She never thought she'd find herself, who she really was deep inside, within her. She never thought she'd find the happiness, the love she craved when she thought about her. She never thought she'd find the peace, the calm within her eyes. Hell, she never even thought she'd figure out just how she felt until she was out of her life.

Everything she never thought she'd had, she only had in her dreams. Even thousands of miles away from her, she could still feel it all. The beat of her heart, the smile upon her lips and the glistening look of a woman in love in her eyes. But that look of love wasn't for her. It never would be. She had ruined her chance long ago. She turned her back and ran away before she found the courage to profess her love. She ran away because she wasn't wanted. She was hated and pushed away.

The phone rang and she opened her eyes, taking a look at the clock on the dresser and waited until it changed to 3:51am before she even reached for the phone.

"Yeah?"

"You're needed," came the soft whisper.

"Something big going down?"

"Yes. Get on the first flight you can."

"You have any idea what time it is, Giles?"

"You and I both know you never sleep until the sun rises," he chuckled softly. "I know you told me not to call unless it was important and it is. We need you here for this, Faith."

"I get it. I'll be there."

She hung up the phone and felt the lump rise in her throat. She was going back there. She'd have to see her whether she was ready to or not.

The way they left things off reminded her of the time when Buffy had gutted her. It was a sore memory, one she'd rather forget, and even though the way they parted the last time there was no blood shed, it still hurt just as much. Buffy wanted nothing to do with her after the fall of Sunnydale and she ended up tagging along with Robin, heading up a squad in Cleveland.

Seven months after she'd set up shop in Cleveland, she and Robin had gone to take out a nest of vamps in an old warehouse. They weren't prepared for over a hundred of them and in the end she had been the only one to walk away barely alive. She'd torched the warehouse, finding no other way to finish the vamps that were left. It meant she had no time to recover Robin and the other slayers' bodies. Soon as word got to Scotland about what happened, Buffy told her she was on her own from there on out.

A few weeks after Robin's death she found out she was pregnant. She was scared. Alone. She knew it was Robin's. They'd been together on and off since that night in Sunnydale, though it wasn't serious. But pregnant. To say she was shell-shocked was an understatement. For nearly four and a half months, she tried to avoid vamps and demons, hoping to hell she could keep herself and the baby safe long enough. One night she'd been walking back from the corner store and four demons attacked her from out of nowhere. She'd never seen anything like them before and they were strong, too strong. It ended when the one of them gutted her with her own knife and they left her there, bleeding out a slow, wanted death.

An elderly couple had found her a few hours later. The details were foggy, but she remembered being rushed to the hospital and she'll never forget the doctors telling her she'd lost the baby. A part of her was relieved because she wasn't ready to be a mother, but a bigger part of her was gutted both physically and emotionally. Two days she stayed in the hospital. As soon as the doctors released her she went home, stopping at the store and buying a case of whiskey, then finding a guy who sold her cocaine on one of the seediest corners in the neighbourhood. It was the beginning of her downward spiral. She knew that it wasn't her fault that she lost the baby and yet she let the guilt drive her. All she ever tried to do was forget the pain.

After that, she took off running, never staying in one place for very long. Three years she ran. Three years she was alone, doing her own thing. She'd been riding on her Harley across Canada when Giles tracked her down. She didn't remember the last time she'd ever felt so happy to hear from him. Apologies on his part were made then, but they didn't matter to her. The only apology she needed was from Buffy.

It was an apology that'd never happen.

Her downward spiral ended then and there. She pulled herself out, locking herself in a small motel room a few hours outside of Toronto. She locked herself in that room for three weeks until the drugs were out of her system completely. As soon as she felt stable enough, she got on her Harley and headed back to Cleveland. She was going to do the job she'd gone there to do in the first place. She needed direction in her life. She needed a home. She needed some kind of permanent fixture to keep her grounded. That's where she found herself for the last month and a half, only talking to Giles one time once she'd found an apartment.

