Gone But Not Forgotten
A/N: This is a story I wrote for someone I know who is dealing with a tough anniversary today. She will know who she is. I hope this story helps a little. Thank you for reading!
Chapter 1
As Mike drove around the corner onto Union Street it was just turning ten to eight in the morning. The morning sun was shining brightly and starting to heat up. As he pulled the LTD up at the kerb, a brief glance upwards revealed his partner leaning over the railings outside the front door of his apartment, staring dreamily out at the sea. The strong sea breeze was blowing his wavy locks in every direction and he seemed to be in deep thought. So deep in fact that he hadn't even noticed Mike's arrival. Mike studied his partner for several seconds and something about his partner's demeanor bothered him. He had been his usual chatty self the previous evening as Mike had dropped him home and had been looking forward to a night out with some old college friends later on but today he seemed at first glance to be knee deep in the doldrums.
Perhaps he had partied too late with his friends and was now blowing off the cobwebs or the remnants of a hangover from over indulgence. Mike almost hoped that was the reason as normally Mike would have had to make the trip across the road, and up the steps to his apartment and knock several times before his sleepy looking partner would appear in various stages of readiness. Today he seemed to be fully ready and waiting for Mike and the unusualness of that alone was enough to set alarm bells ringing. Steve never budged or looked around so Mike gave a quick burst of the car horn and saw Steve jolt back to the present and looking around and seeing Mike he waved and tucking his customary morning paper under his arm, as was the norm, he descended the steps, but today Mike observed he was lacking his usual bounding, energetic step. He crossed the street and opening the passenger door he sat in.
"Hey ..." he said flatly as he threw the paper onto the seat between them.
Mike studied his partner's side profile and definitely saw signs of a sleepless night. When Mike never answered or moved to turn the key in the ignition, Steve turned and looked curiously at Mike, and saw the older man staring at him unnervingly.
"What?"
"Hey. Is that all I get this morning? No good morning Mike. Isn't it a beautiful morning Mike? How are you this fine day Mike? Just hey, huh?"
A wry smile spread all over Steve's face at Mike's answer.
"I just can't please you can I? Here I am up, for once, ready and waiting for you and still you expect lively morning conversation to go with it. Well alright , if it makes you happy. Good morning Mike. How are you on this beautiful sunny day?"
Mike chuckled and reached over and ruffled his partner's already wind tossed hair.
"Well thank you buddy boy. Good morning to you too and actually I feel pretty good this morning." Then very slyly he turned and directed his next question at Steve. "Now how about you?"
Steve was caught slightly off guard by that question.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean what I asked. How are you this morning ? Because to me you look a little off or at the very least tired. Late night with your friends last night? Maybe you're feeling the effects of one too many, is that it?"
Steve's smile widened and he shook his head incredulously from side to side.
"For your information, LIEUTENANT, your detective skills are way off this morning. Actually, as a matter of fact, I didn't ... I didn't go last night ."
At that last wavering statement, Steve's smile faded and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and then gestured towards the road ahead.
"Come on Mike, are we going to work or not?"
"Hold your horses now. We're a little early anyway. Why didn't you go last night? You were looking forward to it."
Mike's face had turned serious and Steve knew he wasn't going to let it drop that easily. Steve sighed and rubbed a hand through his hair.
"I just didn't feel like it, ok? I'll catch them the next time they're in town. It isn't a big deal Mike, now can we please just go?"
Mike stared back at Steve and saw Steve's defiance. Knowing from experience that pushing was the worst thing he could do to get Steve to confide in him, he changed tactics.
"Ok, hotshot. That's all you're giving me, huh?"
That made Steve's smile return and he chuckled as he spoke.
"Absolutely. You want any more morning news scoops, feel free to borrow my paper."
Mike laughed.
"Ok, ok. You win. Let's go."
With that Mike started the car and drove off in the direction of Bryant Street. As he drove he cast an occasional glance over at Steve who had gone strangely quiet again and was watching out the passenger window as if to avoid any more deep and probing questions from his partner. Stopped at a traffic light, Mike couldn't help himself but ask.
"You're not sick are you? Did you get one of those migraines you suffer from last night?"
Steve sighed again in annoyance.
