter—unrecognizable in his disguise—stepped into view. "Ah, Herr General; it is a pleasure—"

"Pleasure!?" Carter snarled. "Do you think it is a pleasure for me to go out of my way just to deliver one of your prisoners to you!? Do you not think that I have better things to do with my time, Klink!? What has become of your famed no-escape record, Klink!? Why am I doing your job!?"

"I… Of course I understand, Herr General. And I assure you that this will not happen again; corrective measures will be put in place at once! Schultz, take the guilty party to the cooler at once!"

Schultz looked nervous as he glanced over at the prisoner, standing just out of the light.

"Put him back in the cooler he just broke out of?" Schultz asked.

"What?" Klink asked, puzzled. He then let out a wheeze as the tower guard aimed a spotlight at the escapee. "Newkirk!?"

"'ello…" the corporal said, with a sheepish wave.

Hogan, watching the scene from the door of the barracks, took a moment to appreciate the stunned look on Marya's face, knowing that it would be highly unlikely to see that ever again.

"Klink!" Versteckt roared, seeing Newkirk there. "How dare you allow my prisoner to escape, Klink!?"

As he stormed over towards Newkirk, the corporal retreated, bumping into Schultz. Carter now stepped forward, cutting Versteckt off.

"Klink allowed your prisoner to escape?" Carter asked, icily. "Based on what I heard from the prisoner, it was you who convinced the corporal to escape—and gave him the means to do so!"

"What!?" Versteckt exclaimed.

"It's true, General," Newkirk said. "Colonel Versteckt offered me freedom in exchange for the last details of the code. To show that 'e was serious, 'e gave me the key to the cooler that e' nicked from Schultz."

Schultz sputtered as Newkirk held up the key, which he had just snatched when he had bumped into him a moment ago.

"The plan was for me to meet at the hotel in town; from there, we'd go to 'is office in Flensheim," Newkirk went on. "After it was all over, I'd spend the rest of the war in Switzerland, while e' got the credit for breaking the code all by 'imself."

Versteckt glared at Newkirk in abject rage before turning to Carter.

"Herr General, it is all lies! I was intending to take this man to Flensheim as a prisoner—!"

"The bird was in on it, too," Newkirk added, indicating Marya.

Marya blinked in surprise, but quickly adapted to the new plan.

"It is true," she said, with a heavy sigh. "You can stop lying to the general, Versteckt-darling. Perhaps confessing everything now will mean a more lenient sentence for your attempt at committing treason."

Versteckt glared at her next, and then at Klink.

"You are all in on this!" he accused. He rounded on Schultz. "This is a plot put together by all of you to discredit me!"

"I know nothing—nothing!" Schultz insisted. He looked to Carter with pleading eyes. "Herr General, I am just a poor sergeant; all I wish is to guard the prisoners and survive the war. I know nothing about this!"

"As do I, Herr General!" Klink added. "It's that woman—every time she comes here, she brings trouble! This time, she has brought a traitor!"

Marya responded with a shrug.

"How was I to know he would resort to such methods?" she asked.

"LIES!" Versteckt roared.

"I will take you both with me as my prisoners," Carter stated. "Then, we will discern the truth after questioning."

"Ja. We will," Versteckt vowed.

"In the meantime, Klink, I am returning your prisoner to you," Carter continued, giving Newkirk a shove. "And I will forget this entire matter."

"I am very grateful, Herr General. And may I say—"

"I am too busy to stay and chat, Klink!" Carter snapped. "Keep a better watch on your prisoners—and on who you let inside your camp!"

"Yes, Herr General," Klink promised, saluting.

Carter gave a nod and drew a gun on Versteckt and Marya.

"My car is parked out on the road; you will both come with me," he ordered.

Marya gave another sigh and went along quietly as Carter led them both away.

It was soon Klink's turn to sigh—with relief, after they had gone. After a moment, he turned to Newkirk.

"And as for you-!"

"Colonel Klink!" Hogan exclaimed, striding across the compound. "As the senior officer for the prisoners, I must insist that Newkirk not be considered at fault for what happened here tonight! It's not his fault that Versteckt was a traitor—or that you were ready to let him get away with his plan!"

"Hogaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…!"

"Blimey, Sir, I wonder what old Burkhalter will think of all this," Newkirk mused.

"All right, all right!" Klink said, throwing his hands in the air in defeat. "I shall overlook this—but no more escape attempts!"

"If you can ensure that there'll be no more manipulative officers in here, you've got yourself a deal," Hogan said, with a quick salute. "Come on, Newkirk; let's get you back where you belong."

"Hold it!" Klink exclaimed. "There will be a roll call—I want to make sure that no one else has escaped!"

There was a moment of worry as they all fell in for the surprise roll call, but Carter managed to stumble back in time to make it—albeit half-dressed.

After Klink dismissed everyone, the core team slipped back into the tunnel. Marya was there, holding a bound Versteckt at gunpoint.

"Well, this improvisation worked out," Hogan said. "We'll have Newkirk forge Versteckt's handwriting and send a fake code to his superiors."

"Shouldn't take me too long," Newkirk said, the confident air back in his voice. "I'll get to work on it first thing in the morning."

"The Underground will be able to pick Versteckt up tomorrow night," Baker announced from the radio. "They're eager to get him to London as soon as possible."

Versteckt cursed.

"Hey, you started this whole thing," Hogan reminded him. "Though Marya gave you some help."

"It is not the way I had planned it, Hogan-darling," she pouted. "You came up with another plan. Why did you not trust me?"

"Believe it or not, I wasn't the one who came up with this idea," Hogan admitted. "I've got to give credit where credit is due; it was LeBeau's idea."

LeBeau looked slightly sheepish as Marya—and Newkirk, as well—looked at him in amazement.

"You, my small one?" Marya asked. "You did not trust me?"

"Chéri, I did trust you," LeBeau said. "But I was not thinking of only myself this time. I hope this does not change anything between us."

Marya pondered for a moment.

"I think it only confirms what I have always thought of you," she said.

Satisfied, LeBeau smiled and blew a kiss in her direction.

"And on that note, I want all of you to go back to your bunks," Hogan said. "Klink just might be paranoid enough to do another bed check, and I want everyone to be accounted for. Marya, will you take care of our guest?"

"But of course," she purred.

LeBeau looked as though he wanted to stay a little longer with her, but Newkirk tugged on his sleeve, leading him towards the ladder.

"I want a word with you, Louis," he said.

"Oui, I know; your appetite has returned now that the danger has passed," LeBeau said. "I still have your supper; I kept it warm, just in case."

"It's not that, little mate," Newkirk said. "Though I will take you up on that, now that you mentioned it. I wanted to thank you."

"You would have done the same for me, Pierre."

"Yeah, but you're barmy for that bird. And you still went against 'er for my sake."

"There are times, mon pote, that l'amour must stand aside for the sake of fraternité." He gently clapped Newkirk on the shoulder again.

But as the Frenchman climbed up the ladder, he cast another glance at his thumbs; this time, Newkirk noticed, and it suddenly sunk in that LeBeau had wanted to make sure that Newkirk wouldn't have suffered the same way LeBeau had during his questioning.

Cor, Louis, you're something. And I'm grateful for it.

As he clambered into his bunk, Newkirk acknowledged that he was a lucky man—for more reasons than one.