The Bibblite Conspiracy

Me and Cat have gotten into a routine since we started developing powers after getting covered in whatever was in that toxic waste container with the radiation signs all over it that busted all over us in the back of that garbage truck the day we met. She would try to help people and work hard to 'deserve the name superhero' as she would say. I would do whatever I wanted, and just not call myself a superhero. Nothin' to live up to and I still got powers to play with. I mean I'd help her, we're friends and I'm not a total wazbag. I just wasn't gonna miss a meal, lose any sleep, or do anything that was boring or hard.

Not that missing meals had become a problem; since one of the powers I got was I can eat anything. So Cat and the gang know that if mama misses any meals, shes's gonna take a bite of a random car. Cat always says I should just eat rocks, there's always rocks or concrete around. I tell her I've got more style than that. I might take a bite out of a building if the mood takes me, but I'm not going to sit on the ground eating rocks like a caveman.

So it came as a surprise when Miss 'Deserve-the-name-superhero' started disappearing for hours at a time. Leaving me to take care of both our babysitting jobs and anyone who answered her 'superhero for hire' ad. The last thing I need is to have to be the responsible one. It really burned my chiz.

One day I had to confront her when she bounced in at nine o'clock, hours after the kid's parents had picked him up. She seemed so jolly and carefree I had to bite the end off the bottle of root beer I was drinking to keep from yelling at her. Didn't help long because the first words out of her mouth were, "How many of those have you had tonight?"

"I've had a long day. I've been babysitting, alone. I had to answer two calls on your stupid hero phone, alone." I yelled, getting up.

"If it's so stupid, don't do it." She screeched back at me.

"That's not the point, and you know it. The point is I was alone. Then you come in, nine o'clock at night, sweet as you please."

She interrupted again, "You think I'm sweet?" She asked in that flirtatious way she has. Where she turns her head, looks out the corner of her eye, and her voice gets kinda soft and husky. She was the flirtiest girl I'd ever seen, and she didn't seem to even know it.

And it worked, course it worked, but I was trying to get my mad on here. "Not the point Cat! You come in here after being gone all day. And you reek of candy."

"What's that supposed to mean?!" She shouted.

"You always smell sweet. But normally it's a light airy sweetness with a bit of flower, like candied violets. Or more like candied jasmine with a hint of vanilla but that's beside the point."

"You've spent a lot of time thinking about the way I smell." Cat said, flirty again, stepping toward me.

I stepped back. I needed to talk to her, not get lost in her. I didn't even need to think about that right now, but couldn't think about anything else. "You smell like you've been dunked in candy, like an apple. You don't have a touch of candied flowers, you have a cloud of candied candy with candy on it. What the fizz have you been doing?"

"I've been doing what I want to for once! And you don't need to know, you don't even need to think about it." Cat yelled. Then she paused a split second to calm herself and started humming.

I had barely a moment to know what she was going to do, before she did it. She was going to use her powers on me. The radiation just intensified who we were. I'm strong and physical and I eat a lot. So I was given super strength, near invulnerability, and I can eat anything now. Cat is an adorable performer with a magical voice. So she got the ability to have everyone like her and trust her (and I believe find her non-threatening, but that might just be her). She can hypnotize you when she sings: make you see things, go to sleep, obey her commands to the point of foiling robberies by making criminals forget where they are, that they have guns and what guns are for. I think she could make someone forget who they are even, but she always said that'd be mean and won't try. Plus she has a sonic scream that hits like a speeding car.

I had just enough time for a bubble of rage and a thought, "We promised we wouldn't..." before her song properly started and I lost my place.

I woke up foggy headed in our room, which now smelled like Strawberry Shortcake's vagina. Cat was no where to be seen.

She Catted me! How could she? I was almost mad enough to eat Mr. Purple in revenge. But I knew there was no going back from something like that. I called Dice. His mom said he was at school. So I called Goomer and found out he actually was at school this time.

Goomer offered to come over, but I knew he would only bother me. I was too stressed for advice like. "When my cat used to wander off all the time back in Louisiana, we put a bell around her neck, so we could always hear where she was. Do you think Cat would wear a bell?"

Besides I had the Dice signal. Call up pretending to be his mom, and have him sent home because his Aunt Fergine fell in a wheat thresher.

Dice showed up twenty minutes later, sweaty and panting. "Sam! She's not my favorite person in the world. What with the night gas, and the stealing my lunch and the taking my underwear to make work aprons for her helper monkey. But you can't tell people she's been de-limbed just because you need to talk to me."