He knew where Buffy stood when it came to her. He was the one who told her during their last phone call that Buffy said she'd get Giles to call her in if she were ever needed. She just never expected that phone call any time soon. From the way she heard it, Buffy had everything under control in Scotland along with over a hundred slayers living there at the castle with her. Even Giles was living there after he'd gone off and done his own thing for awhile. They never needed her and to be called in, especially when it wasn't even four in the morning, worried her.

Something happened or was about to happen. With all the slayers now in the world, they'd be able to handle just about anything. What would they even need her for?

She got up from her bed and walked to the small bathroom. She winced as she flipped on the light and gave herself a minute for her eyes to adjust to the harsh fluorescent lighting. She barely even recognized herself anymore. The years that had passed, the drugs, the drinking, the depression and the self-destruction had taken its toll. Her skin was pale. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been outside during the day. Her eyes were almost lifeless as she stared at her reflection. It pained her to see how she'd slipped away into nothing. Her hair was wild and untamed yet it lacked the vibrancy it once had. Turning on the tap, she splashed the cold water over her face, her tears mixing in. She couldn't even stand to look at herself for more than a minute before the tears always started flowing.

Shaking it off, she packed a bag and took one last, long look at the place she'd called home for awhile. She never grew attached to wherever she was staying. She always ended up leaving sooner or later. She lived out of her bag and she lived on her bike. That was home to her. Not some random apartment, a motel room that had seen better days and in some cases, a tent pitched off to the side of the road where she never got any sleep for fear the things she fought every night would take their chance while she had her guard down.

She couldn't take her Harley with her. She knew she couldn't. Before she headed to the airport she rode to what she and Robin had used as a safe-house to store the weapons. The cops in Cleveland always ended up raiding the house they'd lived in and keeping the weapons elsewhere seemed like the only logical thing to do. The house was a few miles out of the city and looked the same as she'd left it. She pulled the bike around to the back of the house and turned it off. She dug in her jeans pocket and pulled out the key to the padlock that kept the door shut. Whenever she came there she was always surprised the place hadn't been broken into and it wasn't any different this time.

After pulling the bike into the house and parking it in what she figured had once been a living room, she covered it with one of the torn, dirty sheets and said a quiet goodbye to the only 'friend' she'd had in the last three years. She checked the house, making sure the few weapons were still securely hidden in the walls and under the worn floorboards before she walked back outside just in time to see the sun starting to rise over the horizon.

It was a long walk back to what she considered civilization. She didn't want a cab picking her up at the house. It had been an unspoken rule before between her, Robin and the handful of slayers that had been there with them not to ever be found at the house or allow anyone else to know they had been there. As soon as she reached what she knew was the 'safe' zone, she took her cell out of her jacket pocket and called a cab. She sat by the edge of the road on her bag, casually lit a cigarette, and waited.

She knew what she was doing. She was stalling as much as she could. She didn't want to face Buffy. She didn't want to see the way she'd always looked at her, like she wasn't worth the air she breathed. It hurt to know that at one time they did have a shot at being friends and she'd gone and ruined that the first chance she'd got. Giles told her once that everyone makes mistakes. Angel had as well. They both had helped her on the road to redemption and she was still on that same road, just not stuck at the dead end like before. This time she was stuck at a fork in the road, not sure which way to go, even though the signs were pointing clearly in the direction she knew she should be taking.

Her cell rang, jolting her from her thoughts, and she glanced at the display quickly before answering.

"Have you got a flight?" Giles asked before she even said a word.

"I'm on my way to the airport now."

"Good."

"Good? Is that all you have to say? You aren't gonna tell me what the hell is going on or why you need me there?"

"I meant good as in fortunate," he chuckled softly. "Willow suggested teleporting you here instead. Save you the money for the ticket and the time."

"But not the jet lag and the motion sickness."

"There is only one problem."

Faith sighed as she took one last drag of her cigarette before flicking it halfway across the road. "What's the problem?"

"The old spell isn't working like it used to. Willow has found another, but unfortunately she needs something personal of yours to bring you here safely and in one piece."

