There are some out there in the world who would think that coping with traumatic events would be a breeze, if you only had your family to give you the comfort and support you needed. Back on Lothal, long before my parents were taken from me, that's actually what some of the children my age had thought, the Holonet on Lothal would broadcast these private programs to entertain us younger kids. They would show holographic images of people dealing with various problem, an episode on traumatic events had been one of them. And it had said that if you just stay around your family, then everything would be fine and you would heal. Naturally, it was just a way to keep the innocence inside us children, it was way so that we wouldn't know the horrors of what was really going on, because that's not how life works.
It was traumatic when I lost my parents, it was traumatic when I first felt the Dark Side of the Force, it was traumatic when Ahsoka died at the hands of Vader and when Kanan lost his eyes because of me. In two of those events I did have my new family to help guide me, but I was still so angry and not myself even with their help. And now after of silently bottling everything up, I realize now that they can't comfort you from everything. My name is Ezra Bridger, and it was only a month ago that my master and I went through something traumatizing with the Sith Lord; Darth Maul.
Even after the first week of being back on Chopper Base, I knew that what happened to me had changed me, but not in a good way. I didn't say a word to anyone about what went down with Maul, even though I could tell they really wanted to ask, they said nothing and I was grateful for that, for everyone giving me the space I needed— But still, I felt different. The nightmares that plagued my mind when I fell asleep only seemed to be getting worse as time went on to the point where I had been refusing to sleep and only that but I also noticed that after a while physical contact with others, scared me. Whenever I'm not expecting the touch, it made my skin crawl, my heart race and my breathing to come labored.
There had been a moment, in the two weeks that followed where Hera was briefing us about a mission that Rex and Zeb would be supervising when one of the passing crew members that were simply moving cargo around moved behind me and brushed up against my back to get by. It had been unintentional and nonthreatening but it also had unexpected and surprising all the same, and it made me stiffen and my heart rate to speed up, memories of what Maul had done to me flashed within my eyes and I couldn't help but collapse to my knees as I struggled to breathe. I woke up in my room after that, realizing that this was something else Maul had taken from me.
But what was most noticeable, between myself and everyone on Atollon was that I couldn't use my Lightsaber. And by couldn't, I mean that whenever I saw it on Kanan's belt or whenever I tried to hold it if Kanan ever offered it to me. I would freeze in place and then I would get slammed with memories of what that weapon had done to me and I would start having flashbacks. The first time Kanan handed me my saber after we both decided that we were ready to continue my training, I took one look at that thing and suddenly I was with Maul again, he had me pinned to the floor with my Lightsaber in his hand and then agony hit me and he started laughing and— then I was awoken to my Master shaking me, calling my name, holding me upright. I started crying after that. Telling Kanan that I wasn't ready to use that thing just yet as I apologized profusely to him, feeling as though I was failing him as a Padawan. And my surrogate father merely nodded, understanding and reassuring as he always was.
But as much as I am traumatized about what happened, so was Kanan. Along with my own nightmares, flashbacks from the past and breakdowns I noticed that my Master had also changed for the worst, just like me. He's become more overly protective of me over this last month, getting angry at anyone who just so happens to accidentally trigger an episode from me by unexpectedly touching me...in fact from what Hera told me after I woke up from that first episode, Kanan had grabbed the young man by the shoulders, angrily yelling at the guy, almost to the point of hitting him if not for Rex, who stepped in immediately and stop the confrontation from going any further. Among that, Kanan's mind seemed to be changing, there were moments where as we meditated outside, I felt Kanan's fear of being alone, his anger towards Maul and anyone who sought to hurt me, his brokenness from all he's gone throug, his guilt for what happened to me.
But the one thing that I was feeling the most above all the chaos going on inside my father's mind, was his madness. His growing madness, the one that he told me about before we were both discharged from the medical bay, that began from being isolated for weeks, from being disconnected from me and from his injuries, the madness that caused his hallucinations, when I asked him about it, asked him to describe what was going on, Kanan explained that whenever he was alone, all by himself that was when the voices inside his mind would come out, ones that would tell him to do these awful things to his friends, to his family. And along with them, Kanan could also hear Maul's voice. And if I concentrated hard enough, I found that I could also hear them too, hear them torment Kanan— hear Maul torture my Master with and mock him.