"Yeah, yeah,." I said, "Cat used her powers on me last night."

"Did she do anything to you while you were hypnotized?" He asked, suddenly all interest.

"Probably, from how our room smelled this morning. But I don't care about that. We promised we would never use our powers against each other. She's been acting crazy for over a week, and we need to find out why." I told him.

"Okay, I'm going to go smell your room and see if that gives me any ideas." He said, starting toward the back of the house.

I grabbed him. "There's no time for that pervo. But if you help me, I'll let you go through Cat's hamper and you can choose one pair of her panties to keep."

He didn't even have to think about it. "Deal." He said, sitting down. "Now what exactly do we know so far?"

"She's disappeared every day. She doesn't care about babysitting or superheroing. When she's here she acts super excited and full of energy. Even more than normal. But she goes crazy if you ask her where she's been. Strangest of all, she's been smelling like candy. Like, a lot. It started out just a little strange, like she was a giant gummy bear. But last night she smelled like a cloud of hot sugar. I know that sounds good, but it wasn't."

He thought for a moment and said, "Bibble smells like candy. And we know she has a Bibble problem."

"Don't you think I thought of that?!" I yelled. "But Bibble also smells like popcorn. She didn't smell anything like Bibble. She just smelled like sugar..." I paused, remembering. "And just a little bit like dirty socks, but not exactly." But I felt like she did smell like something, exactly, something that was just out of reach.

I almost had it, but then I lost it when my phone burped. It was my new text noise.

Jatlitch: What have you done?

"Whose Jatlitch?" Dice asked, leaning over me to peek.

"First looking at someone else's text is a real chiz move. Second, Jatlitch is Jade the slitch. She's this obnoxious friend of Cat's. I'm gonna tell her to waz off." I said.

"Wait, no, she might know what's up with Cat. You're gonna need to be nice." He said.

"I don't do nice. But I see your point." I replied and texted back, 'Don't know what you mean. But if it's about Cat, come over straight after school, cause I'm not happy myself.'

She replied, 'No one cares. Be there before 4.' I assumed she meant no one cared if I was happy. But that statement didn't warrant a answer and I could give her a smack when I saw her.

We sat for a few minutes in silence, brainstorming for ideas. Finally Dice said, "Gwen's out of jail."

"Huh, what?" I said.

"Word on the street," He said. "Gwen is out of jail. She got her deportation hearing overturned. And she's brought Ruby into line. I think she got to Ruby first and with the state's witness silenced and her uncle's money she quickly became untouchable. I hear she's been walking around town for around two weeks now."

"Well the timing is right." I said. "I can't believe I didn't know she was back."I got up and started pacing, "I guess I have a visit to make."

"And I'll go get Goomer." Dice said. "I know you don't need him, but she might have goons and you've been telling him for weeks that he could help you as soon as you found something for him to do."

"Sounds good. We'll meet back here later."

I took my bike over to Gwen and Ruby's uncle's house. I can't fly, but the twelve foot fence was no more a challenge to me than jumping onto a second story balcony to get in.

I landed in a little blue and white sitting room where Ruby was watching Celebrity Neck-Punch. Before I could grab her she jumped up and ran out of the room screaming, "Gwen, Gwen, Sam's here! Gwweeenn!"

I was distracted for a moment by the tv, because I landed just in time to see Shelby Marx punch Peezy B square in the neck. It was awesome, but I couldn't be distracted right now.

There was no reason to try to be sneaky. I'd already lost the element of surprise so I ran down the stairs toward where I could still hear Ruby screaming. "Gwen, Ruby, I'm coming to get you." I yelled.

As I ran toward the back of the house, I heard hydraulic motors whirring and the loud thud, thud, thud of some machine. Right when I had almost reached the arched passageway, Gwen came around the corner, over six feet tall in a heavily armored mechasuit.

"I've been expecting you, Sam. Welcome to our home." Gwen smiled wickedly.

"Just where did you get a mechasuit?" I asked, shocked.

"Oh I'm terribly sorry Sam. I didn't know you were a moron. Everyone has a mechasuit these days. We need them to even up the odds if one of you super types go rogue, like now."

"I'm not rogue," I said, grabbing her elbow.

"Your elbow squeeze trick won't work on this." Gwen laughed. "It doesn't feel pain."

I guess she thought I really was a moron. I kept squeezing as the metal buckled under the pressure. "Maybe not pain, but the reason behind it is the same for both humans and robots. The joints are always the weakest part." My thumb popped through the plating and began to sink into the joint. The anodized steel did squeeze my thumb uncomfortably, but not enough I needed to stop. I pulled her in and bit a little piece off in the corner of the view screen. I chewed and swallowed the thick polymer glass and steel and whispered into the hole, "I'm coming for you Gwen."