"NO! Ok? I'm not sick and I didn't have a migraine. I just didn't feel like going alright? Now can we please just drop the subject?"
"Sure ... ok. No need to bite my head off. I was just worried that's all." Mike replied turning his attention back to waiting for the green light, visibly annoyed by Steve's reaction.
Steve in turn looked remorseful for his outburst and as they took off again he mumbled.
"Sorry Mike. I didn't mean to snap at you. But sometimes you're like a dog with a bone, that's all and you keep asking me things ... You don't have to worry, ok? There's nothing wrong. Now can we please just leave it at that?"
Mike glanced over again and saw Steve's almost pleading expression and nodded accordingly.
"Ok, buddy boy. I won't mention it anymore."
"Thank you." Steve said with a certain amount of relief in his voice and went back to staring quietly out the passenger window.
The rest of the journey was spent in silence and Mike had barely parked when Steve had hopped out of the car and was heading across the carpark. Mike locked up the car and almost had to sprint to catch up with his partner. Arriving up to the squadroom, Mike noted that it was fairly quiet there this morning. Art and Healy were the only ones at their desks and they both greeted the two men as they arrived. Mike went to fetch his customary morning cup of coffee but Steve removed his jacket, placed it on the back of his chair and started putting paper in his typewriter immediately to start typing the pile of reports that had built up on his desk. Mike turned and watched Steve, baffled by his peculiar mood this morning but at the same time knowing Steve had distinctly expressed no desire to talk about whatever was bothering him.
"Aren't you going to have some coffee Steve?"
"No, thank you."
"You caught me at a weak moment, I'm buying."
"No, but thanks anyway."
Steve didn't want to tell the older man that he'd actually been unable to sleep last night and had drank so many cups of coffee over the last six hours at home that he didn't want to see anymore coffee for the foreseeable future.
He started typing furiously and Mike didn't feel like trying to talk to him over the loud racket the typing made so he took his own coffee into his office and sitting down at his desk he once more studied the back of the young man who was almost taking out whatever frustrations he was harboring on his poor typewriter. The next four hours passed very slowly. Mike had dealt with his own paperwork. Then there had been a squadroom meeting and during it Mike saw Steve once more looking very distracted throughout it and then Mike had been called to a meeting with the upper echelons which went on tediously for over two hours. By the time Mike returned to the squadroom, it was nearly noon and Bill Tanner was now at his desk too.
As Mike entered he heard Steve muttering angrily and saw him slamming papers onto his desk. He seemed to be fiddling with the typewriter and looked fit to kill. Mike looked at Bill who smiled as he knew what he was looking at him for.
"Has he been like that since I left?"
"Pretty much. I offered to help but he said he was fine so I left him alone. What's up with him Mike?"
"I don't know but I'm going to find out. This has gone on long enough." Mike said determinedly as he strode over to Steve's desk.
"Why are you having a disagreement with that typewriter buddy boy?"
Steve never looked up but Mike could almost see steam coming out of his partner's ears and knew he was all heated up about something. His face was flushed with anger and frustration and his usual well coiffured locks were disheveled and tossed. Still fiddling with the infernal machine in front of him , he spoke angrily.
"It's all Rudy's fault. I told him three weeks ago this thing was on its last legs but would he LISTEN? NO! The "R" and the "N" keep sticking. Do you know how many times you need those letters when typing a crime report, HUH? Crime Report, murder scene, murder weapon, I mean seriously how am I supposed to clear this backlog with this machine playing up. He said he'd get me a different one but he hasn't ..."
Then pushing the machine away from him in exasperation he sank back down in his chair with his head in his hands and surrendered.
"Oh to HELL with it!"
Mike had stood and listened incredulously to Steve's rant which was so out of character for his partner who would normally suffer in silence. Then as he watched Steve appear to calm down, he patted the young man's shoulder purposefully and as Steve lifted his head to look at Mike, feeling embarrassed by his outburst, he saw the older man gesturing towards his office.
"Come on, quick march."
Steve knew he was in trouble by the summons but also knew better than to argue with it so he stood up wearily and made his way into Mike's glass enclosed office. He stood beside Mike's desk and reaching down he started fiddling nervously with a pen that lay discarded on it. He heard Mike entering behind him and heard the door being closed. Boy, was he in for it now, he thought to himself. If he was going to get a chewing, the closed door ones were the ones to avoid at all costs and he knew that from past experience both personally and from witnessing them from his desk's vantage point over the last two years of working with the man.