After that revelation, I made sure to never leave Kanan alone ever again. I requested from Commander Sato if I could move into Kanan's room, and was relieved when he gave me immediate clearance without any hesitation. "Of course, Ezra." Sato had said to me when I attempted to give my reasoning for wanting to move into Kanan's room. "I understand that Kanan is the one person who knows what you are going through, it's natural that you would want to be closer to him." Not the explanation I had planned but I went along with it anyway. And while Kanan noticed very quickly that I was hanging around him quite more then I ever have, I could tell that my mentor didn't mind in the least, in fact, I think that it's actually been helping keep the voices away, in keeping Maul's voice away. And being around Kanan so much was actually helping me too.
But it only helped so much.
Our nightmares still tormented us every single night, I still had episodes where I would be on the verge of hyperventilating, and there were moments where Kanan would have his hallucinations. I still couldn't hold my Lightsaber, I still had reoccurring moments were I would hate myself and Kanan still battled his growing madness. Neither of us fine, though we pretended to be for the sake of everyone else— and I think that even they knew that we weren't. But no, we were not healed, or okay. Sometimes I doubt that we ever would be again, and thinking like that always made my heart heavy.
"Ya okay, kid?" I heard Zeb's voice from far off next to me, I turned around and gave the Lasat a smile.
"Yeah." I said with a small nod as I stood up from sitting on Kanan's bed and stretched. "Just— Just wondering if I'm ready to try an wield my saber just get."
The care-free expression on Zeb's face changed at my words. "Oh— Oh... well. That's good."
I could tell that this topic was awkward for him to talk about but I pushed onward needing to vent to someone who wasn't my parental figures. "Kanan says I am ready and so does Hera, even Rex thinks I am but they also said that I could wait until I thought I was ready."
Zeb rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. "Do you think 'yer ready?"
I sighed and rubbed my eyes, frustrated. "Maybe? I mean... I want to be— But I don't know."
"Ezra, what you and Kanan went through—" Zeb paused as I felt him place his hand on my shoulder, a shiver ran through my arm. "It was big but you gotta give it some time, there's no rush."
I shrugged his hand off and started to make my way out of the room I now shared with my Master. "We're in war, Zeb. There's always a rush." I walked out before Zeb could give me any sort of reply.
For the next few hours I walked the grounds of Chopper Base as I waited for Hera and Rex to get back from their supply run. Hera had convinced Kanan to come along, giving the argument that Kanan needed to get off the planet of Atollon and, she was also going to take but but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she still thought I was unfit for travel still and decided to only take Kanan along. I protested at first, knowing full well that Kanan's madness was increasing and was afriad that I would only get worse if I wasn't there. But Hera silently assured me that Kanan would be fine with Rex and herself.
So here, back on Atollon, I waited for them to return. I aimlessly wondered around the area, not knowing what to do with the time I had and by the looks of our Rebellion, they all thought I looked like a lost Loth-cat, and from their point of view I probably did. But there wasn't much else I could do expect wait.
Then finally, finally after a few more hours, I saw the Ghost coming into view. It touched down on Chopper Base and I immediately started to make my way towards it. Rex was the first one to exit, I smiled at him and he gave my hair a ruffle as he passed. "Hey, lad."
Kanan came off next and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that he looked calm and relaxed. I felt him search for my signature with his hand outstretched and made his way over to me. "Hey." I said and I could hear the relief in my own voice.
"Hey." Kanan repeated as he placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Are you alright?"
I nodded my head, "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you...? You're mind— I mean, is it—"
Though Kanan still had his mask over his eyes, I could see that my Master's expression looked grateful as he spoke with reassurance. "I'm alright, Hera made sure that I wasn't alone."
Though that news really shouldn't surprise me, my eyes widened with shock anyway. "So... she knows about— the voices?"
Kanan shifted uncomfortably, "Honestly, I think everyone knows. I'm really not good at hiding it..."
"I was worried—" The words flew out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. But Kanan merely smiled, fondly, giving my shoulder another squeeze before letting it fall to his side.