Her eyes got really big, or as big as they get, she's kind of a squiggy eyed girl. "No, I'm sorry." She screamed. "I'm sorry, I'll help you, I'm sorry."

I took a bigger bite. "I'm coming Gwen."

"Please, Sam, please." I thought she meant 'I'm sorry for all I've done.' and 'Please don't hurt me." Later I would find out she was just screaming politeness words in hopes that these, combined with her age, would get her out of this. Like it always had before.

I leaned in close, my mouth inside the hole I'd chewed in her viewscreen, and said, "What have you done to Cat?"

"Nothing," Gwen said, "Was something done to Cat?"

I didn't know what to believe. Her smarmy, snarky little voice always sounded sincere. The little sociopath bichon had no tells.

Well, when in doubt, bluff. I stuck my fingers into the hole I'd chewn and began to try to pull the entire viewscreen off. "You little liar. When I get you out of there I'm gonna make your face look like a plumfiggle."

Ruby ran out of her hiding place and latched onto my leg. "Not a plumfiggle! Please Sam, no, she's telling the truth. We haven't done anything to Cat."

I didn't know what to do. I couldn't trust them. But it was just getting later, and I couldn't stand here arguing with them either.

Finally it hit me. I grabbed Ruby off my leg, tucked her under my arm like a football and took off.

Running back up the stairs, out over the balcony and up over the fence to my bike. This way I had insurance against Gwen getting any bright ideas. And I had the one more likely to eventually come clean if they'd lied to me. Not to mention, if our time with Hector taught me anything, it's that things usually work out for us when we solve our problems by kidnapping someone small.

I assumed, quite rightly it would turn out, that Gwen would let me take Ruby rather than show her neighbors she had a mechasuit by chasing us. But it was still getting close to my appointment with Jatlitch. I used some duct tape to bind Ruby's arms straight down to her sides. I clipped the spare helmet on her head. Then I tied her back to back with me with bungee cords and took off for home.

I got Ruby tied up and gagged in HQ just in time for Jatlich to show up. I felt a little bad about it, but I figured some fear might soften her up.

It turned out Jatlitch brought Tori, another friend of Cat's who may not be a slitch. Though coming with Jade was not a good start.

"Jatlitch so good of you to come. And I see you brought Tori."

"What the fizz does that mean?" Jade asked.

"Jade the slitch, it's your name, right?" I asked.

"that much I know, you've said that before. But what the fizz does slitch mean?" Jade asked again.

"The first part is from a word ending in -ut and the second part is from a word that starts with b. It's not algebra." I said.

Jade looked snide and angry and said, "Some of us would understand it even if it was algebra."

I wanted to start something, but these were Cat's friends. "Then you'll have no problem figuring it out." I finally said, dropping it.

Jade started to say something but Tori put her hand on her arm and just said, "It's about Cat, Jade, c'mon." and she closed her mouth.

Only to open it again a moment later. "What the chiz have you done with Cat?"

"I could ask you the same thing." I said.

"What do you mean? She was fine until you came along." Jade said.

"What do YOU mean? She was fine two weeks ago." I yelled back at her.

Tori agreed with me, saying , "She's right Jade. Sam and Cat have been roommates since June. Cat's been like this for less than two weeks."

"Exactly." I said.

But Tori immediately turned on me. "But that doesn't mean your good for her, or that we can trust you. Cat has been fine, on the scale of Cat. But Jade's right too. Cat has been different since she knew you."

"Of course she has," I said, "She started developing superpowers the day we met."

"Yeah that's the funny thing," Jade said in a voice that meant it was definitely not the funny thing. "On the subject of her superpowers Cat's like, 'yay I have superpowers.' 'wanna see my superpowers' 'is there anything I can do to help you with my superpowers?' But on the subject of her new roommate and business partner, she's suddenly, 'what's that supposed to mean?!' and 'I don't see how that's any of your concern.' Jade did all the Cat quotes in a surprisingly accurate Cat impression. "She won't question you, nor hear a word against you. So I did my own investigating."

"Yes I know, you sneaky little bichon. You're the one that told Cat I have a record. You told Cat you didn't trust me. You told Cat not to let me move in. You told Cat not to go into business with me. You showed Cat the Seattle Juvie website where my old probation officer is mislabeled my current Parole officer. And I know you knew it. Because if I was really on parole they would have switched my case locally when I moved here and I would still be seeing them."

