BASTARD OPERATOR FROM... HEAVEN

This story combines goddesses and wishes from OMG universe with some violent and rather sick sysadmin humor, BOFH style (some ideas borrowed from comic stories by Simon Travaglia, currently published in 'odds and sods' section of The Register, some, well, from life). Why not? Urd, Peorth and Skuld are sysadmins, end even in Heaven sysadmins need some fun. And if anyone thinks debugging with a hammer is not BOFH-ish enough, let Skuld show you how a hammer can be used.
The story will contain lots of first-person narration but it's not just another self-insert male day-dream about a sexy goddess. It's just 'BOFH style'. Oh, well, who I'm going to fool with that crap... As any healthy man I will give a finger, maybe a testicle (but only a single ONE!) to have an affair with real Urd. So, SI or not, the hero has much common with the author, including computer-related work, love for Islay single malts (aged not less than 10 years), interest in photography and overall craziness ;) I do have a big Mitsubishi monitor, too. Why 'Me' and not canonic Simon BOFH? The reason is simple, insides of computer room are too boring as the only background, and where sysadmin goes after work? Yes, to the local watering-hole. And here my knowledge of London sucks a lot. So the main location will be... well you'll find out, let me just warn you it's cold, snowy and bears with balalaikas can be found in the street. No sweet Bell in the story, gomen, at least in first episodes. Urd, some Skuld (hammers are cool!) and definitely Hild - I know way too much mother-in-law jokes to miss such an opportunity.
Comments and suggestions are welcome.
Now the last warning - ABSOLUTELY NOT FOR CHILDREN! Bad language, lots of craziness and violence and of course nude drunk Urd inside. And never ever try to do that at home - at least if you are neither a deity nor Russian.
All rights belong to owners, and this non-profit work is created solely and exclusively for fun. Don't sue me - I'm not that rich and besides I never lost a case )
That's all. Have fun and may the certain goddess bless me.