"I'm alright, I promise." But by the way Kanan's hands shook as he walked away I could tell that he was lying. I sprinted to catch up with him and made sure to brush my arm against his shoulder. Because while physical contact was something I was having trouble with nowadays, Kanan craved it. Maybe it had something to do with being isolated for so long without it, without companionship. Or maybe it had something to do with what Maul did to him or maybe it was the fear of the voices inside his head but for whatever reason Kanan took every opportunity to do so. Embracing, gentle hair ruffles, hands on a shoulder, chaste pecks of fondness on the head or when it came to Hera not chaste pecks, but real in love ones for her and only her.
And that's probably the real reason why everyone knew that something was wrong.
Kanan instinctively moved his arm, returning the light contact and tried to cease his hands from shaking. I inhaled a breathe and decided to try and get his mind off of his madness. "Dad?"
Kanan stopped, abruptly and looked down at me. I could sense his shock that always seemed to be there no matter how often I addressed him by that word. "Yeah?"
I closed my eyes and attempted to calm my beating heart. "I think... I wanna try training now."
The shock only grew as Kanan took off his mask and looked at me with those milky Teal colored eyes. I flinched upon seeing them and seeing the chemical scars that lay permanently a crossed his expression as well as his body. "Are you sure?"
"I mean..." I could feel a tightness in my throat forming and I swallowed. "You said that I was ready."
Kanan knelt down, his hands wrapped around my arms. "I do think you're. But it doesn't matter what I think. You're saber- what happened." A sigh escaped my Master's lips before he continued. "What matters is if you think your ready." Kanan's eyes looked into mine, filled with concern and question. "Do you?"
I repeated the same sentence I said to Zeb a few hours ago, "I don't know... But I— I'm willing to try, is that... okay?" My gaze traveled to the ground, suddenly feeling embarrassed. But Kanan simply squeezed my arms, gently to get my attention.
"Okay."
.
.
.
Kanan waited until it was late in the evening to resume my training. Before that, however, we sat in our room and quietly meditated. There was nothing but silence and our matching breathes. In and out. Deep and calming. Focus, something that Kanan always told me to do. Concentrate. But it was hard to do so with my growing nervousness and the faint whispers I was hearing from within my connection with my Master.
"Ezra." Kanan's voice was so abrupt it made me visibly jump, I opened my eyes and saw Kanan with his eyes closed but his lips were pressed into a thin line. "If you don't want to do this— if you don't think you're ready just yet then we can wait a little longer."
I almost laughed at that. Because that was something similar to what Zeb told me before. "We're in a war, Kanan. I... Everyone need us, and I don't want to feel this way forever. Besides, we don't have time to wait for me to stop shaking whenever I look at my Lightsaber."
"When it concerns your mentality and happiness, Ezra, your family has all the time in the galaxy." Kanan's words made me feel a little bit better about this whole situation but I stubborn, something I also picked up from Kanan as well as my parents. And I made him take me out to train anyway. The air on Atollon was strangely always almost cold, which never really made sense to me given the shape the planet was in, but regardless it always seemed to calm me whenever I was upset. But unfortunately it wasn't much help this time. My nervousness was still very strong and potent and I knew that Kanan could sense it. But he said nothing as we continued walking.
Then Kanan stopped, and I automatically did as well. "Now." My Master said as he turned around and faced me. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked one more time, wanting to be absolutely positive that I certain about restarting my Jedi training or if I was still willing to try.
And honestly I had no idea about either of those two options. But again, I'm stubborn, regardless of the way I was feeling I had to see this through. Biting my lip, I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "Yeah, I'm sure."
Kanan nodded his head and reach behind his back and un-clipped my Lightsaber from his belt and made his way towards me. The minute my eyes laid on the weapon I felt my pulse quicken. And Kanan seemed to sense this, for he raised his hand and made him look to his face. "Hey, it's okay. Look at me, it's okay. Don't rush, take your time." His voice as calming and soothing as always. My nails dug into my palms, letting out a shaky breathe as I did what my mentor instructed. I waited until my breathing even out though my heart was still beating a too fast, but I told myself that I waited long enough so I reached forward to take my Lightsaber back all the while trying to push those vivid memories away from my mind— My fingers brushed up against the cool metal and I flinched back, stumbling back and clinched my hand as though I had been burn. A gasp let my lips as my world fell away once again and I was right back where all this started. With Maul, a sadistic grin was on his face, his sharp teeth made his expression even more terrifying, his laughter filled the room he had me locked in and I felt a pressure on my chest and white hot agony.