"You did all that, Jade?" Tori asked.

"Why do you think I call her a slitch?" I asked.

"That is a pretty speccy thing to do." Tori said.

"You don't get it." Jade said. "You don't know. Tori you've been friends with Cat, just a few years. And you, Butchy McBoygirl, you've been her friend a few months. I've known Cat a lot longer than that. I've been with her. Holding her hand. Protecting her. Longer than you want to even think about."

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "You talk a lot." I said. "And most of it is bullsketch. You were a decent friend to Cat . I'll give you that. Grudgingly. But just in the time Tori's known Cat; you've, if not exactly failed her, you've certainly been no better of a friend than anyone else. And while you've been with Beck, both times, the only time you made time to do anything with Cat was when you were specifically doing it to blow Beck off and toy with him. And since we've been roommates how often have you come over? Cat invites you dozens of times, but it's always, 'oh I'll catch you next time.' I won't believe it's because we hate each other. I get the feel that we both hate everyone so much that the hate we feel for each other is almost affectionate. We're both Cat's friends. But you cannot compare being there on the phone sometimes if Cat has a nightmare even if it was for years, with me being there every single time since I met her; and not on the phone. In the room, in the bed if that's what she wants. If her parents call and she's sad cause she misses them, she cries to me. If she's having nightmares about her brother locking her in the closet or any of the other list of horrors he did to her. that's me again. If she's scared of the dark or the wind or the storm or tiny food or door to door salesmen or the clouds being too 'shapey' I'm there. Me."

For a minute there I thought we might have a moment. And maybe we'd all be friends. But to my relief Jade fixed that problem. "Whoa, you talk a lot too. And you're awful proud of yourself, it sounds like. But guess what, I don't care. This isn't the "How Much Can Sam Talk Chiz?" Show."

"Suck a truck." I said.

"There with be no truck sucking," Tori yelled. "Yes , Jade and I want to know what your intentions are toward Cat. But that's just fluff next to the real question all three of us are asking. What the heck is up with Cat these last ten days."

"My 'intentions' toward Cat are none of your business." I said the word in my best fancy old lady voice. "But I have proven I want to be the very best friend I can to her. And part of that is finding out what's going on with her right now. Isn't there some black magic or foul spirit of hell you can summon to give us a claw in the right direction." I asked Jade.

"What do you mean ?" Jade asked.

"You don't need to play coy. Cat told me you were some big witch around town." I said.

"The correct term is Wiccan. And no I am not." Jade said, sounding a little flustered.

"What ya hiding Jade?" I asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Jade replied, seeming even more disturbed.

"My cousin in Arizona is Wiccan. And while they have been trying to reclaim and destigmatize the word witch. A witch and a Wiccan are not the same thing. One is a religion and the other is a specific type of natural magic user. The bruja my cousin goes to is as Catholic as they come." I said, a little confrontationally. Cat's stuff was too important to be playing games.

"There's no such thing as real magic." Jade said, as if that settled it.

"Yeah, I know a doll named Clarice who would beg to differ on that." I said. I knew Cat had told them, she'd told everyone. So I wouldn't have to explain myself.

I wasn't the only one who noticed Jade's anxiety. "You always get like this when this rumor comes up." Tori said, "I always thought it was because you were sick of hearing it. Now I'm not so sure. After the chiz you just gave Sam, you're gonna look like a real wazbag if there's something you can do and you don't."

"Fine," Jade yelled. "But no one is to speak of this. No one is to come to me with their problems or ask me any further favors. I need something of Cat's." She stormed into our room and before I could stop her she was back with Mr. Purple. "This'll do. nothing has more of Cat's energy." She flopped into a chair holding the stuffed giraffe to her chest and arcing her body over it, like she was trying to surround it.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Shut up!" She said with more power than it warranted. "I'm working!"

A moment later she sat up, but she was still absently petting the giraffe like she was trying to coax the last little secrets from it's fur. "I see a doofwad in a cape. I think his name is Poober."

"Naw, the doofwad's name is Dilben. Poober was this teddy bear a girl we babysat was obsessed with. Well I say girl but she was grinchy enough to be called a Jade I think."

Jade let this one past, she had other things on her mind. "Teddy bear... cuddle demon! That's what I've been smelling since I got in here. "

As soon as she said the word 'smell' it hit me. That was the dirty socks smell that as mixed with Cat's sugar stink last night. Little Ellie's unwashed toy.

"Cuddle demon?" Tori asked. "That does not sound good."