She thought for a moment, trying to remember the last time she was ever in Scotland. She'd been once, with Robin, for the first Christmas party they had the year they all moved into the castle and before everything turned to shit. She only vaguely remembered much of the party aside from the fact she and Robin ducked out early and went to the guest suite with a bottle of wine. She remembered waking up in the bed, or partly in the bed, naked and half draped over an equally naked Robin.

"Dunno if it'd still be there, but I kind of misplaced this ring while I was there."

"A ring?"

"Silver, plain band. Nothing wow about it, just your common, everyday thumb ring."

"Oh," Giles sighed out and he was quiet for a moment. "Buffy has been wearing one similar to that. She said she'd found it out in the corridor awhile back and when nobody claimed it, she kept it for herself."

Faith laughed, shaking her head as she stood up and began pacing along the side of the road. "Ask her if it has the letter 'B' engraved in it."

"What does the 'B' stand for?"

"Boston. Stupid thing, really. Robin thought it made sense seeing how I was from Boston and everything."

Giles laughed and the line crackled a little. She pulled her phone away from her ear. One bar. Barely.

"Giles? What's so fucking funny?"

"Oh, it's nothing," he said with a soft laugh as he tried to calm himself down. "I just recall her thinking that the 'B' stood for Buffy."

"Classic," Faith chuckled as she stopped pacing and reached for her pack of cigarettes in her pocket. "So, what are you waiting for? Get the ring, get Red to mojo me on over there and you can tell me why the fuck I'm needed over there. In fact, while I'm waiting, why don't you tell me exactly what is going on?"

"It's rather complicated at the moment," he said as his tone changed. He was upset. It was clear in the way he spoke and the way he sounded so broken up even though she knew he was trying to be strong for her sake and his own.

"What is?"

"The situation."

"Giles!" Faith nearly screamed, frustrated and angry. "Tell me what the hell is going on or I am not fucking dragging my ass over there."

He went quiet and that worried Faith even more than she already was. She waited patiently before jumping to any conclusion for him to tell her exactly what was going on.

"It's Buffy."

"What about her? Is she okay?"

"She's recovering," he said softly.

"Recovering from what?!"

"She tried to kill herself."

Faith's heart nearly stopped at that moment. She felt out of breath, dizzy and nauseous, and she sat back down on her bag and fought back the tears that came anyway. She looked down at the pack of cigarettes in her hand and crushed them as she closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down.

"She'll be fine, Faith. The only reason I called you was because she has been asking for you."

"For me? Why? Thought she wanted nothing to do with me?"

"I have absolutely no idea. It might be the sedatives the doctors put her under, but it might be something else. I believe she needs you here despite what has gone on between the two of you."

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why'd she do it?"

"We do not know. She won't talk to anyone."

"And you think she'll talk to me?"

"She will," Giles replied. He sounded so sure about it that it scared her. "Willow has gone down to see her and to see if she has the ring. I'll call you back as soon as I can."

Faith sighed as she heard him hang up on her. The soft click reverberated through her head as she held on to the phone and stared at the display. The minutes that passed felt like hours and it hurt to breathe, it hurt to think, it even hurt to cry. She couldn't imagine what would have pushed Buffy so far that she wanted to end her own life. She thought she'd had it bad and yet she'd never gone that far off the deep end and wanted to die. Her death would come when it was meant to be and not by her own hands. She wasn't afraid of death. She was a Slayer. Death was always waiting there, lurking in the shadows and waiting for the moment to strike.

She didn't know Buffy, not as well as her friends and family did. She had no idea what could have driven her to the point where she wanted to take her own life. Something had to have happened or she was just giving up, once and for all. She couldn't come to her own conclusions, not if she valued what she had left of her salvaged sanity. She jumped up from where she'd been sitting when her phone rang again a few minutes later.

"Are you ready?"

"Did you..."

"Faith, are you ready? If you have anything with you, make sure you are holding onto it. As soon as I hang up the phone Willow will bring you here."