I cried out, brokenly as I fell backward, curling into a cocoon in a feeble attempt to protect myself from the pain that was going to be inflicted upon me. "No... No! Please... Please, leave me alone— Please!" I sobbed out to the Sith Lord, covering my head with my arms. I felt hands grasp my arms, trying to pull them away from my face and a scream was ripped from my throat and... then it all stop... Protection, love, and safety all washed over me at the exact same time, those hands from before were gentle as they pulled me forwards and I felt myself being encircled in a bubble of warmth.
It hurt having that comfort back, because I went so long without it, because I was denied it and was only mistreated while I was with Maul, it hurt so much. But at the same time, it didn't. I blindly clung to the comfort, to that warmth cried out brokenly, feeling so relieved to have it back. "Shh, shhh. It's okay. I got you, Ezra. I'm right here." I heard a familiar voice cut through the walls of fear and pain around me, making everything evaporate into a mist and suddenly I wasn't in Maul's hands anymore, I was on the ground, being held by Kanan. "Deep breathes, Ezra. I got you."
My bottom lip trembled and I continued to cry. My fingers dug into Kanan's clothes and I buried my face into his chest. It happened again. I realized, miseribly. I barely touched my Lightsaber and I still ended up on the ground, having a panic attack. I also came to the realization that I was never going to get any better, I was always going to be scared to death of my own saber, the one I spent twice as long on perfecting then I did with my first Lightsaber. Maul had tainted it, corrupted it and that made me so angry. "Why!?" I sobbed, "I don't understand— Why can't I wield it!?" My voice was loud when I spoke those words, they echoed and they were filled my frustration, my anger and sadness. "What's wrong with me!?"
Kanan tightened his arms around me and held me close. "Nothing. There's nothing wrong with you, Ezra. You're just scared and you have every right to be." That same love, protection and security went through our bond and kept me from breaking any further. "These things take time, Ezra. You can't be so impatient. You need to give yourself time to heal, only then will you have the strength to move on." The sense of doubt crossed my mind, as I lay there in the dirt, clinging to my Master. Doubt that I would get better, doubt that I would ever be useful to my family ever again.
In these moments, I couldn't help but hate myself more.
Hours after my little breakdown, Kanan ended up carrying me back to the Base feeling worse for wear. I vaguely remember barely able to open my eyes because of how swollen they were, I felt overwhelmingly nauseous, it felt as though someone took my stomach and twisted it inside out. I recalled how my body ached and my head was pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears. Color swam with in my vision, they mixed together and I couldn't make out what was happening around me but I was able to hear the very voices of Hera, Rex and Sabine, they sounded worry, their volume of their words only made my headache worse, I whimpered and buried, I felt Kanan hold me tighter in his arms.
I blacked out after then and I didn't wake up until much later as I realized that I was laying on my back, my head gently placed onto a soft pillow and my body tucked under a warm blanket. Confused, I open my eyes and saw that the room I shared with Kanan was completely dark if not for the tiny bit of light that shine a small part of the corner of the room. Shifting around, I immediately felt someone sitting by my legs at the end of the bed. I didn't even need to use the Force to know exactly who it was.
For some reason, that knowledge made a lump form in my already raw throat. "Dad?" I asked, the voice that came out of my mouth was hardly audible and not my own.
A hand gently landed on my own, giving it a squeeze. "I'm right here."
I inhaled a breathe and let it out slowly, my eyes closes again and I took a minute to soak in the calm air that seemed to envelope the room. "How are you feeling?"
I thought for a minute, "I... ached all over. My head hurts, my eyes do too." Suddenly I noticed how warm I felt, I wasn't just warm, I was sweating. "Why do I... feel so warm?"
"You had a mild fever a few hours ago. Hera insisted that I take you to see the MD-23 but I knew that you wouldn't want to go back there so soon. So I brought you to our room, and I've been here ever since, with Hera and the others checking on you and helping out very few minutes." Kanan explained to me. "I wrapped this blanket around you, turned off the lights and you basically have been here, sweating out your fever. It broke a little over an hour ago."
"Thank you. Tell them that too when you see them."
Kanan's silhouette moved and was facing me completely now. "You can tell them that when we go outside."
I blinked in utter confusion. "What?"
"While you slept, I started thinking... about the times where I was a Padawan with my own Master... I remembered whenever hurt, or sick or sad that she would take me for a long walk in the fresh air, she said that it would help clear my mind, relax and take in the comfort I needed to keep going on and I found that it helped me."