He waited for Mike's raised voice to yell but to his surprise, instead, Mike passed beside him and pointed to the chair for him to sit down on and then went and sat down behind his desk. The closed door telling offs were nearly always delivered standing up so this latest development threw Steve off guard. He didn't sit however but instead started trying to defend himself
"Look Mike, if this is about the typewriter, I'm sorry ok? I shouldn't have lost my temper but it's really annoying and I've asked for that thing to be fixed or changed so many times and so far nothing. It makes life difficult and ..."
To Steve's added surprise Mike interrupted his apology quite calmly.
"Ok, ok, shush now. Forget about the typewriter will you? I'll sort it out and in the meantime you can use Lee's one because he's on a week's leave. Alright? Will that make you happy?"
Steve shifted uncomfortably where he stood and took a deep breath to calm himself. Amazed that Mike was taking his outburst so calmly he forced a smile.
"Thank you. Yes, that would be very helpful. I appreciate it."
But as he turned to leave, Mike stopped him.
"Ah ah, I'm not finished yet. Take a seat will you?"
Steve knew it had been too good to be true. He turned and stared at Mike with exasperation in his eyes but didn't move.
"Please? Sit." Mike cajoled and so reluctantly Steve took two steps forward and dropped into the chair opposite his partner.
Steve brushed both hands through his hair to tidy it back into place and then started rubbing his hands nervously together. He had a bad feeling that this conversation was not going to be to his liking. He waited uncomfortably for almost a minute before Mike finally spoke.
"I didn't call you in here over your little tantrum over the typewriter although I strongly believe it's somehow related to what I am going to ask you next. What's chewing on you Steve?"
Steve opened his mouth to protest but was silenced by a wagging finger and a sharp look from Mike.
"Ah, ah ... And don't you give me that there's nothing wrong routine. Now you should know as partners, that at this stage I know you better than you know yourself. You've been way too quiet this morning."
Steve shifted in his seat again and looked increasingly on edge.
"I don't think my outburst out there somehow qualifies as quiet Mike." Steve said lightheartedly , hoping to detract the conversation away from where it was now predictably heading.
Mike's face remained focused and serious much to Steve's dismay and as he looked back down at his lap, Mike continued.
"No, but it was the culmination of whatever has been chewing on you all morning. Why other than the few words we spoke in the car this morning you've hardly said a word all day. You're distracted and irritable and withdrawn and I want to know why?"
Steve cleared his throat uneasily. He didn't want to say, but he was running out of avoidance tactics. He gave it one last try.
"Aw come on Mike. I'm often quiet. There doesn't always have to be a reason you know? Maybe I just don't feel chatty today, ok?"
"Yes, you can be quiet a lot. But this is a different quiet. "
Steve chuckled nervously.
"A different quiet? I wasn't aware I had a few kinds."
Mike knew the young man was trying to avoid the inevitable but this time he wasn't going to wriggle off the hook so easily.
"Oh yes, you have a few different kinds alright.. Do you want me to fill you in on them?"
Steve smiled again.
"Sure, go ahead. You have me intrigued."
"Ok, well there's your I'm exhausted, it's been a long day and I don't feel like talking quiet, your this case is bugging me and I'm trying to figure it out quiet. Oh and let's not forget the best one the I'm not feeling well but I don't want to let on to Mike quiet."
Steve laughed at the last one one and at all Mike's correct observations. He marvelled at how Mike had him pegged to a tee and so joined in the amusing banter.
"Ok, you seem to have me all figured out. So you tell me. Which quiet am I experiencing today, huh?"
"Well, now today, you have a different quiet. I think it's the something's really upsetting me but I don't want to have to talk about it, not even with Mike quiet and that's the one that worries me the most."
Mike had hit a little too uncomfortably close to the mark and so Steve countered quickly.
"Well I think you forgot another of my so called quiets Mike."
"Oh, what's that?"
"My Mike's acting weird so I need to go back and type up my reports quiet" Steve chuckled and started to stand up to leave as quickly as he could but Mike shot out an arm and once more stopped him.