"Giles..."

"We will talk in a moment, Faith."

And he hung up just like that. She was getting really tired of him hanging up on her like that. She barely even had enough time after Giles hanging up on her to grab her bag. She just had her fingers firmly gripping the handles, and then she didn't have another second to think about it before she felt herself being pulled from where she stood at the side of the empty, deserted road.

She'd never been more relieved that she'd opted on skipping breakfast that morning. Her stomach was in knots and she looked around the room she landed in, trying to stop it all from spinning furiously out of control. The only others in the room were Willow and Giles and she groaned as she straightened herself out and forced a smile as she looked at them. They didn't smile back and she couldn't blame them. Her smile faltered and faded as she sighed out heavily and dropped her bag to the floor.

"So talk, Giles. Tell me everything you've neglected to tell me so far."

"We should take this to my office," he said as he motioned for her to follow him out of the room. Willow barely cast another look at her as she left her bag where it was and followed him out of the room and into the next. "Sit."

"How's she doing?" Faith asked as she took a seat on the leather chair in front of the desk. "Is she alright?"

"No, she is not alright. She's been given a high dose of sedatives to keep her comfortable until her healing takes over."

"How bad is it?"

"It's horrible," he said softly, his voice cracking with emotion as he sat down in his chair across from her. "Satsu and a few others found her. She looked as if she'd been..."

Faith had never seen him like this. She'd never seen the man cry before and she felt her own tears welling up in her eyes as she watched him wipe away his tears. However bad it was, it had torn him up inside. She hadn't even seen Buffy and it was tearing her to pieces. She spotted the ring, her ring, on the desk and grabbed it, slipping in onto her thumb. It was unnaturally warm and she presumed that was from the spell.

"She knowingly walked into the trap," he started as he reached for his cup of tea and took a sip before continuing. "We don't know why she did this. We know she's been upset and not feeling quite herself for some time now. We found a nest of vampires in the area months ago, extremely hostile ones, and she went out there to face them alone."

"Vampires? Like that's unusual in our line of work," Faith responded sarcastically.

"These vampires are unlike your normal, run of the mill vampires. We weren't going to interfere as we all knew, and even Buffy knew, that we wouldn't have a chance in eliminating them until some of them disbanded. There's just too many of them."

"What makes you so sure that classifies as suicide?"

"She knew she couldn't take them on herself. Before she left last night, she said goodbye. None of us thought much of it until after she'd walked out the door with nothing but the clothes on her back. Buffy never leaves without weapons and that's how we knew something was going on. I sent Satsu out with a team to retrieve her, but we were too late."

"Giles," Faith sighed as she leaned forward in the chair. "I'm trying to understand things right now and I'm going on no sleep here so forgive me for being a little dense. You're telling me that Buffy tried to end her life by trying to take out a nest of vampires without any weapons?"

"That is what we know."

"I still don't understand why she'd do that."

"None of us do, Faith."

"This makes no fucking sense!" Faith laughed as she leaned back in the chair and rubbed her throbbing temples. "Look, I haven't been around in years, and I don't know what Buffy has been going through, so you're gonna have to bring me up to speed here the best you can, alright?"

"I could try."

"Before you do, she wasn't bit, was she?"

"Not that we were able to tell."

"So, no chance of her turning into a vampire, right?"

"Good heavens I hope not. If there was, she'd have turned by now."

"Isn't there any fancy shit you can do to find out for sure?"

"Willow has been working on a spell," he replied calmly. "You want to be brought up to speed? I can do my best to try and explain what has happened over the past several years."

"Don't need any heavy details or nothing, just the cliff notes version. Short attention span here."

Giles chuckled softly as Faith made herself comfortable in the chair. "I should start at the beginning, or at least what was the beginning for myself. As soon as I arrived here, things were heavy. Buffy had a lot on her plate, training the girls, leading them, befriending them as best she could. She was always off alone, isolating herself whenever she could. We were worried about her but she convinced us that everything was fine. She was happy being alone. Then around that time, that's when things with Satsu happened."