"So what? You want to go for a walk? With me?"
Kanan let out a huff of air, "That's what I'm trying to say, yes."
"But I'm sick."
"No, you aren't sick... Well okay were, but technically the only reason you felt that way was because you were so overwhelmed by your emotions caused by your panic attack that that was your bodies way of attempting to fix the problem."
I shifted in the bed, my body still ached and my legs didn't feel like moving at all. "I don't think I can walk, honestly."
"I'll carry you on my back, just like my Master did for me."
I stared at my mentor incredulously, "You'll carry me?"
The expression Kanan wore looked to one of a mixture of exasperation. "If you don't want to go then simply say 'No'."
"No." I said hurriedly, not to cause further stress upon Kanan already. "It's not that... I just didn't think you could carry something or someone and use the Force to help you get around at the same time too."
"Then you can be my eyes."
Silence filled the room, knowing that Kanan hasn't ask me to do that in a very long time.
"So?"
"Alright."
.
.
.
"So are we going somewhere in particular?" I asked curiously, my arms were wrapped around Kanan's neck as the two of us wondered around the outskirts of Atollon. "Anywhere you have in mind?"
Kanan shook his head as he continued to walk, "Nope. My Master never had a certain destination whenever she would do this for me, she just would walk around until I felt better. Looking ahead I saw a crater that looked too big for my Master to step over and I voiced to him, warning him what was in his path even though I think he already knew the hole was there. "No matter how long it took."
I sighed, so that's what this was about. "So you honestly think that this one walk with you is going to magically heal me? Make my nightmares go away? Make me hate myself less? Take everything away?" The tone in my voice filled with sudden irritation and frustration. Kanan stopped immediately and sent calming thoughts.
"Easy, Ezra. Deep breathes." His tone protective, safe.
Guilt gnawed at my heart, because Kanan wasn't doing anything wrong. He was only trying to help me, help me heal and be there for me like he's always been. "Sorry... I didn't mean to... to sound so angry. I guess I'm just tired."
"It's alright, Ezra." My Master soothed, and continued our stroll. "But answer your question; No, I knew that this wasn't going to help you automatically. It took a while for it to help me... but I figured that it be a start." I smiled, warmth spreading through my heart, replacing the guilt. I let out a yawn and laid my chin on Kanan's shoulder, all the while thinking how I didn't deserve him in the least. Even when he's going through his own issues, he puts them aside and tries to help me.
"You're thinking too loud, kid." Kanan spoke out with amusement. "Focus. Calm your thoughts, relax."
I did as I was told, closing my eyes against the blinding yellow sun rays. And then Kanan proceeded to tell me stories about when he was younger, stories that were long after Order 66 but long before he meet Hera and the two of them became partners, well along with Chopper. I listen to each and every story, intently, a smile on my face as I realized that for the first time in a month, I felt genuinely calm, at peace and relaxed, not as guarded or on edge like I have been lately. And by the time I reopened my eyes, it was already dark out. "Kanan, I think we should head back. It's getting really dark out." I felt my mentor stop and nod against my head that was gently leaning into his own, he turned around and started making our way back to Chopper Base.
A couple minutes later and I heard a screeching, it was loud and familiar and dangerous if you were as connected to the Force as Kanan was, which I wasn't. It was the spiders.
Karablast.
"Kanan." I warned, my voice dragged out his name as my nervousness started to take over, because damn did I hate those things. A loud thumps sounded out behind us, making the ground shake, then several more abruptly happened around us, the quakes causing Kanan's knees to buckle and he almost fell to the ground but was able to keep himself upright for what I assume was for my sake.
One of the spiders attack and Kanan easily dodged it. "It's alright, don't give them a reason to attack you. Remember what I told said; Go in peace." He instructed, calmly.
"Okay..." I said, through shaky breathes of air as the spiders hoarded around us. Blocking our way of escape. "Okay." I closed my eyes and concentrated, taking several deep inhales through my nose and emptied my mind, letting go of my tension. Letting go of my immediate defensive nature towards the spiders.
And when I opened my eyes, the spiders had stopped moving, looking like statues, frozen there for a second, then without warning one of them attacked. Kanan dodged, I heard him grunt when I saw that he almost slipped on a small crater. "Ezra, they sense your fear, let go."