"Obviously. No demon is good. But yes cuddle demons are a particularly dark class. They have taken the form of toys for the purposes of enslaving and corrupting children. I thought they'd all been destroyed." Jade said.

"Well if Dilben knows something about this. Dilben lives in this complex." I said, ready to tear the prissy little liar apart.

The two of them followed me when I went to Dilben's apartment and rang the bell. My gut wanted to just knock the door in. His dad worked long hours and he had no friends. I knew he'd be alone. But I had Cat's voice in my head now, telling me to try to be nice.

"Ahoy!" He said, "It's Sam. Why do you darken my doorstep?"

I grabbed his forelock, lying on his forehead like a waxed poop and pulled it straight up. "I hear you've been messing with my friend."

"Emergency! Emergency!" He screamed. "Assistance! Constable! I require a constable! Someone fetch a gendarme"

I had no idea what he was saying, but Tori immediately stepped forward. "Do you really think it's smart to involve the police? We've done nothing illegal. Can you say the same?"

He was immediately silent.

"Let me in." I said, tossing him back into the apartment by his hair and following in. "Thank you."

"I demand to know what your doing." Dilben said.

"You may not know it, because you're pathetic and have no friends. But I am pretty big around here. Super powers, can and will crush you into a meat fruit if you cross me." I told him, moving forward to grab him again.

"I am entirely aware of your crushing and meat fruiting abilities. I'll tell you what you want to know. But I will tolerate no fisticuffs." I kept coming at him and he shouted, "I command you to listen to me!"

I stopped. "Fine." I said, waiting.

"What do you know about Pappy Van Bibble?" He started.

"It's the Bibble brand in the silver can. It's Cat's favorite. She says Old Mother Cupboard Bibble doesn't have the same bang." I said.

"No, no, no! Not the Bibble brand. The man."

"You mean he's not just an advertising mascot?" Jade interrupted.

"That is precisely what I mean, rude stranger girl." Dilben said. "Papi van Bibble was a European scientest and inventor working in England in the 1800's. Now popcorn had just been invented in America, and van Bibble was trying to find a non-toxic edible coating that popcorn could be coated with so it would not go stale whilst on ships to England."

"Whilst?" I asked.

"Whilst!" Dilben insisted. "He found a natural wax on the seeds of the bummbladder fruit, a relative of the plumfiggle."

"Bummbladder? Sounds like something that makes you pee out your butt." I interrupted, laughing.

Tori laughed, and I could tell Jade was trying not to smile but she still said, "Shut up! I know he's boring and obnoxious. But teasing him doesn't get the story told faster."

I could see her point.

"Quite right, rude stranger girl. So van Bibble found a natural edible wax, but unfortunately it was more bitter than earwax." Dilben continued.

I was going to say, 'so you eat a lot of earwax, do you?' but I remembered it was for Cat and I kept my mouth shut.

"Van Bibble mixed the wax with sugar and to his suprise, when the two were mixed and heated, it not only was incredibly delicious. Also the sugar chemically bonded with the wax to make a new substance he called bibbite. At this point, of course, van Bibble thinks his troubles are over. He's completed his quest and his new coating causes popcorn to taste better than anyone could have imagined. However, little did he know there was a problem."

"Was it that he was a little snozzbag who talks on and on endlessly without getting to the point?" I asked.

"Surely with what I hear about your little feline friend, you can guess better than that." Dilben said.

"It was addictive?" Tori asked.

"It was addictive, extremely addictive. Very good, other girl." Dilben said, "He was able to lessen the bummbladder wax to levels that just brought customers coming back. And was only truly addictive in certain sensitive types. But pure bibbite. like Ellie and Poober are giving Cat. That is more addictive than anything. More addictive than you can imagine."

"Why are they doing it?" Tori asked.

"I can't know everything. I know Ellie is making Cat use her powers to get Ellie friends. But that can't be all of it; beside the fact Poober doesn't want Ellie to have friends. Because the less she depends on Poober, the less Poober controls her." Dilben said.

"I know." Jade said.

"Do you want to share?" Me and Tori asked at the same time.

"No reason to do it here. Dilbert here obviously values knowledge. But we have nothing more to get from him. I think we're done here." Jade said.

"My name is Dil=ben." Dilben said prissily.

"Nobody cares!" All three of us said at once. Looked at each other in surprise and shared a threeway high five.

"I could tell you where Ellie lives." Dilben said. "You obviously don't know that if you came here rather than going straight over."

"True," I answered. "But I think I've got a better person to lead us there."