"Who the hell is Satsu anyway? A Slayer, right?"

"Yes," he nodded. "It seems she and Buffy had a bit of a...romantic involvement together and it did not end well for either of them. Buffy became more and more withdrawn once things had ended and she sent Satsu off to Tokyo to take over the squad there. When she came back, Buffy had already moved on. She started seeing this man, Victor I believe his name was..."

"Hold the fuck up," Faith said abruptly as it all started to sink in. "Buffy was with a chick?"

"Yes."

"How the fuck didn't I know about this?"

"Do you want me to answer that or would you like for me to continue to tell you what you've missed?"

"Go on then," she sighed as she slouched in the chair and brought her feet up on the desk.

"Victor was, in fact, a vampire with a soul. And yes, before you say anything, he was very much like Angel," Giles said, stopping her before she could even open her mouth. "It was a heated affair between the two of them. It lasted nearly a year before things got bad. He was working for the enemy, the enemy being every vampire that roams the earth right now. He was planning to lead Buffy into a trap, planning to kill her after she put up a fight."

"How original."

"Of course as you probably have figured out, Buffy didn't take kindly to learning that she was being used and led to believe that this vampire loved her as Angel once had. She went out in the middle of the night one night and confronted him."

"She dust the asshole?"

"She did indeed."

"So, Buffy did a chick, fell in love with yet another vampire and dusted his sorry ass, and this all led to her wanting to kill herself?"

"There's more to it than there appears to be and unfortunately, because she has been so withdrawn, nobody knows what she was thinking when she left last night. I have reason to believe that the last half of her life has been excruciatingly hard on her. I know she has told you to stay out of her life, but she's asked for you. From what I could understand from the pieces she was saying, she wants to make things right."

"Damn," Faith sighed as she closed her eyes. "This is fucking crazy. You know, when you called me I thought you needed help with a big bad. I had no fucking idea this had anything to do with Buffy."

"I'm glad you came, Faith."

"Why?"

"Because we all believe you are the only one who can be here for her. I know you care for her deeply, more than she even knows you do. I know you've been through a lot in the last several years and I truly believe that if anyone can understand what Buffy has been putting herself through, it's you."

"I'm no fucking shrink, G."

"She doesn't need a shrink. She needs a friend. She needs someone that understands what she feels and for good or ill there is no one better suited than you."

"I think you've forgotten one major detail, Giles. I'm not her friend either."

"Maybe it is finally time for you to put the past behind you and start over," he replied as he reached under his desk and pulled out a small bottle of whiskey. "Do you honestly believe she'd be asking for you if she didn't want to move on past your differences?"

"Takes her trying to kill herself to get to that point," she muttered under her breath as Giles passed her the bottle. "How'd you know I needed a drink?"

"It's a lot to take in right now and I figured it might help you calm down a little."

"I'm calm!" Faith said, her voice rising as she unscrewed the cap and brought the bottle to her lips. "You are right, though. This is a fucking lot to take in right now. I don't even know what the hell to think. Buffy is strong. She wouldn't let heartbreak and general life bullshit bring her down. There's more to it. A hell of a lot more."

"Giles?" Willow said softly as she opened the door. "She's awake again and asking for Faith."

"How does she look?"

"No better," Willow replied as she finally looked over at Faith. "I'll bring you down to the infirmary."

"Jesus," Faith said under her breath as she took a swig of the whiskey and placed the bottle on Giles' desk. "Guess I should go. It's why you brought me here, right?"

"We only brought you here because Buffy asked for you," Willow replied coldly as she watched Faith walk past her and out into the corridor. "I don't like this idea any more than you do, Faith."

"Of course not. You all hopped on the 'we hate Faith and want her out of our lives' train long ago."

