Entry 1

Looks like the so-called Hero of Time has finally met his match. Saw them carrying his coffin past my house to the graveyard this morning. Apparently, he somehow got himself squished by a cow in his sleep.

Serves him right for keeping a cow in his bedroom.

Entry 2

Heard some weird rumours from the blokes at the village pub today: monsters roaming the field, mass kidnappings, break-ins at the castle, etcetera, etcetera.

Utter nonsense, if you ask me.

Entry 3

Oh, no. Looks like I was wrong about the rumours. Just heard from woman who owned that ridiculous puppy, Richard, that Ganondorf has been revived and took over Hyrule castle, though Zelda and that scary Sheikah guardian of hers fled the castle. Castle town is in complete ruin and disarray, again.

No more weekend trips to the bazaars, unfortunately.

Entry 4

Ganondorf's monsters conducted third raid of Kakariko this afternoon. Stepped all over the vegetable patch and ruined my cabbages, the fiends. Feeble attempt to protest failed miserably. They laughed and torched the house down. Now living with annoying puppy owner.

Where's a hero when you need one?

Entry 5

Huzzah! My plea for a hero did not go unheard. New hero appeared in Hyrule today! Apparently his name is 'Bubba Link', claims to be a distant relation of the previous Hero of Time. Unfortunately, not as good-looking as the last one: is hairy and twice as large as five Lon Lon cows stuck together, wearing black leather and massive chain necklaces that do not suit him at all.

If I had a relative like that, I'd get myself squashed by a cow, too.

Entry 6

Had a good time drinking at the pub when guess who turns up: Bubba Link. He washed down a couple of beers, and then let out enormous burp that shook the whole village. Ganondorf must be shaking.

Tried to start a pleasant conversation with him, asking how hero business was suiting him. Told me he did not know who Zelda was, and mispronounced Ganondorf as "Ganonfork"

Thanked the stars that I collapsed after the twelfth mug, and did not remember anything afterwards.

Entry 7

Determined to see Hyrule free again, I spoke to Bubba Link today when he appeared at the pub again. Explained the current situation, told him everything about the previous Hero's legend, the Princess Zelda, Ganondorf and his desire for the Triforce.

Said he'd take the responsibility if I shoved off and minded my own bloody business.

Entry 8

Met Bubba Link in the field today. Said he'd pay a visit to Kokiri forest and ask around for any clues. Told him I didn't see how he could get to the forest quickly on foot.

Said he'd think of a transportation method over a mug or two at the pub.

Entry 9

Heard a tremendous roaring outside the village today. Set out to discover source of noise when I found Bubba Link on an enormous black motorbike, zooming around in circles. Wanted to ask why he would not settle for a steed instead, but remembered that the horse would probably flatten under his weight.

Entry 10

Could not help but ask Bubba Link today, over his usual mug at the pub, about the weapons he'd be using against Ganondorf.

He replied by shooting a long line of barf precisely into a rubbish bin.

At least his aim was sharp.

Entry 11

Whole village in an uproar today when we heard an apparent earthquake rumbling furiously and dangerously.

Turns out, it was just Bubba Link who had burped again.

Entry 12

Bubba Link visited me today, said he was making good progress. Asked him if he managed to penetrate Ganon's fortress yet. Said no, but he'd found a mighty blade that would banish evil forevermore.

Asked him enthusiastically if Master Sword felt comfortable in his hands.

"What are you talking about?" he replied. Turns out he'd found the Kokiri sword instead.