"Ah, ah, SIT! You're not leaving this office until you drop that enormous chip off your shoulder and spill your guts. Out with it. It can't be that bad surely? You can always talk to me about things. Why not this time?"
Steve sat back down and rubbed a hand over his mouth in the same nervous way he often did. He stayed extra quiet for several seconds and Mike was sure he saw several different emotions cross the young man's face. He wasn't sure if his young partner was going to open up or not but he stayed quiet hoping that he would. After only a minute or two Steve looked up at Mike and the haunting look he gave him sent a chill down Mike's spine.
"What is it buddy boy?"
Steve sat back in the chair and resigned himself to his fate.
"Ok, you win. But first off, it's nothing to worry about. It's just something to do with tomorrow, that's all."
"Tomorrow? You applied for tomorrow off. Is what's bothering you the reason?"
Steve just nodded and then spoke sadly.
"Yeah, it's ... it's an anniversary ..."
Mike swallowed hard, not expecting that revelation and suddenly felt almost afraid to ask his next question but biting the bullet he continued.
"Go on Steve. What ... anniversary?"
Steve appeared to struggle a little and Mike was almost sorry for forcing the young man to talk. Steve leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and Mike had to strain to hear as Steve mumbled downwards, almost talking to the floor as he did.
"It's the anniversary of my ... parent's accident. They ... died twenty five years ago tomorrow ..."
Steve's head stayed hung low and it was Mike's turn to shift uncomfortably in his seat. Composing himself he leaned forward across the desk and placed a supportive hand on the young man's shoulder.
"Well, no wonder you're off form. Why didn't you say something sooner? I would have understood you know?"
Steve didn't look up for several more seconds and when he finally did, Mike was sure he had a glint of moisture in his eyes. He seemed to be struggling to speak and wrestled with the words for more agonizing seconds before he allowed them leave his mouth.
"I know, I know you would, but the thing is ... it's just another year you know but ... well although it's just a number I ... I feel different this year about it and I don't know why."
Mike nodded.
"Well, twenty five years is a long time ... and it's one of those special anniversaries I guess. Is that why you didn't go with your friends last night?"
Steve nodded again.
"Yeah ... I don't know ... It just didn't feel right. Going out and enjoying myself when they ... " He looked up and saw Mike looking pitifully at him and almost regretted telling him. "Stupid huh?"
"No, it's not stupid ... I'm ... well I'm sorry buddy boy."
"I know you are. Well, now you know, ok? Look I better get back to work ..." Steve flustered, as his voice wavered. Feeling his emotions fray, Steve needed desperately to get them back under control and back to work before the other guys witnessed it. He stood up but this time Mike stood up too.
"It's nearly lunchtime, buddy boy. Come on, get your jacket. I'm treating you. Let's go."
"No, Mike. Really, I'm not hungry. I just want to finish those reports."
"The reports can wait. Now come on, I'm not taking anymore no answers from you today. Come on, get your jacket ... Please?"
Steve sighed heavily as if the world was on his shoulders but knowing Mike's stalwart determination as he did he reluctantly walked out to his desk and grabbing his jacket he slung it over his shoulder and walked out of the squadroom, dragging his feet wearily as he went.
Mike grabbed his coat and hat and followed after him stopping at Bill's desk momentarily.
"I'm taking Steve out for lunch. Do me a favor will you and replace Steve's typewriter with Lee's while we're gone will you please? You can leave his broken one in my office and hold the fort. We may be gone a little longer than usual. Ok?"
"Sure, no problem Mike. Is he ... ok?"
"Yes, he will be and thanks Bill."
Mike patted his colleagues shoulder and raced out after Steve.
Mike caught up with Steve heading towards the car. Arriving at the car Steve got into his usual spot behind the wheel but to his amazement Mike came around his side and opening the door again he spoke determinedly.
"Scooch over. I'm driving."
"MIKE! I'm ok to drive."
"I know you are ... but I'm driving. Now SCOOCH!"
Steve shifted himself sideways and dumped his jacket between them grumpily. He knew Mike meant well but he really just wanted to be left alone to wallow in his own misery. Mike could tell that Steve wasn't in the mood for this impromptu lunch but he hoped when he saw what he had in mind it might cheer the young man up even just a little.