Willow said nothing more to her as she led Faith through endless corridors of the castle. Faith was growing nervous. She didn't know how bad Buffy looked. She wasn't sure she wanted to see just how bad it was with her own eyes. The closer they got, the more she could feel the slight hum deep inside of her grow stronger, louder. She felt surrounded by Buffy and she wasn't even next to her. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she followed Willow through the doors and into the infirmary. The only occupied bed was near the window and all the lights but the one next to that bed were off.

"Go on," Willow said softly as she gently gave Faith the push she needed to take the last couple of steps.

It was worse than she thought it'd be. Buffy was torn up, covered in bandages. She was pale and her eyes were closed, her breathing shallow but even. This wasn't how she expected to see Buffy again, weak and on the brink of death. She glanced back at Willow who stood by the doorway and turned back to look down at Buffy. She fought off her tears as she pulled the chair close to the side of the bed. It hurt her deep inside to see Buffy in this state and she could feel the inner pain that Buffy was struggling with. It reminded her too much of her own inner pain, one she was still struggling with to this day.

What would she say to her? There was so much that needed to be said and she knew now was not the time to dig up their past. They'd have plenty of time to do that once Buffy had healed and was back to her normal self. Her heart was breaking yet again as she sat there staring down at Buffy. She heard Willow leave the two of them alone and she felt the tears in her eyes about to fall. She couldn't cry now. She had to be strong. For herself and for Buffy, even if she had never been strong enough for both herself and Buffy before.

"Hey, B. Bet you thought I wouldn't come, huh?" Faith said softly as she finally found her voice. "How you feeling?"

"Like hell," she replied softly as she opened her eyes slowly and looked at her. "It looks bad, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," Faith said softly as she fought to keep the tears from falling. She couldn't let Buffy see what this was doing to her, how it was ripping her up and chewing her to shreds. "Could be worse, right?"

"Thanks," Buffy said quietly, straining to speak even though it was clear she was in pain.

"No problem, B. Just want to say that despite all the shit that's gone down between us, I am still here for you." She lowered her head and quickly wiped away her tears. "Now isn't the time to talk, huh?"

"How about you start with an apology?" Buffy asked coldly, her voice still just barely above a whisper. The icy anger could be heard in each word she said. "I think you owe me that much."

"An apology? For Robin and the girls' deaths? For trying to kill you? For what, Buffy? What the hell do you want me to apologize for?"

"Everything."

She sighed out heavily, no longer afraid of Buffy seeing the tears. She couldn't stop them now. Her emotions were on overload and she couldn't help but think that if Buffy wasn't hurt as badly as she was, they wouldn't even be having this conversation. No, she knew Buffy would be kicking her ass back to Cleveland as hard and fast as she could if given the chance.

"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I've caused you so much fucking pain."

"You haven't..."

"But I have. I see it right now and I feel it every fucking day! I don't know what's been going on with you, Buffy, but whatever it is, it wasn't worth you going out there and trying to kill yourself over it."

"You don't even know," she said as her own tears began to fall. "You wouldn't even understand."

"Try me. You have no idea what the hell I have gone through since Robin died. You have no fucking idea what kind of personal hell I've gone through. I'd surprise you with the kind of fucking things I'd understand."

Buffy turned her head and closed her eyes then, not saying another word as the tears continued to fall. Faith sat there, her own tears falling endlessly as she tried to calm herself down. She couldn't deal with this. Nothing could prepare her to deal with this with Buffy. She loved her more than anything, and yet she couldn't tell her. At least not now, not with the anger and the hate lying there on the surface.

She sat there, wanting to leave, but her heart wouldn't let her. Not yet. She reached out for Buffy's hand, the only part of her aside from her face that wasn't bandaged, and gently intertwined their fingers. She didn't even know why she did it. She needed to just feel, to let the simplest of gestures do all the speaking she couldn't do right then. She slipped off the ring and slid it onto Buffy's thumb, smiling at her as Buffy turned to look at her. Buffy squeezed her hand gently and smiled a little. Her own way of saying thank you.

It was all Faith needed to know that her heart definitely belonged to Buffy now whether Buffy wanted it or not.