I was confused as to what was happening, "I did, I swear!"
Which was true, I know for a fact that I did. What was happening, why were they still attacking us when I wasn't agitated anymore? But then as my mentor continued to dodge the spiders with me still latched onto his back, I felt how tense Kanan's body was, I saw how much his body was shaking and how hard he was panting, and none of that was from avoiding the crawlers. I've known Kanan long enough to see him dodge larger things and not break a sweat. This should be easy for him, effortlessly, instead it wasn't. I reached out to the Force, grasping onto our connection to see exactly what was going on here, the bottom dropped out of my stomach when I heard the faint voices whispering around Kanan's mind, they were talking to him, telling him things just like they've done before. Among them, I realized so was Maul's, I shuddered.
But then I understood. I understood the reason the spiders were attacking us... Before when Kanan was able to connect with them, he had a clear mind, accepting himself and his faults,, being at peace with himself. Now though, with his madness growing ever larger, the spiders could no longer tell who he was anymore. For they sensed the voices within my mentor's head, the darkness they held, they sensed Maul and his lingering hatred and manipulating fear. And that alone made them attack. "Kanan, the spiders aren't attacking because of me, their doing it because of you." Kanan stopped moving abruptly, the look on his face was filled with horror.
I attempted to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, not really. "It's because they can hear the voices too, inside your head."
"But I—" The tone of his voice was no longer calm and collected. It held fear, Kanan was afraid.
"You have to calm down too."
"I—" But Kanan didn't get to finish his sentence for something solid and large collided behind me and sent both of us crashing to the floor. I cried out as I fell on my back, I could do nothing but simply lay there completely dazed, the screeching of the spiders becoming louder as my ears stopped ringing.
"EZRA!"
A screech of agony echoed throughout the area, I blinked owlishly as the fog lifted and I regained movement in my limps once again. Sitting up, my eyes locked onto Kanan as I witnessed him fighting on of the crawlers, his Lightsaber drawn. I looked around me and saw two spiders that were cut completely in two. My gaze went back to Kanan and the crawlers he was fighting.
"Back off!" Kanan called out, I sensed his anger, it was so raw and exposed that it almost physically burned me and I flinched away impulsively. "How dare you hurt him! You'll pay for that!"
Kanan was no longer scared now, the fear of Maul in his head was replaced by pure rage, the same fury that has been coming out lately whenever something bad happened to me. But... But Kanan was too angry, I've never seen him that way and it hurt, so much. My master was so angry, in fact that he didn't see the spider charging to his left with a screech that pierced the air. "Kanan, look out!" I yelled out, but it was too late. The crawler had crashed into my mentor and sent him flying, where he land hard on the ground and remained there un-moving.
My heart stopped as an image of nightmare flashed within my mind, it was of Kanan laying in that exact position, burn marks covered his entire body, where he was nothing but a heap of limps, dead. The image was gone as soon as it had come the giant insects were crowding around Kanan, going in for the kill. "No!" I cried out, fear clasping down on my very soul, the fear of losing my mentor once again, bolting forward I reached out with the Force and called something, anything to my hand that would help me protect Kanan. The Force seemed to answer my call when my fingers closed around an object that I didn't bother to look at as I blindly rushed forward, leaping into the air I brought down the weapon in my hand in a slashing motion. I repeated the movement until everything became quiet, until it was just Kanan and I again.
Sweat dripped down my forehead, my breathes were labored and shallow but I didn't care, I had protected Kanan, more so I protected both of us. I reached up and wiped the moisture from my face, taking in a huge gulp of air, greedily. Suddenly a groan echoed out, my limps moved on their own as I ran forward and fall to my knees beside my mentor. "Kanan!" I gasped out, my heart still pounding in my chest. My hands hovered over Kanan, watching him sit up and grasped his head and winced. Heavily concerned, I reached out the deep cut above Kanan's eyebrow, hoping that it wasn't as serious as it looked. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah... I'm alright." The reply was raspy and still slightly disoriented.
Anger flared within my soul, "What were you thinking!?" I seethed, digging my nails into my palms. "You were so... angry. I felt it and it hurt— Dad... You almost got yourself killed, what the kriff!?" My emotions got the better of me and my fist connected with Kanan's chest; once, twice, three times.