Episode 1. AH! I'M FIRED!
Philosophers sometimes wonder if there are some ultimate Laws of Nature. There is one, for sure. Take Heaven, or Hell, or any of the Mortal Planes - system administration is boring, period. The shift just started but Urd, system administrator for the Heaven's IT division, was completely bored. The fact she had terrible hangover from yesterdays Auto-club party didn't make the life easier. Urd looked around trying to find something to ease the headache - it felt like several thousand hammer-equipped nano-Skulds were having party inside her head. Speaking of the devil, here she was. Urd's younger sister Skuld, debugging engineer and sysadmin assistant in training occupied neighbor workstation. She was also bored and tried to kill some time taming a freshly caught bug, alternatively teasing it with a rather tasty looking (that's from the bug's point of view) Yggdrasil spare part or hitting it with a small plastic hammer. Poor critter was drooling and looked halfway from absolutely annoyed to completely exhausted.
"Skuld, any beer left"
"Nope, sis. And liquor store is not open yet"
"Any suggestions, kiddo"
"I'M NOT A KID"
The number of Skulds hammering Urd's head increased by one. The sysadmin goddess tried to have some fun reading users e-mail, but all she could find was boring legal stuff and some ordinary looking wish contracts. No gossip, no smut. Even Peorth's collection of nasty photos didn't have a single new one.
Big red phone with no keypad suddenly made small noise. Oh no, not that one, not now, thought Urd. But the gods of luck were not supporting her. Definitely not after all mice in their department were glued to the tables. The phone started ringing.
"Urd, I want to see you in my office. Immediately"
"Sure, boss, but we have a network problem here". She pressed a red button labeled "Never push" which switched on random traffic generator connected to the system's main hub. The network immediately went down, and internal phone started to ring. Skuld picked her mallet and hammered the phone flat, effectively avoiding dialog with another annoyed user.
"Urd, switch that garbage generator off, I know about it, and you have one minute to come to my office"
Well, nothing lasts forever. 10000 years were long enough even for IT Boss to learn a thing or two about system administration secrets. Urd could do nothing but go.
Boss was waiting. Of all the avatars this powerful (but not very bright) being could use he chose an image of nerdy balding man in late fourties, with expensive looking glasses, gray suit and polka-dot tie included. His face was radiant red. Urd gasped: this could mean only one thing - deep shit. Really deep shit. And so it was.
"Urd, can you tell me anything about the explosion of Athena's workstation? She said you told her to cycle the power switch 20 times to, quote, clear the dust from contacts, unquote.
"I never believed a user could be THAT stupid. You know, she's believed to be the goddess of wisdom... Did she also note that I asked her to disconnect the mains plug first"
"Okay, and what about the accident with sandpaper and a printer in the accounting department.
"Oh, that's absolutely not my fault. Cant they tell heavy weight paper from sandpaper? Besides, it was Peorth who made the order for the paper, not me"
"HOLY CHRIST"
The door opened."Did you call me? Hi, Urd"
Jay Christ, the head of strategical planning department was just passing by with a big heap of printouts. Boss could only weakly smile. His face became another two points redder, making a perfect example of Pantone Coated Red. Unable to say a word, he only gasped for some air. In the silence, distant kling-klanging could be heard - Skuld performing routine debugging. Sounds of the hammer became louder as she chased the bug.
"Urd, are you sure your assistant is competent"
"Yes, she's an expert"
"But her toolkit consists of A SINGLE BLOODY HAMMER"
"Two"
"What"
KABLAM!
A big piece of plaster fell from the ceiling, breaking the favorite coffee mug of Boss, who instantly paled and made not completely unsuccessful attempt to merge with his leather-clad computer-controlled armchair.
"Now THAT was her OTHER hammer" smiled Urd.
Boss opened the door, just a crack, and looked outside. Skuld stood there with a happy smile on her face, wiping sweat with one hand, the other holding a twenty-pound sledgehammer with a plain wooden handle. The bug was history. Unfortunately, Yggdrasil storage unit, on top of which the creature met its doom, also became history.
"You see, when the unit doesn't work properly, Skuld uses her hammer and we instantly get a replacement"
"But that storage box was Ok"
"Don't worry about /data/hentai/nude/goddesses, we've got backup"
"THAT'S NOT THE POINT! LOOK AT THIS"
Holographic display window opened in mid-air, with a single number in big bold red font. Four digit number, far into the upper part of the range. Oops, make that five-digit number.
"What's that? Your daily salary?" asked Urd trying to sound not interested.
"That's the number of computer-related user casualties since the beginning of this month"
"Hm, let's see the list. No, No, Oh, that was an accident, No, Bug, Bug, Hm... I didn't know Skuld likes THAT kind of jokes... Bug, bug... You see, all those accidents are either caused by users' stupidity or bugs"
"Bugs like THIS one?" Boss picked a cage from the floor. Lock was connected to a small device which looked very much like a timer. "This was found under Peorth's table"
"I didn't know Peorth experiments with bug-breeding"
"Stop giving me bullshit"
"But I didn't, honestly"
"Enough is enough! You are fired"
The telephone rang, caller ID showing number 0. Kami-sama himself. The discussion was short, IT Boss part consisting of "Yes, Almighty" and "Okay". "Hm, looks like you've got a powerful relative up there, Urd. I cannot fire you, but as a punishment you will be transferred to the Assistance pool, with a task to grant wishes for the Earth's nastiest system administrators. I hope this will help you learn what is good and what is bad". He produced a sheet of paper with a list of ten persons. "Here you go. Begin immediately, Skuld will be your replacement for now".

TO BE CONTINUED...

Next Episode: "AH! A WISH"
"How about a clone of Keiichi's wish?" The goddess gave me a dirty look. "Okay, okay, that's silly! Of course I should ask for seven women as Kenta did!" Even tanned skin could not hide the fact that Urd had a blush.