Kanan blocked my assaults and pushed my hands away. "I... They... You almost died—"
"So did you!" I clinched the Jedi weapon in my hand, as I bit my lip in aggravation, . "If I hadn't jumped in when I did those crawlers would have killed you! I mean I know you wanted to protect me but you—"
Kanan's voice no longer sounded adrift or lost. It held only awareness, recognition as he spoke my name, "Ezra."
"What?"I looked away from Kanan, still irritated with my reckless Master for almost dying.
"The weapon your holding, it's my Lightsaber."
I blinked owlishly, frozen by those words. Slowly, I looked down to the weapon I had been holding and found that Kanan was right, I was holding his saber. I felt oddly numb about that realization but my Master on the other hand, looked ecstatic as hands were on my shoulders, gripping them tightly, as Kanan slightly shook me to get my attention."Ezra, see? This is good!"
Honestly, what was he getting at? "What are you talking about? So I'm holding your saber, so what?" I bit the inside of my cheek and let the weapon drop to the ground with a clang. "You're saber didn't do what mine did to me. This doesn't mean anythi—" Then I was cut off as I was encase with an armful of Kanan, he pulled me close.
"Yes, it does." Kanan interjected, gently. "Ezra, you saved me. You saved both of us, you acted and protected without thinking. Which is a Jedi's natural secondary defense is to protect others." Kanan pulled back and looked at me, his Teal milky-white held such reassurance and hope, hope for me. "I'm not saying that your 100% healed just by holding my Lightsaber, no one in your position would be, what I am saying is that this means, to some extent that your getting better. And that's a start."
My lower lip trembled, "You really think I'm ready?"
A small smile graced Kanan's expression. "Of course I do, Ezra. But do you?"
I closed my eyes and let out a low breathe. "Only one way to find out." I said slowly, "Kanan? I'd like to have my Lightsaber."
Kanan nodded, reaching behind his back and un-clipped my saber from his belt for the second time and held it out to me. I looked at it and dug my nails into my palms as those same images as before flashed within my eyes, then I felt a hand on my shoulder, steadying me, keeping me grounded to reality. "Remember, take your time."
So I did, I waited and breathe in and out. I focused my mind, concentrated on what my heart wanted. I listen to both of them. One said I was ready, but the other said that I was still broken. And both of them were right, and I found myself automatically leaning towards my heart, because it was a safe place, where I could curl up and hide from the pain no matter how damaged it was but I mentally shook my head, backing away. Forcefully telling myself that I couldn't stay there forever, because this was my choice. I wasn't completely healed, but I also didn't want to stay broken forever. So I choose the middle ground, the path that I walk down and help me get better little by little, with the help of Kanan and everyone else.
And when I opened my eyes I felt better about myself, lighter, less tense. I still felt that fear inside me, fear of what happened but I pushed it down and reached for my saber. You are my weapon. I use you to do good, to help people and to take down the Empire. You obey me. I told myself and my saber, determinedly. My fingers brushed against the cool metal and I breathed as the fear spiked within my heart, it shrunk away, immediately scared and wanting to hide but I planted myself firm and closed my hand around the handle. The feelings of disgust and self-loathement, and anger as they tried to claw their way to my heart to limp mind and limps but I pushed away them all away as I gently took my Lightsaber from Kanan held it within my hand.
A gasp let my lips, my entire body was shaking, I could hardly take in a decent breathe of air from the exertion I out myself through and my heart still felt so scared as it tried to remind me what this thing had done to me, but I let it all fall away as I realized that did it. I was able to with stand my fear and take back something I thought was lost to me forever. A laugh escaped my throat, I kept on laughing even when my vision blur and I felt tears of joy cascaded down my face. I looked to Kanan and saw that he looked just as happy as I was.
"Kanan..." I laughed again, as I gripped the weapon in my hand. "Dad... I did it."
"I see that." And I sensed waves upon waves of love and pride and happiness encase my mind and heart, it felt them wrap me in a bubble of safety that was my connection to Kanan. More tears fell down my cheeks as I flung my arms around my Master's waist and clung to him, burying my face in his chest, and I felt Kanan return it immediately.
"I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you, Ezra." Kanan's voice was gentle and kind and happy as he rubbed small circles on my back and carded his fingers through my hair. My body still continued to shake and my heart still attempted to show me it's fear, proof that I still had a long way to go before I was healed but I was okay with that, because I wasn't alone. "Thank you..." I sobbed out gratefully. "Thank for being here for me, Kanan."
"Always, my Padawan."
And the two of us stayed like that until the sun rose.
.
.
When we arrived back at Chopper Base a few hours later, Hera was— well saying not happy would be an understatement, she was fueled, more so then I have ever seen her. She gazed at us, saw our cuts and bruises and immediately ordered us to go inside and left without another word. Which neither of us could blame her for, we were gone for a long time, she probably though something horrible happened to us. As the nurse droids treated our minor injuries, that's when Hera came in, Zeb and Sabine looked just as angry as Hera did as they walked in behind her, the only one who looked relatively calm was Rex.
Hera demanded an explanation. And Kanan explained what happened, it didn't take very long, only a couple minutes at best. But then when Kanan got to the part about my Lightsaber, I took that moment to stand up and show them, showed them that I was getting better. Their expressions changed almost instantly, going from angry to shocked to happy in almost a matter of seconds.
"Alright, kid! You did it!" Zeb beamed with a light chuckle.
Rex smiled and nodded to me, "Good job, lad. Knew you could do it."
"I'm still not happy with what you two did." Hera announced as she walked over towards us only to gently place her hands on our shoulders, "But I'm just glad you both are alright." Then she looked at me and I saw her eyes forming tears, she smiled and leaned forward and place small kiss on my forehead.
I leaned into it, with a sigh.
A hand brushed against my back and gave it a pat and I impulsively stiffened. I looked up and saw that it was Commander Sato, "Well done, Mr. Bridger." I scoffed and bit my lip, closing my eyes and breathed. In and out. Focus. Everything's alright.
"Ezra?" I heard Kanan's voice within my head, and I latched onto it. and my mentor responded by placing a hand on my neck. "Are you alright?"
I let out a laugh and chewed at the inside of my cheek. "No...Not really." I answered truthfully, and Kanan's expression was a mix of concern and irritation towards Sato. "But... I think that one day I will be."
The look of anger in Kanan's eyes dissipated and I felt as well as heard him let out a deep breathe. "You will be. Because you have us." His words and the rest of my family's presence calmed me, slowly piecing back together my damaged heart.
Maybe Holonet broadcasts weren't so wrong after all.
*falls to the ground* Finally! It's doneeeee.
Gawd, guys. GUYS! Five days, five days I have been working on this sequel for "At The Hands Of An Enemy". And now I'm finally done. Well— with Ezra's anyway. Kanan's is next and I don't even know how to begin writing his part. All I know right now is that I am tired and I feel as though I need to rest for like a month, because this is so long and I'm sorry that it is. I always intended for it to be long, one of the many reasons I ended "At The Hands Of An Enemy" is because I truly felt that that story was told, that way I could expand more and Kanan and Ezra's trauma through these one-shots. I mean, this is not my best one-shot, personally for me there are various sections I don't like (but I'm just too tired to go back and redo) but this is certainly the longest one I've done and the most detailed. But I'm not ashamed to admit that there were parts that I teared up while writing, I was that invested into Ezra's character.
However I did have fun writing in Ezra's POV. I also enjoyed writing his trauma and everything he was thinking and feeling in more vivid detail. Detailing the fact that Ezra was afraid of his own Lightsaber and training in general was something I wanted to pay attention too the most, because from what I know about the Star Wars franchise, is that a Jedi's saber is basically an extension of themselves, it's apart of them, it's connected to them and that's also the very reason why Ezra was so frustrated and sad when he couldn't even hold it because Maul had tainted it.
I also wanted to show that while this is Ezra's POV and while Kanan is as helpful and there for Ezra as he has always been. That doesn't mean he's alright. His madness is slowly growing, the voices are only going to become more frequent and so will Maul's, and that will only make the hallucination's return will undoubtedly have Kanan lose touch with reality. But regardless of his own issues, Kanan's number one focus will always be on Ezra, because that is who he is, and because that is his Padawan and he loves the kid.
Anyway, a penny for your thoughts? Reviews are always appreciated and right now I could really use some because I am physically drained. SO please leave them in a review and I will see you all soon once I have planned and found a way to write for our dear and loving Cowboy Jedi's trauma.
